InTheEnd

I’m reading posts here then hopped over to my Facebook page. The liquor store that delivers is open again. They closed for remodel and are ready. Pretty sure I paid for some of that😬

So when I saw this FB post, I got a little excited and my first thought, forgetting totally I’m trying to stay sober...”YAY! I better email them and let them know what I need”🥺 I literally was just sitting here, reading posts on SR and hopped over to FB for a quick look. Not even 3 minutes after reading everyone’s battles and recovery here, I freakin forgot I don’t want to drink😢

I unfriended.

Looking forward to day 4 even more now. Stay safe and strong friends❤️

Anna

Good move InTheEnd. The AV enjoys playing tricks on your mind.

tornrealization

Hi InTheEnd, was that butterfly being trapped by the rock always your picture? I first saw that during one of my first serious attempt quits. Febbies of 2014. If it wasn’t yours that’s ok. It depicts accurately how I felt about alcohol holding me back and down. The image stayed with me even when I went back out there and disappeared from SR.

Anyways, I work sometimes in a factory that makes glass booze bottles. Oh the Irony of having to walk around that when I first quit. I would whisper to those bottles, No! And I don’t drink no more! Not for me! It was in my face about once a week. I like... don’t even notice now. I’m glad you blocked them. Every baby step needed for recovery success is worth it.

InTheEnd

Thx Anna. It sure was screaming for that brief period of time. And was still whispering in my ear and my phone rang. It was my daughter. Just to say how proud she was of me and how much she loved me. Divine intervention and shut that AV up for now❤️

A better life is out there and I want it so bad.

InTheEnd

Hi TR. I think I picked that back when I was here in 2018, but was here in 2014 too. Not sure where I found it, but it was exactly how most of us feel and totally hit home for me. My Mom also wrote a letter before she died and she mentioned wanting to come back as a butterfly to watch over us. I see it too as her helping me rise up.

How tough for you and I can’t even imagine working with “reminders” this soon. Good for you for getting passed that. I have to admit, this time quitting is a little more difficult mentally for me. I know it’s only been 3 days, but I’m having a tough time believing it’ll stick and I’ll just let it all go to **** again. I don’t know, maybe that’s a good thing? Not being so confident I can beat it easily? Make me fight harder and actually work for a new life, not the same without alcohol? Just throwing stuff out there.

I made it today, and for that, I’m grateful.

Mizz

Good for you for unfriending that page and coming back here. That is a powerful step! You are taking positive actions. They add up. Congrats on day 4. Keep moving forward.

Bekindalways

Boy oh boy, that block and unfriend option are super useful. That is a great "next right step" in the journey.

Keep at it and keep posting.

FreeOwl

Welcome to Day 4.

InTheEnd

Thx all and yay! And @FreeOwl, yes! Day 4 begins! Felt best day 2, (day one was crap being hungover). Day 3 and today, a little foggy and slight headache hangs around but not major. Wake up so tired so far everyday. Maybe I used to but was more focused on the on my pounding head. Foggy and slight headache beats the latter, for sure!

Anyway, thanks as always for being here. Another crazy day working, but it keeps my mind busy.

Have a fabulous day. Wishing you all a peaceful day. Stay safe and strong❤️

whitejay

Congratulations for both "unfriending liquor store" and on 3 days of sobriety - Keep walking forward

advbike

Way to go InTheEnd! You're being strong and really pushing through. Keep it up!

InTheEnd

Day 5 begins! I slept like a rock. Woke up early (I always have since I was a kid), but when I woke up after drinking the night before, I’d never fall back asleep. This time, 330am, I got up (my pup really had to go potty) 😂 , got back into bed without a thought of falling back asleep since I haven’t in a long time. I thought to myself “Hey girl, it’s early but you aren’t hungover, so you got that going for you”. And I took note at the time of that self talk being a little positive, instead of the usual “You suck at everything, even sleep”.

Then, magically, it was 6am! It was a miracle!

I’ve been painting and updating the interior of my house for 4 months. Started in August. Only the bottom floor so far. I guess that’s how long it took this drunk takes to do it and still have the kitchen to finish. Drinking, using power tools, and on a ladder. Great combo! Power tools went okay, thank God, but fell off the ladder once. The music was on and decided to dance while on the ladder. Didn’t go well but thankfully only bumps and bruises. I think by painting, this kept “the dream” alive that I was productive and not a mess. Looking back with a clearer head now, I’d have these fantastic ideas. I’m embarrassed to say, it was awful after all the hard, drunk work. The colors were awful. I painted my mood, I think, or maybe tried too hard to make it so original that it crossed the line into “Who lives in this circus house”! Diagonal stripes, which I measured but sure didn’t come out that even, colors that I thought were fab, until a few days of living with them. Only to begin again with the negative thoughts that I suck and can’t do anything right.

I painted over again while I was still drinking. Still allowed me to be drunk and isolated....but hey, I’m productive so I must be okay. It ended up looking good somehow. We’ll, I actually got some advice. Online of course, so I didn’t have to leave the house and actually talk to people to their face after work. I mean that’s after 5pm, and wine session started at 3pm🥺

With this somewhat clearer head, I agreed with my drunk selfs pick of new colors.

I ordered everything online. Even the paint....I paid a courier to pick up and leave at the front door. I did the whole darn thing without speaking or seeing one person!

Today, I’m actually GOING to Home Depot and actually going to TALK to a people face to face. I’m very excited about this normal, everyday thing people do!

My bro is coming over to help me this weekend. He quit drinking many years ago. I might talk to him about mine. I’d like to say he doesn’t have a clue about it. Def easier to hide from him because I don’t see or talk to him as much as my daughter, made sure to ignore calls after 6pm and call back in the morning. But I’m starting to realize now, my sneaky, secret behavior was me hiding it from myself and lying to myself.

As always, sorry for my ramblings. If it’s okay, I’m trying to use this as a sort of journal for all to see. Not because I want your replies and attention, but because it’s out there for SR to see. If I go to a private journal, I just feel like I’m hiding, have no accountability, and isolating again.

Anyway, thanks for reading this ramble if you did and wish you all a happy and safe day❤️

whitejay

Oh my goodness, can I relate ! Hey, Im on the phone talking to my tax accountant - I'm productive (have no idea I set up a 8am appt at his office)
hey, I'm ordering new flooring - I'm productive (had to call back and cancel because I didnt like the color) but it looked good while drinking
hey, I'm calling my sister who I never talk to - thats a positive ** isnt it ??
hey, I ordered tons of face creams, lotions, clothes, balance beams, unicorns online - accomplishments right ? heck no, cancelled all the next day. what in the heck do I need a 5 in 1 dust buster for !!

absolute INSANITY - I want those days gone. Onward and Upward I go

silversky

I'm following your story and so rooting for you. I love the changes you are making day by day and how you are getting honest with yourself. I can relate to the isolation, the mood changes, all the suckage and this lovely awakening you are sharing. Keep going.

advbike

Fantastic progress InTheEnd! The good, restful sleep is the best part for me.

FitNonDrinker

How are things going for you today? Your post really hit home for me and I'm hoping you are well.