Backtogood

I made it 24 days only to be at day 1 again. I feel miserable. I drank the last 2 days. I blacked out yesterday. I have been on the verge of a panic attack all morning. I was happy, proud not drinking. But it was lonely. I don't want to feel this way. I am not this person. I've been crying all morning. I'm not happy with myself. So here i go again. Day 1. At least i know i can do it, i know what to expect this time. I am grateful for SR and the amazing people here. I don't feel as alone knowing i can come here and share. However, i do feel so much guilt and shame this morning and i want to hide away from everyone and i can't, cause life moves on. I just don't have time for the mental breakdown i need.

GerandTwine

It sounds like nothing bad happened except to your body and possibly your son’s trust in you, so, you lucked out.

I think the only kind of “mental ‘breakdown’ “ you could use is one that “breaks down” your thoughts about future drinking into two categories, 1 - never again, and 2 - go ahead and do it, but just be careful.
Then it will be easy to identify that appetite for the buzz that won’t go away but can always be detached from ever taking any action upon it.

Anna

The guilt and shame can bring you back to drinking, so take a step back and focus on your success of 24 days of sobriety. Focus on the fact you returned to SR and intend to do this again and beyond. You need your energy to move forward now. Take action and figure out why you decided to drink, and then add something to your recovery plan to prevent it from happening again. You can do this.

BeABetterMan

Hey BTG, first of all congrats on 24 days. I used to do that all the time, relapse after a month or so. It sucks because we never know if we would have made it 25 days or 38 days or whatever, if things would have gotten easier. We have to hang in there to find out. Your experience is SO familiar to me. Early sobriety is hard and it is LONELY. That loneliness used to drive me back to drinking (well that and the fact I am an alcoholic and all that goes with it). I've been getting some flack around here lately because I'm not soft enough around the edges, but I'm going to say this anyway. While you are sitting there, anxious, sad and scared. Many people will rush to you to hug you and tell you how bad they feel for you. (and hugs are awesome and I think there should be more hugging in this world.) But I'm a little different. I hear the pain in your post. I know how hard it is and there's a little part of me that says, "good". Because if you were able to drink for two days and black out and the next morning was ok, no big deal, that would be a major problem. The same way that when someone gets a DUI (yours truly) or when someone gets arrested for acting like a jacka$$ (yours truly) or loses a relationship (well, you get the picture). It is my firm belief that once we've had enough of these terrible days after we will develop the desperation need to make drastic changes to our lives. We have to be more afraid of returning to that low place than we are of making necessary changes to our lives. In AA they call it hitting bottom. Hitting bottom does not mean that the last time you drank was the worst time you drank. It means that something happened that last time you drank that was the final straw to the camel's back. There is a psychic change where we say I AM DONE. I don't want to live this way. I deserve better. I will do whatever it takes.

Now the good news. You don't ever have to feel this way again. But you have to do something different than what you've been doing. We can not put down the drink and say, "I won't drink again UNLESS I get lonely." or "UNLESS my partner is mean to me" or "UNLESS ....". Not drinking has to be job #1. I stay sober with the help of AA. And I know, when people used to say, "AA" I was like, "Oh crap". Anything but that. If I have to go to AA to get sober, I will never get sober. I carried on that way for a long time. Until the desperation became so strong, that I would have eaten ants to stay sober. I'm not saying you have to go to AA, but ask around on this board or someone in your life that got sober. Ask how they did it. Getting sober is a great time to be a follower. This is not a time to try to figure this out yourself. In fact, that constant churning in our own heads of why we are this way, what did we do wrong, what can we do different actually creates more stress and anxiety which makes us more likely to drink. Find some people that have done it, and do what they did. I've always tried to do things my way, and that always ended me up in the ditch, both proverbially and actually. Now I do what they tell me to do and it's working a heck of a lot better. Oh yeah, and hugs

tomls

Thanks for coming right back to SR! The best move you could have made!

GerandTwine

If you want to enhance closure, provide a focus for your sadness and tears, and zero in on what you are calling loneliness a little better, imagine doing this (or do it).

With an empty bottle (maybe vodka bottle from your AH), find a photo of you drunk (or draw a stick figure of you drunk), put it in the bottle and bury it in the middle of an open space in the back yard or elsewhere, so eventually you won’t know exactly where it is.

Start taking selfies of abstinent YOU (maybe with other loved ones) and do nice things with them.

SoberInCLE

Sounds like you know you have made the right decision. I highly encourage meetings to discuss your feelings with other alcoholics and not feel lonely.

Backtogood

Thx for the responses. I am just really overwhelmed this morning and my emotions are all over the place. I'm trying to keep it together. There has to be more to life than just trying to make it through the day. I do know one thing for sure, i never felt this way sober.

GerandTwine

And if you are under the influence to any degree now, you will in a few short hours have every capacity never feel this way again.

Backtogood

Staying close to SR today. I can't believe I'm here again. Negative feelings, a sense of helplessness, unmotivated, shame, guilt. Tears. Everyone in my life deserves more then this from me. I mean what is it really going to take for me to get it together? How low can i go?

BeABetterMan

In the first couple of days don't be too hard on yourself. The depression and anxiety will handle that for you. The first couple/few days are usually about getting hydrated, getting fed, getting rest. Don't make promises, or commitments. Don't look back or look ahead. Be easy on yourself today. You can't make it all right today. The time for work will come. For now, just be kind to our friend Back to Good.

2muchpain

24 days is an amazing accomplishment. You should give yourself a lot of credit for doing that. It couldn't of been easy. Anyone who has set goals knows that there will always be setbacks. Change is very hard. Both accepting that and getting back on track is the key to success IMO. Instead on feeling guilt and shame, focus on what you have achieved and give yourself a major pat on the back. Sounds like you are dealing with a lot of stress with family responsibilities. I hope you find some time to just relax and take care of yourself and focus on your needs. A setback is just a setback, nothing more. John

GerandTwine

Here, I boiled your OP down to the facts and your optimism. I left out the bad feelings even though their future avoidance is part of your motivation for the positive actions you’ve already restarted.

Coldfusion

I find the support here and in the virtual rooms of AA essential to my continued sobriety. Read around and post often--it works if you work it!

Here's some good threads to join:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7540432 (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 506)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...er-2020-a.html (Sober Weekenders - Weekenders 13-16 November 2020)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-1-a.html

I suggest you check your local AA for online meetings. This is just one group's listings out of thousands (near Seattle, GMT -8h). I particularly recommend the 5:30 "Living Sober" meeting; it usually has about 60 participants.

https://eastsideaa.org/meetings/?tsml-type=ONL

Coldfusion

Hello! Double post...

Backtogood

thx, I'll check it out

GerandTwine

It sounds like there might still be some leftover booze in the house and your Addictive Voice is trying to set you up to finish it off.

Backtogood

no booze, but the thought of hitting the store has fluttered thru my head, not going to lie. It might numb my feelings for today, but I'll be in the same place 2marrow. I'll settle for a hot bath and SR. Maybe a walk later and some netflix.

least

The last time I relapsed was after six months sober. I drank for two days. When I finally 'came to', I was devastated and demoralized and depressed. I made up my mind to get sober then and there. And now I'm nearly at 11 yrs sober.

Try again. Never give up! You can do this!

ulfr

pick yourself up and dust yourself off , try again your are stronger than you think , if you can do 24 days you can go further keep fighting