Mizz

Im not going to drink. Its not an option. I am safe at home.

For the last two days there has been a mood existing with a real intense desire to drink. I get overwhelmed by it. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and telling myself this will get easier. I haven't felt this "Need" to drink at all since I quit. Ill have three months on the 8th. So.... .

I dont know who else to talk to about this except all of you on this WORDLY forum.

Im posting about this because it is a bit scary to have these feelings...... To think I could put myself back onto a path of destruction due to this mood. If I were to start, I know exactly where I will go and how this will be. Its ******* insanity. INSANITY!

PAWS?

Im all in with sobriety guys. I gotta see this through. The last two days though..... Yikes. Just WOW!

Dee74

Anniversaries can be wobbly if you let them be.
I resolved early on that there was nothing that could make me drink so ruminating on the possibility was futile.

I tried to keep busy. The more menial the task, the more it distracted me.

also... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-cravings.html (CarolD's tips for cravings)

in the end, I believe thoughts are thoughts... it’s what we do with those thoughts that counts - and you’ve come here to rat those thoughts out...I think that’s an excellent sign Mizz.

D

D122y

Welcome to the insanity of trying to stay clean.

I does get easier, but it doesn't stop.

I am clean a reasonable amount of time and I don't get the hellish feeling I used to, but I still feel my BP go up and it reminds me of a trigger.

Nothing to treat as normal, but I assure you it will get worse if you relapse.

Everyone I have ever heard about that relapsed said getting clean the next time was harder.

I am deathly afraid to relapse. Deathly afraid.

I do things to make myself feel better. Exercise and eating come to mind.

I did both today.

Thanks.

Mizz

I looked up Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Cause ya know Dr. Googs has all the answers

It all seems a bit spot on to me. At least from what I can gather. My "deal with stress" muscle is not very fit. Presently working on it.

fini

so what is the mood, Mizz? can you identify it, apart from it evoking a desire to get smashed?

Mizz

Its stress. Feeling severely irritated. My shoulders get real tight and start to hurt. Anger. Cycling in thought and I think that part is anxiety? Its all bottled up inside. I dont verbalize it or act on it. It takes hours to leave. Literal hours tonight.
So, the relief would be wine says my alcoholic brain. Its a kind of bursting feeling. I actually feel it leave. I wonder if I'm crazy after it leaves my body?!! Its like "something" else is driving the Mizz car.

Not acting on it. I need healthy tools to make it through.

Dee74

if you're going to look up PAWs this is probably the link to find
https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/

D

least

I'm going to give you the same advice that was given me here: start practicing gratitude every day. Seek out opportunities to be grateful. Be grateful for anything, no matter how big or small. I was at about 3 months also when I just wasn't 'feeling it'. It was hard to be grateful at first, I was still mentally getting used to being aware of my feelings. But gratitude is a good hobby cause the more you are grateful for, the more you find to be grateful for. Try it. It helped me an awful lot.

Mizz

Dee-THANK YOU! I bookmarked the page and read on PAWS. The Tools portion is exactly what I need. I am practicing some of those tools already and will implement more of them. The nutrition and eating enough may be a contributor among stress, relationships etc.

Least- You have actually influenced my last few months without you even knowing. I started making an inventory of gratitude and speaking of gratitude daily. Come to think of it I did not practice gratitude today. Another tool to pull out of the tool belt

Mizz

I actually feel like I am the winner of an epic battle today!

I ******* made it through that awful mental/ emotional place with some tools I acquired. I reached out and shared my experience and then acquired more tools from supportive/ knowledgeable sober people. I ate some Oatmeal, took a bath, talked, drank some tea...... I made it. Tough going there for awhile but this battle was hard-won!

Dee74

Good stuff

D

advbike

Hi Mizz, sorry to hear of the stress tension, but glad you are fighting it off. You seem like a very well-balanced person to me. I do think it is important to talk to someone when you are internally tense (friend, relative, therapist, etc) if there is something that is bothering you. Certainly lots going on to stress a thinking person out lately. Analyze your thoughts. Sometimes emotions arise without thoughts though. And PAWS is probably part of it. I also really feel gratitude for what we have is very important as Least points out. I practice it regularly during the day, and verbalize it.

MythOfSisyphus

You can do this, Mizz!

MissPerfumado

I don't know if I ever had anything that would qualify as PAWS, Mizz, but I had some very high-anxiety moments in the first few months of sobriety. They were in quite specific situations - public speaking as in speaking in a group, presenting to a group - but they were real. Like physical real. Sweaty palms, sweaty underarms, palpitating heart, racing mind.

