FreeOwl

yep, absolutely!!

I've also been getting out and doing some short walk-runs, bike rides and generally building back into a long-neglected regime of exercise. That's essential for me in support of my sober / clean life.

Lpg

Amazing day 4 🙌 sorry you had a rough night last night hope its a better one tonight for you.

I'm really finding it hard today, feeling irritable and emotional, Iv not cried in a long while but today I feel I could at the drop of a hat. I hate uncomfortable emotions like this. Also I have the shakes quite bad, I've not experienced this before with cannabis, is this normal?!?

I know what you mean about coming home from a gathering, to a nice blissfully quiet home and going to bed with pride for making it through. It's like home is the best place on earth. When I was in my drinking days I used to just think home was a place to sleep, hardly spent any time here. I'd rather be out so I could drink as much as I could without fear of being told I'm drinking too much. Now it's my sanctuary. Nothing beats it.

Hoping I get time for a walk tomorrow, I think I need fresh air. Infact If u find it tough tomorrow I will make time.

FreeOwl

Yeah.... I think it is very normal. Certainly, I'm having that same experience. Very little crying in my life for the past many months... just... emptiness. Numbness.

The last time I had genuine emotion was a deep and awful breakdown of uncontrollable grief, howling sobbing and almost an out of body experience of pain. This was shortly after my kid sister's death earlier this year. I'm pretty sure I went into protection mode after that. Locked up my pain in a little box inside and got stoneder and stoneder and stoneder to keep it away.

Now I've begun to feel the rise of that sadness, have nearly broken down at nothing a couple times the past two days. But, I'm ready to accept that. I would rather feel it, face it, deal with it, than continue to live in numbness. Cannabis is absolutely a numbing agent for me and over the past 6 months of daily and often many-times-daily use I've managed to pummel my emotions into absolute submission.

I have my first meeting with a therapist in about three years next week. I'm going to engage in some group therapy too, if I can find the right support.....

Cannabis has been on its way to leading me back to drinking, I just know it. And that would be the end of my life, figuratively and probably literally.

Lpg

Sorry about the loss of your little sister, grief is an incredibly hard pain to experience. Your being so brave to face it head on and therapy is a great way to work through all those feelings that have been locked away.

End of day 4 now, I was such a brat this morning and it was completely out of tiredness and apprehension about christmas day, how I was going to cope being around alcohol & feeling the pressure mounting about if I cracked and smoked tonight I'd be upset at myself. But now iv came home and I can say I've had an absolutely smashing day today. I had a little talk with myself this morning pulled my sh*t together, practiced some gratitude. My son had the best day seeing him have fun just made it for me.

Merry Xmas

FreeOwl

Welp.... Day 5 and I caved into an opportunity to use a little RSO oil. I made my first mistake by not checking in here, first thing, to set my intention for the day and ground myself in recovery mode.

I made my next mistake by seeing my grief well up during the day over my kids not being home for the first part of the day and my grief well up even more as I wrapped a gift for my folks that brought on sorrow over my sister. I didn't do anything to process those, and could sort of feel the fear of the power of that sorrow..... and the next thing I knew, I'm dosing some RSO to numb it out.

Well, all I can do is acknowledge, face the fact, start over again, learn from that, journal, grow, get to my therapist this week..... and keep at it.

I will get this.

Lpg

It's all experience freeowl, and you have alot of grief & christmas is hard without loved ones. Keep at it, you will make it stick.
all these days add up. It's not easy.

Therapy will be a great starting point, I done therapy when I first quit alcohol and then again at a year in when I was having a rough patch. It was major for me, if I find things get hard for me mentally again I will most definitely do more.

​​​​​​I beleive you can totally do this!

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FreeOwl

Thank you.

And yes, the days add up and this all is part of my process. Instead of being upset or ashamed or angry, I'm going to forgive myself, I'm going to be grateful for the 10 days out of the past 12 that I managed to keep cannabis out of my body and I'm going to start anew with another Day One today and I'm going to journal and meditate and spend time on SR and I'm going to continue my journey of recovery with the tools I've been given. I'll get there.

Actually, I'm THERE right now. I am Sober. I am not going to use cannabis today. I am going to be healthy and present and feeling today.

And you, here on your Day 5.... I'll look to YOU as a role model to make it past the day 5 mark that I've been hung up on twice now.

