BeABetterMan

Yes, this ^^^

BeABetterMan

Please look into what codependency is.

You’re no one’s savior. At your very best, you will save no one. No one will.

You are not the cause for anyone else’s behavior. Not for their successes and especially not for their failures.

Like my sponsor used to tell me, “You greatly overestimate your importance to others.”

That doesn’t mean you don’t have value, people like you that care so deeply and have so much empathy are some of the greatest people in the world, but we are are also susceptible for taking credit for all that occurs in the world, good or bad, especially with loved ones.

YOU HAVE ZERO CONTROL OVER WHAT THIS MAN DOES, THINKS or WANTS. Zero. You can only do what is best for YOU. And it only takes reading through this thread once to know that this guy is not it. You are wise to come to a site like this to express your thoughts. A lot of us hold this stuff in and try to solve it ourselves and suffer needlessly. The people of SR are wise and honest and kind. We have been through a lot. Some of us will deliver our input I n a gentle manner and some us (like me) will be like a bull in a China cupboard. But we all want the best for you and most of us see your situation crystal clear. I see it because I was guy in this situation. A dishonest and selfish alcoholic. So please listen to the input you e received, it’s solid.

advbike

Great post, BABM. Absolutely true.

Men can be co-dependent too. I am an ACOA and due to a lot of loss in childhood and not being there for my Dad when he died, I became plagued by guilt in mid-life, and worried I would cause more tragic outcomes. Even though I didn't cause them, I began to fear it. I have OCD and it is not uncommon to have irrational worries about others. I became involved in a long term relationship where the woman had a victim mentality, and it amplified all those fears and anxieties I had. She couldn't find a job for years and I paid her rent because I felt guilty that I had wanted to get out of the relationship. I moved to another state and still she tried to keep me from dating others. Thank God I was eventually able to work through a lot of it with counseling, but I still worry excessively about others, deal with strong caregiving tendencies and it's a challenge for me to ask for what I need.

Codependency is really harmful. It hurts us and doesn't help them. You just create a dependent person and create suffering. Definitely seek support for it and checkout the section previously mentioned on this site.

fini

Timetogetout,
please take some time to read around the Friends and Families forum i linked to earlier; it is full of experience of situations like yours.
you know, you are spending your time looking at what he might need, want, find helpful.
some good questions to ask yourself might be why you are involved with someone who is very unwell, living in disfunction, not available to you.
the changes you can actually bring about are changes in your own life, your own well-being. that is where you can choose and use action to effect better outcomes for you and your children.

Timetogetout

Thank you all so much. I will take your advice. This is all making me ill. Putting what I thought were his needs first has become a habit I must break as I can see now I am adding to the problem , I can't solve it. He just keeps coming back to me when I've tried to stay away. So I used to put that down to him loving me like he says. I am not a bad person. I just tried my best in a field I know nothing about. There seem to be all sorts of different rules where addiction is concerned. I have always been there for any of my friends and family who need me and we have always worked through everything. This is now all way beyond me. Thanks again and good luck to you all on your journeys Xx

FreeOwl

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

Have you got any support for yourself in a counselor or therapist? Have you ever looked into co-dependency and how our underlying abandonment issues in life and our traumas and our mental wiring can lead us to put ourselves into relationships that challenge our very brokenness? Some of what you've shared seems really consistent with co-dependent thinking and I wonder if it might be worth exploring.

But, without seeking to 'diagnose' you or to provide advice, my reflection for you is that when things like this are happening in our lives, it's a very good time to look inward and focus on our OWN healing, our OWN choices and motivations and our OWN opportunities for growth.

Timetogetout

Thank you for your lovely reply. Yes I am waiting for counseling as I have been aware for sometime that being dropped and picked up again time after time was impacting on my mental state and clouding my judgement. I started on this relationship thinking we were soul mates and he would 'save' me. (He wasnt drinking then ) Over a couple of years I have unwittingly turned myself into the 'saviour' then somehow become the 'victim' . This is all alien to me and I am finally realising to come out of this any thing other than broken , I need to leave him to his demons. He says he is unhappy with his partner but he can't use me as a distraction any longer. Thank you so much xx

FreeOwl

You're welcome. As a guy who has previously fallen victim to "soulmate syndrome" - I can share that my own journey in recovery has included coming to terms with, understanding and growing on from my personal co-dependency tendencies that stemmed from attachment and abandonment issues. That has resulted in my discovery of far greater depth, presence and ability to be in strong partnership and love relationships.

A book called 'co-dependent no more' was pretty helpful for me... as well as stepwork and therapy.

Sober45

If you were emotionally connected with this person, to the point of planning to leave relationships, I would call that an affair because an affair can occur on an emotional level. For the spouse who is being cheated on, this type of affair is much worse then just sex. I am speaking from experience (I was cheated on 10 years into my marriage).

Remember, the heart often wants what it can't have. As an example, I went out with a guy one time and didn't really care for the relationship all that much. But as soon as he started to pull away from me, I was hooked. After we parted, and with time to reflect on my own, I was able to see things more clearly.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I would not go near this guy or his family again. Your name says it all...it's time to get out.

Mizz

I do hope that you follow through with seeing a therapist for this dynamic you have found yourself in.
There have been many times in my life where I have been snapped into reality and wondered "How did I get here?"
With some tools and boundaries you will go on to lead a better life and have a better understanding of yourself.
You can do this. I am very sorry for your hurt. Truly.

FreeOwl

I can affirm this perspective from my own experience.... having had three affairs in my own life - two of which began as 'platonic' - but were emotionally powerful affairs that eventually led to sexual affairs as well.

Timetogetout

Thank you xxx

BeABetterMan

Men can DEFINITELY be codependent too. I am a hopeless codependent. I didn’t even know it, I thought “that’s just the way I am”. But it is an awful state of being and has caused me (and the women in my life) a lot of heartache.

FreeOwl

absolutely.... I have been an interesting combination of both an Alcoholic AND a co-dependent AND an addict for much of my life.... and I'm a man.

I think none of these things are gender-specific and I think all of them come in varying degrees... a spectrum of Venn diagrams of characteristics that comprise each of us in our own individual ways - but with clear commonalities.

Dee74

Looks like the OP has closed their account.
All the best timetogetout

Thread closed.

Dee
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