eachdayanewday

Hi Everyone! It's been while since I have posted. I was doing so good. No booze, exercising, feeling great. Then slowly I started drinking a little, a little more, a little more often until I go to the point of daily drinking. Health suffered a little and I felt like crap. Covid didn't help either. Staying indoors, lost of income and little to look forward to. It was such a crappy feeling so I just keep drinking. I ended up in urgent care because I was dehydrated. I think I was in diabetic ketoacidosis. My sugars were high and I had ketones in my urine. Felt absolutely horrible. Got my head straight and back on track. Then a month later during the holidays I let go again and started drinking a lot, eating good still but not drinking enough water. I think at that point I was in alcohol ketoacidosis because my sugar was good but I had ketones in my urine again and felt horrible. Ended up in the ER because the urgent care doc didn't understand why my sugars were under control but I have ketones in my urine still. I do really well, walking daily, losing weight, eating good, taking my meds/vitamins and then this happens again. I can't find a good balance. I used to be able to say no or just have a drink. Now it feels like I do really well as long as I work hard. But once I let go a little its over. I don't drink excessive amounts but I drink often. I drink low sugar/carb alcohol but it doesn't matter. Its like my body just can't tolerate it like I used to. Im not that old either. I see so many people booze it up and are in perfect health. It shouldn't be hard because my husband isn't a drinking. Both my parents are alcoholics. My dad before I was born and my mom only started drinking about 8 years ago. I do know that I have OCD and when I do things I do it hard. Food, habits, clothes I wear. I have been prescribed Wellbutrin to help with anxiety/depression/cravings but haven't tried it yet. I don't know what Im afraid of. Maybe Im afraid that I won't want to drink anymore. It used to be such a big part of my life. Socially. My group of friends loved to drink and we always did. It was always so fun. We had a falling out and I find me missing that social aspect of drinking. Now days Id much rather just drink at home and most times by myself which is a red flag. Im trying to find my place in life right now. My 2 older kids are adults and I have a high schooler. I was so used to being a stay at home mom and being needed so now that everyone is independent I feel like mr role in my family is changing and its scary to actually think about what I want to do in my life because its never been really a choice. I was a stay at home mom/work from home mom and now its scary to think I have to pave my own path. Sorry for the long message. Its way overdue. Any advice or support will be great. Thanks!

Anna

Hi and Welcome back,

I'm glad you're back and ready to stop drinking. I think that as long as you leave a tiny opening in your mind about drinking again some day, it will be really hard to stay sober. Acceptance is a cornerstone of recovery and I had to fully accept that I could never drink again before recovery started to work for me.

Yes, your social life will likely change, and sometimes friends have to change. I had to make several lifestyle changes in order to stay sober. Change is hard, but it's worth it.

Being an empty-nester is a tough time. Obviously we bring up our children hoping and knowing that they will leave the nest. But, the reality of that happening is hard. Like you, I struggled to find what was important to me in my life when my children left home. Spend some time being quiet with yourself and see what things pop into your mind. You might get your answers.

scottynz

Hi each day,

What a wonderfully honest message, I could relate to so much while I read it. You sound at a similar place I was when I finally decided to quit after many many false starts. I didn’t have your sugar problems, but I started to have some pain on my right side and a blood test showed early liver damage. It scared me sober for a few months, but I kidded myself I could moderate and slowly the amount and frequency crept up and up.

I found these boards are what got me to quit, the support was incredible, but so was reading other people’s stories. We are all so different, but the alcoholic journey is the same as is the end destination if we don’t stop. I realised that some of the experiences other people were having were like looking into a crystal ball for my future if I didn’t stop.

I’m a single Mum in my 50s of a disabled teenager, my drinking was on my own at home. I was a functional alcoholic (in my mind anyway) people thought I was a very moderate drinker, I was often the sober driver etc, but they didn’t see the detour I took on the way home via the liquor store. I had to drink more and more to get the same buzz and would start to wake up on the sofa where I’d kid myself I’d fallen asleep, but in reality I had passed out. I was just starting to switch to spirits to get the buzz faster when I read a story here about how that progression had happened for someone else who lost everything to alcohol and realised I had to get off this train.

I really struggled with the idea of never drinking again, I wanted that option available in the future, I get why ‘one day at a time’ is such an important mantra, it got me through those early months. I’m three years sober now, I still get the odd cravings, but I am genuinely happy at the thought of not drinking ever again.

My social group has not been impacted by my sobriety, I found telling people I was not drinking was a big help. I simply said it was for health reasons, nobody really cared that I wasn’t. One heavy drinking friend has kind of fallen away, but everyone else is used to it now and I discovered there are many others who don’t drink in my circle.

My son while having diverse needs is also on the border of adulthood and it is a strange feeling to step back from the role that has almost defined me for 19 years as his Mum. I decided to retrain and start over in my working life and that has been amazing - I wish I had been sober in the study years it would have been much easier. I now run a large team of people and I love employing parents whose children have grown, they bring such an important set of skills and life experiences. I work with children and young people and they have innate skills that raising kids just ingrains for many parents.

