When people tell me that they don't think I'm an alcoholic....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 201
When people tell me that they don't think I'm an alcoholic....
I tell them "Thanks, that's because I was good at it." When hiding your drinking problem is your full time job, you build a strange set of skills. Yes, I still took care of my child, went to the gym, kept my house clean and had dinner on the table at 6 every night, but the stress, panic and anxiety I had to go through to get it all done was terrible and made me miserable. I often would wake up at 3 am so I could have all my chores done for the day by 11 am when the bars opened up. No one else is out at 11 am, so they don't see what I've really had. All they see is the one drink I had after they came in after work because by 4pm, I was already drunk and heading home. To them, I was that unicorn who seemed to have one drink, but really they were seeing me at my third stop of the day. I would just smile if someone said "I wish I could get buzzed off one martini" knowing full well that I was sipping on my 5th martini of the day.
My point is that you should not compare yourself to the so-called "social" drinkers you think you see at the bar. Yes, some of them really might be normal drinkers who can enjoy one or two, but chances are, they are secret drinkers like me who know how to move around enough that no one person sees all the drinking we do. What looks like control to others is really me pretending to have control while I was actually spiraling down further and further. Try not to compare your drinking to other people. If it's a problem for you then it's a real problem. Those friends meant well, but they didn't have to wake up with the hangovers and awful anxiety. I could fool myself and fool others, but unfortunately my body still kept the score.
My point is that you should not compare yourself to the so-called "social" drinkers you think you see at the bar. Yes, some of them really might be normal drinkers who can enjoy one or two, but chances are, they are secret drinkers like me who know how to move around enough that no one person sees all the drinking we do. What looks like control to others is really me pretending to have control while I was actually spiraling down further and further. Try not to compare your drinking to other people. If it's a problem for you then it's a real problem. Those friends meant well, but they didn't have to wake up with the hangovers and awful anxiety. I could fool myself and fool others, but unfortunately my body still kept the score.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 149
Great post. The point about not comparing to others because you don't know what they are really doing should apply for everything, not just alcohol. Almost everyone I know that had a nice car and nice home in their 20s were loaded with debt and were stressed out of their minds all the time for example.
You generally only see other people's highlight reals.
You generally only see other people's highlight reals.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 94
I agree.
I always did it at home and some people knew. When others found out they were shocked. I would be clever about it and fake sick work if hungover, put off social gatherings to drink at home, stockpile so people didn’t see me as much. It’s amazing how much effort we put in to get away with it! Although does catch up with you and people do start to notice. They just don’t think it is that bad as you don’t fit the “description”
the disease doesn’t discriminate and people usually picture middle aged men, homeless, scruffy, often drug users as well.
I was in my early 20s, female, never tried drugs, steady job, nicely dressed, polite and nice friends when I started treatment. None of that has change other than I am now in my early 30s but the illness caught up with me and was tearing my life apart before I made the change and got sober.
I always did it at home and some people knew. When others found out they were shocked. I would be clever about it and fake sick work if hungover, put off social gatherings to drink at home, stockpile so people didn’t see me as much. It’s amazing how much effort we put in to get away with it! Although does catch up with you and people do start to notice. They just don’t think it is that bad as you don’t fit the “description”
the disease doesn’t discriminate and people usually picture middle aged men, homeless, scruffy, often drug users as well.
I was in my early 20s, female, never tried drugs, steady job, nicely dressed, polite and nice friends when I started treatment. None of that has change other than I am now in my early 30s but the illness caught up with me and was tearing my life apart before I made the change and got sober.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by Buttery 
I agree.
I always did it at home and some people knew. When others found out they were shocked. I would be clever about it and fake sick work if hungover, put off social gatherings to drink at home, stockpile so people didn’t see me as much. It’s amazing how much effort we put in to get away with it! Although does catch up with you and people do start to notice. They just don’t think it is that bad as you don’t fit the “description”
the disease doesn’t discriminate and people usually picture middle aged men, homeless, scruffy, often drug users as well.
