katze

I feel like a fool. I spent the last couple of days yammpering on about how I was going to quit and how strongly I felt about my decision, but I completely screwed up. I bought a bottle of wine after a crappy day and drank it. I cannot believe that I have done this. This makes four time failing recovery and I can't understand why I can't get it right. I am in the midst of getting a promotion at work, I go back to school in January and some primeval side of me felt that it was cause for celebration. I didn't even think twice about it until the bottle of wine was gone and I started to look at the rum and bourbon in my freezer. Now, I am screwed. I want to apologize and I don't even know who to apologize to. I should have went to a meeting instead of trying to go it alone again. I was in an AA chatroom and one of the chatters told me that because I never got a sponsor that I had done nothing and she was right. I was so pissed at her for telling me that I had done nothing when I had maintained sobriety for almost 3 months on my own, but she was right. I am still pissed at her for being a bitch to me when I was already feeling like ****, but she was right. Tough love, I guess. I keep screwing up. I cannot believe that I drank.

bruised ego

Aww...don't apologize to anyone here Katze.....we have all been where you are tonight. Tomorrow is another day. Don't kick yourself...... please?

Otherwise, I won't be able to tell you where I've gone wrong. Honesty is the best policy. I've learned that here.

Oh wait.....I forgot the hug.

katze

It's absurb. I feel so guilt and I knew that I should post, but I also knew that I would feel ashamed and I do. I can't believe this. I am so ashamed. I should not have posted, but I was screaming inside and I cannot do it in my apartment or my neighbors will think that I am being murdered and then, they would just ignore me. People are so bloody desenstized, it seems. I don't get it. My husband hasn't said a word. He looks fine. I don't think he knows that I finished that bottle. I always make up a lie and say that I knocked it over or something. I can't believe that it still works. I don't think that he believes it and is waiting for tomorrow to say something about it. I am such a liar. Even my parents do not know that I have had a drinking problem for the past 2, almost 3, years. They just think that I am too damn artistic. My mother said something once, at a NYE party, but she doesn't drink so I thought that she was being uptight. I keep using the NY Resolution philosophy. "I can't make it through the holidays without a drink, so might as well wait until New Year's is over." I do that every year.

Ama

Sweetheart Katz,

SR is home from home.....that is why you could come here and tell us. Sure havent I just been as thick myself. TO KNOW ALL IS TO FORGIVE ALL. I dont know the half or even quarter of it yet. I do know that each slip has somehow enlightened me further as to the complete hold that alcohol has had over me. It reinforces the powerlessness that I have over it!!!! We are alcoholic and that means that the obsessive part of the disease awaits our moments of weakness to catch us unawares.

We need to understand just how cunning and powerful and baffling it really and truely is. I am coming to terms with that on a very minute by minute basis. I am baffled truely that I have allowed a substance to rule my life - PURE INSANITY.

So dear dear Katz. Take knowledge from this and just dont pick up the next drink - and then dont pick up the first drink. YOU CAN DO IT and everyone here at SR I know will support you every step of the way. Try and get to a meeting as this would help you too.

Luvs and Recovery Ama

bruised ego

Katze? I think you and I are right at the same spot in life. Wish I could PM you so we could chat...........I know exactly what you are going thru. Me too.

I think we might beat these demons together.

katze

I should go now, but I can't go drunk. It is a ****** feeling to go drunk. I have done it before. I am not drunk, but tipsy and I am obviously so. I don't want to ruin my life, but I am doing a damn good job of it. I wish I would have listened to everyone and immediately got a sponsor. My hands shook at work today and I was embarassed.

Ama

Katz,

Dont scream inside - post and get it out - bottled up is when the problems arise - YOU are doing the right thing. You are acknowledging what the disease does and how it possess us!

You are helping me soooo very much too tonight as you are where we all have been and surely dont want to return to. Be strong and know the strength of our numbers at SR.

Dear Friend - Persist in your quest for sobriety - I think that your posting speaks volumes regarding how much you yearn for it.

I am here if you need me and again thank you so much for your honesty as for me that is the basis of my recovery and the 12 steps.....Luvs Ama

katze

I am just embarassed bc I feel that by this failure, I am not trying. It feels bad. I want to try a 30 day treatment program, but I think that I would lose the promotion that is coming to me.