I am so pleased you are here and wanting to stop drinking, you will find your lane when it comes to ‘what’s next’ in terms of your role, but committing to quitting is just the best investment you can make for a positive next step.

Hevyn

Hi eachday - I'm so glad you are taking action & posted about what's going on.

The last binge I went on really was the final one. I had been sober for a few years & decided to have one glass of wine. Of course, it's never just one. I went back out for a very long time, & it was so hard to get back to sobriety. I know I can't risk it again. Drinking is never an answer to whatever problem we have. I wish I'd realized that long ago. The temporary calm, relaxed feeling never lasts & no problems ever get resolved. Best to face our feelings with eyes wide open.

Dee74

Some really great advice here eachdayanewday

One thing I didn't expect from quitting drinking is I rediscovered the real me, and I'm glad I did because it's hard to build a sober life you love without knowing who you are.

My advice is to go for broke - forget about the cutting backs or the low alcohols - give it up entirely - then you can start on that new life

Yeah, its scary but hundreds of us here have done it - you'll be ok

if you are worried about stopping suddenly you can always see a Dr first

D.

warrens

Know that you aren't unique. Indeed, it must be a difficult time to get sober, but we can find reasons to drink whether in the depths of depression to the heights of elation. Because that's what we do to address any state - we drink.

We can never control what is going on around us. In fact, trying to do so just causes more anxiety. And waiting for "that perfect time" is also useless because the perfect time never arises. I am an exemplar of that. It took me years to realize the perfect time wasn't about to appear. Things just got worse...

...which is actually a good thing, since sobriety will be full of the challenges, suffering, grief, fears, etc that life is full of. We just face them without alcohol. And know what? We are immeasurably better at facing these challenges when sober; you'll see. In my case, that realization when ~ six months sober, gave me great strength and motivation to stay sober. This clarity of mind and awareness is something I WILL NOT trade for a drink. Nope, not after six months, not after nearly nine years.

May you too find the joy that awaits...

Warren

eachdayanewday

Thanks everyone!! Its such a lonely road staying sober. Im young and haven't been drinking my whole life. But life as a mom has its good and bad days. Its such a big part of our social culture. All ages, all ethnicities. I love how I feel when I don't drink. So level headed and clear minded. But I also love drinking. Ive never been a closet drinker until my kids got older.

eachdayanewday

I had some pain on my upper left side too. Went to the doc and my blood work was ok. I know my liver doesn't love alcohol and I need to handle this. I know its not good for me. Thanks my biggest reason to stop. Once I was diagnosed with diabetes I noticed my body is so much more sensitive. Its like my body is talking to me.

MythOfSisyphus

That's awesome, @eachdayanewday!

scottynz

My blood work was ok when I first noticed right sided pain, but the next time it wasn’t. I figured a few months sober would sort it out and I could drink again and they were so I did. I went to my Dr when I decided to quit 3 years ago and I had more bloods done and this time the numbers were scary bad, even then at that time I initially saw my quitting as a potentially temporary thing, such was my love of alcohol and all I perceived that went with it. How insane was that? The numbers don’t lie, I had absolute proof my liver was inflamed and damaged and still AV whispered ‘it will all be ok, just take a break then come back to me’.

Joining a class here was the best thing I ever did and although I sometimes don’t visit this site for months at a time, I know they leave a light on for me. It’s the first place I come if I ever feel tempted.

I failed in my earlier attempts because I tried to do it alone, we are here to help support you as we walk in step together around here.

DriGuy

You're struggling right now. The sooner you accept abstinence, the sooner you can start recovery. Maybe you have to get worse first, but I think you should start to consider the importance of giving it up altogether, because it will get worse. At some point, I knew I had to slow down or do something about my drinking, and that involved at least a year of struggle. In retrospect, I could have quit, but I struggled instead. Quitting ends the struggle.

eachdayanewday

My liver enzymes were slightly elevated but nothing that my doctor wasn't too concerned about. The ironic thing is where my pain was which I know was liver inflammation is also right where I had shingles. Its weird because the pain would come and go from the day I had shingles. Its scary either way and I know when I don't drink I feel so much healthier. When I drink I feel like everything is a little off. My doctor gave me valium for withdrawal systems and my ends gave me Wellbutrin to help with the cravings. I haven't taken either one. I thought I could do it on my own. I guess not. Working hard but addiction is a mother!

