JADIII

Hi, been a member here for a while and have had some luck and, more recently, some bad luck with both quitting and losing my job....**** Covid.

For the more experienced or even newcomers out there. I understand that admitting you have a problem is one of the first steps to quitting for good. I assume that admitting to yourself is a hell of a lot different than admitting to others and loved ones especially when you drink in secret, etc. Did you find it more liberating when you finally admitted to others that you had an issue or did just knowing it yourself make it enough. I'm guessing that once you admit it to others they will all say "Yes, we know" but just wanted your take as thats the stumble I'm having.

Thanks

doggonecarl

My recovery wasn't contingent on admitting to others that I had a problem with alcohol. I told people who knew that I drank that I quit drinking. In the few cases where someone asked why, I told them. After being sober a while, I just told people, "I don't drink."

No one has ever questioned me on that.

If you know you have a problem drinking, quit. And commit to that. If telling others you have a problem with alcohol will keep you accountable, tell them. However, since you kept your drinking a secret, the only person you need to be accountable to is yourself.

Cityboy

I think that most people feel correctly like they are not going to get the level and type of support that they need during early sobriety, so don't talk about it much with other people outside of something like SR, AA, or a therapist. In fact, I think that our relationships with those closest to us could be part of the formula that has reinforced our dependency and only after a period of sobriety can the dynamics of the relationship be viewed in a way that is going to contribute to a more healthy relationship.

Anna

I didn't tell anyone when I stopped drinking. My immediate family was, of course, well-aware of my drinking, though I'm sure others knew. I made the decision to stop drinking and I knew that I was the one who needed to make that happen. Accepting that I was an alcoholic was the most important thing for me. Telling others was not something I thought would help me, though I know others sometimes find it helpful. The main thing is to do what works for you.

travelbug

We were invited to our neighbors house last night to help celebrate a 70th bday. The wife knew that I am not drinking but she asked several times if I wanted a drink then asked why did I quit drinking. I answered that I wanted to loose weight. But how rude of people. I should have said "So why are you drinking?"..... I did not drink nor will I ever again. I am on day 43.....

biminiblue

I did not nor do not find it liberating to "admit" to others. So I don't.

I did go to AA meetings and I said it there and here, but I don't talk about it elsewhere.

I told my family I quit drinking but they still kept offering me drinks for all the years they were alive so I probably could have skipped telling them, too.

Sober45

I have almost a year sober. I was a daily drinker for years on end. Tried to stop many times before. What made the difference for me this time:
-I just told my husband and daughter. In previous quits I would announce it to the world but all it did was create pressure/anxiety which increased my desire to drink. Now that I'm solidly sober I'm telling more people. Being the non-drinker in the crowd is more liberating than I'd ever imagined.
-I made a plan...for me I consumed a lot of sugar and binge watched TV. Blood sugar levels plays a role in cravings for many of us. If you google it there's info out there.
-I developed an understanding of how addiction works. Once I realized my addiction was stored in my subconscious and that I could consciously reprogram my brain, I knew I was going to be able to do this. If you stay sober, a new normal will develop. It just happens.
-I practice gratitude. This is a big one for happiness in sobriety...a huge one!
-I gave up on moderation: trying to moderate was what kept me going back to booze probably more than anything else. I decided that moderation is never going to work since trying to do so takes up sooooo much time and effort. One or two glasses was never enough. To me, there's just no winning with alcohol for people like us. But it doesn't matter now, I don't even want it.
-Finally, I stopped looking at myself as being abnormal because I can't drink normally. Instead, I focused on things like the gigantic effect alcohol is having on our health care systems. Much of the domestic abuse we see is made worse by alcohol.

That's my new attitude that has brought me to here. Hope this helps

tomls

I think you have to quit for yourself. If you quit for someone else you think that you can drink to hurt them or they might be able to say it's ok to drink.

tomls

There's no way most other people could understand anyway.

