BeABetterMan

Today has been a bad day. Some of you are aware I've been working with my doctor to understand why I'm always feeling fatigued and bloated with an almost constant headache and pain in my abdomen. Well, we ran another round of blood tests and did an abdomen ultrasound and the worst news has come true. The ultrasound showed a coarse and heterogenous liver (likely cirrhosis). Some of my blood came back good, others were known indicators of cirrhosis (high NLR and WBC). I feel like I earned this with my decades of drinking. I won't know the severity until I speak with my doc (hopefully soon), so I'll try to stay off of Google (too late), but it's a tough pill to swallow. Truth is, if it is bad, then that's just how it is. But it's not fair for my kids to have to lose their father at such a young age.

As far as my sobriety is concerned, this will not affect it. I am completely committed to sobriety. I will not waver. I spoke to my previous and current AA sponsors and they were exactly how I'd expect them to be, great sources of strength and perspective.

My son keeps calling and Facetiming me. We talk several times a day and more on weekends when the kids aren't here. I couldn't answer the first couple times because I would have not been able to hide the disappointment I'm feeling. I never don't answer that kid's call. I finally answered and did my best to be myself. Was not easy.

All of this the day after I decided to move from my current city back to the city where my children live and work remotely at risk of maybe losing my job if life ever returns back to completely normal. This was an informed decision based on indicators from management and a conversation with my supervisor, but still a risk. I was riding very high yesterday, now this. Even more proof that drunk or sober, life still happens. But there is NOTHING in life that will make me pick up a drink. If I get good news, I will be grateful. If I get bad news, I will do my best to deal with it with grace, doing the things I think will have the best impact on my children possible. Thanks for listening.

least

(((BABM))) I hope it turns out to be better than you hope. Really glad your sobriety is strong.

Dee74

Hey BABM
I'm really sorry for the bad news.

Now, I'm not a doctor and have no personal experience to share but I do know several of my friends who've been diagnosed with various stages of cirrhosis.... and who are still alive and healthy.

I hope (and trust) I'll be adding you to that list man

D

Libby06

Hi BABM,
I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but I'm glad you are sober and are being proactive with your health. I hope they caught it early and you can turn it around.

My daughter's grandfather was diagnosed with cirrhosis 15 years ago, but cut out booze, changed his diet and followed doctors orders and is now 78 years old. He still has health issues (but he's old now lol) but he's still living life, and a much better one than had he had he not stopped drinking.

Maybe there is a gem in here that you stopped drinking and followed through with seeing the dr. I never went in my active alcoholism. Some people get so sick and wait to go until its too late. You have much to be grateful for, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

fini

hi BABM,
i’m sorry to hear of this concerning news. and certainly hope the ongoing medical tests and such will lead to a good treatment plan.
love your attitude expressed in your post...but just a heads up that if that wavers, this is a good place to be. as you already know.

TiredCarpenter

I can’t say it any better than Libby did BABM.

From your words, I think we can all trust that you’ll continue to take the next, best, steps.

God bless.

Take good care.

Sammy1980

Hi BABM,
There is hope with cirrhosis. Look into the website INSPIRE.
https://www.inspire.com/groups/ameri...er-foundation/
It is a forum website like this run by the American Liver Foundation. There are people on it that share there experience. Lots of people that have had it for years and new patients as well. It may help you to relax your mind a little.

travelbug

There are many people out here going thru the same thing that you are going through. Start reading books on how to improve your diet and how to detox the liver. Low fat, high fiber, fruits and veggies low sodium. Look at the DASH Diet. The body can heal itself. Stay strong stay sober.

BeABetterMan

I’ve spent like 3 hours on there today. It is a great site with people like the people here at SR sharing their real stories not all the worst-case stuff on the medical sites. Thanks everyone. I will say, my anxiety is through the roof. It is a perfect storm because I always struggle mentally this time of year, I’m planning a big move and now medical issues. But again, drinking is literally the farthest thing from my mind.

I realize by me coming here to post this info, that I get such support here. My post isn’t really addiction related other than the fact that my hover damage is from drinking and I still feel most comfortable coming here and sharing with all you whackos. I’m very grateful to have you all.

Dropsie

BABM,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but your strength shines through.

I have also had some fatty liver issues, as many here have. I know its hard, but if you can give it time to wait for all the results, things may look different. I hope you will be able to get to the bottom of this with your current doctor before the move.

It sounds like you have found a wonderful resource on the inspire site, and you know how much we all care about you.

I have been thinking about your post about the space launch -- know that was cool. My nephew is a space freak and I told him about it.

One front in front of the other, together we go.

All the best.

BeABetterMan

❤️❤️ Indeed we do❤️❤️.

