DriGuy

This is a totally reasonable question. I say that it's reasonable because I've had the same question. lol

In my case, the urges have reduced in intensity and frequency, but they are always easily manageable, and not those insane cravings in early recovery. They are more like thoughts. Working hard on some physical project, and accomplishing some task, can trigger a pleasant thought that I could sit back on the porch and have a drink, both as a reward and a celebration of getting a job done. This is quickly followed by what feels like my mind waking up or snapping back to attention, and then a laugh at myself. I might go for two or three years without having one of those thoughts, and then I may have two or three of them in a month.

I don't define these as urges, just a mind slip of some sort. I actually think it's funny when it happens. It's funny because I fully embrace the idea that one drink poses not just a risk, but a promise that things will get bad. I've never tested this, because while I have the thought, I don't want or need a drink. Urge? Hmmm, maybe. The thought is almost identical to my drinking days, where the pleasant thought of a drink after work always came in the disguise of just "one harmless drink," which always ended up in being drunk for the rest of the night with "one harmless drink" after another.

Having my guard up against that situation has become an almost unconscious default. And I have puzzled over why old timers go back out too. While my understanding is limited, I do make speculations about it, knowing that it's likely more complicated than I make it. My guess is that feeling OK is one of the biggest traps we must avoid in long term sobriety. And we both know that feeling. We feel OK, because without alcohol, we actually are OK, but unfortunately for us, this is temporary and entirely contingent on NOT drinking. But it is a sure temptation if one has not internalized the message that we can never drink again.

My second speculation that it is a warped desire to self destruct. We fully understand the consequences (maybe), but we have a need to self destruct. I've sensed that need personally years ago, so I project that on others. Why it's there might be that we feel like we don't deserve what we have, but this might be no more than a wild guess.

I think that we just have to embrace and internalize the knowledge that we can never drink again and expect different results. That may be too simple, but it seems like it's all I have needed to get this far.

Hodd

Belated thanks for such a detailed reply, DG.

It’s a shame that urges to drink are likely to resurface every now and then for the rest of our days. As you say, they’re rarer and weaker, but I reckon the intensity plateaus after a few years unfortunately. It’s then down to us and our willpower to do what’s best. It’s good to have a healthy fear of drinking “just the one” and wondering what happens next. What if I was at some wedding and drank a glass of champagne type of question. The chances are nothing at all would happen or would I start develop a huge urge to drink in the following days? Again I’d probably resist, but it wouldn’t be pleasant and the risk of relapsing during those days would be immense.

Rather insanely I gargled some red wine a few months back before spitting it out. I think I did it as I was curious about the taste - I’m glad to report it didn’t taste great. That’s as far as I’ll be experimenting again in this lifetime.