NorthernLady

I sit here and think about yesterday. Yesterday, I had the worst panic attack of my life Ended up in the ER. That calmed me down some, they didn't think it was related to alcohol. I knew it was, I was trying to taper but I couldn't even finish them (beer) because my heart started racing, I got dizzy, and my panic disorder ramped up to full throttle. I had been trying to taper down for months, but something would always come up that I justified, ugh screw it, I'll get back on my taper tomorrow. It didn't, it is a cycle that I now know I can not accomplish. I don't feel bad, I am just scared. I knew that if the tapering didn't work, I would have to go cold turkey (medically supervised, went to doc today for a plan). I have been drinking daily for more than I care to admit. I am going to give you my sob story even though I know I made all my hardships into excuses to drink, and drink, and drink. Early March this year, my landlord told me that they were getting a divorce and I must move out of the house. Then COVID hit. I didn't have to move but I did out of kindness. I had to move me and my kids to my boyfriends house 30 miles from where I work and where school is. This man I had also found out in February, had been cheating on me for 3 years, so that was a huge excuse for me. Then distance learning, then kids fighting, then more COVID then the politics. It goes on and on. I did end up buying a home in the town I work. Kids started school, I got a promotion, then COVID hit my small town HARD just Monday this week and I had to shut down my work. Then, the puppy we got a week ago broke his leg yesterday. I think the culmination of all of this set my stress level and anxiety to the ultimate maximum. I went to the ER at 1 am this morning, I went home at 3 and slept for a bit. I felt ok until noon, then the heart rate went up. Thank goodness I had my virtual appt at 2pm. By 3 pm, I had my meds and monitors to help with this process. Even though I have the tools I need and the push to make this happen. I am feeling several things.
1. TERRIFIED, I worked in an ICU for years and have seen the most severe part of detox, I know it's case by case, but I don't know if I am one of those cases.
2. Cloudy head, I had a head ache, may from crying so much, maybe not. But I have to have control so not knowing why is making me anxious.
3. Relieved and hopeful, I am relieved that I get a chance to try. I can not put all this pressure on me, but to myself, I will commit to try every hour to not drink. I am hopeful for the future. Feeling better, not having to hide the evidence of my addiction from everyone, and better health and relationships.

I know that was a lot but I am determined to use this platform to keep me sane for the next week and longer. Any stories of similar history are so helpful to me because I just need to know people like me can pull through with out all of the horror stories.

Thank you for reading and THANK SR for being here!!!

Anna

Welcome, and I'm glad you found us. I have had terrifying panic attacks, too and it's very scary. I'm glad you went to the ER for help when you needed it.

I was also really afraid of stopping drinking and what the detox would be like. It was enough to keep me drinking for quite awhile. And, in the end, the detox was miserable but it was manageable. I'm glad you are being monitored through the process.

Being a control-freak was a big part of what led me to becoming an alcoholic. I kept believing that if I could just keep all the balls up in the air at once, things would be okay. But, of course, things weren't okay until I let go of everything. The only thing I can control is my reaction to what is happening to me. And, it's such a relief.

You can do this!

Obladi

Hi NorthernLady,

Congratulations on making the best decision of your life. I can't imagine anything more difficult or intimidating than starting on this journey. And I've done some intimidating and difficult things over the course of my life! I'm not gonna lie - it was Really Hard Work for me to learn to stay stopped. But it can be done for sure.

As far as medical anxiety goes, yeah I know that song too. It's so hard to manage panic on top of worry and somehow knowing that there's nothing really to panic over can make it worse. You have medical supervision. You know what to watch out for that would require another trip to the ER. I think you're gonna be ok as long as you sort of go with the flow of feeling how you feel, you know?

I'm glad you're here - it's a good crowd.

O

NorthernLady

Anna,

Thank you for the response. It is nice to know that any personality and any type of person has the potential for alcohol to grab them. Is it ok if I ask how you did your detox? I am not to proud to seek help if I need but I really want to try to do this. There's the control again!!

Thank you again

Zencat

Welcome to SR NLady

Panic/anxiety disorder I have that too. Fortunately there are tools/methods to manage my disorder in a healthy way. Perhaps put together a wellness plan here at SR and go from there. Plenty of info and resources and support here. Work on your recovery because you are worth it

NorthernLady

Obladi,

Thank you, I like that, Go with the flow of feeling how I feel. It's been A LONG time since I haven't numbed how I feel. Good motto for right now!

least

Welcome to the family, NL. Once you get safely thru the initial physical withdrawal, you'll want to make a plan for how you're going to stay sober. My plan was to see an addiction counselor once a week and come here to SR every day to read and post.

