My Cheating Heart
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Cleveland
Posts: 320
My Cheating Heart
I have to come clean that in my five years of "sobriety" I have maintained one night a year where, when I was back home with friends in Cleveland over the holidays, I would let myself drink. I plan to never do this again, back in Cleveland, or anywhere else. I guess I was afraid to completely let go.
I guess I finally see it is time to let go. I wanted to not be an alcoholic, I wanted to show I could control it but chose not to drink. But the last five years of trying to deal with myself sober have shown me that I am an alcoholic. That mentally the struggle makes it better if I do AA meetings. I also realize I need a higher power in order to have faith in my decision. Textbook recovery in other words, I am not a special snowflake.
I also believe getting rid of this day will give me a better recovery. I have already gotten so much I guess it's time to finally to let go.
I guess I finally see it is time to let go. I wanted to not be an alcoholic, I wanted to show I could control it but chose not to drink. But the last five years of trying to deal with myself sober have shown me that I am an alcoholic. That mentally the struggle makes it better if I do AA meetings. I also realize I need a higher power in order to have faith in my decision. Textbook recovery in other words, I am not a special snowflake.
I also believe getting rid of this day will give me a better recovery. I have already gotten so much I guess it's time to finally to let go.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Not wanting to be an alcoholic is the dream of every alcoholic. That's why we work so hard to control our drinking. If we could control or drinking, we wouldn't be alcoholics. It would be the desired although impossible outcome. I heard a clever ditty one time, "If you have to work to control your drinking, you're not in control of your drinking." The corollary to that is that is, "Therefore you are an alcoholic." Normies stop when they've had enough. To the alcoholic, it looks like some sort of control, or maybe will power, and we want to mimic that. But we aren't built like normies and that will never be our destiny.
We convince ourselves that all we have to do is change, and that's almost reasonable, because there is no blood test to actually prove we aren't alcoholics. Maybe there's this chance that we are normal, and all we have to do is learn to behave normally. It's the alcoholics dream. Without a reliable blood test, you have to figure this out on your own, and that's not so easy if you're deep in denial.
The elusive easier softer way, is to quit. We fight it, but it makes sense to take the easier softer way and just quit. There's no sense beating yourself up for 30 years trying to create a non existent reality.
We convince ourselves that all we have to do is change, and that's almost reasonable, because there is no blood test to actually prove we aren't alcoholics. Maybe there's this chance that we are normal, and all we have to do is learn to behave normally. It's the alcoholics dream. Without a reliable blood test, you have to figure this out on your own, and that's not so easy if you're deep in denial.
The elusive easier softer way, is to quit. We fight it, but it makes sense to take the easier softer way and just quit. There's no sense beating yourself up for 30 years trying to create a non existent reality.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,199
Even though I want to congratulate you on 5 years and for just keeping it to the one day a year, you're doing the right thing SoberinCLE. Although it is only one day I expect it occupies headspace for a lot longer than that.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,938
Good for you 
You know the path you need to take in order to finally put the drink down. You have the plan, now do the action.
Perhaps keep us SR members updated on your progress? keep on trucking down the road to full recovery
You know the path you need to take in order to finally put the drink down. You have the plan, now do the action
.Perhaps keep us SR members updated on your progress? keep on trucking down the road to full recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Cleveland
Posts: 320
Hey so good news, 1 year! Some time between Xmas and NYE, but I'll just call my sober birthday NYE. Felt ****** about not being 100% sober and still giving advice on here. I guess my argument was, well I am 99.9% sober. And.. that didn't really work out for me. I mean it did and it didn't.
It did because: 1) Got a new job 2) Saved a bunch of cash 3) Moved 4) Got Married.
It didn't because: 1) I guess I had a "bargain" with my alcoholic voice. And as long as I was in our bargain, I guess we could have negotiated something new, another night I could drink, or whatever. 2) My past damage wasn't really going away. Some of the things I had done to hurt people, I still couldn't get over. Could I really say I had changed? Factually, yeah a lot, but still lying. I don't know why exactly it wouldn't work but I feel better about this last one year then the four before it.
So there you go.. in case you ever thought about it.
It did because: 1) Got a new job 2) Saved a bunch of cash 3) Moved 4) Got Married.
It didn't because: 1) I guess I had a "bargain" with my alcoholic voice. And as long as I was in our bargain, I guess we could have negotiated something new, another night I could drink, or whatever. 2) My past damage wasn't really going away. Some of the things I had done to hurt people, I still couldn't get over. Could I really say I had changed? Factually, yeah a lot, but still lying. I don't know why exactly it wouldn't work but I feel better about this last one year then the four before it.
So there you go.. in case you ever thought about it.
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