Thoughts on feelings and sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 277
Thoughts on feelings and sobriety
As I’m often wont to do, I’ve been thinking a lot lately, specifically about how I’ve dealt with feelings all my life.
I’ve always thought of myself as incredibly deeply feeling person, and by that I mean joy is ecstasy, sadness is tragedy, anger is fury and heartbreak is death. I thought that I felt everything so much more than others seemed to, and so my first forays into drinking were encouraged by the “pleasant” dulling of the feelings and emotions as I drank. This, of course, didn’t take long to descend into hell, me in a handcart with no brakes, no way to turn and no idea where this rapidly speeding vehicle would take me. Over the years, I used alcohol as a means to dull any emotion that overwhelmed me; even positive ones such as love and happiness needed to be muted or else the intensity would feel almost as if it would physically hurt me.
These baby steps into sobriety, acceptance that I can’t drink and try escaping my emotions and thus life have of course been quite revealing. I do feel things strongly; but so what? In many ways, it is a gift, if thought of that way, and allows me an experience of life that perhaps others may not have. I’m learning to observe, acknowledge and sit with these feelings, no matter how uncomfortable, in the belief and knowledge that I will be ok; a feeling cannot kill you, and seldom lasts for long. Experience has taught me that not only will I be ok, I will go on to be happy again, which will give way to another period of hardship, as this is life. I am strong enough to survive; I’ve survived this far, AND I’ve survived with a hellish addiction preying on me to boot!
In summary, on my 26 days in, this is what I have learned:
I am worthy.
I am enough.
I am a feeling person.
I am grateful.
I am strong.
I will survive.
Thank you, all, for everything you do; your support of me, of my peers and friends here, and your posts continue to inspire me and encourage me every day, and this would be nearly unbearable without you all. Thank you.
I’ve always thought of myself as incredibly deeply feeling person, and by that I mean joy is ecstasy, sadness is tragedy, anger is fury and heartbreak is death. I thought that I felt everything so much more than others seemed to, and so my first forays into drinking were encouraged by the “pleasant” dulling of the feelings and emotions as I drank. This, of course, didn’t take long to descend into hell, me in a handcart with no brakes, no way to turn and no idea where this rapidly speeding vehicle would take me. Over the years, I used alcohol as a means to dull any emotion that overwhelmed me; even positive ones such as love and happiness needed to be muted or else the intensity would feel almost as if it would physically hurt me.
These baby steps into sobriety, acceptance that I can’t drink and try escaping my emotions and thus life have of course been quite revealing. I do feel things strongly; but so what? In many ways, it is a gift, if thought of that way, and allows me an experience of life that perhaps others may not have. I’m learning to observe, acknowledge and sit with these feelings, no matter how uncomfortable, in the belief and knowledge that I will be ok; a feeling cannot kill you, and seldom lasts for long. Experience has taught me that not only will I be ok, I will go on to be happy again, which will give way to another period of hardship, as this is life. I am strong enough to survive; I’ve survived this far, AND I’ve survived with a hellish addiction preying on me to boot!
In summary, on my 26 days in, this is what I have learned:
I am worthy.
I am enough.
I am a feeling person.
I am grateful.
I am strong.
I will survive.
Thank you, all, for everything you do; your support of me, of my peers and friends here, and your posts continue to inspire me and encourage me every day, and this would be nearly unbearable without you all. Thank you.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
TheAten, you've learned a lot in 26 days! Like you, my emotions were a roller-coaster out of control and when I finally turned to alcohol, I was desperate for peace.
Glennon Doyle, a recovering alcoholic, has this observation, which I love:
"I'm not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, 'For the same reason I laugh so often--because I'm paying attention. ' I tell them that we can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved."
Glennon Doyle, a recovering alcoholic, has this observation, which I love:
"I'm not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, 'For the same reason I laugh so often--because I'm paying attention. ' I tell them that we can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,425
TheAten, 26 days is great! I can remember how impossible it seemed to even consider 26 straight days without drinking.
I've long felt similar to some of the things you describe.
After being sober for a while, I realized more and more that many of the feelings or emotions I was trying to cope with by drinking were actually being reinforced and heightened by the drinking. A cycle of destruction. Sounds like you are on the way to breaking the cycle.
I've long felt similar to some of the things you describe.
After being sober for a while, I realized more and more that many of the feelings or emotions I was trying to cope with by drinking were actually being reinforced and heightened by the drinking. A cycle of destruction. Sounds like you are on the way to breaking the cycle.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Great analysis TheAten. I also am a highly sensitive person (HSP). My feelings and emotions can easily get really jacked up by things that don't seem to bother many people - unfairness, tragedy, violence, etc. Even parties, and loud music (or people) can be exhausting.
The intensity of romantic feelings and dating anxiety was also very problematic early on, which caused me to drink quite heavily in my twenties and thirties to avoid getting overwhelmed, or I never would have been able to handle those situations.
I have learned to deal with those more recently, but still have difficulty with movies that have a lot of emotional drama or violence, and simply can't watch them. Basically I've had to turn down the gain knob on certain aspects of life in order to live a calm, peaceful existence.
The intensity of romantic feelings and dating anxiety was also very problematic early on, which caused me to drink quite heavily in my twenties and thirties to avoid getting overwhelmed, or I never would have been able to handle those situations.
I have learned to deal with those more recently, but still have difficulty with movies that have a lot of emotional drama or violence, and simply can't watch them. Basically I've had to turn down the gain knob on certain aspects of life in order to live a calm, peaceful existence.
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