I want to tell you a sober story
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I want to tell you a sober story
I live in a special place, among the forests, beside a saltless sea, in a land of snowy conifers and summertime green-gold splendor shot through with rivers and streams. This is where I grew up. After traveling this world over for the better part of two decades, this is where I have settled again with my children, my wife and my dog. I have journeyed far, searching, seeking, following the call of my heart. Now my heart calls for simpler things. I'm happier in a quiet wood than in a city. I'd rather time with love and presence than 'thrills' in foreign lands. Don't get me wrong; I remain a bit of an adrenaline junkie - but at 48 years old I imbibe that in far more meager ways.
I drank from the age of 14. Had my first experiences with marijuana then, too. Sampled LSD and cocaine and opium, speed, uppers, downers. It was the 'thing to do', I thought. These were the influences that crossed my path. As a young kid from a broken home, some early childhood trauma and a sense of abandonment by my largely-absent father, they became the agents of 'comfort-by-escape' for me; from pain, from ADHD, from anger and fear. Alcohol and cannabis were the two side-by-side I could 'count on'. Whatever else I may happen to encounter, I was generally game for. Never did opioids. Always shied away from needles. I was sharp, charismatic, capable, well-supported by an emotionally-aware and deeply caring mom - who was likely the only influence that really kept me from going fully off the deep end at an early age. And thus did I manage to embark upon a journey of the life of the "high functioning alcoholic/addict". I would not admit this to myself until my 40s. By then, I'd amassed a long list of clear evidence. Experiences with the law, jail, relationship failures, constant financial chaos, shame, guilt, frustration, fear... the usual alcohol-addict stuff. Never homeless, never losing a job, I was always able to convince myself I'd simply had some bad luck and needed to work harder on moderation and control. You probably know the drill.
Along the arc of about 25 years, beginning with my first experience landing in jail due to alcohol and suffering the consequences of things like DUI's, drunken destruction of property, blacked-out hit-and-runs, divorces and the anguish caused my own family, I finally found my way to sobriety. I'll keep the how did I do it for another time, as that's not the point of this story. Suffice to say, I found myself trudging the road to happy destiny, having found AA and many other tools which I had finally taken up in earnest. I am now half a month into my eighth year of sobriety from alcohol and am so deeply grateful for that. Out of that 7+ years of sobriety, I also held nearly 6 years without cannabis. But over the past year, I'd chosen to allow that back in. I'll save the details of my struggle with that for other posts as well - but know that as of today, I am back to 8 days without cannabis. I am once again truly 'clean AND sober'. And that's where this story really begins.
In the past year, I've lost my kid sister (she was 28) to addiction and alcoholism. I started a business that lost several hundred thousand dollars and has nearly cost me and my family our future. I had health scares with my parents. I've endured the chaos of a pandemic and the context of a nation in structural decline along more lines than I care to keep track of. The house has been a wreck, I've not kept up on the bills, I've watched my credit decline and then shatter and I have seen my health go straight down the tubes. I chalked it all up to the externalities. But I own a lot of responsibility for my circumstances because through it all, I had gone from a choice to engage in 'casual moderation' to a state of near-daily to many times daily cannabis consumption. It wasn't "as bad" as alcohol, I told myself. And in some sense that's true. I never was a hurtful person on weed. I never put others in danger. I never destroyed things. Marijuana - by comparison to all the other things and certainly to alcohol, was 'innocent'. But that was all delusion. Marijuana, for an addict / alcoholic - for THIS addict / alcoholic - is just as deadly to Self. I'm glad to be seeing that now. To be returned to a clear-headed state. While only 8 days, clear-headed enough to really see the truth of where I was just a few weeks back, before I began working my way OUT of the clutches of cannabis.
I have 4 children. One of them, my eldest daughter, just recently turned 14. I'm blown away at how fast that time has gone. I am so deeply grateful that I shed myself of the awfulness of addiction to be present and loving, clear and grateful, emotionally-awake and aware and SOBER for the last 7+ years of her life. Rather than look wistfully, regretfully on those years when drugs and alcohol impaired my ability to be the Daddy I wanted to be - I look with gratitude and relief on the years I spent as the Daddy she deserves. In 4 years, she will be an adult. It will be gone in a blink.
