What should I do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 1
What should I do?
I started dating a girl early in the year. She was not working as a bartender due to Covid and some mental health issues. We hit it off very quickly and a romance blossomed fast. Everything was hyper speed (which was mostly from me). She would consistently drink at least 4 glasses of wine a night (most times more) while taking 150 mg of Seroquel anti-depressants. At first, I kept quiet as I didn’t want to ruin what I was hoping to be a good thing. After several months, I started trying to drop hints and do activities that didn’t involve alcohol. This was a failed attempt. The majority of our nights consisted of dinner and tv with her drinking. I would have the odd glass (to actually limit the amount she could drink in the night). Eventually, I confronted her on it after she got drunk and dropped my dog trying to pick her up. She seemed very willing to comply with my request and agreed to do a “dry November”. Sadly her birthday falls in November and a my families birthday dinner for her she had a few glasses of wine which then lead to drinking the rest of the month sans one night I lost my cool.
Last week she confronted me saying I was trying to control her about her drinking and lack of working (I would offer her ideas of other lines of work and even offered her a partime position in the company I own). She told me “I am a bartender”. That’s what I want to do. The talk continued for a few days and I relented and gave in to her wishes. After going missing for a night while out drinking I told her I had to put my foot down (I was raised by a parent that would go binge drinking for days on a time and disappear). Out of the blue, she told me that she couldn’t take me trying to control her life and said she needed time to herself. As I write this she is at friends house where all they do is party. I get that the relationship is probably not mendable as we come from different worlds but I don’t know how to handle it from here. I care for her deeply but also can’t go back to the way I lived growing up.
Any words of advice would help
Last week she confronted me saying I was trying to control her about her drinking and lack of working (I would offer her ideas of other lines of work and even offered her a partime position in the company I own). She told me “I am a bartender”. That’s what I want to do. The talk continued for a few days and I relented and gave in to her wishes. After going missing for a night while out drinking I told her I had to put my foot down (I was raised by a parent that would go binge drinking for days on a time and disappear). Out of the blue, she told me that she couldn’t take me trying to control her life and said she needed time to herself. As I write this she is at friends house where all they do is party. I get that the relationship is probably not mendable as we come from different worlds but I don’t know how to handle it from here. I care for her deeply but also can’t go back to the way I lived growing up.
Any words of advice would help
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Two options.
Run away or hang on/brace yourself for anything can happen time.
My wife stuck with me for about 15 years as unknowingly I death spiraled into a fairly deep hell on earth drinking.
So now that "I" decided to clean up my act/change my lifestyle I love her more than ever. She is my ride or die.
There are no guarantees in life and especially in relationships. Bad things can happen whether your girl drinks or not. There are simply no guarantees.
Whatever you decide, good things may or may not happen or visa versa. Wish there was a lock step answer. Sorry.
My 2 cents is this: if you really care for this person, learn all you can about addiction. The bottom line is the only way an addict is going to quit is when they are ready.
If she is anything like me, she won't quit until she is good and ready which my be another 20 years or longer.
Quitting being a drug addict, drinking in my case, was the hardest thing I have ever done. Even at my clean time, I still have relapse potential.
It even happens to the best. e.g. Robin Williams
Thanks.
Run away or hang on/brace yourself for anything can happen time.
My wife stuck with me for about 15 years as unknowingly I death spiraled into a fairly deep hell on earth drinking.
So now that "I" decided to clean up my act/change my lifestyle I love her more than ever. She is my ride or die.
There are no guarantees in life and especially in relationships. Bad things can happen whether your girl drinks or not. There are simply no guarantees.
Whatever you decide, good things may or may not happen or visa versa. Wish there was a lock step answer. Sorry.
My 2 cents is this: if you really care for this person, learn all you can about addiction. The bottom line is the only way an addict is going to quit is when they are ready.
If she is anything like me, she won't quit until she is good and ready which my be another 20 years or longer.
Quitting being a drug addict, drinking in my case, was the hardest thing I have ever done. Even at my clean time, I still have relapse potential.
It even happens to the best. e.g. Robin Williams
Thanks.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
It would seem that she's chosen to drink over having a relationship with you. 
This is reason to be sad and upset, but also an early warning of what life with her would be like, and it's not pretty.
I would let her go and chalk it up to a lesson learned.
This is reason to be sad and upset, but also an early warning of what life with her would be like, and it's not pretty. I would let her go and chalk it up to a lesson learned.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi and welcome Concernedex11 
some of us here are alcoholic, some are substance abusers, some are loved ones of alcoholics or addicts, some of us tick more the one box.
The one things we'll all tell you is you cant love someone into recovery.
They either want to stop or they don't.
Sounds like this girl is not ready to stop - she may be some day, she never be.
You have to decide how you feel about that and make the right decision for yourself based on right now
There's not years of history in this thing so it's a good time to make a decision.
Its tough and I'm sorry for that...but you will find support and understanding here
D
some of us here are alcoholic, some are substance abusers, some are loved ones of alcoholics or addicts, some of us tick more the one box.
The one things we'll all tell you is you cant love someone into recovery.
They either want to stop or they don't.
Sounds like this girl is not ready to stop - she may be some day, she never be.
