Obladi

I think a lot of people think that you need to come to this understanding or be presented with bad enough consequences (evidenced by hitting 'bottom enough') to quit successfully I get what you're saying and I remember well those days of ambivalence. I knew I was addicted. I knew that was a bad thing. I knew I should be motivated to stay sober, but I wasn't. Not even during my brief-but-long-for-me stretches of not drinking. That's not quite right: I wanted to stay sober but I did not have the whatever-it-was that was needed to Not Drink when the overwhelming Need To Drink (and eventually there was no choice in the matter) came over me. I knew I could always find a new bottom, because I kept finding them. I realized that the only true "rock bottom" would be six feet under. Even that didn't do the trick for me.

It was only when I took drink drinking off the table completely that I was forced to learn that I could live through that Need to Drink without actually consuming alcohol. GerandTwine suggests that you think back to what was happening before you started drinking again. If you can figure that out, I commend you because I couldn't. I simply could not look back in time to tell you what led me to make the brilliant decision to drink again. First off, I knew it was the furthest thing from brilliant even at the time, but I Did Not Care. I could give you any number of plausible reasons or "triggers," but I knew even at the time I was giving them and we were mulling them over that wasn't It.

It wasn't until I deliberately and repeatedly and doggedly lived through that Need to Drink without drinking and had the guts to really delve into what was happening within myself that I was able to make a clean break. I realized that I was pretty much "toughing it out" through life. Getting extremely irritated with things, blowing up, then forgetting about it. Being very hurt or embarrassed by other things, wallowing in it, then moving along. I was enduring, just as I'd been taught. I had to find the stamina and willingness to look at every single upsetting thing as it came along and figure out what was really bothering me. Like, what was at the very bottom base of this upset? Knowing that this sort of thing had always bothered me or that other person was just a ridiculous buffoon that got under my skin was not sufficient. Why? What was under all of that?

You will never convince your addict brain of a single thing - It already knows that the only thing it needs is for you to drink. It will never learn otherwise.

But your rational brain? Your authentic self? The one who showed up to post about your truth and fear? That's the one who needs to step up to the plate. You can continue to wait for consequences and you can count on those happening. Or not. Don't believe those 'you have to hit bottom' rumors. That's just your addiction talking. Because that thought allows you to keep drinking. Indefinitely. Until you're dead. Showing up here means you want more than that. Get to Day 19, then Day 20, and each Day after the last and Just Don't Drink. It gets better, I promise.

O

Dee74

I wish it had not taken me 20 years to stop. I wish I had not had to inflict pain on those who loved me, and on myself.

I know now that ‘bottom’ is simply the moment you decide you cannot live this way one more second.

Razing your life to the ground is optional, not essential - you can get off the down elevator at any floor you like.

I gave my addiction way too much power - I thought I had to negotiate with it...it would win, then I would win...and so relapse stop relapse stop became my life.

I didn’t realise til later all I needed to do was accept...accept my alcoholism, accept I was a horrible drinker and that my life could be immeasurably better without drink and drugs in it, and accept that getting sober and staying that way meant wholesale change.

It is change for the better tho. None of us would be here if it was change for the worse.

D

GerandTwine

Hi Pureself,
Here’s how I read the first part of your post:

You’ve been chemically dependent on alcohol for 10 years, throughout you’ve stopped many times, then started drinking some more with the longest stopping stretch being 5 months. You always return to stopping for the following reasons...

You don’t want things to get too bad, you don’t want to hit “rock bottom”. You want to keep your health decent, keep your money and remain successful as you lead a boring, organized life. My repeatedly stopping drinking for a while keeps me admirable to the outside world.

In your version of the first two paragraphs of your post your emphasis is trying to embellish the success of your repeatedly getting drunk.
I read those same paragraphs as the success that your multiple stoppings has had on keeping your life from going down the tubes had you just kept on drinking as you wish you really could have done.
So, there’s that.
Here again you are ignoring your own better judgement that has led you to decide to not drink repeatedly in the past and you are placing the desire to keep getting drunk (with its unpredictable outcomes) upon a throne of ultimate control over your voluntary muscles. Our human organism, subject to the control of our profound capacity to inhibit our behaviors, does not work that way. The HUNGER APPEARS within us without any particular soliciting outside influence and THEN our moral, evaluating human minds DECIDE what to do with that hunger, and then we choose how to use our voluntary muscles.
So far, nothing has changed for you regarding your addiction, except you are here on SR.
You know you should be doing more than “dancing around” and “banging on” “but it just isn’t true”. You are NOT committed to NEVER drinking again. That is what many people here, in so many words, have been trying to get you to do. I will only tell you to think about the pledge “I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind.” and point out that is the immediate shortcut to change (and an actual recovery) that I think you came here to find.