I was in my early 20s, female, never tried drugs, steady job, nicely dressed, polite and nice friends when I started treatment. None of that has change other than I am now in my early 30s but the illness caught up with me and was tearing my life apart before I made the change and got sober.
I always did it at home and some people knew. When others found out they were shocked. I would be clever about it and fake sick work if hungover, put off social gatherings to drink at home, stockpile so people didn’t see me as much. It’s amazing how much effort we put in to get away with it! Although does catch up with you and people do start to notice. They just don’t think it is that bad as you don’t fit the “description”
the disease doesn’t discriminate and people usually picture middle aged men, homeless, scruffy, often drug users as well.
I was in my early 20s, female, never tried drugs, steady job, nicely dressed, polite and nice friends when I started treatment. None of that has change other than I am now in my early 30s but the illness caught up with me and was tearing my life apart before I made the change and got sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by silentrun
I was a 30 something married, working mom who used alcohol as a reward for a busy life. Then I broke my off switch after a couple of years and entered the spectrum of alcoholism. The only people I would drink heavily around were other alcoholics. Mostly I just wasted away every night on the couch between 7 and 10 pm.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
I often left to go home while sharing a six pack with a friend. It looked like I was a two beer guy, but what I was doing was getting home to the hard stuff so I could drink with impunity. That friend was the first guy I talked to when I realized my problem was too serious to ignore anymore. His words were, "I don't think you are an alcoholic." The night of my confession, I did not drink. I went to bed sober and woke up the next morning rejoicing over the fact that I had gone 24 hours without a drink, proving I wasn't an alcoholic. My drinking got much worse over the next several months. I started seeing counselors, reading, and drinking, and finally a counselor told me she wouldn't talk to me any more unless I went to AA.
In AA, I realized that the key to sobriety was abstinence, something I didn't consider before, and seeing how happy people were about sobriety, I latched onto that concept right away. After 10 days, I knew I had turned the corner and would never drink again. A month later, I looked up that same friend I had talked to that one night. I hadn't seen him in months, and I told him I had joined AA and hadn't had a drink in 30 days. Instead of reassuring me that I was not an alcoholic, he let out a deep breath like he was relieved to hear it. I assumed he had second thoughts about my drinking after he had told me I was OK that one night.
Many people don't know how bad your drinking really was, and fewer still can really understand how much you suffered. We hang out with a lot of heavy drinkers trying to connect with others, but alcoholism has a very lonely side to it. The suffering, which is the worst part, is a very lonely experience, and you do that on your own.
In AA, I realized that the key to sobriety was abstinence, something I didn't consider before, and seeing how happy people were about sobriety, I latched onto that concept right away. After 10 days, I knew I had turned the corner and would never drink again. A month later, I looked up that same friend I had talked to that one night. I hadn't seen him in months, and I told him I had joined AA and hadn't had a drink in 30 days. Instead of reassuring me that I was not an alcoholic, he let out a deep breath like he was relieved to hear it. I assumed he had second thoughts about my drinking after he had told me I was OK that one night.
Many people don't know how bad your drinking really was, and fewer still can really understand how much you suffered. We hang out with a lot of heavy drinkers trying to connect with others, but alcoholism has a very lonely side to it. The suffering, which is the worst part, is a very lonely experience, and you do that on your own.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Similar here too with your story.
A mom, wife and hid my drinking well where no
one ever suspected I had a problem. In denial
I really thought I was exempt as a problem drinker,
alcoholic.
Then consequences followed. Major ones at the
end of my drinking career that landed me in hospital,
a court case and finally intervention by family.
Boy, I thought i was unique back then. Eventually with
education on addiction and recovery I know without a
doubt I am an alcoholic living a healthy, happy, honest
way of life for some 30 yrs now.
No regrets or ashamed of who I am because I am
responsible for all my actions today. Helping the next
person struggling with addiction by sharing my own
experiences, strengths and hopes with them gives
me a purpose in life that is rewarding.
I am alive today because of who I have become. Sober.
A mom, wife and hid my drinking well where no
one ever suspected I had a problem. In denial
I really thought I was exempt as a problem drinker,
alcoholic.
Then consequences followed. Major ones at the
end of my drinking career that landed me in hospital,
a court case and finally intervention by family.
