freedomfries

It was a pretty bad relapse. I was drinking a lot for five days and abusing Ativan. I got arrested on the fifth day and haven't drank since.

I think I'm going to start taking Antabuse again. I had my longest dry spell with it.

Aellyce

Hi freedomfries, I'm glad to hear you are back on track with sobriety and want to be proactive to protect it. Have you discussed your addiction and Ativan prescription with a doctor though, or are you planning to? Some things certainly appear off in how your recovery and other conditions were managed in the past and I believe it would be very important for any medical team to be aware of the whole picture. Not sure what methods you used to help stay sober, I also imagine it would be helpful to add more to your addiction recovery regime than just Antabuse (as you know, you can stop it and relapse, and you would not take it forever) and posting here. In any case, very good to hear it didn't turn into a longer-term relapse, but being arrested in quite scary and all sorts of *** can happen again if you don't make serious steps to change how you manage a variety of factors. I wish you all the best.

Be123

Hi FF. Well done on your sober time previously and I am glad you are ok after this relapse.

I decided not to comment on your posts previously and I will go back to that after this message, because I think I was in danger of just repeating myself. Having read your posts carefully for quite a period I think you really should re-consider going to inpatient rehab. I don't know if you keep a diary or journal, but over the past 12 months things have not gone well for you. If you do keep a journal maybe looking back through those 12 months may help you to realise just how dangerous some of your behaviour has been. Frankly, you are lucky to be alive. I do not think your luck will hold out forever. You will also have a head start tackling mental health issues if you are in a safe, secure and protective environment.

I wish you all the best. I really hope you do consider taking the next step and going to inpatient rehab. I hope it for your own safety and well being.

Hawkeye13

The Anabuse is a tool on the recovery journey, not a one-stop solution.
I agree you need to be honest with your medical team, and seriously consider getting into a long-term residential program to help you build a long-term recovery that allows you to address deep-seated emotional issues and gives you support in developing a sober lifestyle and healthy habits in dealing with difficult feelings.

Yes, it will be uncomfortable and disruptive to your immediate future, but frankly it could save your life. These over-the top epic relapses are far more disruptive and dangerous to not only you, but your family and your relationship to them.

FF, you are a smart and sensitive person who deserves far more from life than these self-destructive spirals. Please look at the big picture and where you will be in one year, or five years, if you don’t throw everything you have at recovery.

Dee74

I can’t add anything but to implore you to take heed of the excellent advice above FF.
Get all your medicos talking to each other. That means giving all of them the whole story.

You need to put saving your life over things like college etc right now.
You have a serious life impacting problem that’s going to take some serious life impacting solutions.

D

Obladi

I'm steadfast in my conviction that inpatient rehab is the best course for you, FF. I worry about your repeated and various self-harming behaviors. And frankly, I worry that you continue to come here to share these stories of self-sabotage. Not that you shouldn't, of course. We are here to listen and support, always.

But I think you know that you can't help yourself right now. Like literally, you are unable to stop the cycle of hurting yourself (and then telling us about it after the fact). The only way I can think of to arrest that behavior is to do inpatient rehab. It's going to take a lot of sacrifice and and effort on your part, but look at how much work you've put into surviving all of these events. I know you can do it, FF. Don't ask me why I know, I just do.

It's time to come clean with the people in your real life that care about you and tell them you need to go to rehab. I hated hated hated having to do that, but I can tell you that it was a HUGE relief when I finally admitted I needed help.

O

RAL

As Hawkeye said, Antabuse is a part of a recovery programme. I don't think it's meant to be used as the only tool. It doesn't work on its own long term. In any event, I know for me I need to look at myself and work on myself. No drug can cure me from drinking.

Mizz

Freedom....
I really feel for you and your family. Especially your parents. How gracious of them to allow you to continue living at their home given the severity of these scenarios. There will come a point when these situations will not be something they will allow any longer. For their sake I hope they are educating themselves and creating boundaries.

Your medical team seems divided. With that divide it is easy to acquire certain drugs depending on what story is told. I will go as far to say that you have not been honest with your doctors about your addiction. I don't know of any physician who would prescribe Ativan to a person who has substance abuse issues.

I wish you long term health mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. The suggestion of inpatient rehab is 1000% a good one.

God Speed, FreedomFries!

advbike

Dude, I was so worried about you. Thank God you are still alive. Whatever works best at this point, just make sure all your docs know what you're on, and what the side effects were. You have to be honest with them. I also think maybe a safe environment such as inpatient rehab would be best, until you can re-embrace sobriety - mentally, emotionally and physically.

freedomfries

Thanks for all your replies. I'll consider everything that was written. Though I'm not sure inpatient rehab is for me. I had a pretty bad experience at my last inpatient rehab.

