At 73 days now
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
At 73 days now
I went through the AA steps and readings with my sponsor AGAIN. He suggest each time I've had relapse to do so. I'm currently looking for a sponsee, but it is not as easy just doing Zoom meetings which can be a **** show at times. Been living life on life's terms, and to be honest I hate every day of it. I'm not here for a pity part about myself as I know I'm the cause of my own doing. Nothing has gotten better while not drinking. I'm on house arrest until who knows when and away from my family which I deserve. The only thing I have going is I go to work while millions are out of work. I can say I don't know where my head is at a lot of the time. I do talk to my therapist and she's concerned about me, but I think if I was going to just say f it and choose option # 2 to put my brains on the wall I would've done it already. I just don't see how anything good is going to come out of this life of mine. Meantime my family gets to enjoy life without me.
Fun times. No blame game as I'm the cause of my demise so I own it, but I hate it. Yay for 73 days sober, but to me it doesn't mean a damn thing. Just another set of drinkless days in a row.
Fun times. No blame game as I'm the cause of my demise so I own it, but I hate it. Yay for 73 days sober, but to me it doesn't mean a damn thing. Just another set of drinkless days in a row.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I know it must be difficult to put a positive spin on things but I think 73 days is a great start getitright.
If I have any advice at all it's to let it go - all the resentment and anger and looking back at the past and the anger and frustration at where you're at now...all that, if it remains unresolved, just makes it easier to drink again.
Is it easy to let go - hell no but you can't move on if you've got your hands around someones neck, whether that someone be other people or yourself.
If you're a God guy maybe praying will help. If you're not a God guy maybe it'll help anyway?
D
If I have any advice at all it's to let it go - all the resentment and anger and looking back at the past and the anger and frustration at where you're at now...all that, if it remains unresolved, just makes it easier to drink again.
Is it easy to let go - hell no but you can't move on if you've got your hands around someones neck, whether that someone be other people or yourself.
If you're a God guy maybe praying will help. If you're not a God guy maybe it'll help anyway?
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Sorry to hear it's such a struggle getright.
Ive gone through a really difficult first year of sobriety and when everything seems really **** I remind myself that if I was drinking it would immediately get a whole load worse. I can imagine some of the scenarios I am creeping my way through with me drinking and they would turn from difficult to utterly awful
Sorry if that's a bit negative but for me it's a matter of seeing it as a possitive - basically 'If I can't negotiate my way through this and not drink, then I'll never have to drink!' And also 'Look - at some point things have got to get better'
In your corner mate 👍
Ive gone through a really difficult first year of sobriety and when everything seems really **** I remind myself that if I was drinking it would immediately get a whole load worse. I can imagine some of the scenarios I am creeping my way through with me drinking and they would turn from difficult to utterly awful
Sorry if that's a bit negative but for me it's a matter of seeing it as a possitive - basically 'If I can't negotiate my way through this and not drink, then I'll never have to drink!' And also 'Look - at some point things have got to get better'
In your corner mate 👍
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi getright. I'm sorry you are feeling bad. No pity party. It just sucks. I got really hurt in my life and I did so many stupid hurtful things to others when I was drinking. I just sat with all that resentment and anger and it kept me stuck for decades. Almost to the day that I decided I could not live that way anymore, I got sober AND began reclaiming the life that I wanted to live. As angry as I was and as much as I fervently wanted it to be different, the sun kept coming up each morning and my days were numbered. My life is far from perfect and memories will always be with me. But now I can make my way on this earth without the anger and resentment and that makes each imperfect day I live, at the very least, more quiet, peaceful and calm. The sober life that I love is really about what is going on in my head and not so much what is going on around me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I'm sorry you're down Getright, but you're doing great on the sobriety, and you're fortunate to have a job. However, when you mentioned that it's just been 73 days of not drinking and nothing else I have to ask what else you can do in the meantime? What's your plan for when you complete house arrest?
Have you written down your goals and made a plan to achieve them? Like 3 months, 6 months, a year, 5 years? Do you have reading materials or internet where you are? I saw you attend zoom meetings, so you must have internet, but I can't imagine just attending meetings. You must have something to give you hope and work toward, otherwise, as you mention, it all becomes kind of hopeless. And maybe just some reading or movies for entertainment would help also. Books have saved me more than once.
Have you written down your goals and made a plan to achieve them? Like 3 months, 6 months, a year, 5 years? Do you have reading materials or internet where you are? I saw you attend zoom meetings, so you must have internet, but I can't imagine just attending meetings. You must have something to give you hope and work toward, otherwise, as you mention, it all becomes kind of hopeless. And maybe just some reading or movies for entertainment would help also. Books have saved me more than once.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Congrats on 73 days Getitright. And yes, life sucks sometimes unfortunately. You do list quite a few positives in your response though even if you didn't notice. Others suggested writing it down/making a plan and I would agree. Keeping a gratitude journal can be surprisingly effective to look back through. Setting some goals for your life can help too - you've already achieved a big one by staying sober for 73 days for example. You can set small goals and even envision some big ones if you want - you don't have to achieve them all right away.
