In early recovery, and experiencing a HUGE trigger. NEED HELP.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 132
In early recovery, and experiencing a HUGE trigger. NEED HELP.
Good morning,
I'm struggling. I wanted to reach out on here because I know that y'all are excellent help, and some have probably been through something similar.
Without going into the entire story, because it's far too long and really messed up, I'll just say that I have my child 99% of the time. Her dad comes and goes, seeing her once every six months, or sometimes popping up every couple weeks asking to have her overnight.
Anyhow, I've learned that him taking her is a HUGE TRIGGER for me wanting to drink.
When I received the text from him this morning saying that he's picking her up tomorrow for an overnight, I started to hear and recognize that addictive voice of mine. I closed his text on the phone, and went on a walk with her.
An hour or so later, I got a text from him saying to pack her warm clothes, ski pants and coat, etc. because he's taking her snow tubing.
Just want to say that he has NEVER given any child support, and has never financially or emotionally supported her by any means at all. There's no court order.
My kiddo LOVES him, and idolizes him. She barely knows him :/ She's 7, so it has got to be so confusing and difficult for her. I'm glad that all she feels so far is love for him. That's a blessing.
Anyhow, I could go on about this to you guys, but I'm sure you get the point.
It's triggering that she's going with him out of the blue, and even more of a stress and trigger that he's taking her an hour away to go snow tubing during a pandemic.
Can anyone please send some words or thoughts of encouragement? I'm doing really well on this path of sobriety, and I really don't want to trip up because some jerk decides he wants to be Disneyland Dad for a day.
I'm struggling. I wanted to reach out on here because I know that y'all are excellent help, and some have probably been through something similar.
Without going into the entire story, because it's far too long and really messed up, I'll just say that I have my child 99% of the time. Her dad comes and goes, seeing her once every six months, or sometimes popping up every couple weeks asking to have her overnight.
Anyhow, I've learned that him taking her is a HUGE TRIGGER for me wanting to drink.
When I received the text from him this morning saying that he's picking her up tomorrow for an overnight, I started to hear and recognize that addictive voice of mine. I closed his text on the phone, and went on a walk with her.
An hour or so later, I got a text from him saying to pack her warm clothes, ski pants and coat, etc. because he's taking her snow tubing.
Just want to say that he has NEVER given any child support, and has never financially or emotionally supported her by any means at all. There's no court order.
My kiddo LOVES him, and idolizes him. She barely knows him :/ She's 7, so it has got to be so confusing and difficult for her. I'm glad that all she feels so far is love for him. That's a blessing.
Anyhow, I could go on about this to you guys, but I'm sure you get the point.
It's triggering that she's going with him out of the blue, and even more of a stress and trigger that he's taking her an hour away to go snow tubing during a pandemic.
Can anyone please send some words or thoughts of encouragement? I'm doing really well on this path of sobriety, and I really don't want to trip up because some jerk decides he wants to be Disneyland Dad for a day.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
Hi WindPines! I can't give much advise but if you're worried about her safety because of the pandemic maybe you could have a word with her dad, telling him about your concerns and ask him to postpone his plans until times are safer again.
Apart from that it sounds like you regularly feel stressed when he decides to take her. I would try to get to the bottom of that. What are your worries? Are you worried that she will prefer him over you? Then maybe work on yourself, figure out why you feel like you're not good enough or where that jealousy comes from. Are there rational concerns about him? Has he been abusive? Would he drink and drive, would he put her at other risks? If that is the case I recommend you talk to someone who can give you legal advise. Or is it that he announces his plans pretty spontaneously and do you feel like he never asks you about your plans first, just coming out of nowhere taking her for a night or two, being irregular? Then again I would say it's best to talk to him, telling him that you're happy he's interested in building a relationship to his daughter but that he needs to be more consistent about it and also take your plans into consideration.
