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Why I won't smoke weed today

Old 12-11-2020, 04:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
FreeOwl, I think you're doing great and I think it's great that you're dealing with the mental health issues.
Thanks, Anna!

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Old 12-12-2020, 06:23 AM
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Day Four dawns with an increasing sense of clarity, less scattered brain, more presence with my family.

I had more trouble sleeping. I had a migraine hit me at 4am. I had thoughts of weed here and there.... but from a removed perspective, not a craving or anything.

And coughing fits. I've been experiencing some shortness of breath since March.... wheezing more recently.... today it's gotten a little worse and I wonder if something in my lungs is loosening up after giving them a break from daily onslaught of smoke.

Glad to be free of cannabis haze. Working to funnel my restlessness into productive efforts - like tending to bills and bugeting and clutter that has grown worse over the past year (I'm sure there's literally NO correlation between these obvious signs of an unmanageable life and my return to cannabis use...).

Happy Sober Saturday.

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Old 12-12-2020, 08:42 AM
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Happy sober Saturday FreeOwl.
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Old 12-12-2020, 11:29 AM
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Enjoy the weekend FreeOwl

D
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Old 12-13-2020, 04:06 AM
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Day five... awaking from having had night sweats quite badly. Happening a LOT this year. I'm not sure what that's about, but it's become a norm. Last night's fitful sleep came with marijuana dreams. A stolen bus, fleeing from something. Trying to get places in this madcap caper of a dream, coursing through Mexico, trying to avoid being caught, continuing to try and sneak away with weed in my pocket to find a moment to roll a joint and get high.

I don't think people who don't have problematic relationships with substances have dreams about their substance use. Yet another mirroring of my experience with alcohol.

I also had several fleeting thoughts - not so much cravings, but definite moments yesterday where I had serious, fleeting considerations of running out to a dispensary.

So, more evidence.

This morning I journaled. Haven't done so in quite a while.

Last night, I had a deep and meaningful conversation with a good friend whom I've had little time or connection with over the past 9 months - despite sharing an office.

Each day, I've gone outside and I've asked for help..... a sponsor once coached me, "In the morning, just say 'please help me'.... at night before bed, just say 'thank you'.... that's the only thing you need to do to connect with your Higher Power.

So I've been doing that again. Hadn't done it in a long time. It does work.

Happy Sunday everyone.

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Old 12-14-2020, 04:28 AM
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aaaaaand.... back to Day One.

Yesterday a family member came with some cannabis oil and I partook a little. On the bright side, it wasn't a lot and it didn't really impair my day beyond being a little bit fuzzy. I went on a long run with my teenage daughter and had a lot of good conversation with her, plotting and planning and helping her think through her goals as a musician..... so I'm glad that my decision to partake in that didn't remove me from my present life or negatively impact me or my family in the moment. I also slept well for the first time in a week..... but, that's obviously just because the re-introduction of cannabis into my system made my nerves settle enough to just knock out at bedtime....

Anyway, I'm here again, it's Day One again, I'm not going to get lost in shame over that choice. I'm just going to put it out here, look at why I chose that, journal and stay sober and clean today.

Curiously, I also had a very good friend reach out to me yesterday - torn over his father's late-stage alcoholism. He was seeking an ear, he didn't want to keep bringing his father alcohol anymore... his father begging him to.... he, knowing if he stops his father is likely to die very soon of his withdrawals. That summoned up some things for me - including scratching the lock on the box in which I've been keeping the emotions about losing my sister this year to addiction.

I have my work laid out before me....

Thanks for listening.

Off to Sober-Clean Monday.

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Old 12-14-2020, 02:52 PM
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Yeah you really do have your work cut out for you, man.
Its so easy to rationalise a positive from a bad decision.

I thought I was there for everyone too no matter how high I was, but I can't tell you the number of folks who've told me since they're so glad to see the real authentic sober me back.

I feel better too - I wasn't giving 100%.

I remember I'd be thinking God, I hope I don't appear as stoned as I feel....you can't give undivided attention with those kinds of sub scripts going on.

