Hello from NC
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 21
Hello from NC
Hey everyone,
This is my first post and just wanted to give some background about myself. First off, I'm an alcoholic. It took me the longest time to actually admit that to myself. I started off drinking in college and didn't think I had a problem then and who knows...maybe I could have stopped if I wanted to of my own volition. Famous last words I guess for what alcoholic really wants to stop until it's too late?
Anyway fast forward, I had "controlled" drinking for the next 10+ years with occasional binges and finding myself (or my wife finding me) passed out on the couch. I never got in trouble at work or with the law so I didn't think much of it. I have always had friends that drank more than I did so I was able to justify to myself that I didn't have a problem.
In retrospect my drinking started to gradually get out of control in 2018....my older sister OD'd on heroin in January of that year and it absolutely crushed me. She had been in NA herself and I was there for her getting her 3 year chip (several years prior to this). I have 2 older brothers also who did not see this coming (one of which has been sober since '03 and another who is still in active alcoholism despite multiple stints in rehab). We all knew that she had slipped a bit and started drinking again but none of us suspected she was back into it as far as she was. Hindsight is 20/20 and I partly blame myself....we all do.
I never fully processed this and used alcohol to cope. The change was gradual over the next months to years but I found myself using more and more excuses to drink. When I did drink I could never get enough, it would always be anywhere from 8-12 beers until I passed out, and I'd be worthless the next day. I promised myself I'd never show up to work hung over or drive when I shouldn't.
During 2020 and the COVID lockdown I continued down this path and at some point I started breaking my own "never" rules and knew I had crossed the line to chemical dependency. I also had my first experience with real withdrawal after drinking 8-10 beers every day for a week where I felt like all my nerves were screaming and I would have a seizure or a stroke at any minute. It scared the **** out of me and I promised myself I'd never drink again. Who in there right mind would drink after that? Well....it turns out that was me two weeks later as soon as I had an argument with my wife over I don't know what.
I then tried "controlled" drinking for another few weeks until I had another scare with withdrawals. I chugged 2 beers in rapid succession to make the uncomfortable feelings go away and it did for an hour or so...but then the unthinkable. The feelings came back in full force and I was more scared than I've ever been in my life. I lay on my bed on a Saturday morning at 10:00 am when most people are ready to enjoy their weekend fearing for my life and praying to God to let me die because I deserved it. I promised that if I ever lived through this I'd never drink again. It turns out I didn't die (after drinking more later that day to keep the withdrawal away).
After this event was my first real try at sobriety on 10/17/2020. I made it 3 weeks and made the mistake of surrounding myself with my wife's friends who drink even more than I did when we were on vacation. To be fair, my wife drinks maybe 1-2 drinks 3-4 times per year and does not have a problem nor did she know her friends partied like that. After drinking for 2 days during this time, I knew I had made a mistake and when I sobered up I knew that I was done for good.
I took my last drink 11/7/2020 and have been sober for 39 days to the hour (but who's counting right?). I know I'll never drink again because something is different this time. I feel like I have my life back and my relationship with my wife is healing. Today was the first day in several weeks I thought about drinking and I know it's because I'm stressed out at work. That is how I found this site surfing the web at 4 am because my sleep is still terrible. But I didn't drink and wont because you know what? I was sober yesterday so I know I can stay sober today...one day at a time.
Sorry for the insanely long post so thank you all for hopefully reading it.
Here's to 39 days sober!!! Looking forward to 1 year as my next milestone and I know I'll get there one day at a time as long as I don't take a drink today,
This is my first post and just wanted to give some background about myself. First off, I'm an alcoholic. It took me the longest time to actually admit that to myself. I started off drinking in college and didn't think I had a problem then and who knows...maybe I could have stopped if I wanted to of my own volition. Famous last words I guess for what alcoholic really wants to stop until it's too late?
Anyway fast forward, I had "controlled" drinking for the next 10+ years with occasional binges and finding myself (or my wife finding me) passed out on the couch. I never got in trouble at work or with the law so I didn't think much of it. I have always had friends that drank more than I did so I was able to justify to myself that I didn't have a problem.
In retrospect my drinking started to gradually get out of control in 2018....my older sister OD'd on heroin in January of that year and it absolutely crushed me. She had been in NA herself and I was there for her getting her 3 year chip (several years prior to this). I have 2 older brothers also who did not see this coming (one of which has been sober since '03 and another who is still in active alcoholism despite multiple stints in rehab). We all knew that she had slipped a bit and started drinking again but none of us suspected she was back into it as far as she was. Hindsight is 20/20 and I partly blame myself....we all do.