Over the past week of clean AND sober living, I've found myself with the energy, focus, motivation and awareness to be making changes. One change was getting the family together for a family planning session. A Sunday-evening look-ahead at the week to come, with the intention of communicating, hearing everyone's wants and needs, ensuring my wife and I had a schedule we could manage and aligning the kids all to the idea of teamwork and a focus on us all helping to make our household run a bit better. Teamwork to help reduce everyone's stress, keep the house clean, the bills paid, and have time together. During that family meeting, my daughter asked for my commitment to go on a night run with her twice this week. Like her Daddy, she's been discovering the joy of running, the peaceful restorative force of nature, and the benefits of relative solitude as a regular part of life. Happily and with inner glee, I accepted her request.
Last night was our first run. We did 5 miles through snowy woods. It was quite dark because of cloud cover and the snow - though hard-packed after some warm weather - made it hard going. We ran down familiar trails across the road from our home. We ran down some backroads - gravel ribbons of manmade throughways. We visited a beaver lodge and a stream and a lake. On the way back home, perhaps the last mile out, my daughter yelled out excitedly, "DAD!!!!! LOOK!!!!! LOOK AT THE STARS!!!". We stopped and switched off our headlamps. Here where we live, out of range of any city lights, the Milky Way had appeared from the now-departed cloud cover and was set in stark relief against the great dark depth of the Great Mystery beyond. "Let's lay down on our backs and look at it!!", my daughter said. And we did. We lay there, in perfect silence.... there was Orion, the Seven Sisters, the Dippers Big and Little, the infinite billions of unnamed stars and constellations and mysteries of the beyond stared back at us. "There is the face of God, sweetheart. Whenever you feel like you're lost and need assurance, there is one place you can turn to see that there's a Greater Presence, a Great Mystery, A Higher Power. We sure are blessed", said I. "We sure are, Dad.... thanks for going running with me", said she.
These are the gifts that sobriety brings.
I promise you, the journey is worth it.
Happy clean and sober day to you. And may you find your power and your path amongst the stars.
I drank from the age of 14. Had my first experiences with marijuana then, too. Sampled LSD and cocaine and opium, speed, uppers, downers. It was the 'thing to do', I thought. These were the influences that crossed my path. As a young kid from a broken home, some early childhood trauma and a sense of abandonment by my largely-absent father, they became the agents of 'comfort-by-escape' for me; from pain, from ADHD, from anger and fear. Alcohol and cannabis were the two side-by-side I could 'count on'. Whatever else I may happen to encounter, I was generally game for. Never did opioids. Always shied away from needles. I was sharp, charismatic, capable, well-supported by an emotionally-aware and deeply caring mom - who was likely the only influence that really kept me from going fully off the deep end at an early age. And thus did I manage to embark upon a journey of the life of the "high functioning alcoholic/addict". I would not admit this to myself until my 40s. By then, I'd amassed a long list of clear evidence. Experiences with the law, jail, relationship failures, constant financial chaos, shame, guilt, frustration, fear... the usual alcohol-addict stuff. Never homeless, never losing a job, I was always able to convince myself I'd simply had some bad luck and needed to work harder on moderation and control. You probably know the drill.
Along the arc of about 25 years, beginning with my first experience landing in jail due to alcohol and suffering the consequences of things like DUI's, drunken destruction of property, blacked-out hit-and-runs, divorces and the anguish caused my own family, I finally found my way to sobriety. I'll keep the how did I do it for another time, as that's not the point of this story. Suffice to say, I found myself trudging the road to happy destiny, having found AA and many other tools which I had finally taken up in earnest. I am now half a month into my eighth year of sobriety from alcohol and am so deeply grateful for that. Out of that 7+ years of sobriety, I also held nearly 6 years without cannabis. But over the past year, I'd chosen to allow that back in. I'll save the details of my struggle with that for other posts as well - but know that as of today, I am back to 8 days without cannabis. I am once again truly 'clean AND sober'. And that's where this story really begins.
In the past year, I've lost my kid sister (she was 28) to addiction and alcoholism. I started a business that lost several hundred thousand dollars and has nearly cost me and my family our future. I had health scares with my parents. I've endured the chaos of a pandemic and the context of a nation in structural decline along more lines than I care to keep track of. The house has been a wreck, I've not kept up on the bills, I've watched my credit decline and then shatter and I have seen my health go straight down the tubes. I chalked it all up to the externalities. But I own a lot of responsibility for my circumstances because through it all, I had gone from a choice to engage in 'casual moderation' to a state of near-daily to many times daily cannabis consumption. It wasn't "as bad" as alcohol, I told myself. And in some sense that's true. I never was a hurtful person on weed. I never put others in danger. I never destroyed things. Marijuana - by comparison to all the other things and certainly to alcohol, was 'innocent'. But that was all delusion. Marijuana, for an addict / alcoholic - for THIS addict / alcoholic - is just as deadly to Self. I'm glad to be seeing that now. To be returned to a clear-headed state. While only 8 days, clear-headed enough to really see the truth of where I was just a few weeks back, before I began working my way OUT of the clutches of cannabis.
