Jewel72

Here we go. Going to try this for extra help. If I don’t post this now, my AV will convince me to drink one more day. I can’t afford to drink one more drink. Addiction has put its fierce claws into me and has had a solid grip for months now. I’ve been here so many times, but I’m truly at an all time low.

My insides are really hurting and I’m worried I might have caused irreversible damage to organs. I hope not. I have gained 20 pounds, stopped running, and the focus of my days have been how to acquire enough wine for the day. I’ve begun sipping before 12:00 PM and have to keep up the hiding game with way too much thought and energy. I’ve become quite good at spacing out the drinks so I never get drunk, so my kids don’t really know. I’m honest with my husband and I’ve had him take cash/ debit cards. I’m allowed to use the credit card and I’m supposed to have him check receipts. I still seem to find a way to get cash or sneak a purchase in her or there.

This is my sad story. This is addiction. I want my life back and I’m going to fight for it today no matter how uncomfortable it might feel. I am seeing a counselor and will use this site with more dedication than I have in the past, meaning; actually post for help when the urge comes.

Day one, here I come...again Thanks for being there SR

doggonecarl

I think there is a correlation between posting here and success. But it's not always enough. Is the counselor you're seeing an addiction specialist?

Dee74

Welcome back Jewel

My advice is to make a plan - Think about what happens when you want to drink and what you can do to stop it.

Do you need to make more changes in your life or find more support or use the support that you have more effectively.

What action do you need to take?

counselling is good and things like handing your cards over to your husband can help but neither is really a recovery plan by themselves.

If you haven’t thought beyond that yet now would be a great time to start I think

Jewel72

Thank you Carl and Dee. I appreciate your responses and admire your sober time.
Carl, No, the counselor I’m seeing does not specialize in addiction and she reminds me of that. But, we connect on a same faith type of level so I really appreciate her. Did you use an addiction counselor way back when? It seems so stinking hard right now to connect with counselors because of COVID. My current lady is moving to on line again. On line stinks.

I wish I could report success today but I succumbed to the voice. Thankfully, I only drank half the amount I had been drinking and hated most of it. If I don’t make it tomorrow (which I am planning on succeeding) I don’t think I’ll ever post here again. I’ve overstayed my welcome and this is just way too repetitive!

PS It seems like there are so few logging in these days. Anyone have any insight as to why this is the case? It’s kind of discouraging.

Bodhi02

Hi Jewel, glad to see you here. Don’t worry about thinking you’re outstaying your welcome. I’ve had so many times where I’ve vowed to stop drinking and then found myself shamefully buying more wine and hoping the cashier didn’t recognize me. Those first few days are really hard because of the alcohol trap.

We don’t have to be trapped anymore by the lies alcohol tells us.

Why not join the class of November thread? I’m newer to the community, but I’ve seen daily messages on there. I try to post daily to keep me in check.

Dee74

Hi Jewel

You'll always find support here, so keep posting.
Have you considered online meetings at all? AA or SMART or something else maybe?

There's always an alternative to drinking - sometimes we have to cast our net a little wider and be prepared to try supports and things we would prefer not to do - but there is always a better idea than drinking again today.

D

Hawkeye13

Many of us take multiple attempts before succeeding-I am one.
You are being repetitive, you aren’t quitting quitting.

Be proud of that Jewel and keep posting!

Awake61

Keep posting!!! Don't know how many times I relapsed. SR has been my savior. No judgment here.

PuckLuck

Welcome back Jewel! I think you were in the July class with me. I have struggled too and today is Day 2. Lets do this

Mizz

I sure hope you continue to post and let SR be a support system for you. I have had many attempts over the years of quitting and starting again. Posting here and leaving. Posting and leaving. Just keep trying. For most people sobriety is not a linear approach. You can do this!

Jewel72

Hi Puck! Yes we were in class together. I’m glad you’ve made your way back.

Thank you all. Today will be day one. My plan is to attend church in the morning, have lunch with the family, nap, and enjoy an evening at home getting the house ready for thanksgiving/Christmas. I will not leave by myself today and there is no alcohol in the house.