I no longer see the counselor but still come here every day, to give, and get support.

NorthernLady

I am going to do my meeting with an addiction counselor on Friday, depending on how I am feeling. I just wish I could go through this with out the CONSTANT worry about the bad. But that is my plan, and to come here as much as I can. I am in quarantine right now so I have at least 2 weeks to really make this my priority!

Zencat

Great plan. I know from experience it will be challenging. Once you follow through you gain more confidence if you are like me.
You can do this!

Dee74

Hi and welcome northernlady

I found having support here, and having people to talk to, and help me through my fears, helped me stop worrying a lot.

I won’t lie ...I’m still a worrier and always have been, but having others around helps me keep perspective.

D

NorthernLady

I know I will always worry, it's my nature. I am on 40 hours now. I slept 8 hours which was good. I woke up feeling ok. Now a lot of brain fog. I have to concentrate on my actions, which is unlike me. So that has me a bit anxious. I guess I am so worried that something bad is going to happen. I think I am also a little irritable. But I'll watch that. My doctor checked in with me this morning and said I sounded good so that was reassuring but it is early. I need to figure out what to do to keep my mind of off the bad things. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Also, I have had this thought of, you know what would help, a beer. But I have not had this many hours sober in such a long time and I don't want to mess it up.

SoberInCLE

Good luck! I am sure you will be successful getting sober. Awareness of how it has impacted your life is a great tool for staying sober. I used to have ridiculous anxiety, and it was worse once I quit drinking, but eventually it went away.

Hevyn

Hi NorthernLady - I'm so glad you joined us.
My anxiety lessened a lot when I found SR & started talking to others who understood. I had felt all alone until then - most everyone in my life was a social drinker & couldn't relate to what I went through. Congratulations on your sober time. Let us know how it goes with your addiction counselor tomorrow (if you go). You're doing a wonderful thing for yourself by getting free of alcohol.

NorthernLady

Thank you all so much for the positive vibes. With the meds, I actually don't feel as scared as I know I would. I am still very nervous about the next few days. If it is how it has been and doesn't get out of control, I know that I can get there. My goal is 6 days!! I will feel like I can calm down at that point. I know that the work is just going to start and I am looking forward to it.

My brain is foggy, and I am slow and trying not to over do anything.

Thank you so much! Ill be back shortly, I'm going to try to clean up after my poor dog. And I'll get 1 productive thing done!

NorthernLady

Thank you all so much for the positive vibes. With the meds, I actually don't feel as scared as I know I would. I am still very nervous about the next few days. If it is how it has been and doesn't get out of control, I know that I can get there. My goal is 6 days!! I will feel like I can calm down at that point. I know that the work is just going to start and I am looking forward to it.

My brain is foggy, and I am slow and trying not to over do anything.

Thank you so much! Ill be back shortly, I'm going to try to clean up after my poor dog. And I'll get 1 productive thing done!

NorthernLady

I absolutely plan on going, I just hope I am not in some kind of anxiety storm I am in. Right now I feel like it's too good to be true. The way I feel I mean. I know how much I was drinking and feel like, I don't know, I am going to be punished physically for it. I know that may sound silly, but I have never been one who can not be hard on my self and look at the bright side. I am sure that stems from early childhood trauma but I can't use that as another excuse. I just don't want it to get so bad that I say I can't do it and drink again. 50 hours tho! I am proud of that.

NorthernLady

It's been 76 hours. I feel like I shouldn't feel as ok as I do. I have my people around me and have talked to my therapist and she was floored that I had hid this from her because I hid it so well. I am not in any way proud of that. Today I have felt a lot of things. 1. This is working. 2. My brain feels foggy still. 3. I am in that crucial period of what bad could happen. 4. Why aren't my fingers typing as fast as possible.
I have been getting a little more irritable than normal. Nothing excessive but just a shorter temper. even with myself. But here I am, 3 days and a few hours. I am hoping for some more sleep tonight. My doctor is on call all weekend and will be checking in with me. But the fact that she still says, if things get bad, then you call detox. I know she has to but it scares me. My therapist said that if I have gotten this far she has high hopes for me! So I am going with that mindset and letting the doom part live, just in the back of the room.

I hope every one else is ok. Also, is there a moms group here? I feel HUGE guilt for being a zombie mom right now and would like to chat with like minded folks.

Thank you for readying!

neferkamichael

NorthernLady, so proud of you, great job.

NorthernLady

Thank you, It seems so easy to just throw it all way again, but if I have put this much work and worry and work not to worry, I will not waste that time. It's the only commodity we can't get back! I'll make it worth it!