Raeven58

Tw, very personal

My SO of 6 years, who I moved in with when I retired early, at his behest, in September has had complications from prostate cancer the entire time I've known him. Not huge to me, but not without small regret. In the early years there was activity even though it didn't have a happy ending for him. Last couple years, nothing beyond hug, quick kiss, affection. I didn't focus on it. Quite by accident this morning, when he wanted my help with the media player on his computer, multiple video files came up and he quickly closed the window. I asked if there was a problem, he said they were personal. He has porn on his computer. I asked why, he said they're for him and that's all he'd say.
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We nearly broke up a couple years ago when he admitted he doesn't find me physically attractive but is emotionally attracted. Children do not hide behind their mothers when I approach. At the time I was still very wounded by an abusive ex, didn't deal with it. Everything came back hard, on what was already a very rough day.
now questioning everything. Can't afford to move, yet. Gave up a lot to be here, but thinking about it. We had talked about getting married but now not sure I trust him.
Sorry, needed to put it out to help me cope.
I don't plan to do something stupid, but really spinning right now.

Tried to be circumspect, hope I didn't offend anyone.

Surrendered19

I'm sorry you are in pain Raevyn, but I'll offer my perspective.

Many people study pornography and conservatively, 75 percent of women and more than 90 percent of men report accessing porn in the last 6 months. So, I wouldn't sign your SO up for porno anonymous or call the porno police just yet. I think you have a right to know who you are with and if the answer is a person who likes to look at porn, you need to come to grips with the fact that the vast majority of people in the internet age fall into that category.

Also, it sounds like your SO has physical problems not of his own making that very likely affect his libido in bad ways. It doesn't sound like it is his fault. As all of us age, including you, that part of our lives will fade away. It is inevitable. Pretend that you didn't know that he occasionally surfs porn on his computer and that he no longer wants to have sex with you or anyone else because he just can't - is he still a person you love and respect? If so, I think it is not yet time to break up.

I'm sorry you are hurting Raevyn. I am not intending to minimize your hurt or problems at all. Just offering my perspective.

I'm sure you'll get wildly varied feedback on these questions.

advbike

I'm sorry to hear you're having a painful day Raeven. Please don't drink over it. These sorts of things aren't unusual in relationships.

Lots of guys view porn. And some women do too. For many reasons. It's highly stimulating and addictive, and while a fantasy, can cause serious problems in real life. It doesn't reflect on you or your relationship in any way, other than the secrecy is not good. It is always better when things like this are shared, but he probably has a lot of shame and a feeling of inadequacy around the issues he has and his use of porn. He may be addicted..

Please give it some time and try to be open minded and non-confrontational with him. Especially do not internalize that it has anything to do with you, because it doesn't. This may be an opportunity for your relationship to get better, through communication and honesty, or it may go the other way. But it is important to give it some time and be open with each other.

Raeven58

Hi impotence is not his fault, acknowledging that is part of how I committed to a celibate relationship. However, this hurt. He can't see me that way but can someone else. I'm 62, it isn't that easy for me all the time. I would appreciate the affection and attention that goes beyond a hug or quick kiss.
I appreciate the comment

Surrendered19

I don't want to get too personal, but some couples look at porn together as part of their intimate connection. I know many who do that with their SO.

MissPerfumado

It's not the porn, really, and I think you recognise that too. It's the feeling that it's a substitute because you're not enjoying physical intimacy with him at the moment.

As others have said, porn watching is common, among both men and women. It can be enjoyed by someone who is in a healthy relationship and can even be incorporated into the relationship.

The part that made me feel really sad for your situation was his confession that he did not find you physically attractive. That would sting incredibly and no wonder you're carrying it around with you.

I think you need to get your bearings on what you've discovered and first things first, redouble on your sobriety commitment so you don't lose that. Everything is made worse with drinking.

Then, I think it would be important to evaluate your relationship in the coming weeks. I see the porn discovery not as some explosive event but more a very strong push for you to examine something that has been troubling you about the relationship. Are you in a position to get some form of counselling - individual and/or couples counselling? I'm not saying you need to break up with your SO - but I think you need to make peace with certain important aspects of your relationship if you're going to continue in it.

Dee74

Hi Raeven

I understand your pain. I hope you’ll be able to work through it with your SO. It’s a topic you want to discuss and which he should not shut down.

I think it reasonable you’re reconsidering other things but If he’s reluctant you may not get to discuss it today.

I would be careful of my Recovery over everything else, Raeven. You have worked so hard.

D

Mizz

I think you and your partner can find a healthy way to deal with this. His video watching is normal and really does not have anything to do with you. I mean that with the utmost respect and kindness.

He did say it was personal.

The Porn industry makes billions of dollars a year. Billions. Its a thing for people. I would not personalize it.

Raeven58

thanks Dee. it does feel very personal and doesn't matter that some reassure me it's normal. When that is as close to performing as he can get, or feels like cheating, which for me is a deal breaker. Not sure how I can afford to move again, but I don't have to decide now.

Dee74

No you don’t... and you can keep posting here.
I also understand it doesn’t matter to you whether others find this normal or not.

D

Anna

Raeven, I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. I'd find it hard to deal with the comment that your SO said he doesn't find you physically attractive. He did say he found you emotionally attractive to him and that's important too, and for some women that might be enough. But, for you, it sounds like it's not enough. Those are your feelings and that's what you have to work through now, as far as staying or leaving.

Raeven58

I didn't find a hug emoji, probably not appropriate, but thank you!!!

Raeven58

thanks Anna. It was hurtful when he did it, eventually got past it, I thought. Until today. I was feeling pretty vulnerable this morning because of current events, then this.
I have to remember that he isn't worth me drinking again.

Steely

I didn't like the bit where he said he didn't find you physically attractive. But really liked it when you said, children don't hide behind their mother's skirts. That was great. Bet he's no oil painting. 😂 I thought it really cruel of him to say that. Pretty shallow if you ask me.

And then says, he is "emotionally attracted." At last you are complete. Gee, thanks, my life's work!

Sounds like you want more, and maybe I'm a cynic. Idk.

I think he was cruel 'cause don't think physical attraction, if emotional attraction is present should in any way prevent intimacy.

And I'm cool with porn.

Def not worth drinking over.

I feel like blowing a big fat raspberry at him. Sorry, can't help myself sometimes.

Raeven58

Thanks Steely. He could stand to drop about 180 pounds, and I could drop 50 to get back to fighting weight, but yes, I appreciate it. I'm not a fan of pork, but I can walk around the house in almost nothing, he doesn't look up...then to find out he's looking at strangers...too much like cheating. Just very hurt right now.
glad you like my.humor.

Steely

I do like your sense of humour Raeven. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me going. Humour, that is.

I think this is funny: one of those meme things.

Lassie's owner has been swept into a river and calls, "Lassie, get help!"

Next frame shows Lassie on a psychiatrist's couch talking about tough life as a puppy. haha

I would be hurt too Raeven, and I do know how it feels. Like, why would anyone say that?

I think he's projecting.

Blokes amaze me sometimes.

Raeven58

that's funny!!!! Thank you, I needed that.

Steely

Rock on Raeven. We got this.

least

I can understand your feelings. I think I'd feel hurt too if my mate said something hurtful to me.

I am glad you said he's not worth drinking over. You're right, he's not. Hold on tight to your sobriety, it's the best thing you've got going for you right now.

For the hug emoji, type this, without the space before the last colon :hug : And the group hug emoji is :grouphug :

Steely

Thanks least I didn't know how to do those emojis either.