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Day 4

Old 12-30-2020, 06:54 AM
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Day 4

Still holding on. Was ok until early morning. Even made a trip to the grocery store, walked past the wine a little quicker than usual.

Early morning, lying in bed, mind started going. Haven't fully accepted the huge changes in my life, committing to my SO, retiring, moving...I miss my friends. Sometimes I miss suburban living with food delivery, grocery store a couple blocks...my new life, and it us pretty, it's 10.2 miles to the nearest store. I.5 hours to a mall. So I woke up questioning myself, which I now understand is a trigger for me to use wine to turn off the brain. It's hard not to feel stuck. I could leave, but it would take all I have to move again and start over.

I need to hang on to one day at a time, get back to thengym and plan for when the weather gets warm again so I can get outside more..

Thank you.
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Old 12-30-2020, 07:24 AM
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Hi Raeven,

Congrats on four days! For many people, early recovery is more challenging if they get sober while dealing with a lot of other changes as well. I am personally finding the opposite, that constructive life changes alongside early recovery helps me stay sober and feel good about it, although I think it's better not to change everything at once. I guess it really depends whether the changes are things we chose freely or stuff circumstances imposed. Did you choose those condition changes yourself and are now second-guessing yourself, or went along with things for some other purpose?

I often find acceptance challenging as well, when it means a compromise I am not entirely satisfied with. I believe it's probably tricky for most of us who struggled with addiction, because we often had a lot of denial and became so used to instant gratification, even if it wasn't truly satisfying. The reality though is that many things in life need to be compromises, and also that often we need to wait for something to become fruitful and fulfilling.

I also find that getting outside for at least an hour each day helps a lot, but even that has to be a compromise as on some days the weather is just too unpleasant for it. Oh well. I try to work out at home, which I still need to find real motivation for and rarely enjoy during, but usually feel better when it's done. I think it's important to find new, enjoyable activities in sobriety - have you thought about some for yourself in this condition?
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Old 12-30-2020, 07:26 AM
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With sobriety comes clarity, Raeven. It's perfectly ok to be having revelations at this stage. One day at a time is what worked for me
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Old 12-30-2020, 07:46 AM
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[QUOTE=Aellyce2;7565883]
thank you
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Old 12-30-2020, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Raeven58 View Post
Still holding on............

I need to hang on to one day at a time, get back to thengym and plan for when the weather gets warm again so I can get outside more..

Thank you.
Living remotely can be a challenge for sure. I understand it is cold where you are and don't know your age. Nevertheless, try and get out even for a walk or try a gentle jog 2 miles or so. Make that commitment to walk those two miles everyday no matter what, then build it up to a jog, then extend the distance a little more. Exercise (running) worked / works in what ever weather for me and building up the miles over the months has paid / and still pays dividends.
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Old 12-30-2020, 08:32 AM
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Raeven, you're doing great. Learning to sit with your feelings is challenging to say the least. But, it will get easier. It sounds like you have had some major changes to deal with, so be kind to yourself and take some time to adjust.
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Old 12-30-2020, 09:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Raeven58 View Post
Still holding on. Was ok until early morning. Even made a trip to the grocery store, walked past the wine a little quicker than usual.

Early morning, lying in bed, mind started going. Haven't fully accepted the huge changes in my life, committing to my SO, retiring, moving...I miss my friends. Sometimes I miss suburban living with food delivery, grocery store a couple blocks...my new life, and it us pretty, it's 10.2 miles to the nearest store. I.5 hours to a mall. So I woke up questioning myself, which I now understand is a trigger for me to use wine to turn off the brain. It's hard not to feel stuck. I could leave, but it would take all I have to move again and start over.

I need to hang on to one day at a time, get back to thengym and plan for when the weather gets warm again so I can get outside more..

Thank you.
Moving from a city to a place 10.2 miles to the nearest store is a rare blessing, in my view.

Our lives, our society, our world has lost touch with the simple wisdom of nature. We're out of place in cities. Overwhelmed and assaulted by an onslaught of illusion we begin to interpret as being more 'real' than it ever can be.

Maybe this is a fantastic opportunity for you to rediscover the ancient voice of the earth. Slow, observant walks in the woods are an incredibly powerful medicine.

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Old 12-30-2020, 09:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Dejvice View Post
Living remotely can be a challenge for sure. I understand it is cold where you are and don't know your age. Nevertheless, try and get out even for a walk or try a gentle jog 2 miles or so. Make that commitment to walk those two miles everyday no matter what, then build it up to a jog, then extend the distance a little more. Exercise (running) worked / works in what ever weather for me and building up the miles over the months has paid / and still pays dividends.
I'm 62, which is realitively young. I have 2 artificial knees, 2 artificial hips, and a plate in my leg hip 2 knee from fracturing my femur into 3 pieces just over 2 years ago. (complication from hip replacement). I'm lucky to walk without a cane most days, a jog will never happen. Walking on very uneven ground, with big, friendly dogs loose, is tough, almost got knocked over when I tried it, and me getting up off the ground or floor is like a profane demented game of twister. I've been using a step with a bar to improve my balance, it is getting better, hoping to be able to hike in the spring. At the gym I'm ok on a treadmill, I got for time, not distance, but I had a nasty cold so haven't been to the gym in a couple weekz. COVID makes everyone paranoid, plan to take back up next week.
appreciate the suggestion but it isn't feasible.. however I do try to get outside everyday,, if onky for a short time,, and have a lot of projects waiting when I feel a little better.
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Old 12-30-2020, 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
Moving from a city to a place 10.2 miles to the nearest store is a rare blessing, in my view.

