my boyfriend is different now
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 7
my boyfriend is different now
hi everyone
i'm new here. i'm what is considered to be a "loved one" of a recovering addict. my boyfriend and I are very serious about each other. i'm very in love with him, and even more so now that he is out of detox. he abused xanax and fentanyl, and other drugs too when he couldn't find what he was looking for. he didn't stop until he went to treatment, so he basically quit cold turkey. today marks his 25th day sober, so he's still fairly new to this. he's in a lot of pain and he's growing impatient because he is experiencing prolonged withdrawal symptoms.
I knew this was going to be hard. but I truly underestimated how negatively it would impact out relationship. the person I fell in love with was head over heels in love with me, and showered me with love an affection. but now he's cold, distant, and we barely talk. I can tell he's forcing himself to talk to me. it's really painful because all I want to do is talk to him. he says he still loves me and knows that he wants to marry me. but I deep down, I know he doesn't feel as strongly as he did when we first started talking because he can't feel strongly about anything right now. he says he depressed and that he's numb. I feel like i'm mourning the loss of what we were because I know our relationship is never going to be the same. i've spoken to him about this and he keeps trying to reassure me that things will get better, that he won't always be like this. but I know he can't promise me that.
I'm joining a family support program with the treatment facility he's at now. hopefully that will help us as a couple. but i'm starting to feel hopeless and afraid that we'll never be madly in love again. what can I do to make this better? what should I do? if anyone has any other words they'd like to share, advice or encouragement, I would greatly appreciate it. thanks for reading x
i'm new here. i'm what is considered to be a "loved one" of a recovering addict. my boyfriend and I are very serious about each other. i'm very in love with him, and even more so now that he is out of detox. he abused xanax and fentanyl, and other drugs too when he couldn't find what he was looking for. he didn't stop until he went to treatment, so he basically quit cold turkey. today marks his 25th day sober, so he's still fairly new to this. he's in a lot of pain and he's growing impatient because he is experiencing prolonged withdrawal symptoms.
I knew this was going to be hard. but I truly underestimated how negatively it would impact out relationship. the person I fell in love with was head over heels in love with me, and showered me with love an affection. but now he's cold, distant, and we barely talk. I can tell he's forcing himself to talk to me. it's really painful because all I want to do is talk to him. he says he still loves me and knows that he wants to marry me. but I deep down, I know he doesn't feel as strongly as he did when we first started talking because he can't feel strongly about anything right now. he says he depressed and that he's numb. I feel like i'm mourning the loss of what we were because I know our relationship is never going to be the same. i've spoken to him about this and he keeps trying to reassure me that things will get better, that he won't always be like this. but I know he can't promise me that.
I'm joining a family support program with the treatment facility he's at now. hopefully that will help us as a couple. but i'm starting to feel hopeless and afraid that we'll never be madly in love again. what can I do to make this better? what should I do? if anyone has any other words they'd like to share, advice or encouragement, I would greatly appreciate it. thanks for reading x
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Thanks for posting here. There is also a section for loved ones of addicts I believe. Please give him time and do not push. You must understand that he is fighting for his life. Be supportive, let him know how you feel but do not badger him about his feelings or the status of your relationship right now - that could easily push him over into using again at this time when he is emotionally vulnerable. Just give him time and some space to process all he's going through.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 637
Originally Posted by kdperry4 
hi everyone
i'm new here. i'm what is considered to be a "loved one" of a recovering addict. my boyfriend and I are very serious about each other. i'm very in love with him, and even more so now that he is out of detox. he abused xanax and fentanyl, and other drugs too when he couldn't find what he was looking for. he didn't stop until he went to treatment, so he basically quit cold turkey. today marks his 25th day sober, so he's still fairly new to this. he's in a lot of pain and he's growing impatient because he is experiencing prolonged withdrawal symptoms.