Boy, I thought i was unique back then. Eventually with
education on addiction and recovery I know without a
doubt I am an alcoholic living a healthy, happy, honest
way of life for some 30 yrs now.
No regrets or ashamed of who I am because I am
responsible for all my actions today. Helping the next
person struggling with addiction by sharing my own
experiences, strengths and hopes with them gives
me a purpose in life that is rewarding.
I am alive today because of who I have become. Sober.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
Oh, man, I used to LOVE it when people told me they didn't think my drinking was "that bad." Every once in a while, before I quit, I'd try to confess to someone that I thought maybe my drinking was a problem. Of course I was usually telling that to someone I was sitting in a bar drinking with. They were just reassuring BOTH of us that drinking the way we did was OK. Admitting that my drinking was an issue would be admitting their own drinking was an issue. I drank mostly out at bars - not that much at home, really. To me, drinking alone at home was the REAL sign of an alcoholic. If you were out at a bar, that was SOCIAL drinking, right?
And I managed to hold things together pretty well, too (or so I thought) until I didn't. By outward appearances things were not that bad. Things really began to unravel about 3 years before I quit. I knew I had a serious problem but I really didn't think I was actually an alcoholic. I was in such denial. I kept all he balls in the air somehow, but inside I was a complete wreck. When I got the second DUI in two years and 4 months, that was the end of any sort of denial. I vowed that night, while sitting in the back of a squad in handcuffs that I would never drink again. Of course I had vowed that many times before, when enduring a particularly bad hangover or when I was calling in sick to work or when I was bowing out of some commitment I had made in order to drink instead. That night felt different, though, and it was. The difference was that I was more scared to keep drinking than I was to stop. And believe me, I was afraid to stop. Terrified. So I reached out for help that night after I was released from booking (I did not go to jail for it until months later, after my court date). I called someone I knew and had dated at one point when we were both drinking. He was sober by then, and I hoped he'd help me. He did. He listened to me cry and he told me he'd take me to an AA meeting, and that I should think about treatment. He was ONE person who knew how bad the drinking was, because he had seen it. I did what he said. Every word. I did what they told me to do in outpatient treatment. I did what the Big Book said. I've been sober for almost 6 years now (December 4).
Just goes to show - anyone can be an alcoholic, even a nerdy little mom of two with a nice job and home. No one is immune, and none of us are beyond help.
And I managed to hold things together pretty well, too (or so I thought) until I didn't. By outward appearances things were not that bad. Things really began to unravel about 3 years before I quit. I knew I had a serious problem but I really didn't think I was actually an alcoholic. I was in such denial. I kept all he balls in the air somehow, but inside I was a complete wreck. When I got the second DUI in two years and 4 months, that was the end of any sort of denial. I vowed that night, while sitting in the back of a squad in handcuffs that I would never drink again. Of course I had vowed that many times before, when enduring a particularly bad hangover or when I was calling in sick to work or when I was bowing out of some commitment I had made in order to drink instead. That night felt different, though, and it was. The difference was that I was more scared to keep drinking than I was to stop. And believe me, I was afraid to stop. Terrified. So I reached out for help that night after I was released from booking (I did not go to jail for it until months later, after my court date). I called someone I knew and had dated at one point when we were both drinking. He was sober by then, and I hoped he'd help me. He did. He listened to me cry and he told me he'd take me to an AA meeting, and that I should think about treatment. He was ONE person who knew how bad the drinking was, because he had seen it. I did what he said. Every word. I did what they told me to do in outpatient treatment. I did what the Big Book said. I've been sober for almost 6 years now (December 4).
Just goes to show - anyone can be an alcoholic, even a nerdy little mom of two with a nice job and home. No one is immune, and none of us are beyond help.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
LBC - Thanks for a very helpful thread! Some great posts here.
I drank 30 yrs. In the end, I was a pre-gamer. Drank at home before going out - appearing to be a moderate drinker. I was able to keep that up for quite a few years. In the end, I gave myself away when my personality changed drastically. Or, I stopped showing up at all, & isolated. Like MLD I also had DUI's. Absolutely terrifying. It's so good to be free.