eachdayanewday

So last night was pretty brutal. I felt super lethargic and had no appetite. I keep track of my numbers and ketones. I know that you can have alcohol ketoacidosis. I know the consequences on my body and thats why I am trying to make the changes to get it under control. I went to urgent care in November because I thought it was just dehydration (I get dehydrated pretty easy). My sugars were high and I had ketones in my urine. They didn't seem to concerned but I requested fluids. I felt better after and went super clean and started exercising like crazy. My goal was 100 miles in December. No alcohol, lots of fluids, clean diet and my meds. I was good until Christmas and thats when I drank every day with my family that was visiting for the holidays. Then by New Years I felt almost the same. Went to a different urgent care that was closer and they wanted me to go the ER because my sugars were good but I had small amounts of ketones in my urine again. ER ran blood work and they just gave me fluids too. I felt better again and started my 100 mile goal. Back to my diet, exercise and all that. Then mid January my husband and I had lunch and I had a seltzer. It was almost like I was getting permission to drink a little. Of course that little ended up being a few a day. I keep rationalizing that since I was staying healthy in other aspects of my diet/exercise then I would be fine. A couple days of drinking and I started to feel a little worse and worse. Stopped drinking completely but I could feel the effects of it. The past couple days have been brutal. I know its affected my sleep for sure. I keep monitoring my ketones and sugar. The bummer is I don't have much of an appetite right now which is not good for my blood glucose. Been trying to eat small bites of veggies and protein but opted to for a low carb protein shake. The downside of being super sensitive to everything is that it hits me hard and then I feel better over a couple days to a week. Trying to get into a therapy session when my doctor can see me. I went to a few AA meetings when I was helping a friend stop drinking a few years ago. I was doing so well but was doing it alone. All my friends all drink and none wanted to go to AA. This was the same friend that has a bunch of DUI's. I went with her to 3 court ordered meeting and I really liked that group. Then they moved and the group changed. I went back after by myself but I felt like the meetings were not as relatable. Today is a new day and I vow to make me the best me.......Thanks for listening

advbike

Hang in there eachdayanewday! You can do it!

I also am very sensitive to what I eat and drink. The only way for us is clean and sober. It's so much better.

eachdayanewday

Thank you. In my 20's and 30's I was all good. Now in my 40's Im so sensitive to everything. Im trying really hard to stay sober. Its rough. Hopefully I can find an AA meeting soon. I know I just need to stop drinking. I don't know moderation and I know my triggers. I need to work through it. I try to stay connected to my support system to help me through it.

Surrendered19

Hi eachdayanewday. I hope you are doing well. We definitely change as we age. Cher said it best when she said "I've been 20, I've been 30, 20 is better. I've been 30, I've been 40, 30 is better." I'm in my mid-50's and that comparison of the decade markers continues to hold true.

I think your plan to just stop drinking is the best one. The fact that you don't know moderation puts you in good company too. Moderation is nothing but the fantasy and dangerous rationalization of a person planning to keep drinking. I had a plan to moderate every afternoon for 30 years and my plan evaporated each afternoon with the first sip.

eachdayanewday

Its rough. I'll do good awhile and then I slowly will have a drink here and there. Its almost like I am giving myself permission. With that permission I will drink a little more, a little more often. You summarized it perfectly. Your plan to moderate evaporated each afternoon with the first sip. Thats me! Its crazy how no one really talks about things like this on social media. I know plenty of people that have alcohol problems but its almost like its glamorized. I had to find this group to help me work though it. I remember in my 20's I never drank. It was a rare occasion when I did. 30's socially with our groups of friends. At the end of my 30's I would rather drink at home then out. Then I was diagnosed with diabetes. Stopped drinking for awhile. Had no desire. Then when I realized what my body could tolerate I would push my limits a little more. Then with covid it made me drink more. I think the lack of the old normal or pre covid made me really have more binges. I am starting therapy again next week so hopefully that will help. If I can not drink for a week then I am good. I feel good and my motivation is there. But then theres the moment when someone offers you a glass of wine and you say "just one". Then the next day at the grocery store you walk down your trigger aisle and then the gates open and the cycle starts over again. I even bought zero alcohol beer just to satisfy that desire. I know I need to make a plan and stick with it. Wish there was an AA group meeting near me. I liked one I went to years ago with a friend that was court ordered. Went back a few years later and the group was super different so I didn't go back again.

Surrendered19

It is very tough eachdayanewday. We all must come to the realization that we are done drinking. Can you give it a shot this weekend? A sober weekend followed by a Monday morning waking up ready for the week is such a great way to start a new healthy journey. If you can get some sober days under your belt, I also suggest avoiding any and all situations where alcohol might be an element. Don't go ANY place where you might be offered a glass of wine. That is fully fully within your power.

advbike

Buy a week's worth of groceries ahead, before you quit, so you can avoid that aisle. Problem solved.

Seriously, anything you can do to avoid triggers will help in the first week or two.

lifewithart

Thank you for the insightful and raw post, it is inspiring I'm sure for many. So much of what you have written here rings true for myself. I wanted to hold onto drinking and make it work. I tried every variation you mentioned and more. Went to the ER on several occasions as a result of my drinking. There came a point where I had to let it go because moderation never lasted. Worse, it was progressing over time and never digressing whatsoever. I hope you can come to a clear place in your mind that it can't be in your life. If there was any hope for you as a "normal" drinker, you would not be here! Sorry to say this, but just know that a new freedom and a new happiness is waiting for you!