LateBloominCait

My biggest trigger for relapse has been spending time with my family. I come from a background where binge drinking is the only way any family gathering is celebrated. Even my 81 year old grandmother will have 6-10 beers while gathered around the dining room table. My mother was heavily addicted to crack in the 80's and managed to recover from that addiction, but now she drinks daily and binges frequently as well. The gatherings are generally fun and lighthearted, so it's not like everyone gets into a brawl or anything. I love my family and I don't want to cut them out of my life entirely. I know that early sobriety means I will have to limit the amount of time I spend with them and try to dip out before the heavy drinking starts, but I am not sure I am able to avoid spending time with them entirely without it causing a huge rift in the family. My grandmother is not in the greatest health and I would hate if something happened to her and I didn't spend the time I could with her. With the holidays coming, I want to start building a "toolbox" of sorts so I have a plan if I am tempted to drink. There aren't any in-person meetings going on in my area for either AA or SMART recovery due to the pandemic, so unfortunately that option is out. I know I can hop on these forums and the chat to talk to someone when I need to, but I may not always be able to pull out my phone during a holiday celebration.

What are some strategies you have come up with for when you are spending time with family who drinks? I know the advice will be that I should totally avoid it, but our family has been through a lot of loss lately and I know I will need to learn to be accountable for my own drinking, even around others who do drink. I don't even know if I should specifically tell them I am not drinking. I have mentioned my sobriety during past sober stints and they have always tried to convince me that I don't really have a problem. I am tempted to just say that I am taking medication that can't be mixed with alcohol, at least just for this holiday season to get through this initial period. I don't like to lie, but I know that my sobriety is fragile and still will be in December.

It's so strange that I come from a family where I feel like I need to hide my sobriety. How backwards is that? But they aren't bad people, just stuck in destructive old patterns. In my past sobriety attempts, I had this unspoken hope that I would inspire them to get sober too. It ended up becoming an excuse to drink again. How do you handle the drinking buddies you can't just stop seeing entirely? Maybe this topic can help other people who might have to work with old drinking buddies or live with them (in the case of a spouse or family member).

C0ntr0ls

You already knew that you would get this type of reply but in my early recovery I was and if need be, still very selfish. I wouldn't go to functions/places if that's what it took but my family doesn't have the addiction and when they eventually found out I had stopped were very pleased.



Good Luck and I hope you find a solution.

fishkiller

Similar family situation here.
Do whatever YOU need to do. I personally just don't drink. None of their business why.

Cityboy

Latebloomincait,

I have some similar events with buddies that I was very concerned about for a while. In the first few weeks, it could quite possibly have been too much. Not for being too tempted to drink, but just the stress and anxiety of being around it. Now it's no big deal. Actually I find it entertaining to be with them.

For family get togethers, the drama that is apparently necessary with these things has long been a huge trigger for me. Even that is changing. But I had long been the biggest drinker of the family.

Dee74

I did not visit my family the first Christmas...I'm not even sure I went the second Christmas, or the third....

My continued recovery was the most important thing in my life and I avoided situations that might put that in jeopardy,

It was a tough decision but I knew I wouldn't survive going back to drinking...and plonking me down in the middle of my family would have probably broken me in early recovery - I had 8 months 'up' that first year.

If there are reasons why you feel thats not an option for you, there are some good ideas here https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...val-guide.html (Social Occasion Survival Guide)

D

D122y

I didn't miss an event. My family drinks pretty hard. My Dad was pretty much a drug addict that managed to not get in too much trouble.

Growing up, I thought drinking was the only way to live. We drank for every occasion.

I visited my family 3 months after my step Mom passed from cancer. I remember my Dad saying, do a shot for Mom. Lol!

He couldn't believe I actually quit. It was hard because the booze was everywhere.

I explained to my family I was committed to not drinking, one day at a time. I remember my Dad saying, maybe tomorrow? He just couldn't believe it.

As the shine of quitting wore off, my first year, we went to an all inclusive resort in Mexico. Booze was free and it was everywhere. I was left on my own over and over. I could have snuck as much booze as I wanted, nobody cared.

My wife never really cared that I quit, she just didn't want me to drink so much and all the time. So, there really was not pressure at home to quit.

I could have drank all day, every day. But, lucky for me I had strong personal reasons I have mainly only spoke of here.

I quit because my mind and body were slipping over the edge for me. Whatever that means. I didn't realize how messed up I was until I tried to quit.

The booze medicated me so I didn't realize I was very weak physically and mentally.

So now, when I go to events where everyone is drinking or smoking pot, it is easier. I still feel a pang of cravings for sure.

I get strength from seeing folks get loaded and go into that self absorbed state. The eyes glaze over and the words slur.

Then if I see them in the morning, they are tired and craving.

That gives me strength.

So, I vote don't miss an event. Suck it up, let them try to get you to drink, but stick to your guns.

It is sooooooo worth it.

Allowing my body to begin to create its own internal happy drugs again (dopamine, endorphins, adrenalin, and melatonin) is as I was designed.

