babycat

I am honestly baffled. I am 38 and have spent the better part of the last 16 years (longer if you count weekend binging ) drinking alcoholically. I mean often drinking around the clock, sneaking sips at work to avoid withdrawal, drunkenly posting embarrassing stuff on social media all the time, going to the ER due to withdrawal, keeping wine or gin next to my bed all the time. Last time I detoxed at the beginning of December I was around a fifth a day. I mean, I was bad.

I am now over a month and a half sober. I have had about this time before but it was not at all easy. I would feel great but knew it was just a matter of time till I was drinking again. On weekends I absolutely LONGED to get wasted at brunch. I romanticized drinking constantly.

Now, it is like something just switched off inside me. Or switched on? I just don't care to drink and it is frankly, ******* weird. I am NOT at all complaining, it is an absolute blessing but I also can't help but feel like wth??? When is the other shoe going to drop? Is it truly possible that this curse just lifted??

Now, I have mentioned in the past that my husband is also an alcoholic but I have always been worse. We have been sober together in this so I am sure that has helped. But again, this is not the first time we have done this together. At the end of every weekend we comment to each other how nice said weekend has been. We get stuff done, remember our conversations food and movies, go for walks etc.

Anyone else have such an experience? Could it be that my body and mind just both got fed up together? Is this just a temporary bliss? One of the strange things about me is that I always am anxious about something and when I am not anxious, while it is pleasant, I almost feel like something is missing. I guess this just feels to good to be true.

I NEVER want to go back to where I was before.

I am grateful, confused and cautiously optimistic.

kevlarsjal2

I have personally never heard of someone just outgrowing their alcoholism. The closest to that would've been people who drank heavily when they partied in their teens and university times and then outgrew that lifestyle and didn't miss the drink. But in those cases it wasn't really all that much about the drink before that anyway.

To me it sounds like you might experience a bit of a pink cloud phase that I personally didn't have when I quit but I think it's somewhat common. My best advise would be to enjoy the times right now, gather some peace and strength and come up with a plan for what you're gonna do once those drinking thoughts or cravings sneak back in

least

I wouldn't say I've 'outgrown' my alcoholism, more like I just moved on to a state of mind where alcohol no longer interests me.

babycat

Yeah, definitely agree with the friends "growing out of it" after the usual party phase and age. I remember feeling kind of left behind. When we would meet up in our late 20s it would be like "oh wait, you guys aren't going to get blackout drunk too? 2 beers? Really? How boring." It was more just about party culture than actual alcoholism.
Perhaps it is the pink cloud that I have heard about for years. I remember my sponsor, years ago, remarking "oh she has go that pink cloud!" And I just thought to myself "no, just not drinking and feeling good. But, I don't think this is pink cloud territory."
You could be right!

FreeOwl

The trouble with entertaining this notion of 'outgrowing' it, even if it's simply a question you're carrying around in your mind.... is that it might represent the open door of a relapse in the making.

Our own alcoholic voices are incredibly tricky, deceptive, manipulative.

One thing I've observed in my own journey is that I once had a period where I was 'just done'..... and it felt totally doable and totally not a big deal.... and I wound up going back at it for another ten years, ultimately.

In hindsight, I think there was a combination of A) A deep desire to not really admit it was a problem to begin with and B) A subtle knowing of the work and commitment sobriety would take..... and so, it became a lot easier for my mind to trick me; Ahhh... you're all good!! See!! You're not drinking and you're not doing stepwork or rehab or any of it... so you don't REALLY have a problem.

That kind of thinking always seemed to lead back to alcohol for me.

Anna

If you are an alcoholic, you won't outgrow it. You can recover, which is not the same thing.

A month and a half of sobriety is great, but it's still early days. You have 16 years of drinking alcoholically, so I would expect, it will take you some time to recover. I think it's important to remember that stopping drinking is just the beginning. Most of us here have to make lifestyle changes to support our recovery. Often, we have numbed our emotions over the years with alcohol and we need to learn to live with our feelings.

I'm glad things are going well for you.

babycat

Yes. One of the things that seems suspicious to me is the fact that I have had to put in next to no work for this. I really don't think that is how it works.
It has to be easier too since I am doing next to no socializing at the moment. I have almost nothing to tempt me.

D122y

I am all about the science of addiction with a foundation of higher power oversight.

Booze causes irreversible brain damage. I will crave for life.

My brain will always crave the buzz. It will always crave the euphoria associated with my doc.

The addiction will tell me anything to get me to drink again. This will go on until I die.

I didn't grow out of being a drunk. I had a personal near catastrophic series of events that scared the living daylights out of me. Then I quit for a while. Then the insanity and brain damage shown through.

Then I found SR. This place saved my life.

Trying to save a someone makes me happy (e.g. gets me high). So does exercise, food, drawing, singing, dancing, petting my doggy, hugging my wife etc etc etc.