You have to decide how you feel about that and make the right decision for yourself based on right now
There's not years of history in this thing so it's a good time to make a decision.
Its tough and I'm sorry for that...but you will find support and understanding here
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 94
You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. I’m recovered from alcohol myself and I can guarantee you no matter how many people “put their foot down” it had no effect. Maybe for a few days but then I would stop caring. At the time I would just let them walk away if they weren’t willing to put up with it.
it’s great that you obviously care about her enough as some would walk away before this. If you think that it is a problem you can try to explain that but be very open minded to what the reaction is. As much as I was spiralling and knew there was a problem I didn’t want to hear it and even when I acknowledged it sought help it still took years until it finally clicked and a lot of damage on the way. You can only help someone who wants it. I know it’s hard watching someone throw everything away and feel powerless but it’s just the way it is unfortunately.
Addiction is a nasty illness and once it has a hold on you it is overpowering. The little voice that tells you to carry on is probably one of the strongest people will feel and it is hard to ignore.
it’s great that you obviously care about her enough as some would walk away before this. If you think that it is a problem you can try to explain that but be very open minded to what the reaction is. As much as I was spiralling and knew there was a problem I didn’t want to hear it and even when I acknowledged it sought help it still took years until it finally clicked and a lot of damage on the way. You can only help someone who wants it. I know it’s hard watching someone throw everything away and feel powerless but it’s just the way it is unfortunately.
Addiction is a nasty illness and once it has a hold on you it is overpowering. The little voice that tells you to carry on is probably one of the strongest people will feel and it is hard to ignore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Concernedex11 
I started dating a girl early in the year. She was not working as a bartender due to Covid and some mental health issues. We hit it off very quickly and a romance blossomed fast. Everything was hyper speed (which was mostly from me). She would consistently drink at least 4 glasses of wine a night (most times more) while taking 150 mg of Seroquel anti-depressants. At first, I kept quiet as I didn’t want to ruin what I was hoping to be a good thing. After several months, I started trying to drop hints and do activities that didn’t involve alcohol. This was a failed attempt. The majority of our nights consisted of dinner and tv with her drinking. I would have the odd glass (to actually limit the amount she could drink in the night). Eventually, I confronted her on it after she got drunk and dropped my dog trying to pick her up. She seemed very willing to comply with my request and agreed to do a “dry November”. Sadly her birthday falls in November and a my families birthday dinner for her she had a few glasses of wine which then lead to drinking the rest of the month sans one night I lost my cool.
Last week she confronted me saying I was trying to control her about her drinking and lack of working (I would offer her ideas of other lines of work and even offered her a partime position in the company I own). She told me “I am a bartender”. That’s what I want to do. The talk continued for a few days and I relented and gave in to her wishes. After going missing for a night while out drinking I told her I had to put my foot down (I was raised by a parent that would go binge drinking for days on a time and disappear). Out of the blue, she told me that she couldn’t take me trying to control her life and said she needed time to herself. As I write this she is at friends house where all they do is party. I get that the relationship is probably not mendable as we come from different worlds but I don’t know how to handle it from here. I care for her deeply but also can’t go back to the way I lived growing up.
Any words of advice would help
Last week she confronted me saying I was trying to control her about her drinking and lack of working (I would offer her ideas of other lines of work and even offered her a partime position in the company I own). She told me “I am a bartender”. That’s what I want to do. The talk continued for a few days and I relented and gave in to her wishes. After going missing for a night while out drinking I told her I had to put my foot down (I was raised by a parent that would go binge drinking for days on a time and disappear). Out of the blue, she told me that she couldn’t take me trying to control her life and said she needed time to herself. As I write this she is at friends house where all they do is party. I get that the relationship is probably not mendable as we come from different worlds but I don’t know how to handle it from here. I care for her deeply but also can’t go back to the way I lived growing up.
Any words of advice would help
There's a book called Co-Dependent No More by Natalie Beatty.... you may find it helpful.
also: RUN AWAY.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The thing is, she is right. You *are* trying to control her behavior. This is who she is right now, for better or for worse (which is not for you to decide). It is truly much easier and healthier to continue looking for someone who is more compatible with what you are looking for than to continue trying to force this square peg into the round hole of what you want in a partner. We often find that someone is so close to what we want, but with some dealbreaker baked into who they are when we meet them--however close they are, they are still not what we are looking for.
i agree whole-heartedly with the poster who said it's best to move on from this and chalk it up to a lesson learned. You cannot save her from whatever road she is headed down, but you can save yourself what could potentially be years of misery wishing she was someone she is not.
i agree whole-heartedly with the poster who said it's best to move on from this and chalk it up to a lesson learned. You cannot save her from whatever road she is headed down, but you can save yourself what could potentially be years of misery wishing she was someone she is not.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Concernedex11
I care for her deeply but also can’t go back to the way I lived growing up.
I'm sorry you got hurt in this concerned, but if what you are saying above is your boundary, if you will not go back to that, then it truly is best to end the relationship right now, because that is where this is headed.
She has expressed that she doesn't have a problem with her drinking. You do. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion of her lifestyle as it relates to you, in knowing it is not for you, but you can't change her (and really, why would you want to? She is a grown up and can make her own choices).
You may want to have a look at the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum as well, I'm sure many threads there will resonate with you.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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