You mention that your family "gets to enjoy life without you". What exactly does that mean to you? I'm asking semi-rhetorically, but think about it - make a list of the things you think might help you enjoy life. And then when you have that list, set goals to get there. You could refer back to Step 4 and Step 10 for guidance in this department too, think of the things you want to improve.
You mention that your family "gets to enjoy life without you". What exactly does that mean to you? I'm asking semi-rhetorically, but think about it - make a list of the things you think might help you enjoy life. And then when you have that list, set goals to get there. You could refer back to Step 4 and Step 10 for guidance in this department too, think of the things you want to improve.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,506
73 days of sobriety is a great accomplishment, so give yourself credit.
I wonder if you've been able to make any changes in your life to support your recovery? I know it's hard to get involved in things with the pandemic, but are you exercising, getting back to old hobbies, finding something that you love to do? I know it's hard, but stick with it and things will get better.
I wonder if you've been able to make any changes in your life to support your recovery? I know it's hard to get involved in things with the pandemic, but are you exercising, getting back to old hobbies, finding something that you love to do? I know it's hard, but stick with it and things will get better.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
73 days is very significant but still early recovery so don't give up on yourself. Building the life we want takes time and patience. I'd suggest maybe focusing on taking as many right actions as you can, even if you don't feel like it. Remember, the brain chemistry needs time to normalize.
If you still have the belief that substance is giving you something you can't get any other way (like sedation), question that belief further. I couldn't find long term peaceful sobriety until I let go of this idea.
If you still have the belief that substance is giving you something you can't get any other way (like sedation), question that belief further. I couldn't find long term peaceful sobriety until I let go of this idea.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
I just go to work and go home. My house arrest is pretty strict. Yes, I attend Zoom meetings on a regular. They can be long winded as there are a lot of people, but for the most part its how I get my group therapy I guess.
Meantime the hits just keep on coming. Not even going to get into it.
Meantime the hits just keep on coming. Not even going to get into it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,592
Hi getright. Seventy three days is awesome, but still early days. It will get better, easier.
I've felt like putting my brains to the wall too, but we have strict gun laws here (australia), so would have been difficult to achieve. Grateful. It was just the way I felt, wanted it all to stop, but I've found other ways now, and no longer feel this way. I want life, because I know how good it CAN be.
I've found these ways in sobriety. It has not been easy that's for sure, but I love the fact that I am now trying to "face life on life's terms." Growth is occurring, and it feels good. It will for you too.
Hope you continue to post getright, it won't remain this way for you. You will come to understand that what you thought were the mere "stringing together of days" were days difficult, but days necessary for better life. The life you seek. As do we all. Here.
Keep posting. We care. We understand.
I've felt like putting my brains to the wall too, but we have strict gun laws here (australia), so would have been difficult to achieve. Grateful. It was just the way I felt, wanted it all to stop, but I've found other ways now, and no longer feel this way. I want life, because I know how good it CAN be.
I've found these ways in sobriety. It has not been easy that's for sure, but I love the fact that I am now trying to "face life on life's terms." Growth is occurring, and it feels good. It will for you too.
Hope you continue to post getright, it won't remain this way for you. You will come to understand that what you thought were the mere "stringing together of days" were days difficult, but days necessary for better life. The life you seek. As do we all. Here.
Keep posting. We care. We understand.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
Thanks for sharing. The first thing that popped into my mind after reading your post was that the promises in the Big Book apply "[n]o matter how far down the scale we have gone." What I found helpful in my first 90 days back after a relapse was to just agree to hold off on any major decisions for a while. For me, that meant till I was through the 9th Step, which took me a lot longer than 90 days (my sponsor also believed in re-doing all the Steps after a relapse). In other words, every time I got down because I was feeling crazy, I just accepted that I was going to feel down/crazy for a while and did my AA step work, meetings, etc., anyway. It gets better if you keep doing the work.
Another tool I've found effective for dealing with negative thoughts/feelings is to:
(1) get on my knees and ask God to remove my negativity,
(2) take some sober action (e.g., pick up the phone and call someone on my A.A. phone list), and
(3) repeat (1) and (2) as often as necessary.
Don't quit before the miracle.
Another tool I've found effective for dealing with negative thoughts/feelings is to:
(1) get on my knees and ask God to remove my negativity,
(2) take some sober action (e.g., pick up the phone and call someone on my A.A. phone list), and
(3) repeat (1) and (2) as often as necessary.
Don't quit before the miracle.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
Sometimes we can't see anything good coming out of this life but maybe God does.
Sometimes I have nothing left to do but try and latch onto God like a pit bull dog. A death grip on God because I'm out of places to go mentally. Its work. We all have different ways and beliefs. Ive gone to the the beach at night in 40 degree weather just to look off the edge of the earth and try and get plugged into God.
