Steely

You don't have to do anything AR. Just turn up and listen.

Baby steps.

BeABetterMan

Fear. Fear you will find is the root of most of our drinking. It is also exceedingly common. Fear of the future is also called anxiety. And anticipatory anxiety is almost always worse than the actual thing we worry about.

AR, you don’t have to solve anything today. The people in the program will help you. Just keep getting that tushy into those meetings and let the miracle happen.

BeABetterMan

LoL, so true. 💯

anxiousrock

I guess I'm always over thinking step 1. My life isn't unmanageable.... but I don't want it to get that way.... you know?

Aellyce

At some of the Zoom AA meetings I attended the people who are available for sponsoring post this in the chat, so whoever is interested just needs to respond. And some groups have an email address where you can write if you are looking for a sponsor, even just a temporary one. So you don't need to initiate with a potential sponsor out of the blue.

I do the ~same time of day meeting routine, too. The first week of it was a bit challenging and I often felt like skipping but now it's part of my new (still evolving) routine. This is why I think it's important to find meetings/groups/sponsor/etc that we like - much easier to remain motivated and develop a new habit of using it, because it becomes reinforcing.

On the "unmanageable" - I'm not doing the steps currently, but definitely think that I was not able to manage my desire/goal for recovery for a very long time, before I much more seriously committed to it and to my primary program of choice. Maybe my entire life wasn't unmanageable, but most definitely not going in the way(s) I desired, and I got in the way with drinking, nothing/no one else.

vkf

Unmanageable can means different things in my opinion. I kept a job, was clinging on to my family, health was OK but not great. But I was unmanageable. My head and spirit were out of wack. I was no longer able to process bs correctly if that makes sense? And the only way to get relief was drink. I was always angry, full of just hatred and anxiety. It's hard to describe but at times I felt as if I was tearing out my skin.

advbike

Exactly right. I pulled down a six figure salary for years, had lots of toys, homes, etc but was miserable inside, couldn't find a "good" relationship although there were many nice girls, and was in debt up to my ears. Yet I didn't see anything unmanageable about it, haha.

EndGameNYC

Even you know that you need a different kind of care.

The next step is the one you need to take.

anxiousrock

I'm not 100% sure what this means.

Wastinglife

I've been there many times Anxiousrock. I disabled my Facebook because I couldn't trust myself not to send out drunken messages at 3am. I keep very few contacts in my phone for the same reason. I also have a habit of going on dating apps and chatting to women, and give them a completely bullsh*t story about myself.

The insomnia and anxiety should solve itself with sober time. You know how it works. Alcoholism is exhausting.

anxiousrock

wow, this sounds exactly like me! But I still manage to make a fool of myself.

Aellyce

Me too. I dealt with bad anxiety when I drank (more precisely, usually when I had a couple sober days between horrible binges) although anxiety was rarely my trigger to drink. It's so interesting for me this time around, because almost starting at day 1 (am on day 24 now), my anxiety decreased so much, it just amazes me what the heck happened suddenly. I can't put it down to anything else realistically but that now I am truly doing a lot of recovery work every day, which wasn't the case for me before. Sleep was quite wacky in the first two weeks. I could usually sleep seemingly enough hours but awoke many times each night and was flooded with what seemed like never-ending dreams (not necessarily nightmares, but extremely detailed, complex, vivid dreams). I feel like I turned a corner with the sleep thing last weekend: still wake at least 1-2x a night, but don't recall nearly as many overwhelming dreams (probably in part because I don't wake up so many times). I also think that improving my eating habits has helped. I tend to have urges now to eat a lot and often not the best foods in the evenings, which I gave into many times during the first two weeks because it helped reduce the drinking urges, but I'm trying to change it now. I also started exercising daily (in the mornings at home and go for walks later in the day), perhaps that helps my overall mood and sleep as well.

It is cliche, but a good routine and healthier lifestyle choices can be quite important for more satisfying sobriety, including less anxiety and overall feeling more content. This is also something I never cared to establish before - surprised I always felt very obsessive, restless, and could never stay sober long?

EndGameNYC

Sorry.

Fuzzy thinking on my part. Yeah, the meaning of my words ran and hid for me a couple of times.

