Pureself

I'll try to explain....

I've been drinking problemstically for around 10 years, throughout them years I have been through the relapse, recovery cycle many many times. I have had a week here a month there, the longest stretch of sobriety being 5 months. I always return to drinking, and I believe this is for the following reason...

I never let things get too bad, I have certainly not hit "rock bottom". My health is decent, I am relatively wealthy and successful, I lead a pretty boring, organised life. To the outside world I'm admirable.

This isn't me justifying my drinking. I absolutely know i am addicted to alcohol but I do think it is an internal condition of addiction that in order to convince our inner addict to withdraw there needs to be sufficient evidence as to why imbibing is forbidden. I certainly think I have enough evidence to convince my rational brain but not my addict brain and thats the brain that needs convincing to maintain continuous sobriety.

I could easily dance around banging on about how committed to staying sober I am and how toxic drinking is but it just isn't true. I know it should be but it isn't.

Anyway. Day 18. Not sure where I'm headed.

biminiblue

Keep drinking and you'll find a very low bottom. We'll leave a light on.

I don't think it's necessary to have dramatic losses in order to quit. That's a rationalization. I didn't have severe external consequences piling up around me when I quit, but I'm still very glad I stopped before they happened. The only "evidence" I needed was that I was tired of the whole thing and I could tell by my increasingly higher intakes and my increased anxiety and inner confusion/depression that it was time.

C0ntr0ls

Just wait, it will.

FreeOwl

In my own experience, we get to choose our rock bottom. Also, our inner addict never, never, EVER decides to "withdraw". I don't think any amount of 'evidence' will ever convince our addicted brain to stop ravenously driving us to drink and substance. Rather, I think it's our inner SPIRIT and our alignment between Spirit and the brain that guides our conscious self through the journey of who we want to be that ultimately leads us to sobriety.

You can certainly wait until circumstances worsen (and they will) and you're no longer able to say some or all of these things "My health is decent, I am relatively wealthy and successful, I lead a pretty boring, organised life. To the outside world I'm admirable." (because that WILL happen).

OR.... you can choose to give yourself some new evidence... the evidence of what it feels like to 1) Not drink. 2) Become present. 3) embrace sobriety 4) Build a life that you are actually, truly, fully rewarded with, 5) begin to create a YOU that isn't focused on making a thousand excuses for why you're ruining your life with alcohol.

Day 18 is awesome!!! Sounds to me like you're headed in the right direction.... but in my experience using words like "I don't know where I'm headed" is a great way to leave the door open for jumping right back into the cycle. Statements like "Day, 18 and I am headed toward a deeper, richer, more present and spiritual experience of life" were a lot more useful for me.

Mizz

Would you like to experience something drastic in order for you to stay sober?
I too have not experienced what others have but I was able to recognize that I was heading for destruction had I not throw in the towel and walked away. Some of us get real tired of being on the hamster wheel of despair. Its dark in there.

Alcohol will give me everything I never wanted. Eventual job loss. Emotional upheaval. Depression. An inability to control myself. Anxiety. Loss of self esteem. Loss of respect. Loss of my home. Loss of Marriage. Loss of friendships. DUI. Loss of health. Loss of who I want to be in this world.

I did acquire some of the above and I am now working towards healthier approaches towards anxiety, depression and self respect.

"To the outside world I am admirable"
Okay. What do you think of you?

Are you attending any recovery meetings?

PuckLuck

I held it together for 10 years until it all fell apart. Fast forward 5 years later and I have nothing.

This is what happened to me, I can't speak for anyone else... So who knows? The only thing you can really know for sure is that you are playing with fire.

sortofhomecomin

You don't have to take your drinking 'career' to the depths some of us, including me, have. You're better off without it.

Aellyce

I could describe myself in that way as well and, in fact, did to myself... to justify ~10 more years of drinking and lies after becoming certain I had a serious alcohol problem. It didn't bring me any good to exist in that state of ambivalence, only more lost opportunities that my drinking prevented me from grabbing, even though I didn't experience any serious loss per se.

I'm glad I saw this post because it's something I am trying to hammer into my mind, to be part of my recovery program, when I have cravings for alcohol and play that tape. To think about not only my memories, all the disturbing, frustrating, destructive things associated with my past drinking, but also foresee my future if I continued that lifestyle. I completely agree with others that the bad (worse) things would happen, it's just the question of time. I think it's comforting to give up that illusion that we are somehow exempt because we can still manage our lives relatively okay. It makes things and options simpler. Addiction and its consequences do not discriminate, there are millions of examples for this out there - do you want to become one of the worst stories? What I am trying to teach myself now (that I finally really want to stay sober) is to always remember that the ambivalence and cravings are still relatively "lucky" symptoms, and it's a great place to make a change. I would likely give everything in a potential future where everything I cared about would be in ruins, to only deal with some uncomfortable thoughts and feelings in a still relatively intact and safe condition that I have now. We don't necessarily need to descend to the bottom of hell, but I think it's inevitable if nothing changes.

Also, I am freshly sober but it's already much easier to work on real sobriety on a daily basis vs. maintaining that active addiction, all the secrets and lies every *** day. If for nothing else, because I don't feel physically sick all the time don't need to spend a great deal of time constructing and executing all of my lies to cover up my ambivalence and destructive behaviors.

DriGuy

This is so much like me. I'm successful, have friends, and I'm a good person. I just drank too much. Nothing wrong with that when you don't look too closely. So what if I drink too much, but still have the rest of my life in order. It's not like drinking is forbidden. It's just a stupid harmless thing, right?