But I will definitely try to add more tools to my recovery toolbox than just Antabuse.

Delilah1

Hi FF,

I am glad you are back and posting, I am sorry that you drank, and like everyone else I am worried about you. I really think you inpatient would be your best bet, they can help figure out all of the meds and what you should and shouldn’t be taking, and work with your doctors to make sure you are taking the correct doses of prescription medications.

I’m worried about you, I know you want to be sober, and I know you can do this, I hope you give yourself your best chance and I really think that is inpatient.

❤️Delilah

Steely

Welcome back FF.

You will have learned from this experience, just as we all have with relapse.

Sobriety is the only way for us to go FF.

You know that.

2muchpain

I've been to several in-patient rehabs and each one was different from the others. They all had certain things in common, but my experiences in each one was very different, depending on the staff and other patients. Plus the routine was a little different with each one. Some I was happy to leave. Others were so good, I wanted to stay longer. I wouldn't oppose the idea of rehab because of a bad experience you had in one. John

FreeOwl

In my experience of recovery from alcohol.... I discovered that every single time I was "not sure ____________ is for me" - that was exactly what I needed.

I'm glad you're alive.

I'm glad you're not in prison for killing someone else.

I'm glad you're back here......

But for cryin' out loud; get SERIOUS.

Never mind the doom and gloom side, you know enough about that.... what about the BEAUTY side. You are missing out, my friend.

EMBRACE SOBRIETY NOW.... and jump into an inpatient rehab asap.

Robbie64

I'm glad that you have stopped drinking again FF. I was worried that your relapse was not going to end well.

I agree with the posters who have suggested in-patient rehab. Antabuse has its uses but it's not intended to be the only method of staying sober. It's a tool to help you achieve that but the usual medical advice for when taking antabuse is that it should be used alongside counselling. Here in the UK it's not prescribed as much as it used to be as most people don't seek counselling so it is seen as largely being ineffective because of this.

I would suggest you speak to your Doctor and come clean about your use / abuse of ativan / lorazepam. You are putting your life in danger by taking it when drinking.

Good luck FF. I hope you can stay sober.

Obladi

FF, you already have the tools; at least you know where they are. Based on your history here, I'd say you don't have a clue about how to use them effectively. I didn't either. It's not your fault - you are just not capable of getting out of this one by continuing to tinker with your status quo. Just to qualify, let me say that I am most definitely not the pot calling the kettle black - I've been right there in the stew with you. And, my young friend, I stayed there for over 30 years. Can you imagine? That's longer than you've been alive.

I had bad experiences in rehab, too. And in therapy. And with certain medications. And with AA and IOP and SR. etc and so on...I drank on antabuse. It was foolhardy and holy crap it was awful. Antabuse was a good prophylactic to my drinking - until it wasn't. I was a broken person, FF. I think you know what that's like - to feel so hopeless and live life in a cloud of f*its. No, not a cloud - it's like the air I breathed. It wasn't because I didn't care enough; it was because I felt so irretrievably shattered that I didn't know anything different from being hurt over and over again.

Someone suggested something along the lines of "play the tape forward" the other day. I hate that saying. I played the tape forward over and over again and I always knew how it ended and I didn't care. But that same person clarified the question by saying, "What's the worst thing that could happen if you continue down this path?" So I thought about that and realized that my worst fear wasn't the common fear of losing something or of dying - it was continuing to live in that hell for another few decades. Imagine that. Really. It could happen. You don't deserve that. No one does.

Rehab didn't cure me. I had to do that work. But I simply could not do that work until I got in a place where I relinquished access to substances and forced myself to really face the demons that pre-dated my alcohol abuse by a long shot. I believe we are alike in this way even if we are different in every other way.

I'm really hoping someone or something will get through to you so that you will be willing to do whatever it takes to get well, FF.

O

sortofhomecomin

You have not been posting much FF, are you ok?

Reid82

FF, if you continue to drink and abuse drugs, things will get even worse for you, believe you me.

I do think you need to look at all options now as what you have done in the past hasn't worked long term for you. There are only some many
chances we get, that's the grim reality of addiction.

Steely

Don't give up on rehab Freedom.

Just as some AA meetings were not for me, others were. It depends on the group, the people who comprise the meeting. I don't go to AA anymore, but the 'good' meetings helped me a lot.

It's the same for rehab.