WindPines

Good morning all,

I just have to write this down somewhere, and I think it would be best if I wrote it in a space where people can see it. I hear that we're only as sick as our secrets.
I hadn't drank in 17 days before yesterday. That's HUGE for me. I wasn't white knuckling it, but I wasn't attending meetings or writing about it either. I was going to the gym, working out, bonding with my parents again, and just simply living. I wasn't feeling like crap, sleep deprived and grouchy...
And then I picked up.
I know it's "only 17 days," but that was a huge accomplishment to me.
I believe that I know what triggered me to drink. A friend came over. Any time he is around, we drink. He's very pushy (not about drinking, but just in general.) I honestly didn't even want him to come around, but he would not stop texting and calling, saying he's coming over.
Anyhow, now that I know that that's possibly what triggered me to drink, I can be more cautious.
Anyhow, thanks all for reading.
I needed to confess it.
I just can't help but feel REALLY irritated with myself, and guilty.

biminiblue

Use those feelings to push forward in healthier ways.

I think many alcoholics have the people-pleaser disease on top of alcohol problems. They seem to go hand-in-glove.

I stayed well away from drinkers in early sobriety. I would tell this guy I quit drinking. Be firm.

BrianK

I feel what you're saying about pushy friends. Not that they're bullies, but there's an aggressive nature that puts our internal defenses on alert, at least for me. Like my spiritual muscles are tensed when I'm around them and when they leave there's a sense of relief, confusion, imbalance...conjuring that in my mind makes me think of a drink. And it's hard to say, "Ok, this is a feeling I'm having that will pass, this is not me as such." At least that's what I'm picking up from what you're saying.

All the best, and thanks for writing it down and putting it out there! That helps me sometimes too.

Mizz

Triggers. Yes, I have them. We all have them.

You have learned something about yourself. You have not lost your sober time. It is still there. No one can take that away from you. All the positive behaviors are still there as well. So, now you move forward armed with more information and "IF" this comes up again you will know what to do.

Keep moving forward!

tomls

There were some people that I used to drink with that when we got together it was on! I don't see those people any more.

Jillga

Windpines...I know what you are feeling. I have relapsed many times, unfortunately. One thing I learned for myself is that if I continue to regret, beat myself up, sit in anger that I blew it again, I am going to pick up again. I am *trying* to learn to say, "Well, that was a mistake. That was yesterday and that is gone. What new tools do I have now to do a little better today?" Sounds like you have a pretty big tool, so move forward in new knowledge! You have 17 days!! You experienced a miracle! Keep it going!!

Sober45

Before this quit I obsessed a lot about a previous 53 day quit I did....it was my longest until now. I have a year sober now but I really feel I needed that 53 quit + relapse to help me see the light. You learned a lot in those 17 days. Keep building. Once you have some really significant sober time, alcohol cravings will be a thing of the past. You can do this!

Anna

It sounds like you are doing lots of good things to help support your sobriety.

For me, I had to learn to say 'No' and to remove some people from my life. Maybe you could consider distancing yourself from your friend for awhile, until you feel more confident. You can do this!

aasharon90

You shared that when your friend comes over then
the 2 of you drink. Did he bring alcohol to your home?

Steely

Congratulations on 17 days WindPines. An awesome achievement and demonstrates how much you do want to stop.

This is part of the 'learning' for you WindPines. Pick yourself up and get back to what you really want. A sober life. It is so much better.

Learning to say No to someone will be of enormous benefit, and will make you stronger in your resolve. Firstly, and most importantly, it's about saying No to alcohol, but along the way we learn to say No to many things that get in the way of our growth.

Don't be angry with yourself, all of us have relapsed. We learn, and that's a good thing.

Hope to see you around.

RAL

What Anna said. It is so important to learn to say no to people. If he turns up again you don't have to let him in. Just ignore him.

DriGuy

I remember when I committed to life long sobriety having to make plans for pushy friends and relatives. I had two options that I could see. I could push back and refuse to drink, or I could avoid them. I wasn't sure if I had the strength to push back, so I decided to avoid them, at least until I had my feet under me. Now how about accidentally ending up at a party where everyone is drinking? The answer is to leave. You came with a friend? Never do that. You should drive so you have a way out. Always take your own transportation. But what are you going to say to everyone? Don't say anything. What reason do you have to explain yourself? This is about your sobriety, and in all life situations you can possibly imagine, friends, parties, deaths, marriages, breakups, etc., your sobriety takes precedence over everything else in your life. Are there no exceptions? No, none. You learn to do this, and you will begin your recovery.

It won't always be that way, at least it wasn't in my case. After a few years I was strong enough to be around drunks, although I can no longer think of a reason why I would want that. You also develop a clearer perspective of what's important to you. But early on, you have to be all in, and there is no half way.

nez

Triggers are rendered into innocuous mechanisms if there is no live ammunition in the gun. I needed to clear my head of all live ammunition. Thoughts such as "it will be fun", "I don't deserve to be treated this way", "I can't do this", "why me", "I am hopeless". There were lots of live rounds in my head and it took a lot of work, but my life is peaceful today without the loud retorts of gun shots and just the mere clicking sound of an empty chamber instead.

BrianK

I'm copying this down and meditating on it daily going forward. Thank you!

PalmerSage

Nez, that is such an amazing way to put it!!!

I agree that putting a halt to romantic drinking thoughts was one of the most important steps I had to take in early sobriety. Every time one surfaced, I had a negative memory of drinking to counteract it with, and shut down the fantasy as quickly as possible. It can be really hard to stand up to pushy people, but we absolutely must avoid them at all costs and if we MUST see them (although this is almost never the case), we have to be unequivocal in our boundaries. It does get SO much easier over time.

FreeOwl

Well done, confessing. That's pretty critical, in my experience.

We definitely don't make progress healing while we're hiding, isolating, lying and shaming.

Congratulations on 17 days! That's a fantastic foundation and a wonderful start to a sobriety journey.

As you pointed out, just 'not drinking' doesn't really get you where you're seeking.

What I hear in your post is the seeking for a sober life.... the seeking voice saying "I am ready for a better way of living...."

The great news is, that voice is still there and this experience of failure you're facing is totally normal. Don't let the voice of shame and failure jump in and tell you things like 'screw it, may as well keep drinking' or 'you're no good' or 'see?? you'll NEVER pull this off'.

Instead, focus on the voice that says "wow.... 17 days!!! we DID that!! it is TOTALLY possible!!! What an accomplishment!! Time now to get back to that path, and this time, to embrace if more fully with tools of recovery".

You can do this.