Debby

You guys have been great for me this week, Thank you so much. I actually realized why I need to quit drugs and was doing very good. But then today I broke down and did some drugs. I went a few days without anything and felt great. I went to my in-laws for a party and on the way there I looked at my husband and said "I dont want this anymore, I hate this way of life I want more". And he completly supported me, but once I got to the in-laws I had to just have one line which led to 2 and then the 3rd when I got home and that is when my husband took it away and now I cant even get tired for bed and I am freaking out for more.

Why is it I can go days without it but then when its there in front of me I cant stop?

I even printed out the serenety prayer for help and leave it near by me, but it wasnt enough. I dont have N/A or AA in my area so I have to come here. I would just love to know one great thing that has happend to you when you quit. I know for me it is a clearer mind and less lazyness, but if that was enough I wouldnt still be breaking down.

I know very much about life and death with drugs, I choose life but it scares the heck outta me. Why am I scared? Where am I going? I have a beautiful wonderful life now for the first time in my life, so where is that point when you lose it all? Because if I lose any of this, I would never be able to face reality for the rest of my life. I will go back to being on the bottem of the barrel again.

Thanks for listening
Debby

lonlion

Hi Debby; Go easy on yourself girl. You did not disappoint us.

As to all your questions in your last paragraph. Honey, you are the only one who can answer them, and that is what a sponsor will help you to do. You will find those answers some day. In the mean time try to get to a meeting, continue to post in here, and enjoy the wonderful life you have. (its better clean honest).

You are NOT the bottom of the barrel. You just need to learn that you deserve the wonderful life AND recovery.

My thoughts and prayers are with you now and always
Love Diana

junem

Why is it I can go days without it but then when its there in front of me I cant stop.
Any addict will tell you that all we need do is take that one dose of our drug and the brain takes over and we want more and more. That is what addiction is all about. When i use I become scared because I know my addiction can kill. Not just me physically but it also kills my dreams and my potential and my ability to be fully real and an active participant in life. It robs me of the ability to make clear wise choices, It also has the potential to affect others around me in negative ways and therefore can kill their hopes and dreams they may wish to share with me.
You have had a set back. Try again. My prayers are with you.

CAPTAINZING2000

We're alkies and druggies that's Y. What goes thru your mind? Where do the drugs come from? Remove your self from any place that may cause you to stumble. U going to meetings? U using your sponser?? U calling u're sponser? I go down to the barber shop enough times I'm going to get a hair cut. I've been sober a few 24 hours now. There are things you can and can't do. Try this at home take a hammer and hit your finger. then hit a different finger. You'll get the same results everytime. Being clean has to be your priority. If, you're in laws have drugs don't go thereeeeeeeeee.
I don't go to bars, I don't go to crack houses. Cause, even after over 5 years, I can't do it. You have to use tools of this program for it to work. You mentioned your hubby is supporting you. Find an open meeting have him go with you. We have to have the support of others in here or, we are going to have a hard time making it.
This forum is for your support. We can't be as effective as a face to face. We're all here for you write down in here b 4 u use. Someone will respond. we want you to stay clean and sober. you can do it. We got faith in you

Chris

Chy

One wise man here once told me when I say "try" I've not fully commited, means probably not, not gonna do whatever it takes. When you change that to I AM going to do this versus I am going to TRY and do this you gain a different perspective. So don't give it another try, just do it! *hugs*

findingout

Glad you came back after your road trip! Still, I gotta ask

What were you doing at your in-laws' party in the first place?

In recovery, especially early recovery, you need to avoid all situations where you are putting your recovery at risk. Going to a party where you know that the stuff will be available is just asking for a relapse to happen. Don't do it. (<- period) There is no place, no obligation, and no situation where you absolutely have to be if it is a threat to your recovery. None. Your recovery comes first, ahead of anything you can think of. Any "yea but..." or "how about.." or "what if.." is your addiction talking. Don't listen to it.

The good news is that this can be your last relapse. You don't have to do it again to prove that you cannot be around the stuff. What you do have to do is make your recovery the single, most important thing in your life. Remember
If you get to bed at night and you are substance free, you had a good day. Anything less than that is not a good day. It's black and white, one and zero, all or nothing. You can do this thing if you want it and you work at it 24/7. That is what they mean by "half way measures avail us not."

One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless

lulu70

I assure you that you DO have NA or AA in your area. The fellowship is everywhere. Also, I agree with the other posters. It is EXTREMLY important in early recovery to avoid any and all situations where you will be tempted. You CAN do this. Don't beat yourself up too much. Take this as a learning experience. We are all here for you, but you have got to find some face to face support as well.

Best of luck--

Anna

Welcome!

As the others have said sometimes trying is not enough. It's really hard but you just have to do it. And one of the hard things is changing places/people/situations in your life that will cause temptation for you. That's a hard choice to make but it's essential.

You can do this!

Love, Anna

nutz

Breaking up a relationship is hard.
Especailly with my best friend, lover, doctor, shrink, lawer, ect.
Sometimes it makes me wanna cry. I guess i had to grieved over
the lost.

dixielove

Letting go is like a very hard breakup but we do heal. Take back your life. You deserve the special miracles that life has to offer you.

Dixie