Sober after decades...worse before better???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 4
Sober after decades...worse before better???
Hi new friends!
I wanted to introduce myself. I am a mom of a 10 year old boy. I’ve been with my husband for 25 years now. I’ve been drinking since I met him (except when I was pregnant). His parents are big drinkers, always suggesting we have a “treat”. Putting drinks in hands. They introduced me to wine. Over the years, as you all know, my drinking (and my husband’s) got progressively worse. Up until 2 weeks ago, I was drinking up to a large bottle of wine a day (afternoon and evening). Daily.
It finally occurred to me I was drinking to numb my feelings of loneliness and stress. Both my husband and son have autism (ASD 1, previously Aspergers). Son is diagnosed and husband is adamant he has nothing of the sort. Anyway, I spend a lot of my days feeling alone while in the same room as my husband. Longing for a deeper more meaningful connection that his brain is just not wired to give me. So I was drinking to not feel this pain. And the pain of seeing him always unable to support our son emotionally.
Anyway....2 weeks ago I did a lot of research and scared the **** out of myself. I decided enough was enough and that if something happened to me like cancer, my son would have no one who was truly connected to him. I quit.
The first 2 days I felt like a million bucks. And even felt like I looked so much better. Now it’s been about 17 days and I feel like I look horrible. Pale, drawn out, skin more wrinkled, just much older. This is upsetting me because I wasn’t expecting it. I’m not going to start drinking over it but damn lol I hope my body sorts itself out soon. I’ve been drinking lots of water and taking all my vitamins and supplements.
Is this an actual thing? Did anyone else experience a ‘worse before better’ thing like this? I am going for full bloodwork tomorrow (including liver function) so I will see if there is anything wrong. But I wanted to ask you guys if anyone has noticed this. Does stopping this amount of drinking do anything bad to your body? Even when I had no real symptoms of withdrawal...
Thank you all in advance! Hope you are all having a decent day.
I wanted to introduce myself. I am a mom of a 10 year old boy. I’ve been with my husband for 25 years now. I’ve been drinking since I met him (except when I was pregnant). His parents are big drinkers, always suggesting we have a “treat”. Putting drinks in hands. They introduced me to wine. Over the years, as you all know, my drinking (and my husband’s) got progressively worse. Up until 2 weeks ago, I was drinking up to a large bottle of wine a day (afternoon and evening). Daily.
It finally occurred to me I was drinking to numb my feelings of loneliness and stress. Both my husband and son have autism (ASD 1, previously Aspergers). Son is diagnosed and husband is adamant he has nothing of the sort. Anyway, I spend a lot of my days feeling alone while in the same room as my husband. Longing for a deeper more meaningful connection that his brain is just not wired to give me. So I was drinking to not feel this pain. And the pain of seeing him always unable to support our son emotionally.
Anyway....2 weeks ago I did a lot of research and scared the **** out of myself. I decided enough was enough and that if something happened to me like cancer, my son would have no one who was truly connected to him. I quit.
The first 2 days I felt like a million bucks. And even felt like I looked so much better. Now it’s been about 17 days and I feel like I look horrible. Pale, drawn out, skin more wrinkled, just much older. This is upsetting me because I wasn’t expecting it. I’m not going to start drinking over it but damn lol I hope my body sorts itself out soon. I’ve been drinking lots of water and taking all my vitamins and supplements.
Is this an actual thing? Did anyone else experience a ‘worse before better’ thing like this? I am going for full bloodwork tomorrow (including liver function) so I will see if there is anything wrong. But I wanted to ask you guys if anyone has noticed this. Does stopping this amount of drinking do anything bad to your body? Even when I had no real symptoms of withdrawal...
Thank you all in advance! Hope you are all having a decent day.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Good Morning! Welcome to SR. Congrats on your sober time. You are doing amazing!
"I feel like I look horrible. Pale, drawn out, skin more wrinkled, just much older."
