Alcoholic and verbally abusive.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 11
Alcoholic and verbally abusive.
HI, I'm new to this group and I'm hoping some of you can shed some light on the behaviour of a problematic drinker or functioning alcoholic?
I've been in a relationship for a few months with a man I've fallen head over heels for. We are both in our 40's. I like a drink but I feel he drinks excessively and is very often drunk. After work he will probably drink 8-10 cans of strong lager and then get up and function the next day. On a weekend he will be on lager, whiskey, port whatever. He has let me down a couple of times when I've supposed to have seen him because I believe he's been too hungover.
He blows hot and cold and I've noticed he gets defensive and aggressive in voicenotes and texts when I'm not with him when he's had a drink. I can hear his speech is slurred. He finished work on Tues afternoon and was off the rest of the week. We made plans for Wednesday, but he stayed up all of Tuesday evening on the phone to his friend who drinks excessively and basically went on a bender and didn't go to bed. He then told me not to come, ended it, laid into me, called me names, verbally abused me, called me weak and needy and was basically vile.
a few hours later I get an apology. 'I don't deserve you, you're amazing, I'm sorry, I'm a mess) etc. He then is clearly up all day drinking. He tells me I deserve better.
Yesterday morning I received some texts saying he was sorry and he'd been a 'knob'. He asked for my forgiveness.
I've forgiven him because I have really fell for him. I'm a compassionate person and when its good its good.
He's told me a bit about his life, abusive Father etc, raised his sisters on his own. He has quite a bit of anger inside of him and I've seen that in person but I know he wouldn't lay a finger on a woman. His ex's have all physically attacked him. I don't condone violence of any sort but I'm wondering why.
I feel so on edge. I believe he is sorry but will this be a pattern? Let downs? Verbal abuse? Do people mean what they say when they're drunk or black out drunk?
I've been in a relationship for a few months with a man I've fallen head over heels for. We are both in our 40's. I like a drink but I feel he drinks excessively and is very often drunk. After work he will probably drink 8-10 cans of strong lager and then get up and function the next day. On a weekend he will be on lager, whiskey, port whatever. He has let me down a couple of times when I've supposed to have seen him because I believe he's been too hungover.
He blows hot and cold and I've noticed he gets defensive and aggressive in voicenotes and texts when I'm not with him when he's had a drink. I can hear his speech is slurred. He finished work on Tues afternoon and was off the rest of the week. We made plans for Wednesday, but he stayed up all of Tuesday evening on the phone to his friend who drinks excessively and basically went on a bender and didn't go to bed. He then told me not to come, ended it, laid into me, called me names, verbally abused me, called me weak and needy and was basically vile.
a few hours later I get an apology. 'I don't deserve you, you're amazing, I'm sorry, I'm a mess) etc. He then is clearly up all day drinking. He tells me I deserve better.
Yesterday morning I received some texts saying he was sorry and he'd been a 'knob'. He asked for my forgiveness.
I've forgiven him because I have really fell for him. I'm a compassionate person and when its good its good.
He's told me a bit about his life, abusive Father etc, raised his sisters on his own. He has quite a bit of anger inside of him and I've seen that in person but I know he wouldn't lay a finger on a woman. His ex's have all physically attacked him. I don't condone violence of any sort but I'm wondering why.
I feel so on edge. I believe he is sorry but will this be a pattern? Let downs? Verbal abuse? Do people mean what they say when they're drunk or black out drunk?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
I don't know anything about this chap but can tell you about myself.
I was with my wife 20 years and genuinely loved her with all my heart. But I was also addicted to alcohol. Which meant a lot of the behaviors you describe I was also doing. It had nothing to do with my feelings or commitment to her, I was ill and the illness affected my ability to be a good husband, a good person. It also inhibited my ability to make good choices, to prioritise effectively (getting drunk came first) and my ability to be worthy of her.
It wasn't that I didn't want to. I couldn't. I was ill.
In the end she walked out on me. It was all she could do to protect herself. I don't blame her at all, she should have done it years ago. Her walking out also shocked me into sobriety. We were codependent and my addiction to her and my addiction to alcohol were inter twined.
I won't give advice, I'll just tell you how it was for me.