Buttery

Some people already knew in my life, close friends and family. It was more being caught out that admitting it. Then things got really bad suddenly, it became scary, bad breakup, hospitals, severe withdrawals, work found out... so I completely outed my self. I was desperate to make it stop and couldn’t take it any more.
I got support from a lot of people snd of course there are those who are nice to your face but will talk about you behind your back. It was hard at first but things I had been putting off in case someone saw like going to an AA meeting, asking work for time off to attended specialist support groups, friends wondering why I was being weird and unreliable. I stopped getting questioned why I wasn’t drinking.
It was rough for a while and I times o wish I hadn’t done it but to be honest it made it so much easier and people could see I was in pain. It isn’t my job to educate anyone but in my little world I think I set an example of how real this is and the importance of tackling it. I had a work collegue confess that he felt his drinking was a bit out of hand, few people open up to me about their own mental health. Nothing big but it’s all those small things that add up that I feel for those who have looked passed it have become to trust me even more as I was honest.

Im not sure if it was what “saved” me but I think ongoing it has had a positive impact as I’m able to share my achievements and people that care know how much I have worked towards them. If the choice of die with this as a secret or everyone knowing and living I chose to live and do what ever it takes.

there should be no shame in this. No one sat down and decided that they were going to drink to dangerous levels or lose their minds over it. It’s an illness and should be treated like others. We all deserve respect as much as the next person.

all I can say about my self is I feel like I have become an overall decent person as a result. I know plenty of really horrible people who have no excuse other than they are just rotten and should be ashamed of them selves.

least

I only told my immediate family. I felt it was no one else's business. If I am asked, I just say, no thank you, I don't drink. If I'm asked why I don't drink I either ask them if my not drinking bothers them, or I just tell them that I used to drink and that's why I don't drink anymore.

Aellyce

I got a lot out of of admitting my many years of elaborate lies here on this forum (had a thread about it that I still update, now about recovery) and to a friend who is also a recovering alcoholic. Finally coming out gave me a lot of pretty instant mental peace and motivation to now maintain something forward and authentic. I don't have a family and many close friends right now, so no one who should know me that deeply. I do plan to change the friends part but then it'll be irrelevant to get into elaborate details of my past alcoholism, at least in the beginning of any new relationship.

In the past, I did mention sometimes issues with alcohol to some people of recovery circles (e.g. colleagues), usually in passing and very briefly, and I don't think any more than that would serve me well now that I truly plan never to drink again. But I find it quite healing to openly talk about all this in recovery communities, I also often mention the years of lies in my recovery meetings now and people surely relate. I personally don't care who perhaps guessed or knew my drinking and I find it much more helpful (and natural, for me) to focus on the present and future.

dpac414

I've really only ever told people that I trust completely. My mother, my one sister, a friend, and my partner. Those people are the only ones who know the true scope of why I stopped drinking. It's really nobody else's business why I stopped and honestly people don't tend to ask (unless they're rude, lol). If I'm somewhere where drinking is happening and someone offers me one, I just say no thanks. That's all. You'll probably find that people are a lot less concerned about what you're doing than you think they are.

However, I do agree it can be liberating to tell some people the whole truth, but I don't think it's necessary to hold a press conference with all important people in your life. Ultimately I agree with what Carl said - my recovery is not contingent on other people knowing about it. I just need to be honest with myself, work my plan of recovery, and do the right things to keep myself sober.

Best of luck

Steely

In the beginning I did tell people, clumsily. Felt like I was admitting to a major crime or something. Lots of guilt. I didn't tell everyone, but whenever it came up I'd stumble over my words and, and, everything.

A bloke once said to me, "I can drink anytime I like", but I remembered something I'd heard in AA, and said, "so can I, but I choose not to." He was a bit lost for words. This was many years ago when first trying to get sober. It was one of my better non-stumbling responses.

I don't attend AA anymore, though it helped keep me sober for 5 relatively good years. I was sober, but I'd not had the "awakening" to coin a phrase. I drank again, and continued for many years. Everything got worse.

