freedomfries

It was quite scary. I thought for sure I was going to be executed. I was imagining I was more hated than Hitler and I would suffer an extremely painful death. I also had another seizure. So my psychiatrist took me off one of the anti psychotics, so I feel more vulnerable.

I sometimes think the only way to escape this is to kill myself. But my parents would be sad if I did and I don't want to do that to them. I wish this would just stop happening.

I bought a can of lager the other day to help cope with the psychosis. But I didn't drink it. I gave it to my father. But I can't help but think alcohol would help. But then I'd be sick from the Antabuse which would make things work. I dunno I'm just ****** up right now.

Dee74

Alcohol can only help make things worse and I think deep down you know that FF.
Obviously these episodes are not going to go away - I hope you're working with doctors to try and work out a treatment plan.
They must be scary, i'm sorry.

freedomfries

im working with my psychiatrist about the psychotic episodes. And they're going to administer blood tests every two weeks to help prevent seizures.i know I can avoid seizures by drinking less water and diet soda . But I feel like the psychotic episodes are just getting more frequent. I wish they'd prescribe me xanax or something for when they're coming on but obviously not a good idea with my tendency towards addiction. I feel a bit powerless.

Steely

Truly FF, alcohol will only add to the problem irrespective of the Antabuse. You know that, I know you do.

As I've stated earlier my daughter has schizophrenia (I do not know your diagnosis) and has had a number of psychotic episodes. Since she stopped drinking her life (and mine) has become a lot more manageable. I'm glad I stopped too so as to give her good role model. Things aren't perfect by any means, but so much better since the alcohol has been removed.

Work closely with your psychiatrist and keep taking "the next right step." You will stabilise as the days tick by, and will come to know that life can be pretty good in the long run. It takes time to learn new ways of being.

Hang in there FF you have been doing so very, very well. We are on your side.

GerandTwine

Hi FF,

As a totally unique human being, you and your existence here and now, on this little blue ball in the universe, is priceless; beyond any materialistic value. Your ability to and the way you lay out what you are thinking and feeling very plainly tells me that you believe this even though there seems to be a strict moral good/bad influence in your background somewhere; an influence which the drunken you rejected and rebelled against (no wonder, most of us know what that was like). Your persistence to remain abstinent through your seizures and dangerous fluid intake also tells me that you value yourself very much.

But here’s another feature I recognize in you that might seem to contradict what I just said, but it really doesn’t.

You make yourself too important in other peoples’ minds, especially about some of your past behavior which you imagine is absolutely horrible and awful in these other peoples’ minds. You’ve gotta start cutting yourself more slack in this area of emotional health. I learned that, for me, simple guilt could be a crippling form of grandiosity. Yes, grandiosity. I learned to accept that I am simply not that important to other people. (And you know what? even if there are a few that might feel that way, screw it. Let them stew in it) Even now, I can act passive aggressively with procrastination and avoidance, but not as much because I refuse to let it keep me down. Life is short (especially when you get to my age). You’ve got a long future that we’d all like to see happen for you.

Now that I’ve said that, I’ll point out another apparent contradiction.

When you made your Big Plan, I mentioned how interesting it was that a simple comment from your mother about something nasty you said to your sister was the spark that caused that huge change of direction in your lifestyle. Well, that was a good outcome of your being highly tuned into caring about someone you love. That’s a good outcome from your being so sensitive to other peoples’ thoughts. So, it’s not all bad and now that you are abstinent, you are learning how to handle it all, gradually.

The fact that you know what’s happening around you and you can identify how you feel inside means everything to your ability to make progress. Demand as many psychological services possible. This means you must remain abstinent and you HAVE secured that with the shining jewel of recovery, your pledge to stay that way.

GT

freedomfries

I'm sorry your daughter has gone through that. They're really awful. My diagnosis is technically bipolar and that label has stuck but I feel schizophrenia probably fits better these last few years. I was originally having episodes of drug induced psychosis but over the years I starting having them without drugs involved. I think I badly damaged my brain from meth etc.