YOU CAN DO IT.... (And I can, too).

Lpg

10 days is huge 🙌 you should be mega proud.
Exactly all those feeling aren't helpful only keep us where we aren't meant to be, need to see the bigger picture, all the achievements & progress we have made so far. Alcohol & cannabis

​​​​yesterday was good because it was busy. We have new lockdown rules that start today because of a new variant of the virus, I'm seriously praying they don't last as long as the first. It was in March I went from managing weekend smoking to everyday smoking again. I can't let it affect me like that this time. If I think about it really I possibly used it as an excuse to get away with doing it everyday. But tbf to myself I was a bag of nerves about the unknown.

I seen you write about dispensarys where you live, part of me is so glad the UK isn't legal. It must be tougher when it's legal and everywhere?

zerothehero

I'm not going to smoke weed today because I don't want to. I started smoking in 1974. Quit seven years ago. So grateful...

It's legal here. There are at least a dozen dispensaries within a half mile of my home. The breeze often carries the aroma of green bud to my doorstep. It doesn't matter. There are liquor stores, a really good bakery, bars, tobacco store... I just don't go in... Just don't go there...

Mizz

FreeOwl-
It is so good to see you processing and getting down to the root of your marijuana use. It takes a lot to look at ourselves and the ways that we mask our pain/ fear etc. Its also good that you see where this use will take your life and I can imagine it is very scary to think about. I don't see you as throwing in the towel on your sobriety away from alcohol. I do see someone who is working hard towards healing and understanding themselves and their coping mechanisms. Some things "serve" us for a time. You are at a point where the marijuana is not "serving" you.

I am very sorry about the loss of your sister. Losing a sibling is an indescribable feeling. Grief, in general, can manifest in so many different ways.

I just wanted you to know that I understand you. I see you. I know you will heal from this.

Lpg

Congrats on 7 years that awesome. And I didn't look at it that way, alcohol is everywhere too.

​​​​​What things did you do in the beginning to help keep it going? And how long did it take for you to feel the urge to smoke subside?

zerothehero

I was still drinking when I quit smoking, but I quit drinking shortly after, as well. I believe the urges or cravings for THC, cannabis, and opioids, as well, were less about wanting the drugs and more about not wanting to face the reality of my own mind without the drugs. Buddha shared that we all suffer, and that suffering is about fighting reality, wishing things were different, clinging and pushing away, and that meditation is the avenue toward radical acceptance of self and reality as it is. I started reading about mindful recovery, mindfulness, Buddhist texts, and related studies. I took weekend and weeklong meditation retreats. Most importantly, I practiced until it hit me that I can have any thought, any emotion, any craving, any desire - and do nothing about them. And, I developed other interests, hobbies, creative endeavors. So, it's about balancing doing and not doing, creating a new life while realizing nothing really needs to be done... So, urges are just urges, cravings are just cravings... They're not dangerous, they are tolerable, and we don't really have to do anything about them. It's not a fight; it's a letting go. Stay busy if that helps, while also learning to allow our experience without always needing to distract...

Lpg

Yeah that makes alot of sense. I think I'm scared to open the door on any suffering, I just don't want to feel it, talk about or relive it. maybe I just need to let it go?
And I just replaced the alcohol for more cannabis instead.
I have done some meditation but prob not enough. And when it comes to hobbies I'm not great at sticking at things, I seem to be quick to pick things up and drop them. Probably being stoned doesn't help with that issue 😅

Thanks for sharing that!

zerothehero

[QUOTE=Lpg;7563741. Probably being stoned doesn't help with that issue 😅
[/QUOTE]

For what it's worth, I tried meditating for years, but it wasn't until I stopped drinking and smoking that it started to have any effect or start making any real sense. And yes, substances, THC included (maybe especially), also tend to interfere with motivation and follow through.