I have 4 children. One of them, my eldest daughter, just recently turned 14. I'm blown away at how fast that time has gone. I am so deeply grateful that I shed myself of the awfulness of addiction to be present and loving, clear and grateful, emotionally-awake and aware and SOBER for the last 7+ years of her life. Rather than look wistfully, regretfully on those years when drugs and alcohol impaired my ability to be the Daddy I wanted to be - I look with gratitude and relief on the years I spent as the Daddy she deserves. In 4 years, she will be an adult. It will be gone in a blink.
Over the past week of clean AND sober living, I've found myself with the energy, focus, motivation and awareness to be making changes. One change was getting the family together for a family planning session. A Sunday-evening look-ahead at the week to come, with the intention of communicating, hearing everyone's wants and needs, ensuring my wife and I had a schedule we could manage and aligning the kids all to the idea of teamwork and a focus on us all helping to make our household run a bit better. Teamwork to help reduce everyone's stress, keep the house clean, the bills paid, and have time together. During that family meeting, my daughter asked for my commitment to go on a night run with her twice this week. Like her Daddy, she's been discovering the joy of running, the peaceful restorative force of nature, and the benefits of relative solitude as a regular part of life. Happily and with inner glee, I accepted her request.
Last night was our first run. We did 5 miles through snowy woods. It was quite dark because of cloud cover and the snow - though hard-packed after some warm weather - made it hard going. We ran down familiar trails across the road from our home. We ran down some backroads - gravel ribbons of manmade throughways. We visited a beaver lodge and a stream and a lake. On the way back home, perhaps the last mile out, my daughter yelled out excitedly, "DAD!!!!! LOOK!!!!! LOOK AT THE STARS!!!". We stopped and switched off our headlamps. Here where we live, out of range of any city lights, the Milky Way had appeared from the now-departed cloud cover and was set in stark relief against the great dark depth of the Great Mystery beyond. "Let's lay down on our backs and look at it!!", my daughter said. And we did. We lay there, in perfect silence.... there was Orion, the Seven Sisters, the Dippers Big and Little, the infinite billions of unnamed stars and constellations and mysteries of the beyond stared back at us. "There is the face of God, sweetheart. Whenever you feel like you're lost and need assurance, there is one place you can turn to see that there's a Greater Presence, a Great Mystery, A Higher Power. We sure are blessed", said I. "We sure are, Dad.... thanks for going running with me", said she.
These are the gifts that sobriety brings.
I promise you, the journey is worth it.
Happy clean and sober day to you. And may you find your power and your path amongst the stars.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
I love this story. I am very proud of you, FreeOwl! I know how challenging it has been for you to get cannabis out of your life again.
What is more impressive is the health that you are creating with your family unit. Having a meeting to hear of everyone's concerns and organizing with your Teammate (spouse) to ensure all the "pieces" of the whole function properly. Spending quality time with your daughter out on a run. It sounds like you are quite blessed and what is more impressive is that you acknowledge your blessings.
May you have a wonderful Wednesday! Keep on keepin' on!
What is more impressive is the health that you are creating with your family unit. Having a meeting to hear of everyone's concerns and organizing with your Teammate (spouse) to ensure all the "pieces" of the whole function properly. Spending quality time with your daughter out on a run. It sounds like you are quite blessed and what is more impressive is that you acknowledge your blessings.
May you have a wonderful Wednesday! Keep on keepin' on!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thank you, FreeOwl, for sharing all this with us. It's deep and beautifully written - should be a must-read for everyone recovering from any addiction, or even just dabbling in mid-life 
I only ever experimented with drugs in my late 20s/early 30s and alcohol didn't become a problem either until my early 30s, but relate to a lot of your post, especially what you describe in the first paragraph about preferring a quiet life at this point (I will soon turn 47) and the returning motivation and awe for many things in sobriety. For me, the latter came very fast and almost as a surprise after so many years of struggling to keep up the so-called "functional alcoholic" life, so I feel fortunate. I'm realizing more and more how very difficult it was to maintain that life (and it was severely under potential in every way) - getting and staying sober has been a lot easier (and of course much more rewarding) in any comparison I can make.