I think I truly screwed up my brain chemistry with drinking, or maybe it was always wired funny and I hadn't noticed it with all the drinking.

I treated the symptoms naturally and carefully, with regular running, cutting down caffeine on days I would be in those situations, yoga, and meditating. I thought about seeing a psychologist but left off doing that, and things evened out in the end. The last episode was about 12 months into sobriety.

Push through. Distract yourself, go for a walk if you can, watch dumb things on YouTube, drink herbal tea, reach out and FaceTime a friend. Anything but drink.

It was hard and I wondered if I would ever be 'normal' again. Yes, I am pretty much okay now, but I still manage it proactively with the same natural treatments. I know you exercise regularly already. I would suggest being very active in looking after your exercise regimen for the next few weeks if you find that is helping you. Listen to your body, and check if there is anything unusual you're eating. If symptoms persist, you might choose to see someone professionally - if you're already on medication, a tweak might help.

Mizz

There are communication issues in my work life.

I need to be able to keep things in perspective and leave my work mentally when I actually leave the building. I don't have those boundaries in place. I do see that I am not processing in a healthy manner. I know I can change this and I do know it will take a lot of time. I have to leave the stress there, at the job, and not walk around with it in my body. I'm not saving lives here. Its not like I'm a brain or heart surgeon.... Or any other occupation that requires a skill set that saves lives.. This work should not have me feeling this stressed. .....
So, I realize its ME.

I talked with my SO about this feeling tonight and how I was going to be safe. I mean, communication and confusion are going to be everywhere. Its how I respond, ya?

My home life is calm. Quiet. Very stable and secure. I am grateful for this. I have a routine that I keep with the mornings. A routine that I keep with the evenings. I wish for the "when I leave the house and go make money" to be the same.

Ive got my work to do. Gratitude mountain here I come.

I read that Gratitude does not come natural to people. Makes sense. Its like the Salmon that swim upstream. I am that Salmon. I plan to be a Gratitude Athlete soon enough! Its a practice.

EndGameNYC

Yup

biminiblue

I'm glad you made it through.

I think years of escaping any and all emotion certainly makes the associations really strong. "Ick, that's uncomfortable. I know how to stop feeling [anything.]"

You may want to read, "Dance of Anger." It's a really good codie book that doesn't get recommended a lot. I'm sure it's in the book list Anna linked for you. Yeah, I just looked - it's down in the codependency section. Lerner is the author.

If other peoples' actions influence your own mood (and it happens to us all sometimes) then there are books for that! I told you I read dozens of books when I was in new recovery many years ago. That was one of the ones that impacted me. It says it's for intimate relationships. Hm. I don't remember that part, I just remember the anger part and that it clicked for me reading that book.

PuckLuck

Thanks for the post and hang in their Mizz! We got your back. You're doing great. 3 months is amazing

Mizz

I ordered the book. It should be here in a few days.

This "mood" or "feeling" or "I've gone stark mad and am not available for an extended period of time" is not something I will ever be comfortable with. Its scaring the **** out of me. Thankfully I am monitoring the situation and reaching out for help when the going gets to be too much.

Today: Morning weights. Eat enough food. Practice gratitude. Walk with integrity and honesty. Keep my side of the street clean. stay close to SR. Any unresolved issues can wait to be resolved until I get a handle on this "mood" and know that I am getting through it unscathed. It doesn't feel like that now. I actually feel a bit emotionally/ mentally injured from it. Stay open to suggestions and listen to others who have been here.

Another suggestion was to seek out a professional to talk with and I am open to that. I was in contact with one awhile ago. She was booked. Then she wasn't booked. Then she was booked. I figured that was a sign that it was not my time or really I just gave up and didn't continue my search.....

Little steps forward. Thank you all for the suggestions and for the help. I am going to get this under control.

biminiblue

Really for me it took a good 8-9 months until I felt like I had my emotions and thoughts under control. A lot of this is physical damage from alcohol.

If only we could fast-forward, yeah?

I try to remember, "If I'm having a bad day, just give it three days." Most everything bubbles out in three days on any particular issue. When I'm really struggling with something I'll take it to my journal - that helps straighten things out.


I have a small sticky note on my refrigerator on which I've written: "Adjust, Adapt, Accept. Sooner is better than later."
That will often sidetrack the worry track.

You're okay.