The first thing that comes to mind with this statement is that we are our worst critique. The other thing that comes to mind is that you may not be seeing what other people see. Also, just from my experience, it takes some time to get sorted out. Some days I look in the mirror and I think I look pale. Other days I have more color in my cheeks, etc.
You have an appointment with a GP and take it from there. How do actually feel physically? More energy? More productivity? It sounds like you are doing really well and working diligently with your son. Doing all the responsible things. I commend you.
Keep on going!
"I feel like I look horrible. Pale, drawn out, skin more wrinkled, just much older."
The first thing that comes to mind with this statement is that we are our worst critique. The other thing that comes to mind is that you may not be seeing what other people see. Also, just from my experience, it takes some time to get sorted out. Some days I look in the mirror and I think I look pale. Other days I have more color in my cheeks, etc.
You have an appointment with a GP and take it from there. How do actually feel physically? More energy? More productivity? It sounds like you are doing really well and working diligently with your son. Doing all the responsible things. I commend you.
Keep on going!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: K.C.MO
Posts: 425
Hey there. Congrats on taking the first steps to sobriety. You will not regret it. But keep in mind that you will go through a lot of different physical and emotional changes. Don't be surprised if blood work comes back abnormal, mine did. It took a couple of months to get back to normal after I quit. Focus on eating healthy, fruits, grains, lean protein, salads.....stay away from processed sugary foods. Your body and mind needs time to heal. I was on a emotional roller coaster and still am. I am only on day 79. Read some self help books. You need to stay away from the places & people that trigger the drinking. Stay strong, stay sober. This will save your life! Choose life over the drink!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
Quitting alcohol often entails huge waves of anxiety, sometimes taking on the feeling of total hopelessness or doom. I'm not saying the changes you're experiencing aren't real, but they might be amplified by anxiety.
Just a thought.
Just a thought.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi honeybee and welcome to SR. It takes a bit for your body and mind to heal from the daily crush of poison. Not having to fight the daily battle, your body is now attending to delayed work on your skin, your body, your mind. It will take a bit. Please schedule and appointment with a health care provider as they can advise you better on these questions. But one thing is certain - how you look and how you feel will both be worse when you are drinking. Congratulations on quitting and 17 days is absolutely great!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome honeybee! Fantastic start on a sober and healthy life ahead! One where you can really be present for your son.
No, stopping drinking will not do anything bad to your body. Quite the opposite, it will allow it to heal from the onslaught of alcohol. However, your brain and body need time to heal. There will be ups and downs and sideways progress. Do you exercise? It is very important, both for health and sleep. I highly doubt that you look worse now, and suspect it is your *interpretation*, but there are actually factors that could affect your physical appearance.
1. It is likely that you have lost weight, as that is a lot of extra calories to ingest every day (750 Kcal per bottle = 3750/week = more than a pound of empty calories every week, that you have now cut out.
2. Your sleep may be disrupted. Most of us experience this in the first few months.
3. You may have lost muscle mass during these drinking years, from not exercising.
4. Lastly, it is middle of winter and those in northern latitudes usually do look a bit pale. Daily cardio will give you a healthy glow.
It is most likely that, as Mizz mentions, your perception of your physical appearance has changed and you look fine. I cannot stress how much damage a bottle of wine does to the brain and our thinking. Your AV (addictive voice) will be trying to get you to drink again in any way possible - what better way than to tell you that you look worse after quitting? Seriously. It is a real thing we all have to deal with.
I hope you will read through the posts on here and keep working on your sobriety. Let us know how you are doing. Join the January class.. It will make such a positive difference in your life.
No, stopping drinking will not do anything bad to your body. Quite the opposite, it will allow it to heal from the onslaught of alcohol. However, your brain and body need time to heal. There will be ups and downs and sideways progress. Do you exercise? It is very important, both for health and sleep. I highly doubt that you look worse now, and suspect it is your *interpretation*, but there are actually factors that could affect your physical appearance.
1. It is likely that you have lost weight, as that is a lot of extra calories to ingest every day (750 Kcal per bottle = 3750/week = more than a pound of empty calories every week, that you have now cut out.
