Being there for my friends and family
 

I just wanted to share this as it’s - well, it’s monumental for me.

My mom had knee surgery in March of last year (just before the pandemic, thank god) and she had been seeing a podiatrist before lockdown happened. They would cut her nails for her as she can’t reach down without great discomfort and potential injury. When I was drinking, I listened to this with utter disinterest and sometimes disgust, and even once said to her “well just because we’re in lockdown, don’t look at me to cut your dirty toe nails!”. Yes, I said that to the woman who gave birth to me and raised me. Swell guy. Anyway. About a week ago or so, I noticed nail clippers in the cupboard. It immediately made me think of my mum, and what felt like the first time (and actually I think it was), I was filled with empathy for her and how could I help? I cut her nails that day. I know this sounds trite and unbelievable, but I assure you it isn’t. Am I becoming empathetic, or was it always there just suppressed? Who knows, but doing something because you care and love for someone sure feels a billion times better than dismissive selfishness.

Today, a friend messaged me basically saying they desperately needed my help and hoped I was awake (it was 12:35 in the afternoon and my friends always knew me as not more likely to be awake at that time than I was to be asleep at 2:37am - no rhyme or reason to sleep pattern) and I was able to say yea! How can I help. They needed help regarding a paper they are working on for uni. I was able to brain storm, help my friend be more calm and begin to articulate ideas, formulate them and write them in a cohesive manner. We worked this way together over the phone and via message for around two hours; I now have a very happy friend who is relieved and taking a well earned rest, and I got the greatest accolade: “I needed you more than anything, and you were there! You replied straight away and saved my life! I’m so glad I can count on you”. My friend will never know how much these words meant to me. For me to be thought of as reliable? Useful?! I’m emotional again! But it’s so moving. I feel so grateful to have these amazing people in my life, and I’m so happy they have me back in their lives; seems I’m not entirely useless or hopeless afterall!

This is uncharacteristically shoddily written but I just wanted to share this. Not as a “I’m so wonderful” post but - look, I can actually do things to be a helpful and loving human! I’m actually a person! Thank you for reading this nonsense haha!

It doesn't sound trite at all. It sounds as if you are growing and getting more clarity in your life. That's what recovery is about. :)

And, I love that you were there for your friend and that he truly appreciated what you did to help him.

Good for you!

I think we run into the "What exactly have I been doing?" when we get sober. I also think we are harder on ourselves. It is so good you helped your friend and your mother. In these times we all deserve some compassion and understanding. That means you too!

It's great that you could be there in those ways. I used to get these tsunamis of guilt while I was still drinking, partly due to not being there in ways I should have been. We can't change the past, but we can certainly change that behavior now.

Man that is great TheAten. Compassion and empathy are in short supply these days, except for all those awesome front-liners.

I have behaved in selfish, careless and inconsiderate ways for a big part of my adult life and have a lot of shame around it. SOmethimes I wake up at 3am and my mind starts in on me. Nothing I can do now except try to make amends to those I can and be a better person going forward. Sobriety is key to it all.

Your post made me emotional too, TheAten. It touched me deeply.

You are feeling empathy again, feelings I think are suppressed with alcohol. A bit of a blunt instrument.

For myself, think I was so filled with self loathing it spilled into the dismissal and disregard of others around me. :(
I'm starting to feel it more consistently now, and it's a good feeling indeed.

I used to be really angry with my mother, now dead. Some good reasons, sure. But when I reflect cannot help but see how hard she tried. Alcoholic husband, tribe of kids. It's a wonder she wasn't on the first coach out of Dodge.

Sober brings better, more complex feelings, that's for sure.

I think being able to be there for others is a gift and I'm glad you're experiencing that again too, TheAten :)

D

So many reasons to be proud and grateful when you look in the mirror, TheAten! :c011:

I feel the same way when I can step up to the plate and help a friend or family member. :) If I were drinking, I could never do it as I'd be too drunk or sick to be of any help.

I'm glad you got to be useful and helpful to your friend and mom. :hug:

A lot of what you said rings true for me, also Steely. The constant, draining deep self-loathing and hatred did make me dismissive of others around me, even if I didn’t actively choose to be; it always felt like there was a war going on inside me, even when I sat in a quiet room. I used to joke that I could have a blazing row in an empty room because there was so much destruction and anger going on inside me that it had to spill out every now and then, and towards the end of my drinking it spilled out more often than not. Whoever was in the firing line would get hurt by this, even if I wasn’t actually angry at them. The anger would be directed at them, almost serving as a conduit. So hurtful of me to do this, and I’ve said sorry to those who I’ve been able to this far.

I, too, was very angry at my mother and I was angry at my father for a very long time. One day during counselling, about the fifth session, I actually said to my counsellor “yes, I’ve had valid reasons to feel hurt and angry, but my mother has redeemed herself time and time again, how can I ask forgiveness if I don’t grant it myself? The woman deserves a break!” I said it to the counsellor but I think it was really my change of internal dialogue voicing itself out loud. After that, I went to my mother and told her how grateful I was for everything she had done and continues to do, how proud of her I am and how much I love her. And I meant it. I don’t carry much anger with me anymore; I work on things daily, but I’m so much calmer and less plagued by my demons. I don’t think I’d have been able to become sober with the intention of staying sober without counselling honestly. After working through my issues, that intense desire to escape into oblivion has more or less dissipated. I’ll always be vigilant and it’s early days so still much work to do, but every small triumph feels like another brick laid, not this time added to a wall I’m building around myself but to a road for a new path that I want to take.

All of what you say TheAtem, is me too.

All of the burning anger within spilled out to those around me, and in drinking, spilled and boiled within myself. Acting out the self loathing by pouring yet another drink down my throat. I hated it, but must have hated myself more. Poor innocent bystanders, people who cared, but eventually withdrew, caught in the maelstrom.

We are on our way TheAtem. We don't have to be like that anymore, and we will embrace the other as we embrace ourselves. And when the bad guys come along we will know the difference, and stand for ourselves sober. Unbeatable. :) Just.

Poor old Mum. I gave her a hard time, but know she would be proud of me now, and would forgive her "rebel child." Thanks Mumma.

Good stuff. It's just another of the endless gifts that sobriety provides - the ability to be a better/best version of our selves as friends, family, loved ones, neighbors, coworkers etc. Thank you for the reminder.

Beautiful post TheAten. Being there 24/7/365 for those who might need you is truly a special gift. When I am summoned at zero-dark-thirty, I love the fact that no matter what time it is, I can be awake and be ready. When I was drinking, there just would have been no way I could do anything other than get in the way. Your post is awesome.