Our lives, our society, our world has lost touch with the simple wisdom of nature. We're out of place in cities. Overwhelmed and assaulted by an onslaught of illusion we begin to interpret as being more 'real' than it ever can be.

Maybe this is a fantastic opportunity for you to rediscover the ancient voice of the earth. Slow, observant walks in the woods are an incredibly powerful medicine.
I thought that, I was in suburbs, almost a bedroom community, my commute was 49 miles each way, so I didn't think 10 miles would matter but I do miss the.socialization. no office, no neighbors, just us and the cats. Trying to get more involved in the community but it's the south. I went from a pretty decent job with a lot of responsibility and control to.a place where men aren't sure it's appropriate to shake hands with me,, and if the talk turns political it's like I'm not in the room.. that was a culture shock and is talking some getting used to..
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Old 12-30-2020, 12:28 PM
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I understand what you feel about the whole covid thing, i'm 32 and i get runny eyes and noise in this cold weather and have been having it since at least my teens. This might sound wrong but can you walk around in your place each day, have a tv on in the background ? Something nice on in the background, i do it sometimes. Just something to strenghten you.
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Old 12-30-2020, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Raeven58 View Post
I'm 62, which is realitively young. I have 2 artificial knees, 2 artificial hips, and a plate in my leg hip 2 knee from fracturing my femur into 3 pieces just over 2 years ago. (complication from hip replacement). I'm lucky to walk without a cane most days, a jog will never happen. Walking on very uneven ground, with big, friendly dogs loose, is tough, almost got knocked over when I tried it, and me getting up off the ground or floor is like a profane demented game of twister. I've been using a step with a bar to improve my balance, it is getting better, hoping to be able to hike in the spring.
I hear you, Raeven. 60 here, lower back held together by titanium rods an screws. Also grateful I can still walk, but no more running or jogging for me. I'm not supposed to put downward pressure on my spine.

And because of this I had to "retire" and I moved to a more rural area. It was 65 or so miles away from where I had been and I felt like I moved to a foreign country (I lived in a foreign country for 2 yrs in college. Aside from using the same language here, this move was harder.)

I do like the saying, " Bloom where you are planted," but some days I feel like I'm just a big ol' weed.
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Old 12-30-2020, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Erica375 View Post
I hear you, Raeven. 60 here, lower back held together by titanium rods an screws. Also grateful I can still walk, but no more running or jogging for me. I'm not supposed to put downward pressure on my spine.

And because of this I had to "retire" and I moved to a more rural area. It was 65 or so miles away from where I had been and I felt like I moved to a foreign country (I lived in a foreign country for 2 yrs in college. Aside from using the same language here, this move was harder.)

I do like the saying, " Bloom where you are planted," but some days I feel like I'm just a big ol' weed.
oh my, I am sorry, and completely understand, physical challenges are a trial. I try to be happy with what I can still do and not miss what I can not.
I'm 6 hours from where I was, it is like a different world. I too have traveled extensively. I often refer to my many scars as badges from a life well lived. I'll adjust, I always have. I felt a bit sorry for myself this morning. I think the alcohol has made coping harder by covering up my angst.
anyone who can wrican with the compassion you did is not a weed but a strong beautiful sun flower always tracking the light..
be well...
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Old 12-30-2020, 04:38 PM
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Change is scary Raeven but I hope you'll come to think of your new place as 'home'

D
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Old 12-30-2020, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Raeven58 View Post
I thought that, I was in suburbs, almost a bedroom community, my commute was 49 miles each way, so I didn't think 10 miles would matter but I do miss the.socialization. no office, no neighbors, just us and the cats. Trying to get more involved in the community but it's the south. I went from a pretty decent job with a lot of responsibility and control to.a place where men aren't sure it's appropriate to shake hands with me,, and if the talk turns political it's like I'm not in the room.. that was a culture shock and is talking some getting used to..
Yeah I can relate to that.... being THAT isolated can be very isolating indeed. I moved out of my small town a few years ago. We live out about 10 miles as well, but then I have 4 children and a dog so there's always someone around!!

I wonder what might unfold for you if you were to use this almost as a 'retreat'. Spend some time in really focused meditation. Develop a routine of planned solitude.... meditation on a schedule, a couple walks in the woods each day... journaling..... pick a half dozen books that are introspective and challenge you to explore your inner wisdom... what might be revealed to you if you fully embrace this opportunity for solace.