That Mars Rover is STILL on its way there. It will land in late Feb 2021. Isn’t that incredible?

Be123

Im sorry to read this BABM. I follow your posts closely and remember clearly you initial struggles to get sober.

First up, great plan to live closer to your kids. Now you are sober it's a wonderful gift to you and your children.

Cirrhosis - like 'cancer' the word itself is scary, especially to us drinkers. But like cancer it isn't the sentence some of us imagine, and certainly not a death sentence. Without knowing the extent of any damage you just don't know what the prognosis will be. I really hope that when the full picture becomes clear that the outlook for you is much more positive than I am sure you feel at the minute.

First thing to do with cirrhosis? Give up drinking. You've done that - stick to it, I don't need to tell you that the importance of that has just ratcheted up a few levels.

Hang in there BABM, its a tough time.

MythOfSisyphus

Not great news, granted, but hang in there. Don't assume the worst til you confirm the worst! As DEE points out, some pretty bad damage can be reversed in time, and there's other options if it is too bad (transplant, etc). As you say, avoid Dr. Google! The truth is that none of us know the day nor the hour so all we can do is the best with the time we have. Hopefully you will have a lot more time! Just keep a good thought until you know.

Obviously I have not been in the same situation but when I quit back in 2012 I was experiencing symptoms that were definitely bad. Like, afraid to go to the doctor for what I might learn. And I have posted recently about my facial paralysis; went to the ER thinking I'd had a stroke or a tumor only to find it was Bell's Palsy. It was a long day and the time spent laying in the MRI machine seemed like an eternity. I'm just trying to find grace, to learn radical acceptance of life on life's terms. I will work hard to control the things I can but just as hard to accept the things I can't.

Smoke sent for you, BeABetterMan! I hope it's not as bad as you fear. In any event I'm glad you're still committed to living sober! It should go without saying that we're here for you.

Mizz

I am sorry for this news, BABM!
Until you know more I hope you are able to remain centered. You are doing amazing work by remaining sober! I know you haven't been feeling all that great mentally or physically. It is really good to see that you are using tools (SR) that are healthy to cope with all that life is handing you right now. Sending healing light your way!

Zebra1275

I'm sorry about your health update. Wait to hear what your Dr. has to say, and resist the urge to use Dr. google for information.

Now, more than ever, it's best to "live one day at a time." Don't go into the past and beat yourself up, you know that won't change anything and just make you feel worse. And don't try to guess what the future holds, nobody can do that, and thoughts about FEAR (Future Events Appear Real) can ruin your "today."

Anna

BABM, I'm sorry about your diagnosis. I really hope that the liver damage is minimal and that there is some treatment that will help with your symptoms. You are an inspiration in your determination to stay sober through this.

BeABetterMan

I had a rough night. But made it through. Today has been a good one. I was asked to be a speaker at a meeting at a Boys Ranch for wayward youth. There were about 20 kids there, aged 15-18. They do equine therapy where each kid takes a horse from being completely wild to completely tame in 9 months. I was asked yesterday while I was panicking over my liver so I didn’t do much to prepare. I was excited to do it though because I love kids. I spoke for about 45 minutes about my childhood, my missteps and my recovery. I was very frank like I always am. Many of the kids there are not there willingly so I wasn’t sure what to expect. All of the kids shared a little after and many thanked me for my share. Once all the kids left to go back to their daily activities, one boy named Dean came back in. He had tears in his eyes and was struggling to speak. He told me that he’s18 and that he’s had countless lectures from parents, counselors, judges, and other speakers but nothing made him wanted to get sober before and now he wants to stay sober. Him being emotional made me start to tear up. I have low self esteem and I thought maybe my story wouldn’t do much. So it made me feel very grateful that someone had been touched. I also am just going through a lot right now so to know I can still be of service and get outside of myself made me feel very hopeful. I won’t bore you with the things I shared but I did speak at their level and not from a place of authority but a place of experience and a place of love and care for these kids. The person that asked me to speak said that there is usually a lot of cross-talk while the speaker is sharing and there wasn’t any today. I feel very proud, and grateful and humble by my experience today. I asked if I could come back next week (not as the speaker) and they said yes.

dpac414

I'm really sorry for your news, BABM....like others have said don't assume the worst until it's confirmed. There's lots to be done still.

Your story about speaking at the boy's club was really wonderful and made me tear up a little too. It's amazing you were able to share your story and also get through to that boy. That's part of the beauty of sobriety, honestly. We look to others for hope and then are able to pass it on ourselves. Regardless of what happens, I think you can feel happy knowing you've made a difference.

Let us know how you get on. I'll try to send some good energy your way.

Dee74

You’re a good man BABM

D

fini

what a wonderful gift you gave them, BABM!