Knowing is half the battle.

Love love love.

Thanks for the therapy.

babycat

I am SO experiencing emotions, thoughts and feelings that I have never felt before. It is actually sometimes a bit frightening. I am actually seeing how much of my life I have wasted being in this altered state for so very long. Strange, uncomfortable and unexpected feelings. It should not come as a surprise but it was indeed for me.
I need to find a new therapist. Love mine but she did little with addiction and I think I need to talk to someone who can help me navigate these thoughts.

Aellyce

I'm about two months sober myself and have been feeling good for the most part, especially mentally. Nothing exaggerated like the pink cloud some describe but more stable, positive and motivated than I have been for any similar stretch of time in the past 10 or so years. There is not a single thing in my sobriety now that I would not describe as highly beneficial and can handle the occasional, transient irritability and lower moods quite well so far. But I'm aware of the potential traps in becoming overconfident or even just a desire to be over the alcoholic past and potentially fooling ourselves all challenges are truly over. From all I know and have seen from others with good recovery, it does not appear to go that fast and without further challenges. Drinking urges can also return sometimes after a while seemingly being free from them, and it is good to be prepared.

My main concern during the last several years while drinking, and for a while after stopping, was the frequent and super intense cravings for alcohol I experienced. I was prepared it would last and torture me for a looong time, and have been the most pleasantly surprised that my urges have subsided way faster than I thought, both in frequency and intensity. I think this is due to using the tools I picked up in the first month from my recovery program, and guess just my brain healing as well. Yet, I do not believe I'm anywhere near outgrowing, and have never seen reliable evidence that anyone has completely outgrown a serious past addiction in a way that they can start to safely moderate or something. I do believe we can recover from it and can move on completely but, as Anna said, that's different and probably takes a bit more.

I absolutely think that your ability to focus on positive perspectives and activities is a blessing and something to cherish and keep up if you can. Just remain vigilant at the same time, as many would say. All the best!

Robbie64

I don't think anyone can outgrow alcoholism. Maybe you've reached the point where you've had enough of alcohol and all the negative things it brings to your life?

As mentioned above, some people can drink heavily in their late teens and early 20s and can then just stop. I have a friend who did that. Like me he was a party animal until he met the woman who later became his wife when he was in his early 20s and then just simply settled down and all but stopped drinking. I do wonder what would have happened had he continued to drink for much longer as his father was an alcoholic and drank himself to death. Maybe he just stopped in time.

Steely

I don't think we "outgrow" it babycat. I think we can put it into remission with abstinence.

I agree with FreeOwl that the use of the phrase "grow out of it" opens the door for 'cure', and possible relapse. For me there is none, outside of abstinence.

Could be the "honeymoon period" as well. Funny phrase that. And after which comes the process of "growing up", not "growing out". This has been my experience at anyrate.

Congratulation on your 8 weeks babycat. Please don't forget this is all about YOU. We all have our own timelines so if your husband feels the call of the wild 😜 don't get sucked in. Remind him gently that you want sobriety above all else. We have to give it this status babycat because NOTHING will work if we continue to drink. My experience only. And from perusing your drinking patterns it will be for you too.

You're doing great babycat. Keep going, it only get better with the "growing up".

aasharon90

There are alcohol beverages that I liked and some I
didn't. So, I avoided those I didn't like and continued
on with the ones i did like. However, as much as I liked
the taste of it, alcohol didn't like me.

It cause me so much trouble every time I drank
it till someone had to step in to get me help and
off that merry go round of insanity that goes with
addiction.

Once I learned about alcohol, alcohol dependency,
alcohol addiction, it's affects on my heart, mind and
soul as well as those around me, then it began to
make sense to me.

Some 30 yrs sober and yes, i do remember the taste
of every alcohol beverage I ever had. Why, because
I liked the taste of it. Esp. if it was sweet and one cant
taste the alcohol in it, but you know it is there.

Then, it catches up with me and here I go again
stuck in another drunken hazy spinning merry go
round that I cant get off of.

Then, i play my tapes of how I drank and drove,
stayed out late, running off the road hitting a concrete
culvert sitting on top the ground landing me in the
hospital for 10 days with internal damage.

Turn around 3 months later after vowing i would not
drink again, then to say that i can handle it and this time
i wanted to end my miserable life as a failure of a wife and
mom.

Yep, i was sick.

Ive been educated about addiction and I know that
without a doubt that after 30 yrs of living a sober life,
that if i ever take a drink, there wont be any guarantees
that I will be alive tomorrow.

One drink was never enough and all the alcohol in
this world will never satisfy my cravings and desires
for it.

The only way for me to remain sober is to not pick up
the first drink, to incorporate important and effective tools
and knowledge of a recovery program taught to me on a
continuous bases and stay connected to my recovery lifelines.

Zencat

'Aging out' or 'Maturing out' can happen with some drinkers, however it is far from the norm.