I was with my wife 20 years and genuinely loved her with all my heart. But I was also addicted to alcohol. Which meant a lot of the behaviors you describe I was also doing. It had nothing to do with my feelings or commitment to her, I was ill and the illness affected my ability to be a good husband, a good person. It also inhibited my ability to make good choices, to prioritise effectively (getting drunk came first) and my ability to be worthy of her.
It wasn't that I didn't want to. I couldn't. I was ill.
In the end she walked out on me. It was all she could do to protect herself. I don't blame her at all, she should have done it years ago. Her walking out also shocked me into sobriety. We were codependent and my addiction to her and my addiction to alcohol were inter twined.
I won't give advice, I'll just tell you how it was for me.
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
Unless he wants to quit drinking he will continue. His bad behavior, the verbal abuse, the letdowns will likely continue as long as he is drinking. How do you know his ex’s attacked him? Did they contact you or he told you? He sounds like a narcissist to me which is equally as scary and combined with the alcohol abuse is a recipe for disaster. I would run now if I were you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 73
This is just my belief/experience so take from it what you will. I was a "functioning alcoholic" until I wasnt. I can tell you until he gets help with the past he most likely will not change. He seems to have a lot of anger that's not being processed correctly and that can not happen while drinking. My history was similar and so is lots of others.
He needs to find a way of dealing with past hurts. I can say this because I had to get help with it. Therapy and AA was my route but everyone is different. The kicker to this entire getting sober deal is he has to have a desire to get better. He has to make that choice. It's NOT your responsibility to do it for him and you definitely DONT deserve to be treated like a third wheel to booze.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
He needs to find a way of dealing with past hurts. I can say this because I had to get help with it. Therapy and AA was my route but everyone is different. The kicker to this entire getting sober deal is he has to have a desire to get better. He has to make that choice. It's NOT your responsibility to do it for him and you definitely DONT deserve to be treated like a third wheel to booze.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by gypsytears 
Unless he wants to quit drinking he will continue. His bad behavior, the verbal abuse, the letdowns will likely continue as long as he is drinking. How do you know his ex’s attacked him? Did they contact you or he told you? He sounds like a narcissist to me which is equally as scary and combined with the alcohol abuse is a recipe for disaster. I would run now if I were you.
He told me his ex's attacked him and were nuts but it has made me wonder why they did? I haven't got an aggressive bone in me.
The feeling that my gut is churning won't go away.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,601
He will never change. Unless he wants to stop drinking he won't stop drinking.
run for the hills. Why stay in a relationship with a man who abuses you. Looking at your own self worth and why you deserve so much better than this.
It's a classic trait of some men (and women) who appear so perfect and we fall madly in love with them. But they have a dark, detsructive, abusive side. But we ignore it as the other side is so perfect and we fall madly in love. It's not real though. Beware the narcissistic psychopath. He will show you the world and you'll fall head over heels but you will be paying the price for a long time afterwards.
run for the hills. Why stay in a relationship with a man who abuses you. Looking at your own self worth and why you deserve so much better than this.
It's a classic trait of some men (and women) who appear so perfect and we fall madly in love with them. But they have a dark, detsructive, abusive side. But we ignore it as the other side is so perfect and we fall madly in love. It's not real though. Beware the narcissistic psychopath. He will show you the world and you'll fall head over heels but you will be paying the price for a long time afterwards.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 533
Originally Posted by Allabouteve
HI, I'm new to this group and I'm hoping some of you can shed some light on the behaviour of a problematic drinker or functioning alcoholic?
I've been in a relationship for a few months with a man I've fallen head over heels for. We are both in our 40's. I like a drink but I feel he drinks excessively and is very often drunk. After work he will probably drink 8-10 cans of strong lager and then get up and function the next day. On a weekend he will be on lager, whiskey, port whatever. He has let me down a couple of times when I've supposed to have seen him because I believe he's been too hungover.
He blows hot and cold and I've noticed he gets defensive and aggressive in voicenotes and texts when I'm not with him when he's had a drink. I can hear his speech is slurred. He finished work on Tues afternoon and was off the rest of the week. We made plans for Wednesday, but he stayed up all of Tuesday evening on the phone to his friend who drinks excessively and basically went on a bender and didn't go to bed. He then told me not to come, ended it, laid into me, called me names, verbally abused me, called me weak and needy and was basically vile.
a few hours later I get an apology. 'I don't deserve you, you're amazing, I'm sorry, I'm a mess) etc. He then is clearly up all day drinking. He tells me I deserve better.
