New-ish to recovery. I will have 8 months in 4 days.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 1
New-ish to recovery. I will have 8 months in 4 days.
My name is Caleb. I am 34 years old. I've been attending recovery meetings (mostly AA) since I was 18 or 19 when I was court ordered.
I need help. I know it's not a good thing, but I do have reservations about the 12 steps. For starters, I have been attending meetings for decades now and though I have met a lot of people who are just as hopeless as I am, I haven't met a single one who has grew or benefited in any way from the program. Everyone I know who is recovered were already intelligent and skilled people when they came into recovery.
While I fully admit all of my problems are my fault, that doesn't automatically mean they can be fixed. I have never been good at anything. I have never had a real friendship or romantic relationship. I am incapable of forming them. I've always been a selfish ***** my whole life. I didn't need drugs or alcohol to become a ****** person.
This is in direct contrast to every recovered people whose stories I've heard from their own mouths. They always start out as a good guy who becomes a piece of **** due to their addiction. They know how to maintain a variety of relationships. They know how to take care of themselves. They know how to make money. Then they lose everything in the downward spiral. Then they enter into recovery and the story goes one of two ways: they put in lots of hard work to change themselves or they "let go and let God" change them.
I repeat: I have met many people like me at meetings but none of them ever learn how to live.
I hope someone here who is like me and has recovered can respond to me somehow. I cannot receive private messages. I need to find out what I'm supposed to do so I can change and I need to do it fast because I cannot stand it much longer.
I need help. I know it's not a good thing, but I do have reservations about the 12 steps. For starters, I have been attending meetings for decades now and though I have met a lot of people who are just as hopeless as I am, I haven't met a single one who has grew or benefited in any way from the program. Everyone I know who is recovered were already intelligent and skilled people when they came into recovery.
While I fully admit all of my problems are my fault, that doesn't automatically mean they can be fixed. I have never been good at anything. I have never had a real friendship or romantic relationship. I am incapable of forming them. I've always been a selfish ***** my whole life. I didn't need drugs or alcohol to become a ****** person.
This is in direct contrast to every recovered people whose stories I've heard from their own mouths. They always start out as a good guy who becomes a piece of **** due to their addiction. They know how to maintain a variety of relationships. They know how to take care of themselves. They know how to make money. Then they lose everything in the downward spiral. Then they enter into recovery and the story goes one of two ways: they put in lots of hard work to change themselves or they "let go and let God" change them.
I repeat: I have met many people like me at meetings but none of them ever learn how to live.
I hope someone here who is like me and has recovered can respond to me somehow. I cannot receive private messages. I need to find out what I'm supposed to do so I can change and I need to do it fast because I cannot stand it much longer.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Welcome and 8 months of recovery is great.
Our members here use various methods of recovery and I think you need to do whatever works for you. The most important thing is for you to find something that works for you daily to keep you sober and recovering.
I wonder if you've ever considered counselling or therapy? For me, stopping drinking was the beginning. I needed to do a lot of work on my issues in order to recover. I used some good books to guide me and I have always found support here at SR. I know you will too.
This link will give you info and tips on recovery programs:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...at-we-did.html (Recovery Programs & What to Expect (What We Did))
Our members here use various methods of recovery and I think you need to do whatever works for you. The most important thing is for you to find something that works for you daily to keep you sober and recovering.
I wonder if you've ever considered counselling or therapy? For me, stopping drinking was the beginning. I needed to do a lot of work on my issues in order to recover. I used some good books to guide me and I have always found support here at SR. I know you will too.
This link will give you info and tips on recovery programs:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...at-we-did.html (Recovery Programs & What to Expect (What We Did))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome Caleb! Fantastic job on 8 months sober. That is a huge accomplishment that you can be proud of.
I had some personal issues with AA, and think it is not necessarily for everyone, although some benefit hugely from the program and the structure. I think a lot of it depends on the individual, their personal situation, and many other factors. I personally didn't care for certain aspects of the program - characterizations made about personal failures, character flaws, the religiosity, etc. It can seem very negative. You're obviously an intelligent and articulate person, and you have achieved some significant sobriety, so maybe you just need a different approach at this point.
I found this site to be the most helpful to me in achieving sobriety, primarily because there is not one specific "way".. but many. And also many wonderful folks, each of whom tackles their problem a little bit differently, and has a unique perspective to share on the various aspects of getting and staying sober, not to mention dealing with life in general. You will find tremendous support here. Joining one of the monthly classes is really helpful because you will gain friends and support.
