Reflections on alcoholic selfishness
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Reflections on alcoholic selfishness
Selfish.
The word itself drives a stake through my heart, makes my stomach drop out the bottom of my legs sending sickening waves though my internals.
I feel like I have strived so much to be the opposite of this in life. “but, but, but...I give back all the time, right?”
I am generous with gifts, donations, volunteering , money, my time, my empathy, my care and thought I was trying to be loving and open with emotions and support for family and friends. But but... I work in a “helping” field. My job is to support others every day. I tried to do everything to be present to be involved to be there for my kids for many years. Before the addictions really took hold.
But was that all a cover? Some kind of fig leaf for what was really going on inside? The clenching fear in my stomach tells me I also know this label is one I am fit to wear.
Selfish.
It was selfish to try to numb my pain , my fears, my mental health symptoms with alcohol for so many years . It was selfish to allow myself to become a smoker again after 15 years quit, just because I was in lockdown at a MH unit. It was selfish to spend years trying to address PTSD and trauma without ever addressing addiction. It was selfish to add new addictions when those ones weren’t enough. To sit day after day on my balcony with my alcohol and my cigarettes and my games , away from my kids , away from family and friends.
It was selfish to refuse calls time and time again, to stay present only with my addictions. With no regard for the needs of the person calling. To never be able to deal. To slowly shut down, cut off , end all elements of connection with other adult humans except work.
It was selfish to go through the motions of life with my kids by turning up to school, talking to teachers I never even remembered the name of, going to their sport, their concerts, organising lavish parties but never be truly there on the day, by feeding them with less and less effort, putting them to bed with less and less care, and always always without truly being there. Always with an eye on escape back to safety of my addictions.
It was selfish to let myself get sucked in to playing those games 24/7 , to gambling too because - hell why not try to win some money back as well. To spend money that wasn’t ever just mine, but theirs. That money from divorce that I felt was somehow “tainted” and needed not to exist, is as much my kids, as it is mine.
It was selfish to expect people to somehow rescue me , to save me, to fix me. To be angry when they became exhausts too. To be the victim, the one who could do all this because well “abuse” “I can’t fix it” “I give up on me”, “I can’t”, “I am a bad person , anyway” “childhood trauma” . It was selfish to have no regard for my health or the consequences of my actions and have the audacity to believe this was because I was somehow “saving them” from living a life of trauma over a parent who took their own life.
It was a fat, jutted out bottom-lip at life. A pout at my own existence. Holding my breath until I turned blue and passed out and maybe hopefully died quietly from my addictions. The they would be better off without me selfishness.
My selfishness has hurt my children.
My selfishness contributed (maybe a lot) to the breakdown in my relationship
My selfishness has hurt my mother, my brother
My selfishness drove away every person who has ever been important to me.
I can do better. I can learn to finally see it for what it is and not fail to address it again or cover it up , again, my horrors, my guilt, my shame. My naked , raw selfishness.
I can learn a better way. I have hope for me . It’s small and needs nurturing . But I can learn humility, to connect, to really give , to truly serve. Without becoming depleted. I can learn not to cave before the shame and guilt and crumble at the first hint of anxiety and depression.
Mental health explosion was not a license to only care about me and my needs. Yes , it required self- focus, but not this. Not to put my pain, my self-soothing above all else. All those times I “tried” and gave up on myself again because I couldn’t stop. It was still a selfish act every time I did it. All of the time that I robbed from my kids. The better me that I stole from them , from me, from everyone .
Selfish
There is so much more to be.
The word itself drives a stake through my heart, makes my stomach drop out the bottom of my legs sending sickening waves though my internals.
I feel like I have strived so much to be the opposite of this in life. “but, but, but...I give back all the time, right?”
I am generous with gifts, donations, volunteering , money, my time, my empathy, my care and thought I was trying to be loving and open with emotions and support for family and friends. But but... I work in a “helping” field. My job is to support others every day. I tried to do everything to be present to be involved to be there for my kids for many years. Before the addictions really took hold.
But was that all a cover? Some kind of fig leaf for what was really going on inside? The clenching fear in my stomach tells me I also know this label is one I am fit to wear.
Selfish.
It was selfish to try to numb my pain , my fears, my mental health symptoms with alcohol for so many years . It was selfish to allow myself to become a smoker again after 15 years quit, just because I was in lockdown at a MH unit. It was selfish to spend years trying to address PTSD and trauma without ever addressing addiction. It was selfish to add new addictions when those ones weren’t enough. To sit day after day on my balcony with my alcohol and my cigarettes and my games , away from my kids , away from family and friends.