Yesterday morning I received some texts saying he was sorry and he'd been a 'knob'. He asked for my forgiveness.
I've forgiven him because I have really fell for him. I'm a compassionate person and when its good its good.
He's told me a bit about his life, abusive Father etc, raised his sisters on his own. He has quite a bit of anger inside of him and I've seen that in person but I know he wouldn't lay a finger on a woman. His ex's have all physically attacked him. I don't condone violence of any sort but I'm wondering why.
I feel so on edge. I believe he is sorry but will this be a pattern? Let downs? Verbal abuse? Do people mean what they say when they're drunk or black out drunk?
I've been in a relationship for a few months with a man I've fallen head over heels for. We are both in our 40's. I like a drink but I feel he drinks excessively and is very often drunk. After work he will probably drink 8-10 cans of strong lager and then get up and function the next day. On a weekend he will be on lager, whiskey, port whatever. He has let me down a couple of times when I've supposed to have seen him because I believe he's been too hungover.
He blows hot and cold and I've noticed he gets defensive and aggressive in voicenotes and texts when I'm not with him when he's had a drink. I can hear his speech is slurred. He finished work on Tues afternoon and was off the rest of the week. We made plans for Wednesday, but he stayed up all of Tuesday evening on the phone to his friend who drinks excessively and basically went on a bender and didn't go to bed. He then told me not to come, ended it, laid into me, called me names, verbally abused me, called me weak and needy and was basically vile.
a few hours later I get an apology. 'I don't deserve you, you're amazing, I'm sorry, I'm a mess) etc. He then is clearly up all day drinking. He tells me I deserve better.
Yesterday morning I received some texts saying he was sorry and he'd been a 'knob'. He asked for my forgiveness.
I've forgiven him because I have really fell for him. I'm a compassionate person and when its good its good.
He's told me a bit about his life, abusive Father etc, raised his sisters on his own. He has quite a bit of anger inside of him and I've seen that in person but I know he wouldn't lay a finger on a woman. His ex's have all physically attacked him. I don't condone violence of any sort but I'm wondering why.
I feel so on edge. I believe he is sorry but will this be a pattern? Let downs? Verbal abuse? Do people mean what they say when they're drunk or black out drunk?
I'm not feeling so great myself, so perhaps I shouldn't be replying, but when I drink I believe I do the the crazy inappropriate crap as a release. All the tension and aggravation I've tried to work through , the frustration built up from just "not getting it" erc.
I refuse to be in another relationship because my ex had his own issues and we both needed to focus on ourselves.
Hes not lying when he says your amazing. The vicious garbage is him venting his anger, hurt and frustration. hHs past may very well be causing him pain.
My abandonment caused me great distress and fear.
He needs to step back and work on himself.
It will be a pattern until he cares enough about himself or ready to do things differently.
Focus on you and let him focus on himself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
You do deserve better. An active alcoholic is not good relationship material. I was a mean drunk like him and so was my mother. Being sorry isn’t a pass for abusing another person for any reason. It’s especially soul-destroying to get hit unfairly with toxic verbal sludge from an intimate partner or family member.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 508
I would definitely leave this relationship as soon as you can. I was verbally abused by my father growing up and haven't spoken to him in over a decade and I'm in my late 40s. Even as a grown adult, his nasty words just the few times I'd interact with him were too much. I have a daughter with Borderline Personality Disorder and she can be verbally abusive and harass me to where I have to hide in the bathroom. When she was younger, I was trapped. She's 17 now. She moved out for a couple months and when she moved back I forgot how she could be and didn't have proper plans and boundaries set up. Two days ago she attacked me. Said I was crazy and my chronic illness of Lyme from the past 5 years was made up. She called me stupid and gullible and even after I hid in the bathroom she kept texting me. Two days later I have PTSD like reactions and am struggling to recover. WORDS HURT. You start to believe what is being said to you when said to you enough. I hope this helps you to find the strength you require to leave this person asap.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
When somebody shows you who they are believe them the first time - Maya Angelou
Unless this person gets sober and works on themselves, I do not see how this abusive behavior is going to change. We all hold a light and a darkness in ourselves. I have my negative traits along with my positive.