2. Your sleep may be disrupted. Most of us experience this in the first few months.
3. You may have lost muscle mass during these drinking years, from not exercising.
4. Lastly, it is middle of winter and those in northern latitudes usually do look a bit pale. Daily cardio will give you a healthy glow.
It is most likely that, as Mizz mentions, your perception of your physical appearance has changed and you look fine. I cannot stress how much damage a bottle of wine does to the brain and our thinking. Your AV (addictive voice) will be trying to get you to drink again in any way possible - what better way than to tell you that you look worse after quitting? Seriously. It is a real thing we all have to deal with.
I hope you will read through the posts on here and keep working on your sobriety. Let us know how you are doing. Join the January class.. It will make such a positive difference in your life.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
First, good for you for stepping up for your son. I hate to say it, but I felt worse in a number of ways for several months. The good news is it was worth it. People used to tell me I looked old for my age. Now, and after 7 years of sobriety, numerous people have told me I "look great" for being in my 60's. And truth be told, I feel better now than I did in my 40's. It gets better.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
I'm glad that you've decided to stop drinking. Early recovery takes a lot of patience. I didn't experience 'worse before better' but I know physical improvements took a bit of time. Are you eating well and exercising, drinking lots of water? Those things are important to help you feel and look your best. I'm glad you're talking to your doctor soon.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
It's great to meet you, honeybee. 
Congratulations on making this life changing decision - we know it's hard in the early days. Talking things over here really helped me to not feel alone.
I had a similar experience when I quit. I felt I didn't look well - and had expected just the opposite. I also had aches & pains as my body got used to the new routine. (I was drinking every day for years.) Everything got better, & I was less bloated, puffy, and pale after a couple months. It's good you're staying hydrated. Congrats on your 17 days - something to be so proud of!
Congratulations on making this life changing decision - we know it's hard in the early days. Talking things over here really helped me to not feel alone.I had a similar experience when I quit. I felt I didn't look well - and had expected just the opposite. I also had aches & pains as my body got used to the new routine. (I was drinking every day for years.) Everything got better, & I was less bloated, puffy, and pale after a couple months. It's good you're staying hydrated. Congrats on your 17 days - something to be so proud of!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 705
Congrats on becoming sober!! I think what you are going through is probably not that uncommon and I believe things will balance out for you soon. This is all so new to your body! Just stay sober (and I will too) and I am confident the best is yet to come.
Welcome to Sober Recovery! It is a wonderful site with wonderful people!!
Welcome to Sober Recovery! It is a wonderful site with wonderful people!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 4
Thank you so much everyone! These replies of encouragement and validation brought tears to my eyes. I will definitely make myself right at home here. I am no stranger to support groups. They truly help. So I’m happy to have found you all.
One of my biggest struggles will be that my husband still drinks A LOT. Right now it’s not affecting me too badly but I do feel a growing resentment every time I hear the can of beer being opened. 😞 I did manage to get him to agree to come get the same bloodwork done as me tomorrow so that’s good.
Is there a specific part of this forum that I could turn to for support when someone quits but their spouse still drinks?
Thanks again for the warm welcome.
One of my biggest struggles will be that my husband still drinks A LOT. Right now it’s not affecting me too badly but I do feel a growing resentment every time I hear the can of beer being opened. 😞 I did manage to get him to agree to come get the same bloodwork done as me tomorrow so that’s good.
Is there a specific part of this forum that I could turn to for support when someone quits but their spouse still drinks?
Thanks again for the warm welcome.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Honeybee, there isn't a specific part of the forum for those who quit but their spouse still drinks. However, many members are in that situation and it's a fairly common topic. You will be able to do it, and planning ahead will be very helpful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 192
I look worse since I quit drinking, so you're not alone. I know it's awful and discouraging. Just remember, you've been rough on your body for a while and it needs time to heal. Keep drinking lots of water, maybe look into adding a very simple skincare routine at night like cleanse, tone, moisturize.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by relena 
I look worse since I quit drinking, so you're not alone. I know it's awful and discouraging. Just remember, you've been rough on your body for a while and it needs time to heal. Keep drinking lots of water, maybe look into adding a very simple skincare routine at night like cleanse, tone, moisturize.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome Honeybee
I think a lot of people underestimate the toll years of drinking takes on mind and body,
I think feeling good, then feeling bad is pretty normal. The good thing is you will feel good again.
