Pinky1

Please can anyone help me? I live in the UK. I'm 99 days sober today after a relapse in the summer. I've been to AA before and restarted when I got sober again. I've never had a sponsor or done the steps.
I have some numbers of a couple of ladies with longterm sobriety. I've messaged them a few times etc when I first went back in October.
I missed a few meetings before Christmas due to work commitments. When I went back after a couple of weeks I apologised to the lady from the Tuesday meeting. She seemed to cut me dead and just said "hope you have support numbers for if you need them" she then turned away and focused her attention on another member. I thought it was rude really. I then messaged the other lady a few days later explaining my absence, I also mentioned a few"personal" issues. I also wished her a good Christmas. She ignored my text.
I went to a meeting last night and saw both the ladies there. I said hello and they acknowledged me. I messaged the lady who ignored my previous text again and once again she's ignored me.
Is this how AA people are if you miss some meetings?
I don't want to go back. Personally I think it's rude. Am I being over sensitive though? They are the only 2 ladies there with longterm sobriety so I haven't got anyone else to ask about the steps etc

ScottFromWI

I would say it's rude as well, but it's also likely unfair to judge the merits of an entire program/group of people based on the actions of 2 individuals. Who knows what else might be going on in their lives as well. I am willing to bet that if you asked for the numbers of others at the meeting they would be happy and willing to share, or you could also try another meeting.

Anna

Yeah, I think the two ladies were rude, but if you think AA will be helpful to you, don't let this stop you. I'm not an AA person, but can you try other meetings so you have more women to choose from?

Erica375

Yes, those women were rude. I had similar experiences. Too much attention from the men (I'm not that pretty!) and snubs from the women.

But if you feel AA helps you, ignore them and keep going. Are there other meetings near you? Or maybe try online meetings? Don't let those rude women get in the way of your sobriety. Keep going and eventually you will find someone who is the right fit to be your sponsor. In the meantime, read the literature and do what you can on your own.

And congrats on 99 days!

Mizz

I do think this behavior you experienced is rude and not a behavior I would want to emulate.

If you have found that AA is helpful then perhaps you can seek out a different meeting? One where the woman are welcoming and accept you for where you are at.

Also, you do not have to explain your attendance or lack of attendance to anyone

Look up AA online and see if there is a Zoom meeting or another location that fits with you.

FreeOwl

I found it most helpful to focus less on individuals and more on the program's principles.

There are lots of individuals in AA who have been rude over the years. Turns out, AA is made up of individuals who are humans.... AND, they're also alcoholic / addict humans.... so, chances are better than average you're going to encounter some who rub you wrong. Changes are also better than average YOU will rub some people wrong.

Best response to that, I think, is just to keep quiet, keep going, keep listening. Also - get a Big Book and read it. Cover to cover. Twice, even.

I was first exposed to AA when I was sentenced to it. Then I was exposed again when I was sure I'd be sentenced to it again. Then I was exposed to it again when I finally turned to it a good decade later with an earnest desire to learn what it could teach me. And even THEN I wasn't so sure about it, but I became WILLING to give it my all.

From your comments, my encouragement to you is simply; work on being WILLING. Willing to go. Willing to listen. Willing to read. Willing to be honest with yourself. Willing to actually work the steps. AA is a program of action.

All that said, what I'm not sure of based on your original post is; do you want sobriety?

MantaLady

My only real experience of AA was when I self referred myself to rehab in Thailand being a UK person. When I came back after 2 months rehab to the UK I went to AA here as that was part of my recovery plan. I hated it. The people were clicky, the meeting was everyone just repeating slogans from the big book. If you find a good group and gel well AA can be a great support. For me AA in my area was just full of people full of themselves and didn’t work for me xx

turniptheheat

There are going to be different personalities in AA and I'm sorry to hear of what you've encountered so far. The best piece of advice I can offer, is to not worry about these women and try to find other meetings and women that will support you.

MantaLady

I know they say take what works for you and leave the rest. I found at UK AA I seemed to be putting up with behaviour that I had been taught in rehab was not ok. My meetings were full of people that liked the sound of their own voices and went on and on not really giving time for the rest of the room to speak. AA in Thailand was completely different, took me 10 meetings before I was comfortable to speak but the group was great. I have tried 9 different meetings in the UK and not liked any of them. SMART recovery online meetings worked better for me xx

FreeOwl

Take what works, leave the rest indeed.

Hey, have you read the Big Book?

MantaLady

Yes FreeOwl, got a lot of wisdom in it but the meetings I had access to kind of quashed the message. As an addict I needed to speak and connect and communicate. It was so important as part of my issue was being a people pleaser that never spoke out, just kept quiet while everyone else had their fill. In the early days when you are lost and looking for support it’s not so easy to say “control what I can, leave what I can’t and breathe”. You need support and people to teach you that. Well, that is what I needed anyhow x

stickyone

There will always be different types of personality when attending meetings. And yes some members to tend to click up and make it harder on new members sort of hazing. But every meeting is different so I wouldn't let a few bad looks push me away from attending meetings. Day but day follow your own road to recovery.

Delilah1

Hi Pinky,

I am sorry you had that experience, I also think that was rude. I didn’t attend many AA meetings, I went to a few back in 2012, but SR has really been my main support. If you find those meetings helpful then keep going and distance yourself from those ladies. There are always lots of people on here happy to support you.

I am proud of you for reaching out here, and for throwing yourself back until recovery!!

Keep up the great work Pinky!

❤️Delilah

snitch

I am so sorry you had that experience. Those women do not sound very spiritually fit to me and just because someone has long term sobriety that does not mean they are very well. Please do not let this experience put you off. You have as much right to be in an AA meeting as the next person. The only requirement to become a member is a desire to stop drinking.

🙏❤

snitch

I am in AA and I am in the UK, I am hally to offer support to you if you wish so tjen please pm me
xx

Vik88

Pinky, so sorry to hear that. i'm with snitch on this. they had no right to treat you that way..

AAPJ

I personally attend AA meetings almost every day and I am occasionally disappointed at how some members act. That said I have found some very good AA meetings to attend. It works for me.

Early on an AA old timer (SB) said that if you like everyone you met in AA you have not been to enough AA meetings.

That said unlike many of my fellow AAers who seem to believe that AA is the only path to recovery I think there are good paths to recovery other than AA. The SR forums are one possible alternative path.

If AA does not work for you that's fine but doing nothing is a path folks take and in my view it's not the right way to go. To me the question is if AA does not work for you what is the alternative path to sobriety/recovery that works for you?

Pinky1

Thank you everyone. I'm going to look into going to another meeting in a nearby town. With restrictions in the UK at present not all meetings are face to face here though.
I appreciate all of your replies and support. Thank you snitch I will send you a pm
Prayers to you all 🙏

least

I think those ladies were rude, but don't know the circumstances 'why' they were so cold to you.

I would find other meetings to go to, or online meetings. Don't let a few unfriendly people drive you away if you truly think AA is helping you.

Vik88

Prayer to you Pinky, were in this sickness together. The support is always here!