Have you ever saw a 4 year old that is happy for no reason? That is what it is like for me to be this clean.

Thanks.

biminiblue

Yeah, I agree with D122y. I just went and didn't drink.

I made the decision that my life sucked with alcohol. I was killing myself and I was miserable and my whole life was in turmoil due to alcohol.

It was a very easy decision.

I told my drinking family. I told them I was an alcoholic.

They just glossed over the whole thing. I think no one knew what to say, so they changed the subject . My grandfather mentioned that his sister was an alcoholic. My dad was too. I think my mother was teetering on the edge...a couple of the other people there were excessive drinkers.

They continued to offer me cocktails for the next 15 years every time I went over. They didn't know how bad it had gotten for me, and maybe some of them had their own inner demons. I know my mother drank and took benzos so there was something going on there...

I just continued to say, "No, thanks." In my case no one pressed me to drink. I said no every time and then that was it for that visit. They did their thing and I just observed. I would often go to bed or to my room when they got into their contentious topics discussions. There is always somewhere to go. A walk, to another room, out in the yard.

You can do it. You'll have to at some point. For me it wasn't that hard because I knew I had to do it.

SoberInCLE

If you think there is a greater than 0% chance that you will be tempted to drink, then you should not go. You will not get support for your decision to quit drinking. In fact, you will be actively encouraged to start drinking. Your guilt over quitting will provide their opening. People who at least subconsciously know they have a drinking problem will be the most demanding of you to drink since it threatens them (if you don't drink, then who will drink with me?). I know I have done that to people. Skipping this year doesn't mean forever.

GerandTwine

Assuming you know their patterns, likes, and hobbies, and that they don’t drink all the time; figure how to make contact (with one or several at a time) when they are ‘all human’ and not drinking or hungover. Wouldn’t that also be the most meaningful use of time with them, too? Drop by. Do a local trip; museum, art-type event, shopping center. Try something new. Then the big parties will become secondary and unimportant overall.
You, AND THEY, will begin to have fond memories of a much deeper relationship.

saoutchik

It is difficult that sort of thing, probably the best thing you can do is to turn up but leave as soon as you feel the urge to drink or someone pressures you into doing so.

For those in early recovery or contemplating quitting in the immediate future this rotten Covid virus does actually come with an upside as gatherings of people are either forbidden as they are forbidden in some places such as England at the moment or they are frowned on elsewhere and so there is a very useful excuse if you need it and you could go a step further and say you have a temperature or something and want to be on the safe side.

tornrealization

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing decision. I went to my family gatherings and left when things started getting sloppy.

DriGuy

Oh, I understand that perfectly well, but reactions from others cover a wide variety of responses, so the situation isn't abnormal. But just as a point of conversation, I wonder what would happen if you didn't hide your sobriety. Would they treat you like a leper? What I have found, and it was surprising to me, is more often than not, when I "came out" about my sobriety, even to some the worst drunks that I hung out with, I was often met with genuine approval. I have found that it's simply not true that all alcoholics are in denial. Many of them fully understand how destructive their path is. However, I also found that in spite of their approval we all seemed to lose contact with each other quickly.

I remember a drunken conversation at a bar one time with a friend who was twice as drunk as I. At one point, he said with genuine helpful intent, "Dave, you drink way too much." But again reactions over your drinking or sobriety vary greatly from person to person.

If you do come out, one thing that I think is critical in maintaining a relationship, don't try to convert a drunk. That will strain the relationship. If they ask for help, be helpful. If they don't, let it be.

brighterday1234

Sobriety has to come first always. If it’s at risk then don’t go anywhere that’ll do that.

aasharon90

This year has been a huge strain on a many a families
due to the virus and following the stay at home, distancing,
protecting ones self by wear mask and such.

We still read or hear in the news where folks are still getting
sick even with in family gatherings, parties or celebrations.

You'd think it wouldnt happen within family circles, but it is
sadly still happening and getting folks sick, hospitalized to
even death.

All it has to take is just one in the family circle to be carrying
this virus and affect others. Before you know folks are in the
hospital hooked up to machines to help with breathing and
whatever other complications come with this serious virus.

Until a vaccine is available to all then we have to do our part
in staying safe and continue to practice distancing. Right?

When folks are drinking and under the influence of drugs
or alcohol, they are not thinking of keeping distance or covering
up.

There's hugging, kissing, closeness, talking, eating from
the same dishes like dips and such, possibly sipping from
the same cups not realizing what they are doing.

I for myself dont want to be hooked up to machines
struggling to breath, layed up in the hospital bed in
so much pain.

Staying and remaining sober is top priority these days
with all the uncertainty happening in the world today.

Staying home, staying safe and sober, connected to
a recovery lifeline is what will help you achieve success
in your own quest for continued health and sobriety.

DriGuy

In my previous post, I spent too much time about "coming out" to relatives. But I agree with others about avoiding risk. That comes first. I told my sister and her husband not to come for Thanksgiving. In this case, they are not drinkers. It was because I actually am isolating, and they understood. I'm that serious about trying to avoid Covid-19.

