Why I won't smoke weed today
 

Day Two....

But it's also Day 2,539.

Sober from alcohol for 2,539 days....

the Day Two is in regard to marijuana.

I chose to use it again last year, casually.... recreationally.... then it progressed to the point that I came back here 6 months ago wanting to stop, but didn't do the work, didn't really make the choice. Now it's Day Two and I won't smoke weed today because:

I value my presence in life with my family
I want to live long and healthy and smoking impairs that goal
I want my children to see me as a clear and capable Dad - hard to do through a weed-addled haze
I want to be there for others, ready to respond, ready to support, prepared to engage
I don't want to be dependent, a slave to a substance.... running out to the garage several times a day
I want sobriety to ring true through all aspects of my life, and funnel my addictive tendencies into healthy pursuits; exercise, service to others, writing, experiencing life

These and more are reasons I won't smoke weed today. But mostly because - I am a man in recovery and I prefer it that way, because my life is better for it, and those who's lives I touch benefit more from my presence.

Reminders to self.

Have a great day all!

Good stuff, free owl.

This sounds great, FreeOwl. I use a similar approach to remind myself of my values and things dearest to me daily - it's a recovery tool I learned in SMART.

Here is to waking up on day 3 tomorrow, for me it'll be day 20 off-booze :)

Good job! You are doing the right thing to yourself and your environment ;)

That's a good checklist, FreeOwl. :)

Great post.

Thanks all....

As I rode my bike with my daughter on the back, down through the forest to a nearby park.... I observed myself winded.... feeling queasy..... so much further out of shape than I was just a couple years ago.... I observed the impact of deciding to smoke again over the past year and how drastically that seems to have impaired me.

I then observed myself to have the fleeting thought of going to a dispensary and buying edibles....

Which is very similar to the kind of insane thinking that would happen when I was in early sobriety from alcohol and - despite all sorts of negative consequences fresh in my memory - I'd think about going and getting some vodka.

Bonkers. Just flat bonkers.

I mark it as progress that I'm admitting the madness to myself. Just a few short months ago, I wasn't even bothering to observe the ridiculousness. I was in a pattern of convincing myself it wasn't "that bad" and even that it was helping me stay sober.

The truth of that is - that's bullsh*t.

It wasn't 'helping me stay sober'. It was undermining my sobriety little by little and it was re-engaging that old set of self-destructive mental processes, physically damaging me, creating emotional distance from my own life, and self-medicating rather than coping with life on life's terms.

If you find yourself telling yourself that cannabis is 'keeping you sober' and 'isn't that bad' - I encourage you to think about questioning that narrative.

I've lost ground in my life and sacrificed precious moments of this ever-so-short-and-cherished journey to the wasted pursuit of numbness. It's dumb. It's a lie.

Weed was really hard for me to give up because my mind kept telling me 'it wasn't as bad as alcohol' and dammit I needed a break.

Later I was able to look back and realise that I was the problem - the same things I looked to alcohol to do - escape from reality and responsibility, anxiety and stress relief, feeding my appetite for oblivion...- I used weed for as well.

I could never really be in recovery and really embrace change unless I pried my hands off all, not just some, of the things holding back

ps congrats on day 2 :)

D

Yeah, I get it! And agree. I've been plumbing the depths of my personal reality with ADHD a little bit here lately. I came across some old paperwork my mom had given me in a box of stuff. A lot of it had to do with my childhood diagnosis of ADHD and a bunch of associated records of my troubles in school, my trauma response to my Dad not being around, stuff like that. This opened the door into a new willingness to acknowledge that childhood diagnosis. I've come to this new recognition that I've pretty much always ignored / denied that childhood diagnosis. When I began to read up more on those records of my own, and on the literature around ADHD, I started seeing some things. Among them; the strong link between ADHD and addiction. The very high percentage of those with ADHD who also have Cannabis Use Disorder. The degree to which my own history mirrors precisely what the literature is saying.

Escape from reality, from stress, from anxiety - going hand-in-hand with the reality, stress and anxiety that's actually created by the tendencies of ADHD....

Well, bottom line is that this period of self-medication with cannabis has at least had its upside; it has helped reveal to me another layer that I'd not yet peeled back in my own recovery journey.