It was selfish to refuse calls time and time again, to stay present only with my addictions. With no regard for the needs of the person calling. To never be able to deal. To slowly shut down, cut off , end all elements of connection with other adult humans except work.
It was selfish to go through the motions of life with my kids by turning up to school, talking to teachers I never even remembered the name of, going to their sport, their concerts, organising lavish parties but never be truly there on the day, by feeding them with less and less effort, putting them to bed with less and less care, and always always without truly being there. Always with an eye on escape back to safety of my addictions.
It was selfish to let myself get sucked in to playing those games 24/7 , to gambling too because - hell why not try to win some money back as well. To spend money that wasn’t ever just mine, but theirs. That money from divorce that I felt was somehow “tainted” and needed not to exist, is as much my kids, as it is mine.
It was selfish to expect people to somehow rescue me , to save me, to fix me. To be angry when they became exhausts too. To be the victim, the one who could do all this because well “abuse” “I can’t fix it” “I give up on me”, “I can’t”, “I am a bad person , anyway” “childhood trauma” . It was selfish to have no regard for my health or the consequences of my actions and have the audacity to believe this was because I was somehow “saving them” from living a life of trauma over a parent who took their own life.
It was a fat, jutted out bottom-lip at life. A pout at my own existence. Holding my breath until I turned blue and passed out and maybe hopefully died quietly from my addictions. The they would be better off without me selfishness.
My selfishness has hurt my children.
My selfishness contributed (maybe a lot) to the breakdown in my relationship
My selfishness has hurt my mother, my brother
My selfishness drove away every person who has ever been important to me.
I can do better. I can learn to finally see it for what it is and not fail to address it again or cover it up , again, my horrors, my guilt, my shame. My naked , raw selfishness.
I can learn a better way. I have hope for me . It’s small and needs nurturing . But I can learn humility, to connect, to really give , to truly serve. Without becoming depleted. I can learn not to cave before the shame and guilt and crumble at the first hint of anxiety and depression.
Mental health explosion was not a license to only care about me and my needs. Yes , it required self- focus, but not this. Not to put my pain, my self-soothing above all else. All those times I “tried” and gave up on myself again because I couldn’t stop. It was still a selfish act every time I did it. All of the time that I robbed from my kids. The better me that I stole from them , from me, from everyone .
Selfish
There is so much more to be.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 94
I like your post.
but at the end of the day everything we do as does everyone else is selfish.
we get told so much that alcoholics makes us bad people. I try to think of it as I wasn’t a bad person, I was an unwell person who needed help. Take away the alcohol, bit of recovery and I feel like I’m a responsable and functioning member of society. I have learned a lot. I don’t beat my self down anymore about doing whatever it takes to stay sober because the alternative was misery and potentially death.
it sounds like you are separating your self from “normal people” by saying that your selfishness is not justified. I think you need to be kind to your self and be “selfish” if that’s what it takes. You are just as valid as anyone else.
but at the end of the day everything we do as does everyone else is selfish.
we get told so much that alcoholics makes us bad people. I try to think of it as I wasn’t a bad person, I was an unwell person who needed help. Take away the alcohol, bit of recovery and I feel like I’m a responsable and functioning member of society. I have learned a lot. I don’t beat my self down anymore about doing whatever it takes to stay sober because the alternative was misery and potentially death.
it sounds like you are separating your self from “normal people” by saying that your selfishness is not justified. I think you need to be kind to your self and be “selfish” if that’s what it takes. You are just as valid as anyone else.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I think anyone can be selfish, alcoholic or not.
introspection and self inventory is fine, but too much beating oneself up can lead to drinking again.
I find it more beneficial to focus on the positives - I was ill - now I am not
D
introspection and self inventory is fine, but too much beating oneself up can lead to drinking again.