AA is still not for me, though I know it is for many people, and def should be included in the raft of recovery methods that exist today, thank goodness. I just come here now, and learn from others who go to make up those raft of ideas. I'll be 12 months tomorrow.

So..... in the beginning I was a bumbling, guilt ridden, angry person, spitting out the words best I could, 'cause knew I had to stop drinking. I was doing my best. To this day, do not regret the bumbling "admissions", at least I was doing something. It was a bit sketchy though.

Now, I'm a lot like others here. I just decline drinks, and don't need to say it more than twice. After that its intrusive.

There is nothing 'wrong' with not drinking. Rather, many things good. No shame in admitting having a problem with alcohol. It's a health problem, simple/complex. This doesn't mean we can continue with the behaviour though, decrying "health" as reason.

If you are drinking secretly maybe this is the time to expunge that secret and talk to a few people you trust, and you know who care. They be glad for you and relationships authentic, at last.

MissPerfumado

Hi JADIII, I think you'll see from the many responses that there are lots of different approaches.

The rule of thumb that I followed in early recovery is to do whatever will aid your recovery. You will see this reflected in the responses.

I told my immediate family, because it helped my accountability. My parents knew (my father is a recovering alcoholic and my mother the ex-wife of one) and my sisters kind of knew but didn't think it was that bad a problem. It was really liberating to tell people I trusted enough not to judge. In a similar vein, I told a couple of closer friends I felt wouldn't judge. That was a net positive, because one was able to help me out at a work event I went to early on, and I could just stay close to her and drink water. Practical support.

I didn't tell the rest of the world, I felt that would cause me anxiety and hamper my focus on sobriety.

Dee74

I told everyone - which for me meant friends and family - but I was a pretty public drunk and I think most people who saw me on a daily basis knew

It did give me some relief at the time but I kind of regret it now. I worried a lot of people needlessly..
I didn't need to admit my alcoholism to other people to get better.

I absolutely had to admit it to myself tho, and act accordingly.

DriGuy

There was a certain pride when I admitted it to others, but it did little to secure my sobriety. Mostly people were mildly curious about it at best. Admitting to yourself is hundreds of times more important than telling others. I don't see why you would bother quitting if you didn't admit you had a problem. I guess some people get sober for others, but I did it for myself. I was so intent on my sobriety that I was going to stay quit even if everyone hated me for it. Of course no one actually hated me for not drinking, but I had consciously prepared myself for disapproval just in case it might be out there.

MythOfSisyphus

At first I didn't admit to anyone that I'd quit. After all I was ashamed at how I drank, ashamed that I "couldn't handle it anymore", and ashamed that if I failed and started drinking again that the shame would be even more unbearable. Of course looking back at it now it was obvious to everyone how much I drank, and just as plain that I wasn't drunk (drunks think they're so sneaky!). But after a couple weeks, maybe a month, I started dropping it in to a few conversations. But that time I knew there was no way to drink again unless I was giving up and ready to die.

But once it was "out there" it surprisingly wasn't "a thing". My family was like, oh, that's cool. No one brought it up, rubbed it in or lorded over me. There was liberation but more on a personal level.

I'm sorry you've had such a time time @JADIII. I know it doesn't help but this pandemic has everyone spun sideways. You can get it back on track!

snitch

My experience is that after my last drink I had to tell my immediate family and my close friends that I spent my time with that I had a problem and was getting help. I just had to come clean. I needed all the support I could get. My family and friends (the ones I had left) were so so supportive. As I grew in my recovery and accepted my alcoholism I became more open about it with others. It is a personal choice but I am not ashamed that I am an alcoholic, I cant help it, it wasn't something that was on my what I want to be when I'm older list, I am just so grateful that I am sober and alive today and if I can help break the stigma associated with alcoholism that is a bonus.I dont go out of my way to tell people but I dont have any problem with it either. It is my truth.

♥️🙏

owen90

I admitted it to others after deliberating about it, and it was a huge weight off my shoulders. It allowed me to focus on my recovery without the additional stress that holding secrets brings.