Cannabis is just as much a beast for many people as alcohol or other drugs, but you are beating it I think it's also similar in that many people never develop a problem with it and can use it in moderation, but for some it's definitely just like an alcohol or opioid addiction in terms of the mental dependency and functional consequences in life. I wish you the very best in the continuation of your sober journey!
I only ever experimented with drugs in my late 20s/early 30s and alcohol didn't become a problem either until my early 30s, but relate to a lot of your post, especially what you describe in the first paragraph about preferring a quiet life at this point (I will soon turn 47) and the returning motivation and awe for many things in sobriety. For me, the latter came very fast and almost as a surprise after so many years of struggling to keep up the so-called "functional alcoholic" life, so I feel fortunate. I'm realizing more and more how very difficult it was to maintain that life (and it was severely under potential in every way) - getting and staying sober has been a lot easier (and of course much more rewarding) in any comparison I can make.Cannabis is just as much a beast for many people as alcohol or other drugs, but you are beating it
I think it's also similar in that many people never develop a problem with it and can use it in moderation, but for some it's definitely just like an alcohol or opioid addiction in terms of the mental dependency and functional consequences in life. I wish you the very best in the continuation of your sober journey!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Wonderful post, man. I had a moment like that when I first got really sober in 2013 and had only a few months. I was in the Central Oregon Cascades, at the edge of the national forest, where I lived at the time. My AV was beating me up to have a drink. It was a cold winter night and I went for a walk. When I looked up it was as if I was hanging on the edge of the earth. The stars and the milky way were so amazingly brilliant that I simply stared in awe. It was if I could reach out and touch the stars.
I thanked God for giving me that beautiful gift and moved forward in my sobriety. It was an act of grace and I noticed that I became much more aware of them once I was sober for awhile.
Thanks for reminding me of that moment with your post, and so glad you had that special time with your daughter. You will always remember it.
I thanked God for giving me that beautiful gift and moved forward in my sobriety. It was an act of grace and I noticed that I became much more aware of them once I was sober for awhile.
Thanks for reminding me of that moment with your post, and so glad you had that special time with your daughter. You will always remember it.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
FreeOwl - I always appreciate & enjoy your posts, but this one was the best. Heartfelt and moving. I'm so happy you have come to feel the way you do about your life & sobriety. I know your words will help motivate many. Thank you for the lovely gift of this post - it encouraged me today. 
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
I was so sure I replied to this...and then I found out I did, but in the MJ section. Glad you posted it there as well. I'll double-reply because such a powerful piece of writing deserves all the praise it can get.
What...a...write-up, wow. I don't get emotional easily but you had me there. Felt like I was right there with you. This is going to make a difference for people visiting this forum, I'll promise you that.
So glad to hear things are working out for you on all kinds of levels. Simply inspirational.
What...a...write-up, wow. I don't get emotional easily but you had me there. Felt like I was right there with you. This is going to make a difference for people visiting this forum, I'll promise you that.
So glad to hear things are working out for you on all kinds of levels. Simply inspirational.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Absolutely beautiful post, FreeOwl, thank you for sharing your life story. At the end, I felt as though I was lying down in the snow with you both, looking up at the Milky Way. You are free now, and hopefully, so it shall be.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
Dammit Owl, your story keeps popping up in my head. Told your story to my girlfriend over dinner -a quiet dinner that was because the kids sleep over at grandma's tonight- and I find myself coming back to the forum to read it again.
It's better the second time
Chapeau!
It's better the second time
Chapeau!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Thankyou for sharing this journey, owl. So powerful and beautifully written.
I know many have already said how much this will help others , particularly for new people coming to the site, but I thought it may help to hear it from someone who is still early in the journey (and frankly, in a bit of a struggling phase) . Your words are like pinpricks of hope. A cool breeze through the furnace room.
Right now, at 73 days in, I have somehow mislaid the hope of my first few days of sobriety. Slipped down the back of the couch. I don’t actually believe I can do what you have done, owl.
Everyday , I begin what feels like a fresh death match with my alcoholism and addiction . I do the things . I do what I am meant to do to counter that . Lots meetings, nurturing nascent spirituality, speaking to my sponsor and reaching out to others at AA for help. But I am beginning to feel like the fall is inevitable for me.