I knew this was going to be hard. but I truly underestimated how negatively it would impact out relationship. the person I fell in love with was head over heels in love with me, and showered me with love an affection. but now he's cold, distant, and we barely talk. I can tell he's forcing himself to talk to me. it's really painful because all I want to do is talk to him. he says he still loves me and knows that he wants to marry me. but I deep down, I know he doesn't feel as strongly as he did when we first started talking because he can't feel strongly about anything right now. he says he depressed and that he's numb. I feel like i'm mourning the loss of what we were because I know our relationship is never going to be the same. i've spoken to him about this and he keeps trying to reassure me that things will get better, that he won't always be like this. but I know he can't promise me that.
I'm joining a family support program with the treatment facility he's at now. hopefully that will help us as a couple. but i'm starting to feel hopeless and afraid that we'll never be madly in love again. what can I do to make this better? what should I do? if anyone has any other words they'd like to share, advice or encouragement, I would greatly appreciate it. thanks for reading x
i'm new here. i'm what is considered to be a "loved one" of a recovering addict. my boyfriend and I are very serious about each other. i'm very in love with him, and even more so now that he is out of detox. he abused xanax and fentanyl, and other drugs too when he couldn't find what he was looking for. he didn't stop until he went to treatment, so he basically quit cold turkey. today marks his 25th day sober, so he's still fairly new to this. he's in a lot of pain and he's growing impatient because he is experiencing prolonged withdrawal symptoms.
I knew this was going to be hard. but I truly underestimated how negatively it would impact out relationship. the person I fell in love with was head over heels in love with me, and showered me with love an affection. but now he's cold, distant, and we barely talk. I can tell he's forcing himself to talk to me. it's really painful because all I want to do is talk to him. he says he still loves me and knows that he wants to marry me. but I deep down, I know he doesn't feel as strongly as he did when we first started talking because he can't feel strongly about anything right now. he says he depressed and that he's numb. I feel like i'm mourning the loss of what we were because I know our relationship is never going to be the same. i've spoken to him about this and he keeps trying to reassure me that things will get better, that he won't always be like this. but I know he can't promise me that.
I'm joining a family support program with the treatment facility he's at now. hopefully that will help us as a couple. but i'm starting to feel hopeless and afraid that we'll never be madly in love again. what can I do to make this better? what should I do? if anyone has any other words they'd like to share, advice or encouragement, I would greatly appreciate it. thanks for reading x
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
how long have you been together? was the person you fell in love with actively taking drugs and now sober? if so, he wasn't real. there is nothing you can do to change this or make him like he used to be or be madly in love with you.you can't change him or cure him. all you can do is look after yourself, maybe go to support groups for yourself and decide if you want to be in a relationship where you may always play second place to drugs, and that any children you have, will take second place too. All you can do is take care of yourself and let him find his own path
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 94
Hey, so I’m a recovered alcoholic my self as opposed to a love one but all I can say is during my first few weeks I was all over the place emotionally. Alcohol and drugs change how you feel and affect your emotions dramatically. It does take time but mine came back and stabilised and a lucky guess without meeting your partner would be that his would as well.
a lot of people abuse substances of any kind as there is an underlying issue and use them as a crutch, get wobbly once the crunch is taken away and have a new load of feelings to learn to manage, high and low and it is overwhelming. It’s harder than it sounds. The smallest things can push you over.
Most recovery programs tell you not to make any big changes in the first year of sobriety as like you said he seems distant and cold but it could just be his own emotions settling and once that passes you will hopefully get your lives back and if not you can both move on and know that you are doing it because it’s what you want and not because of the addiction.
im not making excuses, just sharing how I felt as it was very overwhelming and even though I may not have shown it I did still love those around me and appreciated that they stuck by me when I was a handful. If you are still doing therapy together you could maybe ask if this is a normal side effect if they haven’t already discussed it with you and how long they expect it to last. Also, a lot of people once they recover can see the damage and pain they have caused and feel guilty and ashamed and it can be hard to work on that when you aren’t even fully aware of everything that happened.
I hope it all works out.
a lot of people abuse substances of any kind as there is an underlying issue and use them as a crutch, get wobbly once the crunch is taken away and have a new load of feelings to learn to manage, high and low and it is overwhelming. It’s harder than it sounds. The smallest things can push you over.