You're anxious much of the time. You're not sleeping. You said that AA doesn't work for you. You have at least two major parts of your life right now

In my original post, I quoted you as having expressed your awareness that of all the things you've been doing to get sober, to have uninterrupted sleep, and to lower your anxiety, do not work: "Anyways, I didnt sleep and now I'm up and going to go for a walk to try and not be anxious. But I know it won't work."

You also predict -- with confidence -- that what you plan to do will end in failure

I was thinking of counseling, a psych assessment, seeing a competent professional (social worker, psychologist, e.g.) for your anxiety, along with a psychiatrist in the event the medication is indicated.

What do you do when everything you attempt fails?

anxiousrock

i have done counseling for addiction. They said there's nothing wrong with me both times....ridiculous and lazy of them to not address my concerns.
I have no job currently and am far from being able to afford a psychological or anything like that. It's not in the cards any time soon although I would love love to see one.
pretty much I've done research on my own and my left loathing seems to be the root of all my problems....my eating disorder and alcoholism. But it would be nice to know what to do with this information.
I'm currently doing 90/90.... seems they are short on sponsors here since over the phone is the only option during lockdown and I guess a lot of people don't like that???
anyways I'm trying.

nez

You are doing good legwork by doing 90 in 90 because in my experience listening to other people share was a big help in understanding why I loathed myself. Working the twelve steps was the second part of that help in understanding why I had self loathing.

I understand the difficulty in finding a sponsor during this particular time in history, but a sponsor is only a guide for going through the steps. A sponsor is not absolutely needed nor required to work the steps. The steps can be worked by using the big book as your guide as it breaks the steps down, but you can also find additional help online through speaker videos and step workshops.

Once you start to figure out why and what you don't like about yourself, it is important to remember that these are only your perceptions and opinions of yourself. They are not set in stone truths. They can be changed by actions. The next thing is figure out what are traits and characteristics that you admire and would like to strive towards. Don't use other people's perceptions and opinions as your guide or goals, figure out your goals and ideals. Take action to work towards those goals and ideals. Doing so will change your perceptions and opinions of yourself and self loathing will become a thing of the past as you make progress.

That is my story (my perception/opinion) of the results of working the twelve steps in a nut shell...and I'm sticking to it. I don't believe that the twelve steps/AA are the only path to learning to love and accept your self, but it is the one that worked for me.

You are on your path towards that destination. Just keep moving forward with action because you are worth it. Gratitude will build as you continue and help to insure that you don't turn back!

LadyBug66

I was doing the same thing. ONE of the nice things about not drinking is not having to apologize for doing/saying something you don't remember doing/saying. I will be alcohol free for 3 years on Christmas Eve this year. It hasn't been easy but it does get easier. Whenever I get tempted to drink I FORCE myself to remember some of the crap I've done when drinking and how I feel the next day and that is what has gotten me through. I pride myself in the fact that I do get calls now for rides from my friends and family that have been drinking. The anxiety will go away just hang tough thru it.

Mizz

The most truthful thing I have EVER heard!

Aellyce

I also found psychotherapy completely useless for my addiction, in fact it made it worse, because it didn't provide anything useful but was a big distraction from what I really needed to do. Now I actually think I probably used the wrong types of therapy for me as well, modalities and counseling styles that mostly just exacerbated my issues without giving me any tangible tools to work on my addiction/recovery. Would definitely choose a different modality now if I ever wanted to try again.

On sponsorship (if you want that) in AA not being available - sounds like you may be focusing on a limited number of (maybe local?) groups. In many of the recent online meetings I've attended a lot of people announce they are available to sponsor in the chat (maybe also in conversation if one stays for a few minutes after the formal meeting ends), or the group posts an email address to write to for those looking for a sponsor. If you are doing this virtually, I guess it does not matter too much where the group and a sponsor is located as long as you are compatible in time zone. When I first started attending virtual recovery meetings, I looked for local groups, but ended up liking some of the general Zoom meetings much better that do not have a geographic association, because I relate to the people and how the meetings are run better, get more out of it. The downside is that I'll probably never meet most of those people in real life. But if what they provide helps me stay sober, I feel it's the most important factor.

anxiousrock

yes I've been doing local groups. I want some familiarity, and their shares hit close to home. I've really been enjoying it.