A good friend of mine, alcoholic for decades, just up and quit one day to never look back again. His program was "I'm done with it" kept him sober & happy for many years until his death.

Hawkeye13

I think it is great you are doing so well, but 1.5 months of sobriety a little early to assume the problem is solved. It's the first steps up the mountain. It seems you know that already, however.

I also had an initial "good quit" for over a year with no desire to drink, felt good and productive and rebuilt quite a bit of my life. But because of the "ease" I had stopping, I started to think I really didn't have as much of a problem as I thought, that I could moderate, etc. etc. and you can imagine what happened next. Relapse, quit, relapse quite, and so on. People who have drunk as long and hard as we have can never drink "normally" again is my hard-learned lesson.

The good news is that sobriety will soon feel like a new "norm" and the thought of drinking will make you feel uncomfortable and anxious. We humans are adaptable creatures. It's great you are enjoying sober life with husband. Mine just quit two weeks ago, and it's almost like meeting him all over again from years ago. We talk and have fun instead of drunken talk.

Keep going! You are making it work

Dee74

I think labelling it ‘outgrowing’ Is misleading.

What I think you’re referring to is no longer having an urge to drink?
That happens.

I was sick and tired of drinking and terrified I might die - that concentrates the mind pretty well.

I quit in 07 and have been sober since.

I’d be careful of thinking you’ll never want to drink again tho.

Fear fades, life hits us with stuff, we wonder if we’ve learned control now and maybe one drink will be ok...

I’m not trying to be a downer.

I really hope that you have had your last craving & you can build a life you love now where alcohol has no place...but I think you’d be wise to at least be ready for the possibility that this spontaneous state of grace may not last?

D

FreeOwl

My experience is that's definitely not how it works....

Here, let me refer back to another of your quotes: I could easily have written that, all of it.....

And in my experience, when I didn't do the work, it all went swimmingly.

For a while.

Then it got worse.

SO - my suggestion if you're seeking suggestions is to actively work on sobriety. Not 'just not drinking'.

There are lots of ways to do the work. There are the steps of AA which represent a great starting point. There are books, journaling, therapy, getting a sponsor, joining group therapy, all kinds of ways.

But - if you're like me (and so far it looks like you are) or like the hundreds of others I've met and grown to know during my 7+ years of sobriety & my decade-plus journey of attempts and learning and growth in recovery.... and my three decades of boozing it up..... well, then I'd be fairly confident in predicting where you're likely to wind up if you don't do the work.

The difference between a "high bottom alcoholic" and a "rock bottom" or "dead" alcoholic is a shockingly-thin shade of grey.

Don't let it slide.

ScottFromWI

Another way to frame it: Maybe this is indeed your addiction trying to get it's claws back in you in a roundabout way. Think about it - if it's OK to let down your guard, the next step is that it would be OK to have "just a couple" - after all, if you aren't an alcoholic anymore it's not a problem right? Tongue in cheek of course, but if you are honest with yourself think of what you are suggesting - that a problem you've had for 16 years would just magically stop? If something seems to good to be true it usually is ;-)

babycat

Thanks for the words everyone. To be clear, I am in no way under the impression that I am no longer an alcoholic. You don't go from 16 years of drinking alcoholically to a brand new baby. If I were to drink today, even if not in the mood, I would not even try to moderate. I would get drunk because I get zero pleasure from a barely there buzz. More annoying than anything and it is akin to bestowing oneself with a terrible itch that needs to be scratched. Like I said, "outgrew" was for lack of a better word. I will, unfortunately be an alkie for life.

Lots of good stuff from all of you tho!! Plenty for me to think about. I think number one is that I do need to start putting in the work even if right now it does not feel like it.

And yes, if something seems to good to be true it absolutely more than likely is. I'd be lying if I said I am not enjoying this feeling tho and it is unfamiliar. I also do not take it for granted and I also will not be living in basic quarantine forever either.

fini

no, i have not outgrown my alcoholism, or left it behind or any such thing, nor am i “cured”.
i have, however, had an easy time not drinking, once i had my “moment of clarity”, my “turnaround”, my “surrender”, whatever i might call it. i was, indeed, done. and that done-ness has stayed with me.
life itself has thrown whatever it throws, and i have had to change, and wanted to change, and some of those changes have been and are tough.
and i had those knee-jerk reactions of wanting/needing a drink or six, but i don’t consider them a real desire.
and i have done “work”, and since i do things like participate here daily, i couldn’t tell you if it is or has been a necessary thing for me to do in order to stay sober.
i do know that in my gazillion tries to get sober, i regularly returned to drinking until i connected with others and later took certain steps that helped me address past damages, both those done to me and those i did to others, as well as giving me a different way to be in my living.
so yeah, it’s possible.
“number one is that I do need to start putting in the work even if right now it does not feel like it. “
that would definitely be my suggestion.