I never fully processed this and used alcohol to cope. The change was gradual over the next months to years but I found myself using more and more excuses to drink. When I did drink I could never get enough, it would always be anywhere from 8-12 beers until I passed out, and I'd be worthless the next day. I promised myself I'd never show up to work hung over or drive when I shouldn't.
During 2020 and the COVID lockdown I continued down this path and at some point I started breaking my own "never" rules and knew I had crossed the line to chemical dependency. I also had my first experience with real withdrawal after drinking 8-10 beers every day for a week where I felt like all my nerves were screaming and I would have a seizure or a stroke at any minute. It scared the **** out of me and I promised myself I'd never drink again. Who in there right mind would drink after that? Well....it turns out that was me two weeks later as soon as I had an argument with my wife over I don't know what.
I then tried "controlled" drinking for another few weeks until I had another scare with withdrawals. I chugged 2 beers in rapid succession to make the uncomfortable feelings go away and it did for an hour or so...but then the unthinkable. The feelings came back in full force and I was more scared than I've ever been in my life. I lay on my bed on a Saturday morning at 10:00 am when most people are ready to enjoy their weekend fearing for my life and praying to God to let me die because I deserved it. I promised that if I ever lived through this I'd never drink again. It turns out I didn't die (after drinking more later that day to keep the withdrawal away).
After this event was my first real try at sobriety on 10/17/2020. I made it 3 weeks and made the mistake of surrounding myself with my wife's friends who drink even more than I did when we were on vacation. To be fair, my wife drinks maybe 1-2 drinks 3-4 times per year and does not have a problem nor did she know her friends partied like that. After drinking for 2 days during this time, I knew I had made a mistake and when I sobered up I knew that I was done for good.
I took my last drink 11/7/2020 and have been sober for 39 days to the hour (but who's counting right?). I know I'll never drink again because something is different this time. I feel like I have my life back and my relationship with my wife is healing. Today was the first day in several weeks I thought about drinking and I know it's because I'm stressed out at work. That is how I found this site surfing the web at 4 am because my sleep is still terrible. But I didn't drink and wont because you know what? I was sober yesterday so I know I can stay sober today...one day at a time.
Sorry for the insanely long post so thank you all for hopefully reading it.
Here's to 39 days sober!!! Looking forward to 1 year as my next milestone and I know I'll get there one day at a time as long as I don't take a drink today,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Its so good you found this site and congrats on your 39 days!
The good news is that "thoughts of drinking" does not mean you are going to relapse. You have identified a "trigger" and have taken steps to get more support so you do not drink alcohol.
Work stress is a trigger for me as well. In the past 2 1/2 months of sobriety I have thought of drinking a few times. My stress was through the roof during those times. It was automatic to think of alcohol as an escape. The thought passed and so did the urge.
We gain tools to get through those moments. For me, deep breathing, talking it through and making a cup of tea are "calmers." Getting on here and reading. Taking a walk. Writing it out. Doing anything other than drinking is the goal. So far so sober.
You are doing well and will continue to do well. Its good you found the forum!
The good news is that "thoughts of drinking" does not mean you are going to relapse. You have identified a "trigger" and have taken steps to get more support so you do not drink alcohol.
Work stress is a trigger for me as well. In the past 2 1/2 months of sobriety I have thought of drinking a few times. My stress was through the roof during those times. It was automatic to think of alcohol as an escape. The thought passed and so did the urge.
We gain tools to get through those moments. For me, deep breathing, talking it through and making a cup of tea are "calmers." Getting on here and reading. Taking a walk. Writing it out. Doing anything other than drinking is the goal. So far so sober.
You are doing well and will continue to do well. Its good you found the forum!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: K.C.MO
Posts: 425
Congrats on getting sober. I am right there with you. I know that I have no self control over alcohol. If I ever put it to my lips again I would drink and drink and drink until I passed out and again the next day and next and next. It would literally kill me. I have so abused my body. My liver enzymes are high. I go to the dr in the morning for blood work to see if they are going back to normal after 42 days sober.... Drink alcohol/ the poison will kill you! Stay sober.
39 days sober is a great start. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 21
Thanks for the replies everyone! Definitely helps to hear some encouraging words. I've been trying to distract myself with reading articles, watching TV, exercise, etc. when I'm thinking about a drink which has been working well. I've also been drinking lots of coffee, probably part of the reason I can't sleep LOL. But whatever it takes....every time I defeat that desire to drink the voice in my head telling me to do gets a little softer. Glad to be a part of the group here. Thanks again!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Best advice I can give you is - practice gratitude every day. 
Being grateful rewards us in many ways.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
Being grateful rewards us in many ways.https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Wonderful post, FinallyLucid. I'm much older, but can relate to the progression. It was my 'controlled' drinking years that tricked me into thinking I could be a social drinker for life. Stopping all together was something I insisted I could never do. Life would be so dull - nothing would be fun ever again. So I continued. Over the years my tolerance grew to a frightening level. In the end I was taking it to work with me so I wouldn't get shaky during the day. It was in my system at all times. I should never have allowed it to reach that point.