The problem is that it will get worse. It may take 30 years, or maybe just one year to hit rock bottom. "Rock bottom" is a relative term. No matter how bad it gets, there's always another rock bottom below. Rock bottom is just the point where we stop and begin a new life.

Also, as well organized as my life was, in retrospect, it wasn't as well organized or as good as I thought it was, especially toward the end when It was clearly a nightmare. Somehow I knew I had to make a change, and I was well aware at how much life sucked, but I just kept telling myself I had everything else under control when the truth was that I did not. I had to change a few things to get better, not everything. Even the worst of us alcoholics do bring some skills to the table. But one thing was and still is clear to me today. My drinking had to stop. I wish I would have seen it sooner, but I remember being right where you are now. I hope you can quit now. You won't be sorry. My rock bottom was the worst place my life had ever been. It's not something you need to go looking for.

Zebra1275

I have certainly not hit "rock bottom". My health is decent, I am relatively wealthy and successful, I lead a pretty boring, organised life. To the outside world I'm admirable.

That sounds like me at about the age of 46. Then "boom," my body said that it couldn't take it any longer. Physically, I no longer had a say in the matter. Hangover and withdrawal effects increased exponentially and I couldn't hide my drinking anymore. Fortunately, this happened just before I started losing stuff. You know, like my wife, my family, my job, my long term health, etc.

I managed to get sober for over 5 years and then I thought I was cured. I drank a beer and 'boom," it was off to the races. It took me a very difficult year to find sobriety again. I will be coming up on 11 years sober next year, but I don't plan on letting my guard down ever again.

My mother lives in a retirement facility that kind of reminds me of living in a dorm back in college. However, unlike dorm life, I've never have heard of them having a kegger, or seen any drunk people roaming the halls at night. The people who engaged in those behaviors don't seem to last that long.

GerandTwine

I understand, Pureself. For even better understanding would you be willing to give us a paragraph or two on what thoughts and feelings about drinking were going on in the last week of your five month dry spell? And then zero in on the last day, last hour, and last few minutes just up to the very moment you swallowed the first gulp of alcohol.

Thanks,
GT

Velvetee

I like that people say that you don't have to hit the very bottom to already be there without realising. I'm just like you, day 21. I haven't lost anything when I stopped this time, I have a good situation and my health is OK, I am still in shape. I could stop at one bottle of wine without being totally ********* or overly sick afterward, I have never texted or called anyone while drunk and I could go through the working week without drinking at all. But then I'd spend my Friday-Saturday intoxicated and it would aggravate my depression and make me feel miserable. Stop harming yourself before the addiction harms you...

nez

I could have written those words. That was me.

To the outside world I was admirable. I was a successful business owner. I owned a house. I paid my bills on time. I was happily married. I had no jail time. No DUIs. Inside I was miserable and did not admire that I had become a problematic drinker. What more did I need to know?

Denial was a strong force, I just needed to be stronger than my strongest excuse. I needed to give to myself, what I wished the world would give me.

Recovery is work for me, but it is a labor of love. A love of myself. Today I treat myself in a loving manner. Alcohol has no place in that.

Anna

I so wish that I had stopped before things got bad, but like you, I thought I could hold it together. Of course, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will always get worse unless we stop drinking. I do hope that you find the motivation to stop drinking before things get bad for you.

KeepingUp

It’s funny, I used to think this, but eventually just got tired of feeling bad about myself. There were way worse events related to my drinking than the day I actually quit. It was just another hangover after a party where I drank more than I said I would. And maybe I was a bit sloppy, but nothing like other times. Now I’ll be coming up on two years sober and am happy with where I am. I know I could have let things go on, could have let my “bottom” go lower and lower, but why push? Rock bottom is relative and I’m glad I stopped before I found out how much lower I really would have gone. Life is hopefully not limbo after all

Helianthus

Hi there

I have been sober for over 2.5 years, my sober life is 1000000% better than the drunk one l had. I had not reached "rock bottom" but l was heading there. The biggest regret l have is not quitting sooner, all those wasted years spent wasted. My life could have been so much more.

Quit now before things get worse...because they will.

All the best x.

FiveTries

Definitely understand man.
I can relate to 100% of what you said. I have felt like that so many times.

My problem is once I take that 1st drink into my system I am a different person. A person that is not going to quit drinking anytime soon.

I liked to think that I could control consequences but I now believe that that is an illusion..

tursiops999

I agree with FreeOwl. The inner addict will never, ever give up, but would take me right up to death's door if I let it. The inner addict has a sort of "crossed wiring" and believes alcohol is essential to life, so it fights for alcohol. I chose to override that using my higher self and spirit.

I had no serious outward consequences when I quit -- good job, financial security, travel, family. But I can say in hindsight, I only wish I'd quit sooner.

Hodd

An alcoholic is like a person with depression. They think their life is supposed to be like that, and whilst that continues, they’re missing out. Like Helianthus, my life has spiralled into an impossible world I never knew existed when I stopped drinking. What a loser I was as a drinker!

As for not being bad enough yet, a friend of my wife’s liked a drink and was forever in the pub. He’s developed cirrhosis in his 50s, and his only option is a liver transplant. I really believe it would send me insane to know I had someone else’s liver inside me, someone who died fairly young (as liver donors tend to be) so I could live after drinking myself into such poor health and possibly even take the place of a genuine liver patient who developed their illness through no fault of their own. That’s probably as extreme as it gets, and I’m very pleased I’ve avoided having to deal with that. I think I was literally three years or so from being at that point.

Cityboy

Sounds like you're trying to rationalize your current cycle of drink/quit/remission.