lostintheclouds

I signed up, here, because I wanted a place to share my personal struggle with drinking, and to seek advice, or at least to get the thoughts off my chest. Hello to everyone, here, and to those who might reach out and respond, thank you.

For most of my life, I've felt lost in my own thoughts, and have had difficulty concentrating on certain things - directions, classroom/work assignments, conversation that wasn't personally interesting to me. I could never quite tell if I had that difficulty because I had some sort of problem with my mind, or if it was just boring, and so I was either selfish with my thoughts, or simply lazy. When I was a child, before my teenage years, I was the class clown, wanting to joke and talk non-stop. After that, at some point, though, I got much more anxious in social situations, and even avoided things like parties.

Drinking seemed to fix all of that. After a few beers, the clouds seem to be lifted. I not only get a little dose of confidence, like most everyone seems to get, but anxieties, feelings of guilt (including feelings of guilt over the drinking itself) in general, all start to wash away. The problems are: I end up wanting that feeling in the middle of the day, and lie to family and others to go to bars to sneak in anywhere from 1 to many beers, and once I start feeling better while drinking, I'm afraid of that calm feeling going away, again, so I don't want to stop, even after 10+ drinks. The last incident was, as the title points out, just a couple of days ago.

So, in essence, off and on, I've been a functioning alcoholic for more than 5 years. Some weeks are relatively fine, only drinking on an evening or two with friends, and others, I'm binge drinking multiple times in a week. A number of things, even beyond what I just mentioned, are pointing me to the idea that I need to shut alcohol out, for an extended period of time, if not forever.

So, I guess my question is, what now? I know this is no place for a clinical diagnosis, but I consider seeking medication for ADD symptoms - I just don't know if I would end up feeling the same way about that kind of drug, with diminishing returns or side effects. I don't know that I like the idea of shutting out one drug in favor of another one, even if it is prescribed by a doctor instead of being self-medication. And, as far as tonight, goes - my family is hosting a NYE party. I'm obviously known as being the heavier drinker among the people coming, and when I drink, my personality changes from being fairly quiet, even grumpy, to being outgoing, talkative, and at least at first, fun. Tonight, if I stick to the plan, will be the first time I'm hanging out with people in a party-like environment while being sober in quite a while, and I'm concerned that I'm simply not going to like myself.

Anyway, thanks to anyone who read. If nothing else, it helped to be able to feel like I was talking to someone.

Happy Holidays!

biminiblue

That all sounds very familiar to me.

With sober TIME you will know if you need to be medicated in some other way. It took me a good nine months away from alcohol for everything to settle and for me to have control over my emotions and my thought processes. It takes a long time.

I was prescribed Adderall years ago when I had symptoms and a story like the one you just shared. Turns out I don't need it, so I don't take it. I liked it at first, but it has serious side effects. ADD is a very common issue with alcoholics/addicts - but it's hard to know what's really going on since there are major brain changes that happen with alcohol use disorder.

As far as the party, I would go very late and leave very quickly - or just not go this year. I mean, it's pretty much a drinking holiday - tough to bear in early sobriety.

lostintheclouds

Thank you for sharing I'm not alone with the thoughts about ADD - I know it's common for people with that sort of issue to end up using substances. I don't really want to jump into a drug, either - I just consider it, since I've been taking an even more damaging kind of "medicine" all these years.

As far as the party goes, well, it's being hosted at my house! I'm actually a little lucky there, though, because roughly half of the people coming don't, or at least rarely even drink. The issue won't be with peer pressure, I don't think, as much as just trying to stay confident and happy around all of the people.

resolute50

First off congratulations on recognizing there's a problem and choosing sobriety.
That is the first BIG step forward.
You picked a very hard night to start, but, it can be done.
You will find that over time anxiety will become less and less.
And you will be able to be just as funny and easy going with groups as you once were.
Alcohol only seems to help, as you said.
Shut it out forever, as trying to control drinking never really works.
Happy New Years!

biminiblue

When I got sober I had already quit taking all my prescription drugs.

My doctor had me on six or seven different meds, all anxiety, depression, and attention-deficit related. Then she thought it might be bipolar. COME ON. So I stopped all of them.

I was just done.

Turned out, removing alcohol was the ticket. But it takes time and the first few months were crazy for me. Now I have peace.

I made a decision to live my life in the body/brain I was given without drugs to "alter" my reality. It's sometimes difficult, sometimes glorious, but it's me and it's real and things work as designed. I have emotions. I have fears.