I'm so glad you've realized what needed to happen. You didn't let it steal your life - you got free. Congratulations. I believe being here will help you remain vigilant.
I'm so glad you've realized what needed to happen. You didn't let it steal your life - you got free. Congratulations. I believe being here will help you remain vigilant.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 3,514
Welcome to SR FinallyLucid and congratulations on 39 days of sobriety. Keep reading and posting and if you feel a temptation to drink then come straight here. There's usually someone around at all hours of the day (and night, it's the website that never sleeps!).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,157
Welcome!
I too felt differently this time around. Never really made it more than a couple days and that was usually due to alcohol poisoning.
I will have 1 year sober next month.
You can do it
The less time you give the AV the weaker it gets.
I still get those drinking thoughts but usually just brush them off.
I too felt differently this time around. Never really made it more than a couple days and that was usually due to alcohol poisoning.
I will have 1 year sober next month.
You can do it
The less time you give the AV the weaker it gets.
I still get those drinking thoughts but usually just brush them off.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 622
Welcome!
"Looking forward to 1 year as my next milestone" Thinking past today got me because I would think too far down the road and end in failure. I worked on not drinking now and if I was able to do that, I was golden. It's a play on words but it helped me and easier at times then others.
Also, water, Oreos, some kind of activity and setting SR as my homepage all helped me. With SR as my home page, it forced me to go through here to get to the internet. I still follow the above to this day if and when needed and life is way effing better being sober.
YMMV and good luck.
"Looking forward to 1 year as my next milestone" Thinking past today got me because I would think too far down the road and end in failure. I worked on not drinking now and if I was able to do that, I was golden. It's a play on words but it helped me and easier at times then others.
Also, water, Oreos, some kind of activity and setting SR as my homepage all helped me. With SR as my home page, it forced me to go through here to get to the internet. I still follow the above to this day if and when needed and life is way effing better being sober.
YMMV and good luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Welcome - it's so great to have you here!!! I can relate to a lot of your post, especially a family history of drinking and "not being the worst one." You're making such a good choice for yourself and your family.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: East
Posts: 165
"I also had my first experience with real withdrawal after drinking 8-10 beers every day for a week where I felt like all my nerves were screaming and I would have a seizure or a stroke at any minute. It scared the **** out of me and I promised myself I'd never drink again."
This is why I quit drinking, and I completely relate to what you wrote Lucid. My nerves were shot. Anxiety sky high. Negative thoughts. Awful.
Glad you're here.
This is why I quit drinking, and I completely relate to what you wrote Lucid. My nerves were shot. Anxiety sky high. Negative thoughts. Awful.
Glad you're here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 21
I appreciate everyone's replies and suggestions. I have given them some serious thought and will set my sights on today from now on. If I can be sober today, the days will add up eventually. It feels awesome to hear that people can relate and it makes me feel stronger so I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Definitely also felt like I wasn't the worst in my family, PalmerSage, and was justifying what I was doing for too long. I may not have had real problems YET but it did affect my marriage, and I absolutely was on the path to destruction. I'm giving this my all and plan to remain sober no matter what. I hope that I can fall under the "They Stopped in Time" category in the AA big book. I worry about getting complacent eventually and want to remain vigilant, but I feel like that's again getting ahead of myself.
One day at a time (now 40 days).
Definitely also felt like I wasn't the worst in my family, PalmerSage, and was justifying what I was doing for too long. I may not have had real problems YET but it did affect my marriage, and I absolutely was on the path to destruction. I'm giving this my all and plan to remain sober no matter what. I hope that I can fall under the "They Stopped in Time" category in the AA big book. I worry about getting complacent eventually and want to remain vigilant, but I feel like that's again getting ahead of myself.
One day at a time (now 40 days).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,584
Can relate all the way through, FinallyLucid. Family history for me too. 
. One brother injecting drug user, dying only recently, liver cancer. It's all too sad. He had schizophrenia as as well. A real good bloke. He is a legend in my mind. Strength in Spades, but it got him.
Thing is, we can transcend this stuff, try at least. Drinking is never going to give us the transcendence we seek, it'll bury us.
I'm so glad you are here.
Welcome.
. One brother injecting drug user, dying only recently, liver cancer. It's all too sad. He had schizophrenia as as well. A real good bloke. He is a legend in my mind. Strength in Spades, but it got him.Thing is, we can transcend this stuff, try at least. Drinking is never going to give us the transcendence we seek, it'll bury us.
I'm so glad you are here.
Welcome.
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