Remember also, we will be chased by our demons until we turn toward them and stare them directly in the eyes. It will happen when you're ready, and you'll be ready when your mind is more steady. Meditation is about exactly that. Steadying the mind AND facing any thought or emotion that arises - and are not our demons really just thoughts and emotions? Memories are both conscious and unconscious. Allowing our minds to allow them reduces their power.

tursiops999

Free Owl, I'm glad to hear you'll be starting therapy to help with the grief. I started therapy a year ago, to process a huge backlog of grief that developed over losing my father three years ago. When I was stuck in grief, I didn't drink or use, but I engaged in a lot of other old behaviors that kept me from being present...distractions, overwork, negative thinking, blaming. The only way out was through...to feel that grief with the support of a good therapist. When I lost my mom this year, being in therapy helped me walk through the grief much more directly instead of avoiding and delaying. The gift of that work has been the capacity to be present again for my own life and for family and friends. Grief can appear very scary and overwhelming... But it will be so worth it to walk through to the other side of it. I am sorry for the loss of your sister, and wish you peace and comfort.

FreeOwl

Yes, it's the downside of the legality... not only are dispensaries all over the place, but now it's legal it seems ubiquitous. Everyone's walking around with some form of weed in their pocket. Is it harder? Well, perhaps. After all, here I am AGAIN, at Day One because of the 'always around' nature of it. That said, it's really no different than alcohol which is available at about three places per square mile on average around here.

I have witnessed myself playing interesting mindgames with myself. The same old mindgames that alcohol engendered. Subtle thoughts arising. Justifying not doing anything about the thoughts because I'm busy or just don't 'feel like' doing a recovery action instead of letting the thought arise. Like this one: Midmorning, the thought arises that later when there's going to be an occasion to be around it and partake. The right thing to do at that moment would have been: Make a post and out myself and also remind myself actively of my desire to be free by reading my old posts, do a journal entry, call a friend, take a step. But instead.... just brushing it off with a subtle sort of awareness that maybe, I mean.... MAYBE just a little.....

Then ignoring that and moving on with the day and then when the later occasion arises - BAM. Just say "ah, screw it.... you already had some yesterday so a little today is no biggie".

This is also a little bit of a challenge because I'm not 'beating myself up' or carrying shame about these failures.... purposely, because I don't want to defeat myself or lead to further sliding... but then I'm like; 'wait; is this ANOTHER mind game? I'm being easy on myself by not considering this a total relapse of my overall recovery and my sobriety...... "

But, here I am again and I'm gonna keep at it.

FreeOwl

Thank you... I really appreciate the support and empathy.

You hit the nail on the head. Maybe it 'served me' in some way for a time to lean on the crutch of cannabis.... but it's undeniably serving that role. A crutch. And not a healthy one.... Even a real, actual crutch when used properly is used as a rehabilitative sort of device, in concert with physical therapy and so on. I've been relying on cannabis AS a crutch for a lot of pain - from my sister to my personal failings in business this year to my fear and anxiety about the future and my ongoing misalignment between my sense of purpose and what the hell I'm gonna do with my life.

I'm really looking forward to my meeting with my therapist this week and the upcoming testing I have with a psychologist to help get down to a better idea of how the combination of depression / ADD / Addiction / Anxiety are co-mingled in me and how best to proceed with the right balance of recovery tools, therapy, meds.... I've been on antidepressants which were helping, but I think this year's burdens were just overwhelming and that opened the door to 'self-medication'.

Lpg

Hey freeowl

Well I went back yesterday to read over my old posts just to see really where iv been going wrong, and I was shocked to see my first post about using cannabis and wanting to quit was.... 3 YEARS AGO 😮
you have had a long stint before... You know you can do it, you've done it and you will do it again. Just gotta keep trying.

When you said there was an occasion to be around it and possibly partake, is it a social thing & is avoiding the situation possible? I know with alcohol I had to avoid alot of situations in the beginning to keep away from drinking again.

FreeOwl

It was a family situation.... and what I did was I noticed myself leaving that door open. It wasn't a conscious "I'm gonna do this" or even a "maybe later I can...."

It was more of a subliminal awareness... like a choice already made..... and I OBSERVED myself feeling that. It was familiar because I've witnessed myself do it hundreds of times before with alcohol. Like, looking over at a corner of my own self-awareness and catching me in mid-fantasy about using later and instead of saying "I SEE WHAT YOU'RE PLANNING AND YOU CAN JUST FORGET IT" - I looked the other way...

And here I am back on DAY ONE again because of it....

Seven years of sobriety from alcohol today though, so I will celebrate that with love and presence and I will keep on working my recovery because dangit, recovery is a better life.

Lpg

Huge congratulations on 7 years that's amazing freeowl ​​​