Like Anna said, there's no specific forum for people whose partners still drink but a lot of people here deal with just that - if you wanted to focus on that feel free to start a thread
D
I think a lot of people underestimate the toll years of drinking takes on mind and body,
I think feeling good, then feeling bad is pretty normal. The good thing is you will feel good again.
Like Anna said, there's no specific forum for people whose partners still drink but a lot of people here deal with just that - if you wanted to focus on that feel free to start a thread
D
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
The good news short answer is after this much time clean, you are physically good to go. You are over the detox. Yay!
Now for the bad news....Now the permanent brain damage shows through. It can linger for years. Relapse looms at every turn.
Booze initially seemed to make things better, but now this clean that was all addiction talking. I was addicted as a pre teen.
Addiction will do anything anything anything to get me to relapse. Good, bad, indifferent.
When I quit, I never really looked worse than when I was drinking, but I did lose weight, so I looked different.
The brain damage from drinking, treated by some with depression/anti psych meds, didn't really get better, but I got used to it. Then it settled down and I normalized.
My confidence slowly went up and up. I had double the energy, but was still pretty weak. I quit drinking initially because I was into grappling and wanted to see how good I could get. These days I am about 80% as strong as I was in my late 20's. I am getting stronger as a 56 yo. Not weaker. Yay!
As bad as the first couple of years were (very very very very bad) I am now sooooooooo appreciative of being a born again tee teetotaler.
Serenity. Miracles. Strength. All as we were designed. We were not designed to ingest toxic poisonous fermented CNS altering substances. Duh...
Hope this helps somehow.
Thanks for the therapy.
Now for the bad news....Now the permanent brain damage shows through. It can linger for years. Relapse looms at every turn.
Booze initially seemed to make things better, but now this clean that was all addiction talking. I was addicted as a pre teen.
Addiction will do anything anything anything to get me to relapse. Good, bad, indifferent.
When I quit, I never really looked worse than when I was drinking, but I did lose weight, so I looked different.
The brain damage from drinking, treated by some with depression/anti psych meds, didn't really get better, but I got used to it. Then it settled down and I normalized.
My confidence slowly went up and up. I had double the energy, but was still pretty weak. I quit drinking initially because I was into grappling and wanted to see how good I could get. These days I am about 80% as strong as I was in my late 20's. I am getting stronger as a 56 yo. Not weaker. Yay!
As bad as the first couple of years were (very very very very bad) I am now sooooooooo appreciative of being a born again tee teetotaler.
Serenity. Miracles. Strength. All as we were designed. We were not designed to ingest toxic poisonous fermented CNS altering substances. Duh...
Hope this helps somehow.
Thanks for the therapy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 192
Originally Posted by honeybee76
Thank you. How long has it been since you quit? I will keep going with the water! Bloodwork is tomorrow! And I did invest in some nice skincare. I decided after my post this morning, to give myself a little makeover. I colored my hair, got my husband to help me trim it (we are on lockdown here lol) and I’m feeling a bit better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 363
I am at roughly 4 months physically since my heavy drinking, and I noticed the wrinkles and paleness. The thing is though that we were puffy, bloated and flushed from the alcohol. At 4 months, I am still a bit more wrinkly(lost 10 lbs), but you can see my eyes and I am starting to look more rested and better than I did 5 months ago. And I am probably older than you, so I imagine you will bounce back more quickly.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
We do have 'friends and family' forums about halfway down the main index page. Support for people whose spouse/child/parent/sibling/friend still drinks/uses drugs. Take a look. Might give you additional support from people going thru the same thing as you are. 
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