BrianK

Hungover and ashamed. I've been given a good life. But when the switch in my brain flips and I even think I might be able to just have a couple, I binge, go crazy, post nonsense online, drive, crazy. I emailed a friend to ask him to work with me on the steps. I've been struggling 20 years with this. 42 now. No longer going to offer my opinion on how to stay sober. Also going to try following current issues and discussion less. I could be doing so much more for so many others and here I am hungover and a drain on the world. I'm also asking family and friends to call and check on me because I don't trust myself to call others yet. Just typing all this feels like a step forward.

nez

Congrats on this step forward. Keep making steps forward.

There were two guys fishing in a small boat in the middle of a high mountain lake, when a storm started to blow in quickly. They figured they best get to shore fast, but try as they might they couldn't get the outboard motor started. The one fisherman turned to the other and said "Let us pray brother." The guy handed him an oar and said "I already did and God answered. He said to row while we pray."

Mizz

HELLO!
I do know the feelings you are having right now. I am sorry you are in this emotional/ mental place. I have been there more times than I am able to count.

You are taking the right steps here. Sobriety is not linear. Sometimes we need to fall down a few times. Experience intense emotions at times. Its all a learning process. I have learned and relearned a lot.

One step at a time with healthy behavior. You logged on here. You called your family. Maybe look into a plan as to how you are going to keep yourself sober tomorrow. For me, I needed to plan out my evenings. Drink tea, take bath, log onto sr, watch movie, sleep....etc.

You can do this! Stay close to SR. We are all here for one another.

advbike

Welcome back Brian. You know you can do this. I looked back at some of your posts from 2019 and they were very insightful, so clearly you have the self-awareness you need, you are not in denial of the problem. You just need to take the actions necessary to permanently quit. I would suggest you start by observing your thoughts - what triggers you? What sort of attachment to do have to alcohol? What causes you to want the buzz? And what happens when you drink? Learn to play that tape through when your AV talks to you. Realize the painful consequences you will suffer. Make a real commitment to end it.

Then find a method that works - AA, AVRT, regular posting here on SR for accountability, maybe all of the above for awhile.

You have to take action appropriate to the scale of the problem.

Anna

Welcome, and this is a good step forward for you. This can be a great Christmas gift to yourself.

Steely

It is a step forward Brian, and really glad you've found us.

Alcohol can really do a number on us, I know. All here do. The blackout texting, the shame, the guilt, the sick 'til we can't stand it anymore, yet sometimes we do, come back to give it another shot. Fail.

The thinking that just 1 won't hurt, but it does. It sets up our brain to have another. And then another.....

I clocked up 12 months about a week ago Brian, after many years of trying. It is so much better.

This can be yours too, and hope you continue to post.

slayingthedrago

Brian- I was right where you are right now ONLY 1 week ago. I have 9 days sober under my belt and I feel hopeful and so much better already. My brain was scrambled, I couldn't think straight I was questioning why I was even sticking around and my 20 year old son drove me to the ER. I have a looong way to go, I know that, but the only wisdom I have right now is do not drink. If I can do it, you can do it.

Dee74

Welcome back BrianK

I think we get to a point where that thought of we can have just a couple becomes ridiculous. We have a mountain of evidence is says it’s not going to be okay and I think recovery starts when we accept that?

as for expressing opinions on how to be or stay sober, the more I helped other people tomorrow to help myself I knew want to do it was just a process of getting myself to do those things

D

BrianK

Thank you so much everyone! I'm going to confession tonight and contacted a friend in AA to go to a meeting after. I still have a sense of fear in my chest and think it's probably also from smoking last night. I actually do have a pretty awesome life, enjoyable activities, wonderful community, and a secure job. It's like I have this sneaky ugliness inside me that wants to play fast and loose with all the good things in my life, like "I don't get my fair share", when I've been given more than I dared ask for. All your positivity really lifts my spirits. Reading your posts feels like medicine.

FreeOwl

Boy can I relate to everything you said. I'm 48. At 42 I was about a year sober and only JUST beginning to really unwind the chaos and really get into depth with recovery.

I had struggled with it for most of my life.... since age of 14.....

You can break free.... don't give up... start STARTING on earnest sobriety. And I don't mean "not drinking" - I mean "BUILDING THE LIFE YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF - as a sober human being".

You can.

FreeOwl

Hey... have you read the Big Book of AA?

You can get it online... I actually prefer the actual old school book..... but the online is available immediately. I recommend reading it. Cover to cover. Especially the personal accounts in the second half.

I resisted that for many years. When I finally became truly willing, I read it... and then I read it again... and a third time... and many references to it ever since. But for me it was really a potent tool. Not that I agreed with or found everything in it to fit my experience... and even some of it I was really averse to.... but regardless it gave me a physical, simple, always-there thing to DO as a recovery action. It became a sort of 'higher power' or at least was on a list of things that represented 'higher power' to me.....

Another thing that I found really really helpful was making a clear list of people - celebrities, rock stars, family members and people in my community who I really looked up to who were sober. I made that list and I consulted it daily and I searched for others.... because I needed ammunition to combat my inner addictive voice wanting to tell me how I'd never be cool, never have fun, not be 'as good as' others..... etc etc etc..... I needed evidence that was all baloney and I needed inspiration. People to look to, talk to and emulate. I needed to recast the vision of myself and who I wanted to be in very clear terms.

Maybe that would be helpful for you too.

You can do this.

anxiousrock

I know so well how you feel.
But, you can do this .
focus focus focus. Now if only I could take my own advice.

Jillga

Mizz P, thank you for your post. It encouraged me--I'm on day 6 for about the 100th time!

Jillga

Steely, What were some turning points for you? I just had 5 months and blew it again. I am back up, but really sad I fell again. Jill

Jillga

Brian, I am with you! I have been a chronic relapser for 9 years. I just had 5 months and blew it again. I have been deeply entrenched in AA, sponsor, steps, service, HP, etc...I am beginning to wonder if I am one of those "unfortunates." I know I am an alcoholic, it has destroyed my life. I am on day 6--AGAIN.

Hevyn

Brian - I'm glad you are ready to get free. Stay with us & keep posting - you're never alone, & this can definitely be your last Day 1.

BrianK

Thanks FreeOwl! I do have a big book. I'm going to get back to it. The first time I read it years ago it blew me away because it described my behavior so well. I'm going to read it first thing tomorrow morning.

BrianK

Thank you Jill! The longest I've been sober is 90 days in the past 20 years. And that was only 1 time. Today was surreal. Everyone I've interacted with has been kind and forgiving to me. It's like God put these people here because He knew I wouldn't be kind to myself today.

FreeOwl

Congratulations on getting 5 months!!

I had a 5 months-then-failed too, back before I came here and I'm now almost 7 years sober.

During that 5 months then failed stint, I had been using marijuana the whole time... and I'm convinced that's what led me back to relapse. Which is why, right now, after a good part of the last year allowing cannabis back into my life, I'm back on the no alcohol / no cannabis / no substances not prescribed (I do have some mental health issues that I'm working with my doctor to sort out through meds).

Anyway, my point is - 5 months is a fantastic foundation to build your return to sobriety on, despite a fallback.

You can do this.

thomas11

Do you like being sober?