I am an addict.
 

I am an addict.And this is the first time I’ve admitted that to anyone. I was hoping for some advice and to find out just how bad I am.

First off I’ll say I have never used illegal drugs, it’s all been prescribed. I go to pain management.

Im currently legally prescribed (for several injuries I’ve had over the past few years, that are truly painful), and for Bipolar I.

15 mg oxycodone, suppose to take 4 a day
20 mg OxyContin, 2 a day
600 mg seroquel at night
2 mg clonozapam, one in morning and one at night
10mg flexeril sometimes

But it’s not enough. I live with people who take some of the same medications, and given the chance I’ll steal it. I even resort to pouring Benadryl down my throat trying to get myself high. I overtake my meds terrible, it’s nothing for me to take 8 oxycodones, 4-5 clonazepams and 6 seroquel a day. I went through a whole bottle of 60 in 10 days, I’ll be at least 2 weeks without them now. Sometimes I make up a stupid sob story to my parents, who I live with, on why I’ve run so short on meds. I have them convinced the pharmacist is shorting us, or I misplaced it, etc.

What bothers me is I’m taking all these meds and still don’t get very high. And that’s what I want, if I’m resorting to stealing and taking Benadryl and anything else I can, I’m still alive.

Theres no doubt what kind of addict I am, and I have not told anyone in my life about this. Any chiming in is appreciated.

Tess

I think it’s great you have decide you have a problem and reach out.
personally doesn’t matter to me how and why you have pills. Addiction from ilegal substances also stems from somewhere. For me it was alcohol which is widely available and promoted, started a glass to relax, 2 glasses, 1bottle and so on until is was controlling my life and I was no longer me.

if you can I would strongly suggest the first step would to be to seek medical help to start weaning down. I don’t have experience with pills or drugs personally but alcohol detox can be a very dangerous thing if people go “cold turkey”.
the next step would be dealing with the emotions in whatever way works for you. Counselling, NA, can even join AA if you prefer. Most meetings would have no problem allowing someone with pill problem as opposed to alcohol if you found the right people for you. There are many recovery service to chose from, those are just the more commonly known ones.

It’s not an easy journey but just about everyone who has had problems with substances couldn’t see a way without them. Be we find it.

Now is a great time to stop! Maybe start by being honest with a doctor for detoxing or a true taper. Glad you are on SR!

Welcome to the family Tess. :) First thing I'd suggest would be to get your doctor's help in getting safely off the meds. Counseling/therapy might be helpful also to discover why you're driven to take so many drugs.

I hope we can help you get clean for good. :hug:

Welcome and I'm glad you know you are addicted. I agree that talking to the doctor who is prescribing the medications to you and get a plan to stop. And, I agree with Buttery's suggestion to go to NA meetings or begin talking with a counsellor to help you manage your emotions as you begin your recovery.

There is lots of support here so keep reading and posting. :)

It really doesn't matter if its legal or not. Isn't it pretty much a different way of taking heroin? The legal status is only the who and how money is made.

Find a doctor you can trust and be honest.

Thank y’all for taking the time to answer me 🙂
I just feel like I’m a horrible addict and it’s controlling me, I’ve been on pills many years and it’s like all I care about is trying to get high, on any means I can, whether it’s inhaling all my pills or stealing given the chance.
if anyone can run through all the meds I’m taking in my original post, I’d like to know how bad I really am.
like all of you have said, maybe tapering and being honest with a doc is a good idea...I’m out of work too because of the injuries, so more time to be high...

i don’t know “how bad” you really are, Tess.
what i do know is that i could always find others worse, much worse, than i was.
that ridiculous comparing gave me ongoing excuses to keep going.
i was “bad enough” to want to stop and found i couldn’t.

you will need to decide if you want to stop, and then decide on a course of action on how to do that safely.

Hi tess and welcome :)

I don't think you're a horrible anything - just a good person who got hooked on a legitimate pain med.
There's some good advice above. I think maybe the first step is coming clean to your doctor?