So, you are obviously committed to stopping long enough to make getting drunk an acceptable alternative for the future because you’ve been repeatedly stopping for the last ten years, and you can still rationalize that is working for you.
But in your post here, you have summarily minimized and rejected what it REALLY IS that has kept your life from taking a nose dive into failure - your human capacity to stop drinking; exactly what it is you are now imagining you cannot stop from happening: getting drunk again.

The reason I wanted to hear from you about the end of your five month period of abstinence had nothing to do with your decision to drink again. I already know ALL about that singular desire for regaining that deeply pleasurable assault of chemically enhanced stupidity.
Much to the contrary, it was to see what it was that had convinced you to go five months without getting drunk. What five month long reasoning was it in your mind that had finally degraded and caved in to your Addictive Voice.

GT

nez

Rock bottom ain't a competition and even if it was, who would want to win it?

The longer I drank, the lower I moved my idea of rock bottom and every single time I was up to the challenge and sunk to that new lower level.

I well imagine that by the time anyone contemplates and/or attempts to quit and/or moderate, it is because the negatives of drinking are outweighing the positives (which is an oxymoron if I ever heard one). To me, that would seem to indicate the bottom has been reached. Any lower is just another sub-floor.

fini

okay, well, since you don’t think things have gotten bad enough, you can easily make sure they get worse.
why would you? what do you think you will gain from that?
”if it were really really bad, i’d commit to quitting and staying that way!” is that it?
how bad would it need to get?

Aellyce

I just did something at my SMART meeting tonight that relates to this thread a bit, since you think there are advantages to continuing to drink and you are uncertain whether your situation is bad enough or not. It's a cost-benefit analysis tailored to assessing our substance use (or whatever addictive behavior) - if you google "CBA worksheet SMART", you will find it. We completed one real-time as a group in the meeting. It has four categories that are pretty easy to fill up with your subjective evaluation, then added in each category whether the advantages/disadvantages are short- or long-term, and this is what made it very vivid and useful for me - seeing the stark contrasts, and how any perceived benefit of drinking/using is a self-delusion (even though we can think of many in the moment). Of course most of us who has questioned our behavior have done versions of this in mind at least, but I found it especially alive and penetrating to actually write down these things and then look at it as a whole. It also brings it home very well for me why it's such a good idea to stop earlier rather than later.

Delilah1

I’m glad you found SR. I am about one month away from five years sober, and can tell you I wouldn’t trade anything for my sobriety.

I had shorter periods of sobriety in the past, as well as many failed attempts at moderation, but January 1, 2016 was when I was finally done. I didn’t hit a rock bottom, I just was done with feeling like I wasn’t my best self for me, my kids, at work or anywhere.

I hope you decide to stick around and stay sober!

least

Things were not yet 'rock bottom' for me when I quit. But I stopped drinking because I didn't want things getting any worse, they were already bad enough. I hope for your sake you don't continue this potentially dangerous experiment to see 'how bad things can get'.

BornSurvivor

Your bottom is whenever you choose to stop digging. In other words the sooner you decide to quit drinking the better.

There's no need to let something horrific happen in order to stop. You can tell what's coming I can see it by the way you post. Stop now before the consequences get severe.

EndGameNYC

It all happens very quickly.

silentrun

Look up Diane Schuler if you think people with dangerous addictions lose their jobs or get DUIs or divorces or alert family to the problem. I was drunk one night and felt the darkness come over me and suck the life right out of me. I was close to suicide and no one would have known why.

Pureself

I was away with my girlfriend in a very secluded little holiday cottage at the beginning of lockdown. Time felt like it was endless, the frustration, boredom, restlessness were relentless. I searched the place for alcohol in the vague hope there might be some stashed somewhere. There wasn't so I drove a mile to the nearest shop and bought a bottle of whisky. And drank it.

Pureself

Thanks Aellyce. This sounds like it could be very effective. I will give it a go and see!

Pureself

This is an incredibly helpful reply and one I can relate to so much.

Finding the strength and stamina to examin why certain situations and events have such dramatic effects on my could well be a huge help. It is in these situations where alcohol comes along and saves me, removes me from the feelings and emotions. It basically enables me to hide, to avoid confrontation. To be utterly ignorant.

AAPJ

Great thread. To me alcohol problems are variable to each person. Sort of like obesity. Some people are able to maintain a healthy weight. The equivalent of folks who do not have a problem with alcohol. Some folks get morbidly obese - say 300+ pounds. This is like the classic alcoholic. Then there are the folks in between. A bit overweight and gaining some weight each year as time passes. It's a slippery slope that just gradually gets worse over time.