Early recovery for alcoholics requires a similar seriousness about avoiding risk. Five years down the road, being around drunks won't be as risky for you. I remember clearly when I made the decision that drunken parties, or simply parties where drinking was involved were off the table. I was also aware that I'd probably see some of those situations as where my participation would be "necessary," because before I quit, that was the biggest reason I didn't commit to permanent sobriety, and by extension, probably the reason I didn't get sober. "Yeah, but it's my family," is not a good reason to put yourself at risk.

Alcoholics don't usually like those decisions. Our first choice was almost always a wish to continue our lives as if nothing was wrong. It's a fantasy.

relena

Same here. We already told family we aren't going anywhere/allowing anyone over.

LateBloominCait

Thank you so much for all the replies! It has given me a lot to think about. I have some time to make a plan of action. Avoiding it altogether is clearly the best choice, and one I am giving a lot of consideration. And perhaps the resurgence of the virus will take the choice out of my hands entirely. It would be a nice break for me if that happened!

D122y are we opposite gender twins? My life situation is so similar to yours, right down to the fact that my husband doesn't mind if I drink either, but supports me because it's healthy and I want to do it. He certainly wouldn't consider leaving me over it or anything like that. He has no problem abstaining when we are together because he is a normal drinker who can take it or leave it. Knowing he will be sober with me will make it a lot easier and more comfortable for me. My family also has acted like they simply don't understand the concept of not drinking when I have told them in the past.

I do see everyone's point that being sober has to come first. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I think it was progress for me to admit this both here and to my husband. We talked and I realized that a lot of my fear is that they will "abandon" me emotionally when they realize I'm not drinking. They are always outwardly supportive, but really they have no idea how to spend time that doesn't lead to drinking. It's just not in their wheelhouse. They love me, but they just don't understand where I'm coming from. I'm far more worried about the rejection factor than worried that I will drink.

DriGuy, I think you are right that in hoping to have things stay the same with family, I am using some magical thinking. It isn't my alcoholic voice talking though. You would have to know the whole history to understand it, but there is a lot of past trauma and abandonment issues that are tied in to the relationships. The voice in my head is my inner child who still hopes that everyone will get the happy ending they deserve while the adult in me knows that isn't how life works. I can only save myself. I need to get to a place where I can accept that before I put myself in a vulnerable place around alcohol. I have always struggled with trying to save everyone around me. My childhood was a mess and we kids were tossed around a lot. I love my family, they are good people, but they have their struggles and flaws. But you are right. Something has to give or else I am going to die from this. So I will be the one who changes by removing myself from the chaos. You are right, but it is a painful truth for me because they are all I really have left of family. We have had so much loss. My pulling away will be another enormous blow for them. They lean on me a lot, I think.

Anna

This is a time when you need to do what is in your best interest. And, it seems that you know it won't be a good idea to be around your family. When you talk about pulling away from your family, there could be other ways for you to connect with them. Can you FaceTime or Zoom with family members from time to time? Maybe you don't have to cut yourself off completely?

Dropsie

There is the short term and the long term. In my experience, in the short term, I needed to do what I needed to do, and a little white lie here and there to avoid a tricky situation was OK by me. I have pulled a sickie or two, for sure. But I found two things -- (i) my drinking friends and family don't care if I drink or not and many are in fact quite respectful that I was able to stop and (ii) as long as I stay out of their drinking, its all fine. I am careful not to be seen to preach or be critical, I just do my diet coke think and they carry on and we all get a long fine. But if I have a second of doubt, out I go. If you want to go, but don't want the drama, make up an excuse. That is what I did. Taking medicine, whatever. And after a couple of visits, it was normal.

Main point is -- sobriety is first.

LateBloominCait

Yes, we do have Zoom meetings from time to time and I will keep that up for sure. I certainly wouldn't cut myself off emotionally from them.

I was thinking about just telling them I have to take medication so we can avoid the whole conversation about whether or not I have a problem, at least for now. It will actually technically be true because I will be taking naltrexone as soon as I have my doctor's appointment. It wouldn't technically hurt me to drink on it, but there would be no point since it takes the euphoria away. I decided to add naltrexone to my sobriety toolbox as it has been helpful in the past. I worry that I may not be able to stay away all that long as my grandmother is having heart problems, so there may be a sad family occasion coming up that I would be heartbroken to miss. I am kind of the go-to person in the family to arrange things like medical or god-forbid a funeral. I am hoping her health improves though. My great-grandfather was 94, so hopefully we will have a few years down the road to celebrate together when I am more secure in my sobriety.

Again, thank you to everyone who replied. All of it is good advice and has made me really pause and evaluate. Sobriety has to come first. Potentially white-knuckling it through the holidays after this awful year sounds like a slow torture that I really don't need to put myself through. Even if I don't drink, it won't be fun. COVID may be the perfect excuse to avoid it this season. My nana is in poor health after all. I truly wouldn't want to pass COVID on to her and it is starting to spread again in our area.