When in sobriety, I am able to walk with my light and work on those things that are not so pleasant. When in active alcoholism, I am not able to control my behaviors and I can act irrationally and negative.
Taking care of yourself is of the utmost importance. No one deserves to be called names or to be verbally attacked no matter the circumstances. What will you allow in your life and what will you not allow? We get to choose what is acceptable behavior from others. If I find someone's behavior unacceptable, abusive and telling of who they are, I walk away. I don't make time for this kind of ********. Just my thoughts.
Unless this person gets sober and works on themselves, I do not see how this abusive behavior is going to change. We all hold a light and a darkness in ourselves. I have my negative traits along with my positive.
When in sobriety, I am able to walk with my light and work on those things that are not so pleasant. When in active alcoholism, I am not able to control my behaviors and I can act irrationally and negative.
Taking care of yourself is of the utmost importance. No one deserves to be called names or to be verbally attacked no matter the circumstances. What will you allow in your life and what will you not allow? We get to choose what is acceptable behavior from others. If I find someone's behavior unacceptable, abusive and telling of who they are, I walk away. I don't make time for this kind of ********. Just my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
He will always be like this if he drinks Allabouteve. It won't change because, like the rest of us, it isn't up to him when he drinks. He doesn't have control of his drunk mouth and drunk texting and calling, and he never will. Makes it a pretty easy choice I think. You can't make him quit either. You would, forever more, be blamed for all of his unhappiness, relapses, difficult sober times, depressions, anxiety, and on and on. Take him as he is right now today. Or walk away. You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 277
Like others have said - if this is his drinking persona, this it what you’re going to get, time and time and time again. How do I know? I am that person. When sober, I’m genuinely a very sweet, softly spoken, fun-loving person with empathy and compassion for the world. When I’m drunk, I’m mean, vindictive, spiteful, selfish, abusive, hurtful and down right evil. The bile that has been spat from my mouth and via my fingers through text has shocked even me, the person who said it, reading it back. I cannot relate to that person sober. I too had anger issues, worked out and worked on via work with a counsellor, and whilst that has been wonderful and has helped a lot, I will not allow myself to drink again as I know that anger is just waiting for me to drink, to feed the beast so to speak. He may genuinely be an amazing person, but he won’t shine through whilst he’s drinking. If he thinks he can get away with it, he will get worse. It’s also very manipulative telling you he doesn’t deserve you and telling how hard done by he has been. One thing I’ve never done is blamed my problems on somebody else; that’s not a good sign. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but others have said, many of us have been that person, and whilst in active alcoholism, that simply won’t change.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
Head for the hills Eve.
This is not going to auger well imho.
His ex's attacked HIM? He sounds suss to me.
Don't think this fella's going to change anytime soon. Did you say "vile"?
Sorry Eve. You sound like a really good person, often the choice of the narcissist. Screw that.
This is not going to auger well imho.
His ex's attacked HIM? He sounds suss to me.
Don't think this fella's going to change anytime soon. Did you say "vile"?
Sorry Eve. You sound like a really good person, often the choice of the narcissist. Screw that.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
Run away from him as fast as you can. He will not change unless he wants to change, and it doesn't sound like he wants to change himself. 
A relationship with an alcoholic is not fun and will drain you of hope. Please get out now. He's right when he says he doesn't deserve you.
A relationship with an alcoholic is not fun and will drain you of hope. Please get out now. He's right when he says he doesn't deserve you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 2,698
I think it's important to seperate abuse from alcoholism. There are abusive people that aren't alcoholics, and alcoholics who aren't abusive. Even if he quits alcohol, it is very likely he will still be abusive. I also second the point that he claims that his ex's were physically abusive to him, yet what he has demonstrated to you is that HE is emotionally abusive. That is a HUGE red flag.....people are not wrong to tell you to run. Physical violence often follows emotional violence, and even if it doesn't emotional abuse is just as damaging, if not more so in many cases. Please take very special care of yourself and protect yourself. Your safety and well being is more important than any feelings you have for this person.
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