D
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Old 12-14-2020, 03:48 PM
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It sounds like you need to work on your ability to say 'no' to cannabis in the critical moments when you experience triggers, cravings, it's around you etc. I personally find this the most essential skill in maintaining my sobriety now, everything else is pretty easy relative to this. You see, it would definitely be better if the drug was not directly around you, at least not in your house. I would tell my relatives and friends that I quit and don't want it to be offered or used around me. I personally would not let anyone drink alcohol in my home now (probably for a good while) and would not accept of it was gifted to me, in any form. I think that's a fair request, they can go elsewhere to enjoy it.

What helped you the most when you quit alcohol, at the beginning? Maybe try to apply the same things now to cannabis? It seems like you have the desire and motivation to quit but perhaps don't know how to handle the temptations in those moments in a steady manner. I find many of the same skills I originally learned to handle my drinking urges quite helpful to combat other vices/self-defeating temptations and behaviors as well, for example when I feel like distracting myself and procrastinate important tasks - those are mostly just other forms of escape and choosing immediate gratification in the moment over something much more constructive and rewarding in the grander scheme.

You can do this, your sobriety from alcohol demonstrates that well!
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Old 12-14-2020, 10:42 PM
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Weed is tricky because it's not as damaging as alcohol or other substances nor are the consequences anywhere near the others to most people. So if you want to quit when you get the urge you really have to figure out a either a feeling the drug gives you that you don't like or something it may lead to that would have serious consequences.

I just always tell myself that if I smoke I know eventually I'll get bored of it and go right back to drinking or worse. That may not work for you but something like that maybe? Think about lung cancer or increasing anxiety or how it is making you smoke when you don't want to, the amount of money you'll save etc....
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Old 12-15-2020, 03:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Yeah you really do have your work cut out for you, man.
Its so easy to rationalise a positive from a bad decision.

I thought I was there for everyone too no matter how high I was, but I can't tell you the number of folks who've told me since they're so glad to see the real authentic sober me back.

I feel better too - I wasn't giving 100%.

I remember I'd be thinking God, I hope I don't appear as stoned as I feel....you can't give undivided attention with those kinds of sub scripts going on.

D
Yes.... I know. And, I really didn't mean to rationalize the decision as a positive. I guess I was looking for some ammo to stave off shame.

It definitely matches the same old patterns. The writing is definitely on the wall.

I'm not going to try and justify....

Going through the same 'hoops' it seems. In some ways, it makes me wish that cannabis came with greater consequences!!

Here's to a clean and sober Tuesday.

Thanks, D!
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Old 12-15-2020, 03:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Aellyce2 View Post
It sounds like you need to work on your ability to say 'no' to cannabis in the critical moments when you experience triggers, cravings, it's around you etc. I personally find this the most essential skill in maintaining my sobriety now, everything else is pretty easy relative to this. You see, it would definitely be better if the drug was not directly around you, at least not in your house. I would tell my relatives and friends that I quit and don't want it to be offered or used around me. I personally would not let anyone drink alcohol in my home now (probably for a good while) and would not accept of it was gifted to me, in any form. I think that's a fair request, they can go elsewhere to enjoy it.

What helped you the most when you quit alcohol, at the beginning? Maybe try to apply the same things now to cannabis? It seems like you have the desire and motivation to quit but perhaps don't know how to handle the temptations in those moments in a steady manner. I find many of the same skills I originally learned to handle my drinking urges quite helpful to combat other vices/self-defeating temptations and behaviors as well, for example when I feel like distracting myself and procrastinate important tasks - those are mostly just other forms of escape and choosing immediate gratification in the moment over something much more constructive and rewarding in the grander scheme.

You can do this, your sobriety from alcohol demonstrates that well!
Yep, it's the same learning process I had to go through in early attempts at not drinking I guess.

Immediate gratification tendencies are strong in me..... maybe in all who are wired with addiction?

I felt in retrospect the same feeling of regret and frustration as I'd become so familiar with in similar situations with alcohol in early, failed attempts at sobriety.

Again - my approach to this, for my own sanity, has to be NOT to get too down on myself, not to allow it to be shaming and failure, but to use that incident as evidence and experience and information... and to keep at it.