You have made a great step forward in coming here and sharing with us. I commend you and congratulate you on what you have already achieved. 8 months is a tremendous success, you should be proud of that.
I had some personal issues with AA, and think it is not necessarily for everyone, although some benefit hugely from the program and the structure. I think a lot of it depends on the individual, their personal situation, and many other factors. I personally didn't care for certain aspects of the program - characterizations made about personal failures, character flaws, the religiosity, etc. It can seem very negative. You're obviously an intelligent and articulate person, and you have achieved some significant sobriety, so maybe you just need a different approach at this point.
I found this site to be the most helpful to me in achieving sobriety, primarily because there is not one specific "way".. but many. And also many wonderful folks, each of whom tackles their problem a little bit differently, and has a unique perspective to share on the various aspects of getting and staying sober, not to mention dealing with life in general. You will find tremendous support here. Joining one of the monthly classes is really helpful because you will gain friends and support.
You have made a great step forward in coming here and sharing with us. I commend you and congratulate you on what you have already achieved. 8 months is a tremendous success, you should be proud of that.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,531
Welcome, Caleb. Congratulations on your 8 mos. of sobriety. I wish I'd taken action when I was your age. You're saving yourself so much grief & misery - be proud of that.
As Anna said, we use various methods - I personally relied on my interaction here at SR. Because I no longer felt alone I found the courage to change my life. I hope talking things over here will help. I'm glad you found us & decided to post - we care & want to help.
As Anna said, we use various methods - I personally relied on my interaction here at SR. Because I no longer felt alone I found the courage to change my life. I hope talking things over here will help. I'm glad you found us & decided to post - we care & want to help.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi and welcome beevbovebiv 
It might look like it but not everyone gets sober and knows how to live. A lot of the folks here started drinking or drugging as little more than children.
The good news is I believe everyone can learn to live sober, Everyone can work for the kind of life they want.
We all have that capacity
The fundamental step is staying clean and sober.
There are other methods out there besides the 12 steps, if thats a problem for you,
If you're prepared to look around a little you may find a method that makes sense to youhere's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/102276-recovery-programs-resources-information.html
I recommend you also visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
It might look like it but not everyone gets sober and knows how to live. A lot of the folks here started drinking or drugging as little more than children.
The good news is I believe everyone can learn to live sober, Everyone can work for the kind of life they want.
We all have that capacity
The fundamental step is staying clean and sober.
There are other methods out there besides the 12 steps, if thats a problem for you,
If you're prepared to look around a little you may find a method that makes sense to youhere's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/102276-recovery-programs-resources-information.html
I recommend you also visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by beevbovebiv;[url=tel:7579586
7579586[/url]]My name is Caleb. I am 34 years old. I've been attending recovery meetings (mostly AA) since I was 18 or 19 when I was court ordered.
I need help. I know it's not a good thing, but I do have reservations about the 12 steps. For starters, I have been attending meetings for decades now and though I have met a lot of people who are just as hopeless as I am, I haven't met a single one who has grew or benefited in any way from the program. Everyone I know who is recovered were already intelligent and skilled people when they came into recovery.
While I fully admit all of my problems are my fault, that doesn't automatically mean they can be fixed. I have never been good at anything. I have never had a real friendship or romantic relationship. I am incapable of forming them. I've always been a selfish ***** my whole life. I didn't need drugs or alcohol to become a ****** person.
This is in direct contrast to every recovered people whose stories I've heard from their own mouths. They always start out as a good guy who becomes a piece of **** due to their addiction. They know how to maintain a variety of relationships. They know how to take care of themselves. They know how to make money. Then they lose everything in the downward spiral. Then they enter into recovery and the story goes one of two ways: they put in lots of hard work to change themselves or they "let go and let God" change them.
I repeat: I have met many people like me at meetings but none of them ever learn how to live.
I hope someone here who is like me and has recovered can respond to me somehow. I cannot receive private messages. I need to find out what I'm supposed to do so I can change and I need to do it fast because I cannot stand it much longer.
I need help. I know it's not a good thing, but I do have reservations about the 12 steps. For starters, I have been attending meetings for decades now and though I have met a lot of people who are just as hopeless as I am, I haven't met a single one who has grew or benefited in any way from the program. Everyone I know who is recovered were already intelligent and skilled people when they came into recovery.
