cerd2000

I was wondering how exactly I should address my alcohol addiction to other people? Friends, colleagues, new acquaintances and so on.

I live in a country with a heavy drinking culture. Alcohol is cheap, easily available and fully socially accepted. It's so widespread that on many social occasions you have to justify yourself if you don't drink. It's actually seen as weird if a person categorically refuses alcohol, especially men.

I'm still very early in my journey to sobriety. I consumed alcohol almost daily in 2019 and 2020 and quit cold turkey in the beginning of November 2020. I suffered from a few relapses unfortunately, but at least the time spans between relapse and sobriety became larger every time. I'm supervised by a therapist and a psychiatrist.

I'm 30 now. I have 13 years of risky alcohol consumption and 2 years of nearly daily alcohol consumption. If I don't quit right now I know for a fact that I will become fully addicted to alcohol very soon (physically and psychologically).

I've never been to rehab, but would definitely consider doing it if I should fail doing this with ambulant care only.

Right now there's lockdown in the entire country. This actually helps me, because bars and all entertainment opportunities are closed. I'm unemployed because of Corona which is bad, but at least enables me to fully concentrate on my alcohol addiction.

I'm confident that I can manage to stay sober until the new year.

My biggest worry is what will happen once lockdown is lifted? How will I explain my zero-tolerance policy towards alcohol to friends, new job colleagues and new aquaintances?

I watch a lot of Youtube channels from ex-alcoholics and some say that you should outright say that you are a sober alcoholic and never be allowed to drink ever again and others say you shouldn't declare yourself because it might scare people off. Psychological disorders are still a big taboo in our societies. Especially if people don't know you.

Which would happen to me, because I most likely will have to move to another town for a job where I don't know anybody. I will have to start from scratch in a new large town where I don't know anybody. I've always been socially unsecure, but this scenario most likely will strongly test my sobriety.

Cause never in my life did I go out partying without alcohol. Never did I met strange people on weekends and never did I spend vacations without alcohol. Most of my friends are consuming alcohol regurlarly, weekly basically. Because of Corona all of those issues were irrelevant, but I want to prepare for the day where I will go out on a date/party/social occasion/holiday and everybody will drink except me.

It is very hard to say no to alcohol in your own 4 private walls, but I imagine it to be even much more difficult saying no to alcohol in a social setting where everybody else is drinking.

How do you behave in those scenarios? What do you exactly tell people if they ask why you don't drink? How do you manage to stay sober in those dangerous situations?

nez

"Because I don't want to."
If they get pushy and ask why
"Alcohol does nothing for me that I can't do for myself."

vkf

I'm sure I'm not addressing all your concerns but for me I had to get comfortable with my sobriety if that makes sense. Use the time of being away from the scene to work on sobriety. It was a little strange at first but now I don't give a flip what others think. They don't like me cause of not drinking then they can bite me.

When people ask why I'm not drinking, I just say I gave it up. Had enough of it and don't miss it one bit. Most folks just move on from the topic. Just be confident because its your life not theirs. And its a life worth living.

Ringside

Particularly since you are confident you won't be in a position to have this conversation with anyone for some time, my suggestion is to focus on today and breaking your drinking habit one day, one minute, at a time, instead of imagining what might or might not happen at some indeterminate point in the future.

I say this as someone who has been in your position - stopping drinking a month ago with a few "relapses" since then means you just haven't stopped drinking. Don't get ahead of yourself! You'll get there, but start with today. There will be plenty of time to have this conversation when you've got some more stability. All the best.

Anna

I think it's important to remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you are not drinking. A simple 'No, thank you' should always be sufficient. My recovery is a very personal journey and it's not something I talk about with people outside of SR. If someone asks you why you're saying 'no thanks' to a drink, they are being rude. That said, I stayed away from situations where alcohol was involved for many months in my first year of recovery because I wanted to feel comfortable before being around alcohol again. I think it's important to consider that lifestyle changes are often needed to support recovery since you said you've always been around alcohol on vacations, partying and meeting people. I'm glad that you know you need to stop drinking.

least

If I am asked why I'm not drinking, I either say, "Does it bother you that I'm not drinking?" Or, "I used to drink, that's why I don't drink now."