As to the trigger itself: In early recovery I made myself an emergency list with possible triggers (feeling angry, feeling stressed, feeling lonely, feeling overwhelmed, etc) and possible alternative behaviours which I found very helpful to get my mind back on track when it was running off
Apart from that it sounds like you regularly feel stressed when he decides to take her. I would try to get to the bottom of that. What are your worries? Are you worried that she will prefer him over you? Then maybe work on yourself, figure out why you feel like you're not good enough or where that jealousy comes from. Are there rational concerns about him? Has he been abusive? Would he drink and drive, would he put her at other risks? If that is the case I recommend you talk to someone who can give you legal advise. Or is it that he announces his plans pretty spontaneously and do you feel like he never asks you about your plans first, just coming out of nowhere taking her for a night or two, being irregular? Then again I would say it's best to talk to him, telling him that you're happy he's interested in building a relationship to his daughter but that he needs to be more consistent about it and also take your plans into consideration.
As to the trigger itself: In early recovery I made myself an emergency list with possible triggers (feeling angry, feeling stressed, feeling lonely, feeling overwhelmed, etc) and possible alternative behaviours which I found very helpful to get my mind back on track when it was running off
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 132
Thank you Kevlar, for your response! That helps.
I have been the legal route because he was violent toward me, a constant drunk driver, and heavy drinker. The judge decided he wasn't any threat to my child or I, and dismissed everything I asked of him. I had a lawyer. My kiddo's dad was a cop. I think that may have had something to do with the judge's findings. Or, lack thereof.
You brought up a lot of things that could be possible triggers for me. Also, thank you for the emergency list idea. That sounds very helpful!
I have been the legal route because he was violent toward me, a constant drunk driver, and heavy drinker. The judge decided he wasn't any threat to my child or I, and dismissed everything I asked of him. I had a lawyer. My kiddo's dad was a cop. I think that may have had something to do with the judge's findings. Or, lack thereof.
You brought up a lot of things that could be possible triggers for me. Also, thank you for the emergency list idea. That sounds very helpful!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by WindPines;[url=tel:7579527
7579527[/url]]Thank you Kevlar, for your response! That helps.
I have been the legal route because he was violent toward me, a constant drunk driver, and heavy drinker. The judge decided he wasn't any threat to my child or I, and dismissed everything I asked of him. I had a lawyer. My kiddo's dad was a cop. I think that may have had something to do with the judge's findings. Or, lack thereof.
You brought up a lot of things that could be possible triggers for me. Also, thank you for the emergency list idea. That sounds very helpful!
I have been the legal route because he was violent toward me, a constant drunk driver, and heavy drinker. The judge decided he wasn't any threat to my child or I, and dismissed everything I asked of him. I had a lawyer. My kiddo's dad was a cop. I think that may have had something to do with the judge's findings. Or, lack thereof.
You brought up a lot of things that could be possible triggers for me. Also, thank you for the emergency list idea. That sounds very helpful!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I really don't want to trip up because some jerk decides he wants to be Disneyland Dad for a day.
Also think about, if you were to trip up over this brief segment in her lifetime (Dad for a day) would the effects last way longer for her than your discomfort will over this brief segment.
Many times, what is right, is not fair; but the effects of right are far reaching and more soul satisfying.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Hi Woodpines,
Trying to help is a way for us addicts to stay sober.
So, thanks for the opportunity to offer my 2 cents.
Basically, what I felt in early sobriety (not sure where you are, but I am at about 5 years), was triggers to drink.
Everything was a trigger. Good, bad, indifferent. Bad things, like your X doing what he is doing, were hard. So was New Years, Xmas, 4th of July, etc.
Suffering through those triggers, drug free, hardened me. I relate it to hardening a sword. Fire, cooling, fire, cooling. After a while, I sort of became numb.
After I became numb, which was a trigger, then I started to experience other emotions and regrets. They were triggers too.
My current stage is overly interactive. I can be very quiet or I can become extremely interactive. Sort of weird, but at least I am aware of it.
The bottom line is as long as I don't start hitting people out of anger, with my body or car, it is going to be ok.
I always remember that yelling, and name calling, is just before physical violence. So when I feel like yelling or name calling, it is a warning to tone it down.
I was reminded of a quote recently and I use it all the time, in my head.
Comfortable being uncomfortable.
Active addicts drug up for all occasions. None drug users (recovering addicts) deal with the hell using all of the dealing techniques (e.g. exercise, deep breathing/exhaling, projects, volunteer work etc etc.)
Suffering and time ma'am.
Thanks again for the therapy.
Trying to help is a way for us addicts to stay sober.