Ama, I hate that you are at this same place because it hurts, but I am so proud of you that you are succeeding. My heart goes out to you and I want everything to be beautiful for you. Your soul goes out with your posts and it touched everyone who reads them. You are truly amazing.

ted

UNTIL I GOT MY HUGE EGO OUT OF THE WAY AND ADMITTED I NEEDED HELP,I KEPT RELAPSING.
AA,SPONSOR WITH A SPONSOR,WORK THE STEPS,
FIND A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF
(THAT'S WHERE MY EGO GOT IN THE WAY)
IT CAN AND IS DONE.I BELIEVE IF YOU SURRENDER YOU WILL WIN.
YOU KEEP COMING BACK AND DON'T STOP.
HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF ONE DAY AT A TIME.
.......GODSPEED.......................ted

Ama

(((Katz)))) and ((((Bruised Ego)))))

If is was so bloody easy there would be no need for SR or AA or any supports at all. This is a deadly disease that possesses us! My God but how often over the last few years have I fallen. But I am going to meetings and hearing of others who fell so so many times and yet made it to sobriety. For me - well I just regret that it took so long to get the message and concept of Acceptance!

That I feel is the difference today. Each slip until the final one gives us a history of undeniable proof that we are indeed alcoholic and completely powerless over alcohol. For me that was in fact evident for a long time but I needed to have my life made totally unmanageable too to cop on. Unmanageable aka my rock bottom. At a meeting the other evening someone shared that for them, Rock bottom was the first drink......I think that is a very simple yet profound way to view our disease.

Dont know if I am helping but I find that when I reply to a post that I am also clearing up doubts and reinforcing my own determination to stay sober and benefit both myself and thus those around me with the gift of sobriety.

Luvs and Be Gentle on yourselves - I really think a meeting would help - they do wonders for me as when I am seeking out a meeting I am always rejecting that first onimous drink.....Luvs Ama

CAPTAINZING2000

You might be trying to think your way sober. You sem educated but, this is a program for people willing to do foot work. What are you doing to try and stay sober?? Many of us it takes years of abusing oursleveshitting a real low bottom. Sad to say you might need to experience more pain. At your age I wouldn't have wanted to be in AA. I wouldn't have admitted to step 1. you touched on something we all had to learn. we had to get a sponser. Get one that wont let you pull BS. We all like to bs our way around things. Do you have some core issues? Why are you feeling this urge to drink? Do you think you're powerless? You have to be willing to admit. Is your life out of control? We try to trick ourselves into believing next time will be different. It never is diferent it's always the same. 1 drink leads to another and another At least it does for the majority of us in here.
You have to want this program. Many people need this program. Do you want to not drink??

1_day@_a_time

Katze, make new mistakes.

You have not failed, unless of course you have decided to give up.

Not sure how old you are, but I did not get sober until 45.

Tom

kweather99

Katze,
Welcome back! You're in the right place. Try to take it easy on yourself, you've probably had enough pain to last awhile. I can really relate. I relapsed after 6 months of trying to work the program my way. Guilt, pain, shame, frustration, you name it, I was feeling it at that point. I simply had to reaffirm Step 1, get up, dust myself off, and put one foot in front of the other and start walking away from the drink.

I did that by getting myself to a meeting and getting a temporary sponsor. This is a program of action. Without a guide I have much less of a chance of success and I won't really know how to work the Steps, though. And a roadmap is useless to me unless I get in the car and drive.

I have also learned to expect the temptation to drink and drug, and that it can be motivated by any feeling that I do not process and come to terms with, good or bad. However, if I expect to be tempted to drink again then I can make a plan before it happens. "I will call a sponsor or get to a meeting, and if I can't do those things I will get to SR.com, and if I can't do that I will...etc." I can't wait for the temptation to hit me before I come up with my plan, though, if I do that I'm a goner. My urges to drink in early recovery were so strong that I coudn't think clearly about anything but getting a drink in me. If I make my plan before hand I do not have to out-think the craving, I simply need to put my plan into action.

Hope this helps, hang in there and keep coming back. It works if you work it, so work it - you're worth it.