Runningblind

Went on a 4 day vodka bender and damaged several relationships including making me single. Spent money like I was in congress. Generally made an ass out of myself to everyone that was close to my orbit. My relationship was on the rocks for a year because I would promise long stretches of time I am sober and would take Antabuse. This would work for 40 day stretches here and there, but in the end I would always say I am just going to have a beer or two and be done. I would always tell myself that would be it and I would go home. Well, I never once after the 1000 of times of convincing myself that it would be okay to start drinking after a long stretch of sobriety said, "Oh, I'm glad I drank yesterday." It always ended in torment because I would just continue drinking after waking up from the horrible hangover. It was anyone's best guess when I would stop. It could be 3 days 2 days or 7.

So I woke up from this bender and had to go through the doldrums again. The mental anxiety, the sweating, the shaky/nervous feeling, the stomach ache then in the clear. I'm on day 3 now and I have to say I feel so guilty about betraying the trust in someone I loved. I also know that the amounts I am drinking when I do drink are so high it is disgusting. So I know if I don't stop and on a long enough timeline, there is only death or jail. It is so simple if I could just convince myself that my next drink could be my last and that I never under any circumstances should have that one drink even if 5 years down the road. Yet, if it were so simple, none of us would be here, right?

I read all your stories and it gives me hope. So thank you all for taking time to write those. I wanted to write a bit about what I am going through because it definitely helps to know that there are other people out there struggling too.

Mizz

Welcome! It is really a blessing you have posted here.

Getting support is essential on this road. I am sorry for these troubles you are experiencing with drinking. I too have had relationships go south while under the influence. You have the power to stop and to go on to live a productive healthy life. You may find with enough sober time that you are able to mend those broken relationships. Day 3 is amazing! Please keep posting and keep reading. You are not alone.

Obladi

Hey Runningblind, I'm glad you came back. That's quite the hell you've been living in, eh? I know that place well. Not so much the withdrawals (though those are gawdawful horrible), but that place where you (I) keep trying and trying to get control of this thing - because why couldn't we? It's not rocket science - all we have to do is remember to take it easy and not overdo it. If it were only that simple.

I guess you could convince yourself that your last drink was the last.
That could work.

Stick around. It gets so much better, I promise.

O

tomls

I remember that dark place as if it were last week or something. All I have to do is think about it for a few seconds and I know that I never want to go back there. Please hang around this place. It has helped me to get where I am at.

TheAten

You’re not on your own, Runningblind, and although small consolation, you’re not first and you certainly won’t be the last to make mistakes when drinking and/or drunk. They’re horrible, and I know how you must be feeling right now. Instead of beating yourself up, take those negative feelings and channel them into something beautiful - becoming and staying sober. That will be the greatest gift you can give to yourself and anybody that you love. Please keep posting and reading; it is saving my life at the moment, and I believe it does everyone who has problems with alcohol the world of good to share experiences and receive support.

24hrsAday

The Whiskey was my Best Friend for a while.. too bad it was trying to kill me.

Zebra1275

Welcome, back.

So what's your recovery plan?

You have been a member of this website since are 2017, and you only have 5 posts. That's just over once per year.

It's tough getting sober by yourself. Have you tried AA?

Steely

Hi RB.

I picked up again after 5 years and everything turned pear shaped again. Even at 5 years the thought still lurked that I would 'one day' be able to take a drink. I could not, and that day never came.

I am so very grateful that I now possess the insight to KNOW I can never drink again. And it's better than I thought. Much better.

Relationships have been mended RB, but for this to happen I had to show in my actions that I am no longer drinking. Giving it a red hot go.

People were actually impressed, which made me feel very good about myself.

Impress them RB. But impress yourself even more.

Ladysadie

Dear Running - I can relate. No alcohol = no insanity. No alcohol = no penalties (such as DUI's or bad personal outcomes or cultural penalties). Easy peasy. Need more verification ? Many resources here and with your county/state for your privacy. Don't think you are all alone. Many of us have been in your shoes. Let us know how we can be there for you.

Dee74

Welcome back Runningblind

Like others have mentioned, what's your plan now - how will you stay sober?

D

Hevyn

It's great to have you with us, Runningblind. It took me a long time to finally admit I could never, ever touch the stuff. You're among friends who care.

brighterday1234

There is a solution and ultimately it’s a one day at a time deal in my experience. That’s all we have anyway. The sober life is possible and is a wonderful life. It takes honesty, open-mindedness and willingness to recover.