freedomfries

Sometimes I pour water into my pepsi max and pretend it's vodka. I imagine the vodka washing over me and making me feel good.

I'm not seriously thinking about drinking but it's just comforting pretending to do it. Not very healthy.

I'm looking forward to everyone being home for Christmas and me being 99 days sober on Christmas Day. I'm not at any risk for relapse.

But still, I enjoy pretending I'm drinking vodka. I ought not to

Buttery

whatever works for you. No different than some drinking juice from a wine glass.
there is no perfect way to this. Main thing is you are doing it

PuckLuck

I am worried about how much soda you drink, but at least it isn't vodka!!!

aasharon90

As time went on day by day learning what I needed
to learn about addiction and the affects of what alcohol
was doing to my mind and body, my drug of choice,
alcohol, became poison to me in my heart, mind and
soul.

Looking at alcohol, any kind of it, wine, vodka, bourbon,
tequila, whatever it is, it all is poison, a toxic chemical
destroying and affecting all my organs inside me.

I no longer fantasize or dream about poison because
it nearly destroyed me. Killed me. Robbed me of the
kind of life i live today.

Alcohol was poisoning my thinking, my mind so everything
was distorted or how i actually saw things as. Like looking
in one of those crazy mirrors in a maze. It isnt exactly
what you see. It give us the wrong message. If that makes
sense.

Come up with a healthier drink combination that wont make
you think of putting poison in your body or poisoning your
thinking.

Obladi

You're not at any risk for relapse?? False.*
Is this sarcasm or do you really believe it?

*I feel like I ought to soften this with "in my opinion," just to be polite, but addiction is nothing to be toyed with.

freedomfries

I think I had a seizure an hour ago. I blacked out. Fortunately I was in bed so my parents don't know. I still went to the store and bought four more cans and drank them
im quitting now. No more diet soda.

​​​​​

freedomfries

I don't want to drink. It's just comforting thinking about it.

DriGuy

For me, recovery was more about noticing the increasingly longer periods of time I would go without thinking about alcohol. That's what recovering alcoholics include in the concept of "freedom" from alcohol. Like Obladi I did not use pretend substitutes. My goal was to put drinking and the whole drinking scene behind me. "Pretend drinking" seems high risk and much closer to the edge than I wanted to be.

It may not be the same for everyone, but recovery for me included more of a change in attitude about drinking as a whole and learning to live free. Emphasize "free". Pretend drinking sounds like taunting some imgagined Devil. My britches weren't big enough to do that. The freedom in recovery comes from forgetting about alcohol, not in mocking it.

PuckLuck

Are you sure it's the soda (or water) that is causing seizures? Obviously this is not normal. If you had a seizure you need to get checked out again!

GerandTwine

Hundreds of years ago before sterilization and refrigeration people used to add spirits (alcohol) to water and other fluids to make it safer to drink. They weren’t sure why that worked. Alcohol spirits had even been called “the good creature of God” back then. People were comforted when they tasted that alcohol in their beverages.

In your case it sounds like it might be part of why you drink so much fluid to begin with. It can’t be that you are actually thirsty that much. I would definitely make it a prime topic to talk with your counselor about. Why do you feel you have to go to such extremes to flush out your body to maybe symbolically dilute or rid yourself of something you don’t like in you?

Hodd

As time goes by, hopefully you’ll lose this mindset too. I’ll get told off for this, but I used alcohol free beer at first as a substitute. It was a means to an end, and I see nothing wrong with such products. Even now I might have a can of alcohol free beer with a meal. It’s not for everyone, and If anyone’s worried about it being a trigger, best to avoid. However, now I can take it or leave it. Some bars or restaurants don’t have any alcohol free stuff - which is a shame as young people are starting to choose alcohol free drinks and that can only be a good thing - I’ll have a coffee.

It’s not good to be thinking too long about imagining vodka in your drink. Why not think about the positives that are coming your way due to your great efforts in not drinking?

Erica375

Just a thought, FF. I know you're trying to lose weight but would you consider drinking unsweetened fruit juices, even watered down, instead of the diet sodas and plain water? At least that way you'd be getting some electrolytes and not be ingesting artificial sweeteners.

Nathan57

FF - If you are prone to seizures, all that caffeine you are drinking with the Pepsi Max isn't helping you. I had to quit diet Pepsi when i stopped drinking because it made me hyper. Now I drink a few caffeine-free diet drinks a day and leave it at that.

Velvetee

Hah, hundreds of years ago, water was considered as dangerous not only to drink but also in personal hygiene The link between handwashing and the spread of disease was established only two centuries ago or so... However, from what I see, many people still don't know how to wash their hands properly (or how to wash their hands at all) even in 2020... At least something positive about COVID

Velvetee

FF, I noticed a pattern, a lot of alcoholics drink tons of diet soda "to substitute" their drinks of choice. Some switch to juices (especially tomato or a veggie mix). Try to find something less "active" (sweeteners and caffeine are not the best), if you can't drink water (my case), you can try green or herbal (caffeine free) tea?
Red wine (or champagne but it's more expensive so...) was my drink of choice and at this point, I don't fantasise about the wine itself... I just want to feel serene in my head and I can't see how pretending my Sencha is a glass of Bordeaux can help. Maybe try to talk about this with your therapist or sponsor?

biminiblue

ff, are you still taking your meds as prescribed?

If so, I think you need to talk to your prescribing doctor and tell them what's going on. It's possible you need a change to your drug regimen. It often takes several adjustments and trials with different drugs to alleviate the thoughts or conditions that are causing these types of behaviors.

After many weeks you're still suffering. Give them a call, don't hide it! This could kill you.

tornrealization

Hi FreedomFries

It's really hard to suggest alternative healthy drinks after reading your threads that you are drinking too much of any liquid - including water that is causing you physical seizures. Is there any alternative action you can take to help curb down the amount of liquids you are drinking? When I find myself binging on sweets or soda I pop in piece of gum to "slow my roll". I don't know if anything like that would work for you but after a few minutes and letting my brain catch up with "you're full" or "you're no longer really this thirsty" messages, I just spit out the gum.

Maybe there's some other self soothing thing you could do when the mood strikes?

Steely

I don't think switching to other types of fluids is going to help, it's the AMOUNT of fluids FF is drinking causing the problem.

I hope you stick with your resolve that these were the last 4 cans FF, but still think you need to speak with your doctor and counsellor.

Rather than seeing the water, or Pepsimax as "pretend" vodka, maybe see it as just as damaging as vodka and approach the problem in exactly the same way you have with alcohol. Congratulations on your 60 days plus.

I can remember when I used to go to AA other members trying to quit other addictions (smoking, ie) would say, "I've put it on the programme", meaning they followed the same 12 Step "rules" they applied to alcohol.

My best to you FF.