So, thanks for the opportunity to offer my 2 cents.
Basically, what I felt in early sobriety (not sure where you are, but I am at about 5 years), was triggers to drink.
Everything was a trigger. Good, bad, indifferent. Bad things, like your X doing what he is doing, were hard. So was New Years, Xmas, 4th of July, etc.
Suffering through those triggers, drug free, hardened me. I relate it to hardening a sword. Fire, cooling, fire, cooling. After a while, I sort of became numb.
After I became numb, which was a trigger, then I started to experience other emotions and regrets. They were triggers too.
My current stage is overly interactive. I can be very quiet or I can become extremely interactive. Sort of weird, but at least I am aware of it.
The bottom line is as long as I don't start hitting people out of anger, with my body or car, it is going to be ok.
I always remember that yelling, and name calling, is just before physical violence. So when I feel like yelling or name calling, it is a warning to tone it down.
I was reminded of a quote recently and I use it all the time, in my head.
Comfortable being uncomfortable.
Active addicts drug up for all occasions. None drug users (recovering addicts) deal with the hell using all of the dealing techniques (e.g. exercise, deep breathing/exhaling, projects, volunteer work etc etc.)
Suffering and time ma'am.
Thanks again for the therapy.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I agree that you could spend some time trying to figure out exactly why you are triggered by your daughter's dad seeing her. If you are concerned for her physical safety, then maybe there is some way to address that. Maybe you can assure her that she can talk to you about anything that happens when she's with him?
He seems to be a Disneyland Dad and he may remain that way. There is really nothing you can do about that, and it should be helpful to remember that this is about your daughter and her relationship with her Dad. Staying sober will definitely be the best way to deal with this ongoing issue.
He seems to be a Disneyland Dad and he may remain that way. There is really nothing you can do about that, and it should be helpful to remember that this is about your daughter and her relationship with her Dad. Staying sober will definitely be the best way to deal with this ongoing issue.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,592
Don't trip up WindPine.
This is an important moment in your recovery. Don't self sabotage on account of Disneyland Dad, with all of his concomitant personality traits. 😡 I'd be really pissed off too. Pays no child support, turns up at the drop of a hat, and you have to comply because you want your daughter to have a relationship with her Dad. And no support from the courts either. I'm so sorry.
It's great that she loves, and wants to see him. Keep this bit alive, it's important for your daughter to have relationship with her father even if he has been a jerk.
The trigger to drink doesn't have to result in the DECISION to drink! This is really important learning for you. You get the chance to work through your feelings without numbing the anger and pain with alcohol. I had a not dissimilar experience to your own when my kids where young and I drank to cope. It didn't work WindPine.
I'd let her go WindPine and use her time away to stay connected here to get the support you need. Do something nice for yourself as well. Drinking is never nice in my experience.
Can you make application to the courts to have better regulated access? It is definitely not fair that your he gets to choose the conditions at whim. So disempowering. So triggering. Don't let it WindPine. Don't give him that power. I'd be making further application to the courts for regulated access.
Don't take it out on yourself WindPine. He's not worth it. Please use this time to work through your feelings and act in your own better interests.
Stay connected here WindPine. We care, and we understand.
Keep going on your sober journey. It works.
This is an important moment in your recovery. Don't self sabotage on account of Disneyland Dad, with all of his concomitant personality traits. 😡 I'd be really pissed off too. Pays no child support, turns up at the drop of a hat, and you have to comply because you want your daughter to have a relationship with her Dad. And no support from the courts either. I'm so sorry.
It's great that she loves, and wants to see him. Keep this bit alive, it's important for your daughter to have relationship with her father even if he has been a jerk.
The trigger to drink doesn't have to result in the DECISION to drink! This is really important learning for you. You get the chance to work through your feelings without numbing the anger and pain with alcohol. I had a not dissimilar experience to your own when my kids where young and I drank to cope. It didn't work WindPine.
I'd let her go WindPine and use her time away to stay connected here to get the support you need. Do something nice for yourself as well. Drinking is never nice in my experience.
Can you make application to the courts to have better regulated access? It is definitely not fair that your he gets to choose the conditions at whim. So disempowering. So triggering. Don't let it WindPine. Don't give him that power. I'd be making further application to the courts for regulated access.