I am human.

Mizz

You seem very intuitive and know there is an underlying root. I do agree with giving yourself time to level out and see how you think and feel. You can then take many different approaches to find what is best suited for you.

A lot of us here have anxiety, depression, ADD and other coexisting scenarios that are exacerbated by using alcohol. Some of us use medications and some of us don't. Personally, I take the route of finding "tools" and natural remedies to help me through anxiety episodes.

Have a wonderful sober New Years Eve party!

nez

A lot of what you shared sounds just like me and my thoughts and feelings. I didn't like the non-drinking me, which is why I drank; but the thing is the drinking me wasn't the real me so what I liked wasn't real. It was a fictional facade.

I have never had a clinical diagnosis to determine if there were any underlying unlabeled issues, so I am on no medications; but today I like myself just the way I am. The way I learned about the authentic me, which I discovered was a good core product that just needed some finishing touches, was through recovery work. Recovery work was not a quick fix, like drinking was, but it has been a real fix, not a temporary fix, like drinking was.

I do a lot of computer troubleshooting and it was drilled into me to start with the simple things first, like turn the computer off and then turn the computer back on, is the issue resolved (this works in a lot cases) and if so, there is no reason to replace the motherboard as a fix.

I am glad that I tried recovery as my first troubleshooting step. It worked so there was no need to rush into more complicated solutions that overlooked the simple fix.

lostintheclouds

Thanks, to each you, for offering your thoughts and support.

I think the other part I'm struggling with is a matter of identity and pride. I think I dislike the idea of saying "this is bigger than I am," or "I am just broken, when it comes to this, as compared to most other people". I'm stubborn and prideful, and in the past, I've used that stubbornness to say things like "I'm just going to prove that it's mind over matter, and just because I like it more than other people do, it doesn't mean something is inherently broken in me. I just need to exercise better discipline, then I can be 'normal'." I just never stick to it, and more and more excuses pop up for why I should be allowed to drink more than is healthy or wise, and more than other people around me do. And, then, I remember the things I used to enjoy and do, before drinking became the default thought or activity, and I miss some of that. As much as I like myself after having a couple of drinks, I also miss things I used to like about myself.

So, I guess I need to try to use the stubbornness in a more healthy way, and think things like "sure, if I really tried at it, I might be able to moderate. But, really, I'll be a smarter, healthier person if I just stay away from it, and life is too short to let one external thing control so much of it." Even if it's not necessarily true that I could some day control and moderate drinking, I feel like I have to find a way to feel ok with myself, and not feel like I'm just some broken, inferior person.

Anyway, thank you again!

nez

My stubbornness can be one of my greatest tools if correctly used. I couldn't have come this far without it and because I am stubborn, I haven't come this far, to only come this far.

RAL

Hello and welcome to SR. You will never feel alone here

resolute50

I was sober for a year and a half. Tried to "moderate" and over time got worse than I was before. This last time in 2013 I went into it knowing I was done with alcohol.
If you spend enough time reading the forums you will see people return that have tried to moderate or have fallen back down the rabbit hole. And some never return and become a statistic. And that is a very sad thing.

Anna

Welcome lostintheclouds, I'm glad you posted.

I think, as others said, when you get some sober time in your life, you will have a much better idea if you feel like you have ADD and whether you should talk to a doctor about it. I hope that, as your sobriety continues, you begin to feel more calm. You might think about trying meditation. There are lots of good youtube videos which help teach and guide you through the process. I had to find ways to calm myself and it took time and patience.

Mizz

I don't like the idea of something being bigger than I can handle. I figure, I don't have to like it. I just need to learn to accept and move forward. It has taken me numerous times of relearning why I cannot drink.

I don't view myself as being broken. That word is not applicable to the esteem that I want to have for myself. Some things just do not work for some individuals and alcohol does not work for me for whatever reasons. I mean, I could carry on being an emotional, hungover and regretful version of myself or I can really put my best efforts forward and be the healthiest version of myself possible. I became real tired of being sick from alcohol and real tired of being tired.

That is not to say that I did not think like you did or have moments where doubt sets in. The first few weeks were a long ride of emotional upheaval, questioning etc.

You inherently know what to do and you will find your way! I believe in you. Not trying to make this about ME. I do apologize. Just trying to relate to your thought process.

lostintheclouds

Oh, no, I think hearing that other people experience similar issues - and not just from some chemical dependency standpoint, is good for me to hear. Thank you.