Drowning
 

I saw someone else's post today about being unable to live and unable to die and I was dismayed at how much I could relate to that post. I am almost 4 months sober. I do the things that are suggested to me. And life still absolutely sucks. Physically, I feel like I am dying. Mentally, I am completed isolated and alone. I feel like a pariah. If it weren't for me wanting my kids to have a good father, I think I would have started drinking again about a week ago. This is absolutely no way to live life. The light of hope that I had that in time life would improve is fading to a flickering candle. I know that I am starting to focus on things that are out of my control more lately which is affecting me negatively. But other than that I feel like I'm following the plan. The way I feel physically (nausea, headaches, fatigue) can not be ignored. I have tried and tried and tried. They are not improving and I'm suffering. I don't know what anyone can say, but I saw that post and I could really identify. I didn't want to drag his post down when really what he needs now is hope and the truth is sobriety helps no matter what, but I felt compelled to post. He said in his post something about wishing he'd never had been born and I totally, 100% agree. Talk about a case of the Mondays lol.

At 4 months sober you are just getting into the thick of it. Just think about how many of us relapse at the 6 month mark...those relapses happen for a reason. We forget the pain of alcoholism and then everything goes downhill because we feel like we're missing out.

In sobriety we have a lot of work to do on whatever the underlying issues were before we started medicating.

I really hope you can see that your physical issues will not be help by alcohol.

I'm really sorry BABM. Have you talked to your doctor? After 4 months of having symptoms of nausea, headaches and fatigue, it's time to talk to your dr if you haven't already. Unfortunately, the pandemic is likely causing or adding to you feeling isolated and alone. And, good for you for seeing that focusing on things out of your control is adding to your negativity. Your children need you and that's something to focus on. I really hope you feel better.

4 months is just a start BUT a very impressive start. I hope you allow yourself to feel some pride and self-worth in that accomplishment. Is there a medical condition that is making you feel so physically unwell?

In terms of dealing with life on life's terms 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson did wonders for me in early sobriety. I can't rec it enough.

And, as a father myself, what you are doing for your children will be felt well beyond even your time here. You are showing them an example of accountability, strength, perseverance and hope that they will be able to turn towards when they need to in their own lives. It's an invaluable gift.

Be easy on yourself man. Treat yourself like someone that you have the responsibility to care for - what would you do today if that was the case? What would you tell yourself?

Keep not drinking and your kids foremost in your thoughts. At 4 months I felt the same as you wrote. Just kept remembering how awful I felt about how my kids suffered because of my drinking.

I have been seeing a doctor for a couple of months now. No answers. Blood looks good. After4 decades on this earth I can not remember a single instance where a doctor helped diagnose something other than a simple infection. So as expected, my doc says, "Duh, blah blah blah, wait a couple of more months, blah blah blah."

As far as drinking, I just don't see it as an option. My life is miserable today. I can not imagine adding alcohol to the situation. It would be a new low.

I can empathise about the doctor visits, as an adult I don't think they have identified and fixed anything.

That said, I don't know how long you have had a drink issue but if it is a number of years then I suppose it may take some time. The other thing is, given your symptoms, it might be worth trying to get a Covid antibody test (I hope that doesn't count as medical advice - it's just a thought, long Covid and all that)

You deserve huge congratulations on 4 months BABM, a lot of people don't get that far. Probably at the moment all you are seeing is the damage caused by drinking but even if there is no pink cloud you are more than entitled to feel the return of some self respect as you have quit alcohol and that is hard. Hang in there and keep trying to do the next right thing, I'm sure things will improve.

Hey BABM

I’m sorry things are rough. If I felt that physically ill, I’d be Looking for a second opinion there must be some reason you feel so poorly.

Do you think you might also be clinically depressed? Is that possible? Any history?

If this is more than just a bad day, or you feel this way regularly, that might be something to check out as well?

You have a lot of people in your corner- you will get through this.
I’m really glad to hear that you have no intention of drinking :c014:

D

BABM, you said 'Physically I feel like I'm dying". Don't accept your doctor putting you off and saying check back in a couple of months. Be your own advocate and insist on getting some answers or move on to a doctor who is able to help you.

It’s such a thin line for me trying to solve this problem myself and letting the doctor handle it or waiting for all of my brain and body chemicals to stabilize and see where it all falls out. The more I think about it and try to solve it, the worse I feel. I am not being hyperbolic when I say I have virtually zero faith in doctors, specifically general practitioners. They have proven to be worthless to me. And worse than worthless, they misdiagnosed my daughter and I had to discover her diagnosis on my own (thank God I did). It’s all just deflating.

I’ve never been diagnosed with clinical depression, but I’ve been medicated for anxiety for a long time so maybe the meds were masking it.

I mean, it is not surprising if I am depressed. Other than my kids there is not a lot to pint to in my life that is a source of happiness or contentment.

I physically feel fine, far better than I have a right to expect given the extremity of my alcohol abuse in latter years (at the higher end even by AA and rehab standards) but mentally and emotionally, can definitely identify with the OP.

I’m So glad you don’t see any point in drinking to solve this.

Everyone needs a sense of purpose and related activities. An idle mind is the absolute worst for me. I pick things to do that keeps me engaged and that also provides a result. I’ve had to force myself to get going on many things but I think it’s true that motivation comes from doing.

You’re going to figure this out:)

What sober45 said is true: I needed to build a sober life I loved, one that wasn't routinely painful to live day to day, and one I didn't want to escape from.

I think you'll figure this out too - we're in your corner BABM :)

D

Man I hope you feel better by the end of today.

Kids always bring joy
A full stomach of food
Roof over my head
A job
A another chance, never to old to make a difference
It has helped me during my hard times

Thanks all. I do have an appt with doc tomorrow. So we’ll see if she has ideas.

Im so sorry you are feeling this way, BABM.
I just wanted to reach out and send support to you. Please let us know how the doc appt turns out.
Could the anxiety meds be causing this? It is not uncommon for a med to present side effects.
Just shooting in the dark here......

First, I am so proud of you for four months of sobriety. We are living through really trying times and you need to make sure to celebrate that.

As for your physical symptoms they can definitely be caused by anxiety or depression, so you may want to have your doctor refer you to a psychologist to investigate further and also see if maybe you need to change the current medications you are on.

One of the reasons I was motivated to stop drinking was to get healthier, I wanted to be around for my kids. In early sobriety I was having physical symptoms that I’d been dealing with for a while but doctors kept saying were stress, and I figured that was right, or they were related to alcohol. However something just didn’t feel right. My life was not any more stressful than it had been for the previous few years and I was dealing with exhaustion, heart palpitations and some episodes of losing a second or two which was not good if I was walking or driving. After two unhelpful doctors I ended up at the head of cardiology. He ordered a heart monitor, and when I met with him again he knew exactly what was wrong. I had am ablation, and life was remarkably better. If I hadn’t pushed my old GP (he isn’t long gone) would have continued to blame stress, and the first cardiologist tried to blame female issues, at which point I demanded a different doctor. You know your body, make sure you advocate for yourself. I have an amazing doctor now, and still have the same cardiologist who answers my emails within a few hours and always gets me in if I see any changes.

Sending you lots of love and strength. You’re a great dad, make sure you also take care of you!!

❤️Delilah

I'm on your corner BABM. Nothing to add but that. Behind you all the way - hang in there

Well done babm. I’ve watched your struggles and for you to get to four months is AMAZING. Huge well done.

I am 8 months and, like you, feel no real joy in life anymore but it’s better than disgracing myself with alcohol and still being joyless. I too do it for the kids.

They say it gets better and it definitely does improve but it’s a slow process.

hats off to you!