Don't take it out on yourself WindPine. He's not worth it. Please use this time to work through your feelings and act in your own better interests.
Stay connected here WindPine. We care, and we understand.
Keep going on your sober journey. It works.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by WindPines 
Good morning,
I'm struggling. I wanted to reach out on here because I know that y'all are excellent help, and some have probably been through something similar.
Without going into the entire story, because it's far too long and really messed up, I'll just say that I have my child 99% of the time. Her dad comes and goes, seeing her once every six months, or sometimes popping up every couple weeks asking to have her overnight.
Anyhow, I've learned that him taking her is a HUGE TRIGGER for me wanting to drink.
When I received the text from him this morning saying that he's picking her up tomorrow for an overnight, I started to hear and recognize that addictive voice of mine. I closed his text on the phone, and went on a walk with her.
An hour or so later, I got a text from him saying to pack her warm clothes, ski pants and coat, etc. because he's taking her snow tubing.
Just want to say that he has NEVER given any child support, and has never financially or emotionally supported her by any means at all. There's no court order.
My kiddo LOVES him, and idolizes him. She barely knows him :/ She's 7, so it has got to be so confusing and difficult for her. I'm glad that all she feels so far is love for him. That's a blessing.
Anyhow, I could go on about this to you guys, but I'm sure you get the point.
It's triggering that she's going with him out of the blue, and even more of a stress and trigger that he's taking her an hour away to go snow tubing during a pandemic.
Can anyone please send some words or thoughts of encouragement? I'm doing really well on this path of sobriety, and I really don't want to trip up because some jerk decides he wants to be Disneyland Dad for a day.
I'm struggling. I wanted to reach out on here because I know that y'all are excellent help, and some have probably been through something similar.
Without going into the entire story, because it's far too long and really messed up, I'll just say that I have my child 99% of the time. Her dad comes and goes, seeing her once every six months, or sometimes popping up every couple weeks asking to have her overnight.
Anyhow, I've learned that him taking her is a HUGE TRIGGER for me wanting to drink.
When I received the text from him this morning saying that he's picking her up tomorrow for an overnight, I started to hear and recognize that addictive voice of mine. I closed his text on the phone, and went on a walk with her.
An hour or so later, I got a text from him saying to pack her warm clothes, ski pants and coat, etc. because he's taking her snow tubing.
Just want to say that he has NEVER given any child support, and has never financially or emotionally supported her by any means at all. There's no court order.
My kiddo LOVES him, and idolizes him. She barely knows him :/ She's 7, so it has got to be so confusing and difficult for her. I'm glad that all she feels so far is love for him. That's a blessing.
Anyhow, I could go on about this to you guys, but I'm sure you get the point.
It's triggering that she's going with him out of the blue, and even more of a stress and trigger that he's taking her an hour away to go snow tubing during a pandemic.
Can anyone please send some words or thoughts of encouragement? I'm doing really well on this path of sobriety, and I really don't want to trip up because some jerk decides he wants to be Disneyland Dad for a day.
While obviously she is not going to baulk at being whisked away to a “Disneyland” in this instance, it would be far better for her well-being if this was a known and predictable (regularised in some way) form of contact. Because if he shows up every six months or so , I imagine there are times when he says he will but doesn’t. I am so sorry the courts made no orders and it seems to me this is something worth pursuing again, at some stage. Or at least continuing to try to put in place through negotiation with your ex.
But that is not going to help you right now. Right now you need to know that providing your child is not in danger, then your ex. behaviour is not something you can control . At all. What is in your control is your behaviour. Yes, you could respond to this by drinking - maybe for the whole time your daughter is away. I know that is where my AV would be going with this. But then what? Play the tape forward. How will this help you and your daughter to navigate all of this?
I have shared care arrangement with my ex. We have the children 50/50 . Split weeks, painstakingly divided holidays. My daughter was same age as yours is now when we split up. My son a couple years older. My dog goes with the kids wherever they are . Decided that this would assist them with the shock of the divorce - and this has never changed.
To say that interactions my ex. Triggers me to drink would be an understatement. 😂 - for different reasons to you , perhaps, but basically I am slowly learning a little more about all the junk that is underneath that. The junk in me - nothing about her behaviour.