One of my first times in an airplane. Shortly before landing I thought what a beautiful day its going to be. Then the plain descended through the clouds and it was suddenly gloomy and raining. But its so sunny and pleasant up there? I realized just because you can't see the sun doesn't mean it's not there.
Sometimes I have nothing left to do but try and latch onto God like a pit bull dog. A death grip on God because I'm out of places to go mentally. Its work. We all have different ways and beliefs. Ive gone to the the beach at night in 40 degree weather just to look off the edge of the earth and try and get plugged into God.
One of my first times in an airplane. Shortly before landing I thought what a beautiful day its going to be. Then the plain descended through the clouds and it was suddenly gloomy and raining. But its so sunny and pleasant up there? I realized just because you can't see the sun doesn't mean it's not there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
I appreciate everyone's responses. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself occupied, and my head free of negative thoughts. A lot harder then you'd think. Anyhow I was told yesterday to lets "take a break" we all know what that means. So I didn't take that very well at all. My current living situation is already crap, but I guess I'm supposed to put a smile on my face and say "thy will be done".
Whatever though. Life is just hell right now, but I know we all have our issues. I don't want to do anything, talk to anyone or participate in anything.
Whatever though. Life is just hell right now, but I know we all have our issues. I don't want to do anything, talk to anyone or participate in anything.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Your situation seems so harsh getright15. Nobody would endure what you are enduring and keep positive thoughts in their heads all the time. But can you survive it and vow to yourself to see what life might be like on the other side of such confinement and restriction? This is NOT how your life is. Right now this is how the justice system says it is. That is temporary. Once you gain back your freedom, at least your freedom of movement, please please give a sober life on your terms an honest shot. Stay here with us for now.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I'll give you the same advice I was given 3 months in and 'not feeling it' - practice gratitude every day. Each day find at least one thing, no matter how big or small, that you're thankful for. When I first started, it was hard cause I was depressed and not feeling grateful for anything, just the opposite.
But I kept at it and now can find so much to be grateful for.
And my attitude changed, not overnight, but gradually, day by day. I am much more positive now than I used to be.
Give it a good try. And if being grateful doesn't help, your misery will still be there if you want to take it up again.
This article tells about how being grateful rewards us.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
But I kept at it and now can find so much to be grateful for.
And my attitude changed, not overnight, but gradually, day by day. I am much more positive now than I used to be. Give it a good try. And if being grateful doesn't help, your misery will still be there if you want to take it up again.
This article tells about how being grateful rewards us.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by getright15 
I appreciate everyone's responses. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself occupied, and my head free of negative thoughts. A lot harder then you'd think. Anyhow I was told yesterday to lets "take a break" we all know what that means. So I didn't take that very well at all. My current living situation is already crap, but I guess I'm supposed to put a smile on my face and say "thy will be done".
Whatever though. Life is just hell right now, but I know we all have our issues. I don't want to do anything, talk to anyone or participate in anything.
Whatever though. Life is just hell right now, but I know we all have our issues. I don't want to do anything, talk to anyone or participate in anything.
By the way, it’s perfectly fine and normal to allow yourself to think “this life and everything in it is garbage”. Let yourself feel that way. Allow it for a while, but don’t wallow and luxuriate in it, that’s just silly. There’s no point in telling you everything is perfect and that pixies fart rainbows, but you’re sober. I’m guessing alcohol added to the misery. If you’re already in hell, why would you turn up the heat? It’s great that you’re sober even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.
Let yourself feel and think the things you do, but try and observe them as opposed to becoming them. You’re on the start of something new, we’ve all heard of growing pains - welcome to rebirth!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
I've been thinking about your post since I read it yesterday in the early AM.
Yes, it does seem like life is handing you a bunch of rotten lemons and it does seem like there is no end in sight. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Life will not always be this intense for you. When you do make it through this, you will have more knowledge of yourself and you will be able to help another person who may present the same set of circumstances.
I think we have all held on for long periods of time hoping for our situations to improve. Eventually the circumstances changed and there was more hope and more ease. Eventually. Not soon enough, I know.
I find you to be of very high intelligence. You are able to articulate in a very clear manner. Are you writing all of this life stuff down? Putting your thoughts into words on a page? I know you are doing that here but I mean more of a journal?
It does sound to me like you are doing all the right things. Keep going. I am sorry it is so rough. I know you cant see the light right now but it is there. Please keep posting and sharing.
Yes, it does seem like life is handing you a bunch of rotten lemons and it does seem like there is no end in sight. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Life will not always be this intense for you. When you do make it through this, you will have more knowledge of yourself and you will be able to help another person who may present the same set of circumstances.
I think we have all held on for long periods of time hoping for our situations to improve. Eventually the circumstances changed and there was more hope and more ease. Eventually. Not soon enough, I know.
I find you to be of very high intelligence. You are able to articulate in a very clear manner. Are you writing all of this life stuff down? Putting your thoughts into words on a page? I know you are doing that here but I mean more of a journal?
It does sound to me like you are doing all the right things. Keep going. I am sorry it is so rough. I know you cant see the light right now but it is there. Please keep posting and sharing.
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