Just riffing. I don't mean to minimize your sense of challenge with your circumstance.... just offering some thoughts that may get you considering ways to use it to your advantage and for your growth.

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Old 12-30-2020, 05:36 PM
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You're doing great Raeven, especially considering all the change happening in your life. Just work on your recovery for now, try to enjoy the peace and quiet, and nature, and things will fall into place. Lots of really great thoughts from the others here too. We all care about you.
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Old 12-30-2020, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
I don't mean to minimize your sense of challenge with your circumstance.... just offering some thoughts that may get you considering ways to use it to your advantage and for your growth.
thank you , when it was warm I was outside every evening,, have a propane fireplace on the porch and it is relaxing, but not very warm. We are on sboutb3 acres, I have a firepit, chairs, solar lights windchimes and candles set up at the woodbine, just out of sight if the house. But again, not liking the cold. I can walk the property some, there are hiking paths and a state park 30 to 45 minutes away. I have hope to continue building back my balance then getting out when the weather breaks.
I really appreciate the closing words. When I read my post, then others stories, I felt like I have been very fortunate, my situation is nothing compared to.so many here. While that is helpful, I need to not minimize my struggles. The fact I was high functioning maybe allowed me to do it longer. I believe, as my.fourth day ends, I've escaped the physical withdrawal, but one more binge could change that.
I'm having a hard time letting go of the release, but I'm not able to stop at release, I stop when the bottle is empty.
Be well, thank you
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Old 12-30-2020, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Raeven58 View Post
Still holding on. Was ok until early morning. Even made a trip to the grocery store, walked past the wine a little quicker than usual.

Early morning, lying in bed, mind started going. Haven't fully accepted the huge changes in my life, committing to my SO, retiring, moving...I miss my friends. Sometimes I miss suburban living with food delivery, grocery store a couple blocks...my new life, and it us pretty, it's 10.2 miles to the nearest store. I.5 hours to a mall. So I woke up questioning myself, which I now understand is a trigger for me to use wine to turn off the brain. It's hard not to feel stuck. I could leave, but it would take all I have to move again and start over.

I need to hang on to one day at a time, get back to thengym and plan for when the weather gets warm again so I can get outside more..

Thank you.

My trigger is being in the big city or suburban living. Green acres are the place for me.

To each their own.

Good job on 4 days. That first week is a mother hoocher.
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Old 12-31-2020, 04:28 AM
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I’d just like to add that after awhile and the timeframe is different for everyone, the mind racing slows down at night one you’ve been sober awhile. A lot of us knew alcohol can cause some anxiety. I was surprised at just how much for myself! I’ve always had a racing mind to begin with and the nightly release....sure it dulled it for a couple hours, before a blackout, but it was back with vengeance as soon it wore off. So there can still be a nightly relaxation ritual but choose something else. I couldn’t sleep for three weeks, then I got some sleep,I’m closing in on two years and sleep is awesome. I still have restless nights during stressful life things....interviews, pet loss, but I functioned and processed better than on the bottle.

I could suggest a warm herbal tea. So many flavors! Or a fresh sparkling water before bed!
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Old 12-31-2020, 04:58 AM
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Originally Posted by tornrealization View Post
I’d just like to add that after awhile and the timeframe is different for everyone, the mind racing slows down at night one you’ve been sober awhile. A lot of us knew alcohol can cause some anxiety. I was surprised at just how much for myself! I’ve always had a racing mind to begin with and the nightly release....sure it dulled it for a couple hours, before a blackout, but it was back with vengeance as soon it wore off. So there can still be a nightly relaxation ritual but choose something else. I couldn’t sleep for three weeks, then I got some sleep,I’m closing in on two years and sleep is awesome. I still have restless nights during stressful life things....interviews, pet loss, but I functioned and processed better than on the bottle.

I could suggest a warm herbal tea. So many flavors! Or a fresh sparkling water before bed!
thanks, I've been trying herbal tea
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Old 12-31-2020, 05:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Raeven58 View Post
Still holding on. Was ok until early morning. Even made a trip to the grocery store, walked past the wine a little quicker than usual.

Early morning, lying in bed, mind started going. Haven't fully accepted the huge changes in my life, committing to my SO, retiring, moving...I miss my friends. Sometimes I miss suburban living with food delivery, grocery store a couple blocks...my new life, and it us pretty, it's 10.2 miles to the nearest store. I.5 hours to a mall. So I woke up questioning myself, which I now understand is a trigger for me to use wine to turn off the brain. It's hard not to feel stuck. I could leave, but it would take all I have to move again and start over.

I need to hang on to one day at a time, get back to thengym and plan for when the weather gets warm again so I can get outside more..

Thank you.
Well done! That's a great achievement. I would love to live out in the open. I love the country life.

Looking forward to seeing more days on your sobriety calander.

Happy Sober New Year.
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