​​​​​​But good to hear she's doing better.

​​​​​​I'll work closely with my psychiatrist's team. Got to get these episodes under control if I want to finish college next year

freedomfries

Thanks GT. This makes sense to me. The part about grandiosity especially.

MythOfSisyphus

It sucks that you're going through this @freedomfries . Try to hang in there as your doctors work with you to get a handle on your condition. Drinking won't help and it may be that you're never 100% neurotypical but you should be able to get to where your life is good.

freedomfries

That's kind of scary to me. The fact that I might keep having these episodes. I know drinking would just make it worse though. But it sucks I might never be normal.

Dee74

My normal got expanded this week to ' Dee now wears orthotic braces to try and maintain the ability of walking'.
My reaction so far is but things will work out

Normal might seem an objective value but it's not - it's very subjective...noones normal is the same as mine, or yours...or theirs.

You'll find a way to manage this too, FF

D

freedomfries

Now I feel like an assh*le lol. Sorry about that.

freedomfries

Well just got back from a run. Feeling great now. Love that runner's high. I should have gone for a run when I started becoming psychotic. Might have helped. Can't wait to get out for another run on Sunday.

GerandTwine

See, there it is again: bad feelings from that super sensitivity about what you think other people are imagining about you. Well, it appears you dismissed them quickly with your run. Cool.

Anna

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, FF and I hope your doctors can come up with a treatment plan for your seizures so you don't feel so worried about it. And, the psychotic episodes must be scary, so keep easing up on the water and soda since that helps.

Dee74

I’m sorry if I made you feel that way FF - Not intended!
I just wanted to share that a lot of us are just ordinary people who have to deal with extraordinary things.

I hope you can learn to manage your problems and go onto lead a great life man

D

advbike

Dud, run every day if it works for you. I have always found aerobic exercise helps reduce my stress and make me feel good about myself, due to the flood of endorphins. The human body was meant to move, and there are tons of brain benefits proven in many studies. Running was the absolute best, but I stillI bike and hike and do some yoga at home. While you can still do it, take advantage of the massive benefit.

Newbeginning421

Alcohol is extremely dangerous if you are taking it with bipolar meds as it is a double whammy on the liver. I have a friend who is bipolar and used to be pretty healthy a lot of the time then go off the deep end once or twice a year and end up in the psych ward. He is much better about his diet, stress levels and doesn't use drugs or alcohol now and has not had to be hospitalized for years. Not saying it will be easy but if you have bipolar disorder staying off drugs and booze is extremely important.

Zencat

It helped me to write on paper some questions and a symptom list (drinking, wanting to drink) to discuss with your Psych Dr. It help to have that paper with me during my DR visit. An honest discussion with your Dr ls necessary for good treatments.

CBT helps me manage my symptoms in a healthy way. Maybe it can help you CBT information

Steely

Thank you for responding to me FF.

I agree with NewBeginnings that psych meds and alcohol do not make a good marriage. Really destroys liver. I saw this in my brother who also had schizophrenia, dying recently from liver complications. A terribly sad ending to a very good man. I don't say this to alarm you, just to state a crap reality. Very impressed that you have now stopped drinking, as has my daughter. Things are so much improved.

The episodes can be scary indeed, but only way forward is for you to take that "next right step." I.e. Don't drink alcohol; work closely with your psych to get your meds on track; and send all excess water to a country where people drink water from a polluted creek. They really do need it. Not even worth 'smiling' on that one, but you get my drift I'm sure.

You are doing so well FF, cut yourself some slack, and give yourself a big hug.

When I researched my daughter's excess consumption of water found it can be seen in schizophrenia, don't know about bi-polar. As earlier, she now has this under control. Must say she has glowing skin because still hydrates really well, but not excessively.

P.S. You are about as far removed from Hitler as Earth is from the Sun. ❤️

thomas11

FF, sorry to hear this. But, I will say, I am half crazy sober, when I drank nothing was off the table. Psychotic...maybe. My point is alcohol can really effect our brain chemistry. Rootin for ya.