While I fully admit all of my problems are my fault, that doesn't automatically mean they can be fixed. I have never been good at anything. I have never had a real friendship or romantic relationship. I am incapable of forming them. I've always been a selfish ***** my whole life. I didn't need drugs or alcohol to become a ****** person.
This is in direct contrast to every recovered people whose stories I've heard from their own mouths. They always start out as a good guy who becomes a piece of **** due to their addiction. They know how to maintain a variety of relationships. They know how to take care of themselves. They know how to make money. Then they lose everything in the downward spiral. Then they enter into recovery and the story goes one of two ways: they put in lots of hard work to change themselves or they "let go and let God" change them.
I repeat: I have met many people like me at meetings but none of them ever learn how to live.
I hope someone here who is like me and has recovered can respond to me somehow. I cannot receive private messages. I need to find out what I'm supposed to do so I can change and I need to do it fast because I cannot stand it much longer.
Anna mentioned counselling and therapy. I would highly recommend that you consider this route. I, too, thought I was just a selfish pig who only lived for self-service. Turns out, yes I can be and probably always will, but that’s just one part of me and has been a defence/coping mechanism I utilised to keep me alive. Counselling helped me explore parts of myself that exist that I couldn’t/wouldn’t acknowledge and to be able to utilise those more in my life. Therapy isn’t a magic spell that changes everything over night, it requires a lot of work, self awareness and vulnerable, brutal honesty, but if you’re open to that, it can help in ways you can’t imagine.
You’re not even close to being a lost cause, and I’m so glad you’re reaching out this way. Congratulations on 8 months, and I wish you all the luck and best wishes on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 774
My personal view is that replacing drinking time with productive hobbies and interests (which could include work - ideally, combine hobbies with your job!) is the key to a good recovery. No mention of that in the twelve steps, which is why while I have gotten positive benefits from AA meetings I do not feel their 12 step programme is for me.
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
I mean, you probably don't have anything to lose by doing the 12 steps. It only takes a few months.
I am working them right now, never thought I would, and I love it so far.
I'm reading the big book with a sponsor, and it is actually fun, and rewarding to me.
I am working them right now, never thought I would, and I love it so far.
I'm reading the big book with a sponsor, and it is actually fun, and rewarding to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
I think you can be the change you want to see.
Perhaps the AA program is one you are no longer benefitting from? There are many different ways to get and stay sober. Life is filled with so many different roads to travel and I do see that sobriety is the same.
You are an intelligent person. Having reservations with the 12 steps is okay. I also have reservations.
I think we all inherently know what is good for us and what is bad. I have developed my own "program" of sorts and I feel really good with what I am doing. It is not up to anyone but ME to decide how I am to live my life. We all get to decide how we are going to walk this sober road....this life.
"learn how to live" can look differently depending on who you and what you are looking at.
Some of my personal values are:
- Honesty (with myself and with others)
- health (mental, emotional. physical and spiritual)
- Stability ( professionally and personally)
- Hard Work
- Autonomy
- Respect (self and others)
When the ^ gets out of balance I struggle immensely. I think we need to live according to our values. Values give my life direction and meaning. It helps me to make sense of a world that, quite frankly, does not make sense most of the time.
I hope you continue to post and continue to seek the "truth" for yourself. I think you have a lot to offer.
Perhaps the AA program is one you are no longer benefitting from? There are many different ways to get and stay sober. Life is filled with so many different roads to travel and I do see that sobriety is the same.
You are an intelligent person. Having reservations with the 12 steps is okay. I also have reservations.
I think we all inherently know what is good for us and what is bad. I have developed my own "program" of sorts and I feel really good with what I am doing. It is not up to anyone but ME to decide how I am to live my life. We all get to decide how we are going to walk this sober road....this life.
"learn how to live" can look differently depending on who you and what you are looking at.
Some of my personal values are:
- Honesty (with myself and with others)
- health (mental, emotional. physical and spiritual)
- Stability ( professionally and personally)
- Hard Work
- Autonomy
- Respect (self and others)
When the ^ gets out of balance I struggle immensely. I think we need to live according to our values. Values give my life direction and meaning. It helps me to make sense of a world that, quite frankly, does not make sense most of the time.
I hope you continue to post and continue to seek the "truth" for yourself. I think you have a lot to offer.
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