I find it more beneficial to focus on the positives - I was ill - now I am not
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Tanky, I went through very similar feelings to what you are dealing with. I thought I was a kind, giving, generous person. And, I was. But, I was also selfish. Keep in mind that denial is a huge part of alcoholism and keeping us hooked. Take a breath and be kind to yourself today. I love Maya Angelou's simple quote "I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by Anna 
Tanky, I went through very similar feelings to what you are dealing with. I thought I was a kind, giving, generous person. And, I was. But, I was also selfish. Keep in mind that denial is a huge part of alcoholism and keeping us hooked. Take a breath and be kind to yourself today. I love Maya Angelou's simple quote "I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by Buttery
I like your post.
but at the end of the day everything we do as does everyone else is selfish.
we get told so much that alcoholics makes us bad people. I try to think of it as I wasn’t a bad person, I was an unwell person who needed help. Take away the alcohol, bit of recovery and I feel like I’m a responsable and functioning member of society. I have learned a lot. I don’t beat my self down anymore about doing whatever it takes to stay sober because the alternative was misery and potentially death.
it sounds like you are separating your self from “normal people” by saying that your selfishness is not justified. I think you need to be kind to your self and be “selfish” if that’s what it takes. You are just as valid as anyone else.
but at the end of the day everything we do as does everyone else is selfish.
we get told so much that alcoholics makes us bad people. I try to think of it as I wasn’t a bad person, I was an unwell person who needed help. Take away the alcohol, bit of recovery and I feel like I’m a responsable and functioning member of society. I have learned a lot. I don’t beat my self down anymore about doing whatever it takes to stay sober because the alternative was misery and potentially death.
it sounds like you are separating your self from “normal people” by saying that your selfishness is not justified. I think you need to be kind to your self and be “selfish” if that’s what it takes. You are just as valid as anyone else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by Dee74
I think anyone can be selfish, alcoholic or not.
introspection and self inventory is fine, but too much beating oneself up can lead to drinking again.
I find it more beneficial to focus on the positives - I was ill - now I am not
D
introspection and self inventory is fine, but too much beating oneself up can lead to drinking again.
I find it more beneficial to focus on the positives - I was ill - now I am not
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
I think there is very much truth in what you’ve written and hats off for putting it all out there. You are not alone.
It’s been almost a year sober for me now and I can tell you I feel 100x better as far as parenting goes. I can look back and feel good about my actions... no regrets and no guilt.
Also, consider that alcohol and pharmaceuticals are glamourized and rammed down our throats by advertising. I mean, when pubs stay open while medical procedures are put on hold during a pandemic, something doesn’t seem right. It’s not all our fault.
this line of thinking pushes alcohol even further away from me and I don’t feel as bad about my role in how it almost destroyed me.
It’s been almost a year sober for me now and I can tell you I feel 100x better as far as parenting goes. I can look back and feel good about my actions... no regrets and no guilt.
Also, consider that alcohol and pharmaceuticals are glamourized and rammed down our throats by advertising. I mean, when pubs stay open while medical procedures are put on hold during a pandemic, something doesn’t seem right. It’s not all our fault.
this line of thinking pushes alcohol even further away from me and I don’t feel as bad about my role in how it almost destroyed me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by Tanky
I am not trying to claim separateness. More acknowledge what I did. Feel it. Start to learn nee ways to be
Just didn’t think you should beat your self down.
you are ackowleding how you are feeling which is part of recovery. We get good and bad feelings that we need to learn to handle and it’s great to read that you have felt this way and acknowledged it as opposed to using it as an excuse to give up or let it spiral into something bad 😊.
I love this forum just sometimes find it hard to comment in writing without it coming off the wrong way which is not intended. Just offering support
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Great thought, great post. Knowing is half the battle.
Self awareness is a sign of maturity.
Actualization is a life long process.
We here are doing better than anyone that is currently drinking, regardless of how much they drink.
Just my opinion.
Thanks.
Self awareness is a sign of maturity.
Actualization is a life long process.
We here are doing better than anyone that is currently drinking, regardless of how much they drink.
Just my opinion.
Thanks.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
You know what, Tanky? I truly never thought of it that way. I imagined myself just the opposite - always putting others first. But on further examination, I was only benevolent when it suited me.
Yet another reason to never touch the stuff again. Thank you.
Yet another reason to never touch the stuff again. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Tanky, yeah, i see what you’re saying.
at the same time, i see this kind of selfishness as a very screwy way of actually taking care of yourself, self-care.
a very awry way of getting needs met.
you/we/i can learn differently, identify the needs and develop ways of getting them met in more healthy and appropriate ways.
at the same time, i see this kind of selfishness as a very screwy way of actually taking care of yourself, self-care.
a very awry way of getting needs met.
you/we/i can learn differently, identify the needs and develop ways of getting them met in more healthy and appropriate ways.
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