My ex regularly finds ways to take the kids for more time than she is entitled to or finds ways to intrude on time I have with kids.
I used to fight it , I used to rail about it and of course , numbed the **** out of it with alcohol. And I will confess towards the end of my active addiction I was actually pretty happy to give her extra time - because it meant more guilt-free drinking and gaming .
so now early sober me still constantly feels like the worst parent on the planet whenever I interact with her. That I don’t belong in my kids lives. That all I bring them is pain and suffering . That she has given them perfection - and wtf have I given them? A rented hell hole of addiction?
But all this is stuff that I need to start working through. It doesn’t make a jolt of difference to her side of the street. What makes a difference is me being sober and present and trying to rebuild my relationships with my son and daughter and give them back lives with me.
For you i imagine, it is the same. You need to stay on the sober path for you and for her.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Hi WindPines, it sounds very unfair to me and I would also be upset about the whole thing. I cannot really add to the outstanding advice you have already received, but just want to say that you have made some really positive steps in several ways:
You recognized the trigger, and your AV reacting to your emotions, which is huge. Some of us never even get that far - we just feel an emotion and drink.
You also reached out for help and verbalized the situation instead of holding the anger in, and that is also very proactive behavior.
The only things I can suggest are to do what you already know - do what you can to ensure she is safe, stay sober so you remain capable of handling the situation and being there for your daughter. And find a way to re-negotiate the terms of his visitation. Steely and Tanky put it really well so I won't reiterate, but the situation is just not fair and reasonable. Especially upon such little notice. Maybe find a better lawyer.
Best to you and great job of handling this situation so well.
You recognized the trigger, and your AV reacting to your emotions, which is huge. Some of us never even get that far - we just feel an emotion and drink.
You also reached out for help and verbalized the situation instead of holding the anger in, and that is also very proactive behavior.
The only things I can suggest are to do what you already know - do what you can to ensure she is safe, stay sober so you remain capable of handling the situation and being there for your daughter. And find a way to re-negotiate the terms of his visitation. Steely and Tanky put it really well so I won't reiterate, but the situation is just not fair and reasonable. Especially upon such little notice. Maybe find a better lawyer.
Best to you and great job of handling this situation so well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
WP,
My boy was 8 when his dad and I split. I assumed the financial burden (insurance, clothes, etc.) and DS went back and forth between us. It was supposed to be a 50/50 time split, but he was with me more than that. I’ve often been shocked at his dad’s lack of...well, everything...but that's just the way it is.
He’s now 19, and is fully aware of who was there for him all those years. I cherish our relationship, and it was worth all the tough times.
I got sober about 3.5 years ago. It’s the best thing I ever did for us both. My only regret is I didn’t do it sooner.
Their childhood flies by...ask any parent. In no time your girl will be an adult, and you will know that you did the right thing no matter how difficult it was.
Best wishes,
-bora
My boy was 8 when his dad and I split. I assumed the financial burden (insurance, clothes, etc.) and DS went back and forth between us. It was supposed to be a 50/50 time split, but he was with me more than that. I’ve often been shocked at his dad’s lack of...well, everything...but that's just the way it is.
He’s now 19, and is fully aware of who was there for him all those years. I cherish our relationship, and it was worth all the tough times.
I got sober about 3.5 years ago. It’s the best thing I ever did for us both. My only regret is I didn’t do it sooner.
Their childhood flies by...ask any parent. In no time your girl will be an adult, and you will know that you did the right thing no matter how difficult it was.
Best wishes,
-bora
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Location: Virginia
Posts: 100
this is hard, I know what it's like to be the full time Mom, not the drop in. Consider boundaries, if he doesn't have a visitation schedule he should ask, not tell. That puts the control in your hands,, you can agree,, but you aren't being forced..
FWIW, tubing is outdoors, most likely distanced, so it is safer than an indoor activity.
Hang in there, you are a good Mom.
FWIW, tubing is outdoors, most likely distanced, so it is safer than an indoor activity.
Hang in there, you are a good Mom.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Location: Virginia
Posts: 100
You mentioned he was abusive. Dictating a random visitation with no regard for your schedule can be a means of controlling behavior, common in abusive relationships. If you can, set boundaries and take back your control. It may help with the triggers
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
