BIGDAVE

I can't stop, it's never going to end.Day after day, time after time.Every treatment and cure known to man tried and failed.I am a scumbag, and life sucks, with or without alcohol.I deserve no sympathy, I am a P.O.S. Sometimes I wonder why I was cursed to be born.I am 55, but medically I am like 95 with all of my medical problems and limitations.Everyone hates me it seems.Not really but anyway.Thirty years in the government and now I am no better than a bug.My 97 year old mother cries and hates me for my relapses.I sit alone in a basement, always alone, forever alone, with no interpersonal skills, life or nothing.Nothing brings me happiness.A bright sunny day and I sit alone in a basement.I wish it would all just end.(The drinking and addiction)......

Coldfusion

Hi Dave!

Many of us on this forum have quit and are leading happy, productive lives now. You can do it too! I found the most important thing was support, and there's plenty of that on this forum. Read around and post often--it works if you work it!

Here's some good threads to join:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7538702 (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 506)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...er-2020-a.html (Welcome to Weekenders 06 - 09 November 2020)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7535021

sortofhomecomin

I am sorry to hear you are feeling down. I have been very lucky with my physical health but can identify with you to the extent that my family hate me. I think they want me to live like a ghost to punish me because of my last years of drinking. They forget about the many successful and good things I did with my life. They have no sympathy or understanding of addiction.

D122y

There seems to be some sort of switch that flips for some of us around 50 or so.

Our bodies don't process the booze anymore. The good news is folks that drink hard, like me, and probably you realize this sooner than later. If I only drank a few now and then I would end up hitting the wall in my late 60's or 70's. At that point, why quit, just do everyone a favor.

So, now I get to live my last 30 plus years as strong as I can because a managed to pull free of the gravity of heavy physical and mental addiction.

It is all about dopamine and other internally created happy chemicals. Those went away while I was drinking and I needed to booze to feel a little bit happy.

My saving grace was I was training heavy in grappling when I quit. Grappling caused fight or flight response which got me high on life. So, I had a way out.

Now I exercise fairly often and get all those drugs naturally.

I still crave, but I know how to defeat it. Everything positive I do makes me feel good, including typing out this little note to you.

I am an addict for life. Booze is poison. It is a neuro toxin.

Thanks.

Nonsensical

How committed are you to believing that? It might not be true.

Several years ago I thought it was true for me. I bought additional life and liability insurance to protect my family against the financial ruin I was certain to bring on them because I couldn't stop.
Turns out I was wrong about that. I could stop. I could break those chains. I could learn to be happy sober.

I think you can, too. You voiced your despair in your post, but the fact that you posted means there is hope.

Change is possible, therefore hope is reasonable.

You have work to do, friend. How can we help?

nez

I never get anything on the first try. The first time I tried to get sober. The first time I tried to shoot a basketball. The first time I tried to play a guitar. The list goes on and on.

Watch a baby learning to walk. He take maybe two tentative drunken sailor steps and... plop...down on his butt. The baby doesn't sit there and think what a failure, a scumbag, and life sucks. No, he rolls over onto his knees and gives it another shot.

I have been exactly where you are now and I know the feelings all too well. I couldn't imagine a life with alcohol and I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol. I struggled and failed for 10 years, but yet I sit here with over 17 years of sobriety today. I am not the only one with that story, countless other people have similar story-lines.

I couldn't do this alone, but with the help of other people, I made it!

You can too. Reach out for help. Keep an open mind and a willing heart. Listen to suggestions. Get into action. Keep moving forward, even if it is inch by inch. I started my journey by putting off drinking for 15 minutes, which was all I could manage at the time.

By doing enough 15 minutes back to back, I got to today. I wouldn't trade my today for anything. Whether it is sunny or cloudy and rainy, I sit in the sunlight of happiness...it can happen for you!

BIGDAVE

I have never had a sponsor before, too afraid to open up and shed my emotional armor.Don't know if I am going to go into a Detox AGAIN or try it cold turkey.How can I find a sponsor online in these Covid days of isolation? I am completely baffled by life......Thanks, Dave

Anna

I hope you begin to believe that you can stop, and that will stop. Many of us have felt completely alienated and discouraged, but managed to stop drinking and change our lives. Allow yourself a sliver of hope and see where it takes you.

brighterday1234

There is a solution. Many have been where you are now and recovered 🙏

Dee74

Support really helps me Dave. It’s good to connect with others and not feel so alone.
I’m glad to see you’ve joined the Class of November support thread, man

D

SoberInCLE

Hi Dave! Join online meetings now and don't give up! Opening up to other alcoholics is all about saving ourselves. Read it in the Big Book. I highly recommend getting a copy or reading it online.

Don't give up hope on those relationships. But don't try and fix them now either. Please help yourself.

saoutchik

I very much doubt that all those negative things you said about your character are true and even if they were that is the drinking you. We drunks don't know who we really are until we get sober. I didn't get sober until my mid fifties so we are not so different, I suspect I would belittle my own character in order to ease the pain of not being able to quit, my repeated failures made me think I was one of those people who couldn't or wouldn't quit. In the end I managed to quit because my choices narrowed to dying a drunk in a few years time or dying sober somewhat later and because I focused solely on not drinking and not worrying about anything else, in the short term anyway. Always remember, if you don't drink for long enough - a couple of months - it WILL get easier and you will not crave it.

As Nonsensical said, the fact that you posted here means there is hope. Choose the method of quitting that you feel the most comfortable with. Good luck BigDave.

Hevyn

Dave - I am so sorry you're hurting & you feel life is miserable. Drinking is making everything seem bleak & hopeless. It's not the comforting friend we imagine it to be.
You can quit and have a new life - even after many failed attempts. I sit here 12 yrs. sober after drinking 30 yrs., so I know it's possible.
Stay with us and keep talking. We care about you - and you are definitely not the horrible person you accuse yourself of being. You obviously care about getting free and healing. You can!

least

Drinking always made me feel worse - more depressed, more hopeless, more useless. It took some time after I got sober before I started feeling 'normal'.

I hope you'll use the awesome support here to get sober for good. It can be done, I'm proof of that. Please don't give up on yourself. Try something different. Lots of us here used to feel hopeless but getting sober helped to end that hopeless feeling.

Hodd

Dave, my first port of call was to ‘fess up to my GP. It went uphill from there. I went from obese drunk/fatty liver to budding runner with club mates etc. Just started a new career as a teacher and I’m only 4 years younger than you. I’m far from being outgoing and I’m still socially awkward at times, but that’s the way I’ll always be. You’ve given yourself a bashing with that opening post, some of it very harsh. You can turn this around.

BornSurvivor

Don't worry about the past, what's done is done, the most important day is today.

Despite all your problems you're still here and you are still fighting. There's a reason for that. Whatever it is that is keeping you going hold on to that. Tomorrow will be a new day. Why not be that great story of the guy who turns his life around at age 55?

You can do it. Work at this like you have never worked at anything before you will be amazed at what you can accomplish. I promise you.