Jewel72

Finally made it back to day one again. Sunday’s are usually easy since it’s a family day. Monday’s have been the most challenging since kids do on line classes and I find myself with some me time. That has always meant drinking. Tomorrow the plan is to go for a really long walk and add a little bit of jogging.

Mizz

Yes, get in that walk/ jog. Fill up those hours with self care and structure (this seems to be the theme I am posting about tonight, structure

This walk/ jog is a part of the plan that you create for yourself. After the jog, there is something else to do that is wholesome and nurturing. Keep going in that direction. One step at a time. You can do this, Jewel!

snitch

Hi Jewel. How are you doing today?

I get alot of identification with what you are going through. The bottom line was I couldnt stop drinking even though I really really wanted to. The last drunk I had was so awful because, as you know, this thing is progressive and I knew I could just not go on that way any longer.

I had to really throw the towel in and go to any lengths to stay sober and trust me there were many many many days I wanted to drink so bad that I just wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

I learnt in AA that alcoholism is a 2 fold illness. I have a body that basically has an allergy to alcohol. That when I put alcohol into my body I set off a phenomenan of craving so strong that I just want more and more and more. I have a mind that obsesses about drinking and tells me to drink even though I know what the consequences. That obsession is so powerful and lead me to picking up a drink against my own will many many many times.

I had to find a defence against that first drink. I had to put everyrhing and anything in between me and picking up that first drink. What you choose is down to you. For me it was prayer, going to an AA meeting, posting here, calling up another alcoholic, screaming and shouting, going for a power walk, absolutely anything!! My only goal each day was to get my head on my pillow sober.

After a couple of months I was able to start on my recovery plan which for me is the 12 steps of AA with some SMART CBT behavioural techniques and of course a whole lot of SR. Because my alcoholism centres in my mind and I have to treat my mind daily.

i used to say the Serenity Prayer like a mantra . I can't change the fact that I am alcoholic. I can NEVER, EVER drink safely or moderately. But I can change the way I view life, I can change my behaviours thoughts and actions so that I keep my mind from obsessing over that 1st drink.

Even though today I have fleeting moments that a glass of wine would be nice, I can quickly dismiss them because I know for me there was absolutely nothing nice about my drinking!

If I can do this you can to but you have to be willing to do whatever it takes.

🙏♥️🙏♥️

2much2luv

How is your Monday going? I feel you on how hard it is to break the routine. I believe in you and I hope things are going well!

Dee74

How’s it going Jewel?

D

Jewel72

I hate to post, but I failed again. I went shopping for the last food items I need for thanksgiving and I bought wine (which is not on the menu.) I’m not sure I’ll ever get this, but I will never stop
trying. Sorry to start this thread and fail.

Snitch, I admire you and your sober time. I know how hard you’ve worked for it. I can only hope I get the strength to fight this.

Dee74

fall down seven times get up eight Jewel.
There must be a way around shopping and not buying wine. You'll find it ]

D

PuckLuck

Nah! I wrote the book on relapsing. Keep posting!! I know I have to myself or I'll be at one of my old haunts buying a bottle of vodka before it even processes in my head.

I know you can do this.

snitch

I remember going food shopping on a sunday to get a roast chicken and I was trying not to drink but my head was going crazy. I wanted wine. I didn't want wine. The battle in my head was going on and on and without any defence I picked up the wine. That obsession is lethal. It is vital it is stopped in it's tracks the minute the thought comes it is shut down before it starts becoming an obsession. You said your husband knows now? Can he go and get the shopping for the time being? It's that imperative I do nit drink that today if I was in a store and I felt the obsession coming on and I knew i was in the danger zone I would have to leave my shopping and get the hell out of the store. Thankfully I have enough tools and that obsession has left me (just for today).

It really is hard work in the beginning hon. There is no way around it. It is gonna take everyyhing you have to fight but it does get easier. A lot easier. I don't even think of a drink with a roast chicken now which is a fricking miracle!

In my experience you have to find a defence against that first drink. Link in your mind that that one little drink is the singlecause of all your misery, guilt, shame, despair and unhappiness. It is only the first drink that we need to stay away from. If we don't have that first drink we cannot get drunk. It's the first drink that does the damage and the only one we need to stay away from.

Sending you prayers of strength and courage

♥️🙏♥️🙏