I have a doctor's appointment (annual physical) the week after next and I'm going to talk with the doc about all of this. I may need to adjust meds a bit - as I've been on a low dose anti-depressant for a few years now. But the anti-depressant doesn't address ADHD, and even in recovery I've struggled with patterns that have played into this self-medication.

Like you, I discovered that not using ANY substances not prescribed by and under the supervision of a doctor is the path to my best and most present self. This ADHD acceptance feels like a positive step. I'll choose gratitude that at least getting sidetracked back into self-medication with cannabis has helped lead me to another point of acceptance that I can now work on appropriately.

Thank you!

Congrats on Day Two! I actually never tried weed before but I expect that anything you smoke will have a negative impact on your heart and lungs. Better off for sure to kick all the drugs & booze!

Kicking off Day 3.... I've had a little trouble sleeping the past couple nights. Fitful, waking in the wee hours. Further evidence that - for me - THC can definitely become psychologically and perhaps even a little physically addictive.

I'd said most of my life marijuana isn't addictive. Marijuana isn't 'a problem'.

It always was though.... in the same way as alcohol. Just not nearly as near-term negative. More like a gradual erosion of my quality of life in a soft, velvety, sort of happy disguise.

The negatives more subtle. Easier to dismiss. It's not nearly as toxic in its downsides, I think that's what makes it sneakier. Hangovers, alcohol poisoning, blackouts.... these are all really obvious, immediate and awful effects that come along with alcoholism. But POT? Nah. There's no hangover, there's no vomiting, there's no blacking out, waking up in jail.....

So - it seems innocent. OK. Hell, it's MEDICINE!!!!

But actually, that's all just more of the same alcoholic rationalization.

Applied to a plant. IT'S A PLANT!! GOD made it. can't be 'bad'.

Welp - it's not about the substance, it's about the person. Me. And I am a person in recovery from alcoholism. I am a person with the physical and mental wiring of addiction. I am a person with ADHD and depression and anxiety.... which all mean I'm more susceptible to being personally hijacked by a substance.

So... that's why I won't consume cannabis today.

Or drink.

Or cloud my present, cherished experience of Life with things that remove me from it and keep me from its greatest gifts.

The insomnia will pass man - stay the course! :)

D

Thanks, Dee!!! I know it will! I had similar issues in early sobriety from Alcohol.

Not for nothing, but marijuana addiction makes attention worse...

https://www.cdc.gov/marijuana/faqs/a...marijuana.html

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30295694/

yep!!

also; https://www.additudemag.com/cannabis...arijuana-adhd/

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 35 while in rehab. ADHD sufferers are 4 times more likely to have addiction issues than the general population. 75 percent of ADHD sufferers have a co-morbid disorder such as anxiety, depression, alcohol use disorder etc.

Its a hidden disability that can have devastating effects for an adult who is undiagnosed. I ruined my career, finances, relationships. Alcohol was my coping mechanism.

Thanks for sharing... yes, I've been learning more recently. Coming to face the fact that I've been quietly in denial with myself for most of my adult life.... putting that period of my youth where I struggled with the effects of ADHD, where I was ashamed of the diagnosis and didn't like how the meds (ritalin back then) made me feel so I just sold them at school.... shoving it all into a recess in my awareness and locking it away. Even for most of my recovery, I really never faced that. This past year has come with intense over-commitment, almost manic ambitious goals, while also being hugely stressful; quitting my 20 year career to launch a business, Covid, my kid sister's suicide-by-addiction, and a host of smaller but also overwhelming factors that I think probably has exacerbated both depression and ADHD and created a hell of a mess. My increasing usage of cannabis surely only added fuel to all of that.

So now begins the re-commitment to my sobriety with a focus not just on stopping cannabis but also on getting back to a place of emotional wellness, facing my mental health realities, facing my emotions that I'm sure I have not yet dealt with..... trying to move forward.... all in the context of the most stress-inducing socio-political context I've experienced in my entire life.

Anyway.... bit of a ramble. I really appreciate you sharing. Like having a community of those who understand addiction, it's comforting and helpful to just know that I'm not alone, that this is just another layer of me and another thing to accept and to continue living my best life with the knowledge and understanding of.

FreeOwl, I think you're doing great and I think it's great that you're dealing with the mental health issues.