Tuesdays are fantastic days to not use substances... don't you think???



Happy clean and sober tuesday, all.

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Old 12-15-2020, 04:00 AM
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Originally Posted by BornSurvivor View Post
Weed is tricky because it's not as damaging as alcohol or other substances nor are the consequences anywhere near the others to most people. So if you want to quit when you get the urge you really have to figure out a either a feeling the drug gives you that you don't like or something it may lead to that would have serious consequences.

I just always tell myself that if I smoke I know eventually I'll get bored of it and go right back to drinking or worse. That may not work for you but something like that maybe? Think about lung cancer or increasing anxiety or how it is making you smoke when you don't want to, the amount of money you'll save etc....
I've actually been quietly really worried about lung cancer.... that's been part of my observation over the past 7+ months.... I had some sort of shortness of breath, wheezing, rattling, cough..... it wasn't going away.... still there really.... and yet I KEPT SMOKING. If that alone isn't evidence of addiction, I don't know what is.

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Old 12-19-2020, 01:53 PM
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I used pot as a better alternative to alcohol as well. I’m now done with both. The point of sobriety for me is learning how to do life without having to numb myself from it. The weed stunted growth for me. Im doing life with eyes wide open and feeling all the feelings.
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Old 12-19-2020, 02:41 PM
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Hows it going FreeOwl ?

D
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Old 12-19-2020, 02:51 PM
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Smoking weed is like smoking cigarettes. You can get COPD from it. COPD is a very ugly disease to have. Im sure someone will chime in and say 'weed ia safer than tobacco'.

Any type of smoke inhalation is harmful for your lungs...
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Old 12-21-2020, 03:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hows it going FreeOwl ?

D
well.... I'm back to the drawing board. And another Day One. More evidence and ammunition from my experience to reinforce that cannabis is another substance that has the effect that alcohol or other substances do: it takes over and then it's not really ME making the decisions. Or, it's ME... but it's the addictive brain center kicking the rest of ME out of the driver's seat.

Anyway. This week I saw myself rationalize. Plan to use edibles. Purposely avoid logging onto Sober Recovery because I wanted to avoid acknowledging my cannabis use, go for a long run with a friend - who sought some advice about his drinking - but we're running on cannabis..... and today I awake from having had cannabis all weekend feeling the same weight of failure and shame and lack of 'control' that was deeply associated with the result of a drinking binge when seeking sobriety.

It's the same. damn. thing.

And all I can do is dust myself off, admit that I'm beat by this thing, turn back to the tools and make the choice. Again.

I'm 48. To be nearly half a century old and caught up with substances at all while my life moves along the tides of experience without me - because I'm deadened with drugs - isn't what I want. And for me it's not helpful to any real end.

I am powerless over cannabis and my life has become unmanageable
I believe that a power greater than myself can help restore me to sanity
Today, I turn my life and my will over to that power as I understand it

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Old 12-21-2020, 08:33 AM
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I'm glad you're back, free owl.
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Old 12-21-2020, 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by tursiops999 View Post
I'm glad you're back, free owl.
thank you, tursiops.... me too.

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Old 12-21-2020, 12:37 PM
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It's the same. damn. thing.

And all I can do is dust myself off, admit that I'm beat by this thing, turn back to the tools and make the choice. Again.

I'm 48. To be nearly half a century old and caught up with substances at all while my life moves along the tides of experience without me - because I'm deadened with drugs - isn't what I want. And for me it's not helpful to any real end.

I am powerless over cannabis and my life has become unmanageable
I believe that a power greater than myself can help restore me to sanity
Today, I turn my life and my will over to that power as I understand it
spot on

A new Beginning
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Old 12-21-2020, 02:18 PM
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Hi FO,


my problem isn’t pot, it’s alcohol. Feel like a fool coming back to SR, lurking, then not following through with my resolve


to me, the biggest issue is lying to myself, ie, not keeping my promise to love myself, to remember what it’s like to be FREE.

i understand your struggle, even though it’s a different substance.

all the confidence we can make it. It’s our choice.

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