Most recovery programs tell you not to make any big changes in the first year of sobriety as like you said he seems distant and cold but it could just be his own emotions settling and once that passes you will hopefully get your lives back and if not you can both move on and know that you are doing it because it’s what you want and not because of the addiction.
im not making excuses, just sharing how I felt as it was very overwhelming and even though I may not have shown it I did still love those around me and appreciated that they stuck by me when I was a handful. If you are still doing therapy together you could maybe ask if this is a normal side effect if they haven’t already discussed it with you and how long they expect it to last. Also, a lot of people once they recover can see the damage and pain they have caused and feel guilty and ashamed and it can be hard to work on that when you aren’t even fully aware of everything that happened.
I hope it all works out.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.
If your boyfriend was using drugs when you met and fell in love, he wasn't living his life with clarity. Now he has 25 days of sobriety and he seems quite different to you because he is living with more clarity than he had previously. I think there is little you can do to make things better, other than taking care of yourself as you plan to do.
If your boyfriend was using drugs when you met and fell in love, he wasn't living his life with clarity. Now he has 25 days of sobriety and he seems quite different to you because he is living with more clarity than he had previously. I think there is little you can do to make things better, other than taking care of yourself as you plan to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 7
@Buttery I don't see it as you making excuses at all! Your perspective is more enlightening than you know and helps me a lot. I have a few people in my life that struggle with different forms of addiction but have never experienced it myself, which is why I'm taking the steps to understand it better. He already does feel an extreme amount of guilt and shame. It breaks my heart but I know I can't be his crutch or the one to fix him. I know early sobriety is rough, so I am working on my patience as well. Thank you for sharing. <3
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 7
@stickyone Wow! Thank you for sharing. You have no idea how much peace that brings me to hear how far you've come. It gives me great hope for him. If you don't mind me asking, what was your favorite way that your partner supported you during that time? I want to be as supportive as possible. Also, do you have any advice on how we can keep our relationship strong while he goes through this?
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Hi, kdperry - I'm glad you posted.
Speaking for myself - I drank for decades. I had relied on it to see me through difficult times, to be my entertainment, to 'enhance' social situations, holidays, vacations - it was a huge part of my life. Those first few months without it were rough. I was so glad to be free of my addiction, very grateful. Yet at the same time I felt anxious, restless, & disoriented. I was emotional, too - tearful & a bit sorry for myself. It all got better as I got some sober time behind me. I no longer felt like I was missing out, & began to trust myself to not fall back on drinking. In the beginning, there was that uneasy feeling - could I really stay clean & sober? He is trying to figure out his life without drugs. He knows he can't keep using - but he's understandably shaky & unsure - getting used to his new normal. Try not to take his behavior personally. You're doing all you can for now. Let us know how it goes. We care.
Speaking for myself - I drank for decades. I had relied on it to see me through difficult times, to be my entertainment, to 'enhance' social situations, holidays, vacations - it was a huge part of my life. Those first few months without it were rough. I was so glad to be free of my addiction, very grateful. Yet at the same time I felt anxious, restless, & disoriented. I was emotional, too - tearful & a bit sorry for myself. It all got better as I got some sober time behind me. I no longer felt like I was missing out, & began to trust myself to not fall back on drinking. In the beginning, there was that uneasy feeling - could I really stay clean & sober? He is trying to figure out his life without drugs. He knows he can't keep using - but he's understandably shaky & unsure - getting used to his new normal. Try not to take his behavior personally. You're doing all you can for now. Let us know how it goes. We care.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Try not having expectations of anything other than knowing your boyfriend is healing. Now it's your turn. Maybe go to Al Anon, find a sponsor and work the steps for your own personal growth?
Take care of you.
Ask your boyfriend how he wants to be supported now.
Breathe and relax!
I wish you both well on your sober journeys!
Take care of you.
Ask your boyfriend how he wants to be supported now.
Breathe and relax!
I wish you both well on your sober journeys!
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