You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you're not drinking. Anyone who pushes you for a reason is being rude, as Anna said.

Steely

Different cultures certainly do have different attitudes towards alcohol consumption cerd2000, particularly if you are a man. Really backward attitude when you think about it. Think too that many people give us a hard time if we don't drink, because in some ways are jealous, and would like to possess the courage you are showing.

I'm a woman, but have felt the sting from others when declining a drink. Australia has a strong alcohol culture too. Happily this is changing, with far fewer young people drinking alcohol. Consumption amongst older people declining as well. Maybe, in giving it up, you could become part of the vanguard that sees alcohol consumption decline in your country as well. But back to you....

It really is no-ones business if you choose not to drink. NO-ONES! This is a great lesson in self-assertion, and confidence in self. A lesson you will never regret in ALL areas of your life.

I used to tell people I was on anti-biotics, and couldn't drink as contraindicated. I knew someone who drank water on ice, pretending to others she was drinking vodka. I also stayed away from venues where I knew alcohol would be flowing. I find this type of environment utterly boring now, so I don't attend because would rather be doing something interesting, with interesting people.

I make no 'excuses' anymore cerd2000. People can bite their bottoms if they don't like my life choices. I know what I need, and simply decline, and say I don't drink. In the beginning you'll get questions from people, answer them with honesty, and BREVITY. You owe them nothing really. You owe YOURSELF everything.

Each time you are able to decline a drink you will grow stronger in your response, because you will know how much better it is to be sober.

Dee74

I live in Australia too
I say 'no thanks I don't drink alcohol'.

I assumed everyone thought as much about drinking as I did, so I expected to be interrogated for that statement but it's very rarely happened to me.

Most of the questions come from old friends or family who knew me as a drinker - and the reason I don't drink now should be obvious to them...but as I say...very small number.

The worlds moved on since I took my last drink in 2007 - it's much more socially acceptable not to drink now - for reasons of health, and an awareness of the health risks of drinking alcohol, for example...or the sheer convenience of not having to call a cab or uber.

Most people are just not interested in whether I drink or not.
I bet you'll find the same

D

Eddiebuckle

The very few times I was challenged as to why I wasn't drinking and felt the person was deserving of an answer, I simply told them I quit drinking. If that wasn't enough detail, I also said that I got the sense that the tail was starting to wag the dog so I chose to quit altogether. The truth was obviously far worse than that, but people don't need to know and rarely care anyway.

Regardless, sobriety is never something to apologize for and if the above isn't sufficient, I would recommend you get the **** out of where ever you are if it occurs because it would mean you are surrounded by people who don't give a damn about you.

sortofhomecomin

My view is that rehab is a very good experience for a lot of people, and certainly worth bearing in mind. I'm glad you are seeking supports via a therapist and psychiatrist.

Buttery

I outright tell people it has been a problem and if they don’t like it it’s their problem as I’m proud of my sobriety and have learned a lot on the way about compassion and not passing judgement on the unknown. Addiction is a world wide problem and should not be tabooed as it is. Would be so much easier to prevent if people talked about it openly. The people I have lost since outing my self were not worth lying to my self for. Those who stuck around have shown that they genuinely care. My whole world came crashing down as it was family, friends, work but all of a sudden there were no more lies and I got the help and support I needed. If you let it this will drag you down.

best reason I ever heard if you don’t want to tell people is just to say that it changes you and you don’t like who you become. Or in other words just say I’m not a nice person when I drink.

Steely

Good one Buttery.

advbike

Ok, I usually say something similar, like "me and alcohol don't get along" or some other trite response, but things really are different in other cultures, especially with regard to alcohol, food, relationships, traditions, and especially driving, haha.. A lot of important bonding is done over meals and drinking, especially among men, In parts of Europe they still drink at lunch. You can't just throw the question back at someone like you do here in the states. They might be genuinely concerned, or in some cases take serious offense. And it's often taken a sign of weakness if you say that you can't handle drinking.

I was dating a woman overseas and will never forget the look on her fathers face the first time we met, when he offered me a drink and I told him I didn't drink. Ugh. He was really disappointed. I should have planned ahead for it and had her mention it to him. But I understand where the OP is coming from, because they never understand your not wanting to have a drink with them in some cultures.