My sponsor says this is because I am still effectively a “dry drunk”. That my current obsession w alcohol and intense struggle w cravings & my erratic & painful MH will change, will ease.
My son has recently turned 15, and he is so very much like me in temperament , it actually scares me. I feel all I have brought him for most of those 15 years is pain, disappointment, and potential future suffering. I don’t want him to struggle like I have, I don’t want him to inherit mental health problems and addiction problems. My daughter is 12 and still so easy and free in this world. For her, I can’t even begin to unpack the depth of my sins yet. Because for now, while the damage may have been even more “all her life” than w my son - she is fine.
I can’t run with my son. (Even though I once ran marathons). My 48 year old body and brain seem too broken for running, now. Too damaged. Plus he wouldn’t let me. In three years, he will be an adult. my daughter has just begun to show some signs of being a classic moody teenager as her 13 bday approaches. I am prepared for her anger. I know she will have it so much more than my boy will allow himself.
Is it too late to really see the stars with my son? Is it too late to see them with my daughter? Probably.
But I guess I won’t know that if I don’t keep going. And that means they won’t know it either. And they deserve that. They deserve everything.
My son is so worth the struggle. My daughter is so worth the struggle.
Am I? I don’t know yet, but I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can answer.
I know many have already said how much this will help others , particularly for new people coming to the site, but I thought it may help to hear it from someone who is still early in the journey (and frankly, in a bit of a struggling phase) . Your words are like pinpricks of hope. A cool breeze through the furnace room.
Right now, at 73 days in, I have somehow mislaid the hope of my first few days of sobriety. Slipped down the back of the couch. I don’t actually believe I can do what you have done, owl.
Everyday , I begin what feels like a fresh death match with my alcoholism and addiction . I do the things . I do what I am meant to do to counter that . Lots meetings, nurturing nascent spirituality, speaking to my sponsor and reaching out to others at AA for help. But I am beginning to feel like the fall is inevitable for me.
My sponsor says this is because I am still effectively a “dry drunk”. That my current obsession w alcohol and intense struggle w cravings & my erratic & painful MH will change, will ease.
My son has recently turned 15, and he is so very much like me in temperament , it actually scares me. I feel all I have brought him for most of those 15 years is pain, disappointment, and potential future suffering. I don’t want him to struggle like I have, I don’t want him to inherit mental health problems and addiction problems. My daughter is 12 and still so easy and free in this world. For her, I can’t even begin to unpack the depth of my sins yet. Because for now, while the damage may have been even more “all her life” than w my son - she is fine.
I can’t run with my son. (Even though I once ran marathons). My 48 year old body and brain seem too broken for running, now. Too damaged. Plus he wouldn’t let me. In three years, he will be an adult. my daughter has just begun to show some signs of being a classic moody teenager as her 13 bday approaches. I am prepared for her anger. I know she will have it so much more than my boy will allow himself.
Is it too late to really see the stars with my son? Is it too late to see them with my daughter? Probably.
But I guess I won’t know that if I don’t keep going. And that means they won’t know it either. And they deserve that. They deserve everything.
My son is so worth the struggle. My daughter is so worth the struggle.
Am I? I don’t know yet, but I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can answer.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
I'm sorry to hear you are not doing so well at the moment, that must be a frustrating thing.
If running is not possible, why not start with walking? It can be even better than running, because it's possible to have a conversation with a walking partner. The fact that you walk side by side can do great things for a conversation.
Tire that body until the mind calms down! As a marathon runner, you know what exercise can do for you.
Wish you the very best!
If running is not possible, why not start with walking? It can be even better than running, because it's possible to have a conversation with a walking partner. The fact that you walk side by side can do great things for a conversation.
Tire that body until the mind calms down! As a marathon runner, you know what exercise can do for you.
Wish you the very best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Tanky 
Thankyou for sharing this journey, owl. So powerful and beautifully written.
I know many have already said how much this will help others , particularly for new people coming to the site, but I thought it may help to hear it from someone who is still early in the journey (and frankly, in a bit of a struggling phase) . Your words are like pinpricks of hope. A cool breeze through the furnace room.
Right now, at 73 days in, I have somehow mislaid the hope of my first few days of sobriety. Slipped down the back of the couch. I don’t actually believe I can do what you have done, owl.
Everyday , I begin what feels like a fresh death match with my alcoholism and addiction . I do the things . I do what I am meant to do to counter that . Lots meetings, nurturing nascent spirituality, speaking to my sponsor and reaching out to others at AA for help. But I am beginning to feel like the fall is inevitable for me.