I drank 30 yrs. In the end, I was a pre-gamer. Drank at home before going out - appearing to be a moderate drinker. I was able to keep that up for quite a few years. In the end, I gave myself away when my personality changed drastically. Or, I stopped showing up at all, & isolated. Like MLD I also had DUI's. Absolutely terrifying. It's so good to be free.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 1,704
This is totally me. I drank for 20 plus years. No one ever knew or suspected that I am an alcoholic. They still don’t know but they know I stopped drinking. I too would have a few before going out so when I drank in front of others I only had one or two and would stop and drink water. I really never appeared drunk since I had such a high tolerance. We were out with relatives after my mother-in-laws funeral and one of my nephews was boasting about how much he could drink and how he could drink me under the table. I just shook my head and said “I don’t think so, I’m a professional”. No one caught on. I’ve got hundreds of stories.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
Originally Posted by LateBloominCait
I tell them "Thanks, that's because I was good at it." When hiding your drinking problem is your full time job, you build a strange set of skills. Yes, I still took care of my child, went to the gym, kept my house clean and had dinner on the table at 6 every night, but the stress, panic and anxiety I had to go through to get it all done was terrible and made me miserable. I often would wake up at 3 am so I could have all my chores done for the day by 11 am when the bars opened up. No one else is out at 11 am, so they don't see what I've really had. All they see is the one drink I had after they came in after work because by 4pm, I was already drunk and heading home. To them, I was that unicorn who seemed to have one drink, but really they were seeing me at my third stop of the day. I would just smile if someone said "I wish I could get buzzed off one martini" knowing full well that I was sipping on my 5th martini of the day.
My point is that you should not compare yourself to the so-called "social" drinkers you think you see at the bar. Yes, some of them really might be normal drinkers who can enjoy one or two, but chances are, they are secret drinkers like me who know how to move around enough that no one person sees all the drinking we do. What looks like control to others is really me pretending to have control while I was actually spiraling down further and further. Try not to compare your drinking to other people. If it's a problem for you then it's a real problem. Those friends meant well, but they didn't have to wake up with the hangovers and awful anxiety. I could fool myself and fool others, but unfortunately my body still kept the score.
My point is that you should not compare yourself to the so-called "social" drinkers you think you see at the bar. Yes, some of them really might be normal drinkers who can enjoy one or two, but chances are, they are secret drinkers like me who know how to move around enough that no one person sees all the drinking we do. What looks like control to others is really me pretending to have control while I was actually spiraling down further and further. Try not to compare your drinking to other people. If it's a problem for you then it's a real problem. Those friends meant well, but they didn't have to wake up with the hangovers and awful anxiety. I could fool myself and fool others, but unfortunately my body still kept the score.
You live, you learn 💙
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Cleveland
Posts: 320
I couldn't believe people didn't know how drunk I was sitting on the bar stool at the end of the night. I basically sat there and kept conversation to a minimum. A lot of mornings I didn't remember the entire drive home. When I asked how I seemed, people didn't think there was anything unusual about my behavior so I just kept going. It was like living in a bubble.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
The comparison game was a real trap for me.....
Thing about the comparison game - we can almost ALWAYS find someone "worse" than ourselves.
For me, in hindsight, I surrounded myself with a variety of those who were "worse". Probably at a subconscious level I did it on purpose. The AV loves to have options in the Comparison Game.
We need to look at comparing ourselves to OURSELVES.... not others. What examples do we have of ourselves at our best? When were we capable of being our Best Selves? What stands in the way of being our Best Selves?
When we turn the comparison game inward, then we can progress.
Thing about the comparison game - we can almost ALWAYS find someone "worse" than ourselves.
For me, in hindsight, I surrounded myself with a variety of those who were "worse". Probably at a subconscious level I did it on purpose. The AV loves to have options in the Comparison Game.
We need to look at comparing ourselves to OURSELVES.... not others. What examples do we have of ourselves at our best? When were we capable of being our Best Selves? What stands in the way of being our Best Selves?
When we turn the comparison game inward, then we can progress.
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