Ultimately the important thing is to be comfortable in your sobriety, then it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks. But for now try to avoid social situations, which is probably best anyway. If you do need an excuse there is always marathon training or some variation thereof. You're in training and have decided not drink until it's over. Respect! By then there will be another one to train for, haha. Or some type of medical excuse. Lots of options there and it wouldn't be a lie because it is actually for health reasons. Most common is the one mentioned above about alcohol interfering with a medication you're on. But eventually you just have to get comfortable saying you don't drink.

Velvetee

What worked for me in the past before I relapsed, and only when people insisted, otherwise it was, no thanks:
- exercise goals, alcohol sets me off in terms of strength and muscle growth
Now
- I'm on meds that are not compatible with alcohol
Works wonders!

Be123

I felt like you that i needed an answer, but in reality it hasn't been an issue. A few people have taken the Mickey a bit about being 'under the thumb' but nobody ACTUALLY CARES whether I drink or not. Only me, and because I drank obsessively I thought people thought about me drinking obsessively. Turns out they've got their own stuff going on!

I did give a good line to someone who asked me whether id 'just have one' which was "It's not the first one that's the problem". That's deep man 😁

FreeOwl

I still remember feeling this way.... my own fears of being judged by others' perceived expectations keeping me from making the clearly-needed choice to embrace sobriety.

It felt weird for the first 2-3 years. I then found myself feeling not only "OK" about my sobriety but also really good about it. I worked for the first few years to accept it, to embrace it, to build lists of sober people I admired, to explain myself away in lots of ways.

Eventually, it really just became me and I no longer even flinch or think twice. "No thanks, I don't drink" is all it really takes. On the rare occasion anyone presses further, I just say something mildly humorous like "I got a lifetime worth of drinking done by the time I was 40.... used up all my credits"..... or simply "I'm allergic to alcohol. Makes me break out in handcuffs". Or "Listen, I'm enough of a handful SOBER.... you don't need me lighting up this place drunk!".

For me, that burning need to drink because 'everyone' was doing it really just revealed a lot of self-esteem and self-worth issues. Enough sobriety and enough time as ME in the world without alcohol and that all went away. I think it allowed me to be OK in my own skin.

You'll get there, too.

DriGuy

You can avoid the alcoholic label entirely. It's not relevant to others, and teaching them about alcoholism isn't your job. You don't need to lie, but you don't need to confess either. You just don't want to drink. I've been sober for many years. At first, I had a strange compulsion to explain why I didn't drink. In retrospect, that compulsion to explain was totally unnecessary. If someone asked me why I don't drink today, I would just tell them I don't drink. If they asked why, I would tell them I don't drink because I don't want to. To me this is a totally honest response, and any disclosure beyond that is irrelevant.

When I drank, I thought everyone drank. One of my big surprises after I got sober was that many people don't drink at all, and it's no big deal to them that they don't. I honestly didn't realize how many people didn't drink, because I didn't hang out with them and they didn't make a big deal out of it when I did.

Cityboy

cerd, once I got past about the first 90 days, the social concerns you are expressing have been non-issues. When people offer me something, I just say that I quit. No big deal. Not a single time has anyone badgered me about it. Many people who are actively drinking become self conscious and uncomfortable.

I've made several off the cuff comments which seem to take the air out of it. For example, someone may ask what time I want to meet in the morning to look at a job, and I say something like "since I quit drinking beer after work I get up at 4:30 every morning anyway so you tell me when you want to meet ".

Good luck with it. Stop worrying. Less stress and anxiety is the real key.

Zencat

I use a humorous approach to turn down alcohol/drugs. I'll say: I'm allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I breakout in handcuffs.
or try these lines;

I quit drinking ….everything. Even water.

No thanks, my new liver hasn’t arrived yet

No thanks, my chauffeur is getting the police car serviced.

No thanks, I’m pregnant. (works best for men)

SoberInCLE

Agree that it's the people you used to drink with that will be the most reluctant to accept it. Normal drinkers won't care cause they can take it or leave it.