My sponsor says this is because I am still effectively a “dry drunk”. That my current obsession w alcohol and intense struggle w cravings & my erratic & painful MH will change, will ease.
My son has recently turned 15, and he is so very much like me in temperament , it actually scares me. I feel all I have brought him for most of those 15 years is pain, disappointment, and potential future suffering. I don’t want him to struggle like I have, I don’t want him to inherit mental health problems and addiction problems. My daughter is 12 and still so easy and free in this world. For her, I can’t even begin to unpack the depth of my sins yet. Because for now, while the damage may have been even more “all her life” than w my son - she is fine.
I can’t run with my son. (Even though I once ran marathons). My 48 year old body and brain seem too broken for running, now. Too damaged. Plus he wouldn’t let me. In three years, he will be an adult. my daughter has just begun to show some signs of being a classic moody teenager as her 13 bday approaches. I am prepared for her anger. I know she will have it so much more than my boy will allow himself.
Is it too late to really see the stars with my son? Is it too late to see them with my daughter? Probably.
But I guess I won’t know that if I don’t keep going. And that means they won’t know it either. And they deserve that. They deserve everything.
My son is so worth the struggle. My daughter is so worth the struggle.
Am I? I don’t know yet, but I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can answer.
I know many have already said how much this will help others , particularly for new people coming to the site, but I thought it may help to hear it from someone who is still early in the journey (and frankly, in a bit of a struggling phase) . Your words are like pinpricks of hope. A cool breeze through the furnace room.
Right now, at 73 days in, I have somehow mislaid the hope of my first few days of sobriety. Slipped down the back of the couch. I don’t actually believe I can do what you have done, owl.
Everyday , I begin what feels like a fresh death match with my alcoholism and addiction . I do the things . I do what I am meant to do to counter that . Lots meetings, nurturing nascent spirituality, speaking to my sponsor and reaching out to others at AA for help. But I am beginning to feel like the fall is inevitable for me.
My sponsor says this is because I am still effectively a “dry drunk”. That my current obsession w alcohol and intense struggle w cravings & my erratic & painful MH will change, will ease.
My son has recently turned 15, and he is so very much like me in temperament , it actually scares me. I feel all I have brought him for most of those 15 years is pain, disappointment, and potential future suffering. I don’t want him to struggle like I have, I don’t want him to inherit mental health problems and addiction problems. My daughter is 12 and still so easy and free in this world. For her, I can’t even begin to unpack the depth of my sins yet. Because for now, while the damage may have been even more “all her life” than w my son - she is fine.
I can’t run with my son. (Even though I once ran marathons). My 48 year old body and brain seem too broken for running, now. Too damaged. Plus he wouldn’t let me. In three years, he will be an adult. my daughter has just begun to show some signs of being a classic moody teenager as her 13 bday approaches. I am prepared for her anger. I know she will have it so much more than my boy will allow himself.
Is it too late to really see the stars with my son? Is it too late to see them with my daughter? Probably.
But I guess I won’t know that if I don’t keep going. And that means they won’t know it either. And they deserve that. They deserve everything.
My son is so worth the struggle. My daughter is so worth the struggle.
Am I? I don’t know yet, but I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can answer.
You absolutely are.
You are worth it.
I know the 'dry drunk' syndrome..... I feel like I went through a stage of that early on.
My 48 year old body is broken down, too. Our 'running' - to be fair - was a lot of walking in between spurts of very slowpace running. Like, ultramarathon pace. Like, slow.... out of shape ultrapace. My daughter is trying to help me get back to being able to run again.... like you I used to run marathons, ultras, all kinds of running. for the past few years in sobriety I think part of me was 'dry drunking' my way into work-a-holism. Just another channel for addiction. It nearly killed me.
What I've come to understand over the past month and a half after having to lay off my employees (for the second time this year) and I just sat in stillness trying to let my life slow down and trying to get the hell away from Marijuana.
In doing that, I re-opened the door to what I'd stepped away from; recovery.
And that opened the door back into what the REAL issue has been: my spiritual illness.
Please believe me when I say - YOU CAN be free. YOU CAN lie on your back looking up at the stars telling your son and your daughter about the face of God.
YOU CAN - because you're still breathing. You're reading these words. You're here in this community.
It is not too late.
You have an entire life ahead of you.
And you are loved.
Keep going. and the trick is.... keep going DEEPer.
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