D

no one on here can diagnose how bad it really is. Only a doctor... we can offer support and listen (or read) here. Some amazing posts and a great place to get stuff off your chest.

in terms of how bad it is I drank 1 bottle of wine a day when I first sought help. I met people who were on 1l of vodka a day and still walking around and was shocked. Fast forward a few years I probably could have managed the 1l of vodka. So in terms of how bad it was it was I would say it was all bad but just got worse. I visited my gp,did detox treatment, group therapy, 1-1, AA, ended up in the Ed numerous times until one day that was it and I was done. I had been told that I was not going to make it 10 more years the way I was going. Suddenly made some changes, it clicked in my head how serious it had become and the implications and put in the effort. I’m now over 1 year sober and life just feels so much easier and I’m happy.

im just sharing a little or my story so you can see how the problem is individual and you can get better but it can always get worse if you don’t take action.

Welcome to SR! You will find lots of support on here! I think you should definitely talk to your doctor about the amount of medication you’ve been taking, they can help you safely wean off and also help you determine which medications are necessary to continue to treat the bipolar.

You can do this.

Is it bad enough yet, or are you going to let it get worse?

I ended up OD’ing once. I also once woke in my own vomit from too many bars.

Two clear paths ahead of you. One of them is where you end up completely strung out IF YOU ARE LUCKY. The other path is you woman-up. Do something drastic to save your life. Sit your parents down and come clean. Tell them you need help, then be ready to follow some direction from people that can help. See your med doctor and get your butt into a rehab or 12-step program. Our friend on the boards (Stickyone) also battled a pill addiction. He made one call to his doctor, fessed up and I think he’s around 9-12 months sober today. It all starts with one step, letting out the secret and the decision to face it. What the hell else you have better to do...die on the couch in an overdose? Think it can’t happen to you? One day it’s too much and that’s it.

Sounds like you want to stop.

Accepting oneself as an addict is one of the first key steps in beginning a new life recovering. The 2nd vital step is action. There is a reason the chapter in the book AA is called “into action”.

I'm an addict
 

Testing

I'm an addict
 

Tess, I'm not a doctor, but you are taking a pretty heavy cocktail there. Opioids; benzos; anti psychotic, and the flexeril, which I know little about.

Do you drink on top?

Also snorting, thinking about stealing, lying about use. Tess, this constitutes a pretty big problem in my view, and is going to take concerted effort on your part to taper off slowly, safely. I think you will need a medical detox.

"Bad", is the wrong word Tess, but I reckon you have a pretty big problem, wouldn't you agree? But not one that cannot be resolved. Sounds like you have been in a LOT of pain, and easy to fall into the trap. Do you take the opiods to get "high", or to suppress the pain?

Benzos are difficult to get off for some people Tess, please know this, it happened to me.

Honestly believe you will need medically supervised detox Tess. Is your 'pain specialist' approachable? Should be on this count.

Really good that you have made this first 'admission' and recognise you have a problem. You do Tess. This is the first step forward.

You need to talk with your doctor Tess, don't jump of these drugs unsupervised.

It can be done.

Steely 💜

Thank you all SO much for your input, I know I have to do something, but I’m very scared—of not having the pills to fall back on.

Tess

You are not a bad person and addiction is not a character flaw. We can't tell you how bad of an addict you are. The main thing is that you want to stop. And, of course, it's scary, but you can do it. Many of us here have done it. :)

Fear is what keeps us stuck in the same place. Maybe find a way to turn that fear around. Maybe you can be more scared of turning into a junkie, or losing your life, or simply wasting life away.

Not a single person here will tell you it will be easy. But one thing seems to be true for everyone. Once you first admit the problem to people that care about you, a great weight is lifted. No more hiding in the dark. No more doing it all alone. Getting those pills and taking them and recovering from them and lying about them—that’s a lot of darn work and I bet it’s exhausting. Give yourself a chance. Make a call. The truth will set you free. And the word addict, big damn deal. I’m an alcoholic drunk, pill-popping coke snorter. But I quit doing that crap, for good, 5 months ago. So today, I’m also clean and sober. Join me?

Not a bad person! These drugs are scary because these pills help you, but they are so, so addictive:( many people can't control the use of them.