Stellar45

Hello everyone. I am currently 485 days sober. About 34 days ago I met a woman and we hit it off right away. She is totally supportive of my recovery and I was completely honest about my past and the importance of working my program and how it relates to my well being.
Fast forward to the present, I started allowing her to spend more & more time with me away from my work and we hit our first bump in the road. There was a misunderstanding that hurt me that occurred and consequently hurt her while we were together a few days ago. When I honestly looked at what happened I can see that I was starting to neglect my self care of Meetings, meditation, working out among other things right before it occurred. These were the things that helped me to feel good about myself as well as handle problems better as they arose in a more constructive way.
I told her I needed some time to get back in the groove but hoped to see her again. I hope she understands and will be there for me when I feel like I'm back on solid ground. Now I have some fear that she will decide to do her own thing and cut me loose.
Being with her has had a powerful chemistry & attraction as well as the shared experience of feeling as we are also old friends who have known each other for years.
At this stage of my life I have no desire to drink but do not want to give in to fear and create a scenario in my head that does not exist. Experience has shown in the past that when I create false fear based scenarios I end up acting out foolishly and end up paying the price. Can anyone relate to what I am saying? Thank you for reading this.

Dee74

34 days is still very early for any relationship.
Keep things slow and keep talking to each other is my advice really.

D

EndGameNYC

Yup. Fear makes us do things against our better interests (and frequently, the better interests of other people). It creates both trouble and regret.

It met a woman after 495 days of sobriety in August of 1984. I just had Google make the calculation because I was thinking that this happened with me at around 485 days. We were together for more than nine years.

You've done a good job in identifying your pattern. Knowing this suggests that the relationship itself was not the problem; it was instead a staging area for a process familiar to you.

This is a good time to find someone to help you out with it.

relena

I had to end a relationship because the last 2 times we had a huge fight I ended my sobriety by getting blind drunk for a few days and ruining all my progress. I think Dee's advice is solid though. If you were upfront and honest with her, and she is completely supportive she should understand that you need to back off for a bit. Continue to talk if you really care for her and I hope she reciprocates your feelings and can be patient.

Stellar45

The fact that you were able to have a relationship that spanned 9 years that began near the same time as
where I am at now does sound hopeful. I know that as alcoholics, we can sometimes sabotage our own happiness and that is something I clearly want to pinpoint and address. Thank you EndGameNYC!

Anna

Stellar, I know I sabotaged good things in my life because I felt undeserving. It's good that you are aware of those feelings. I think going slow in the relationship and keeping talking could be the answer.

Stellar45

Thanks for the insight that if we are not careful in relationships we can jeopardize our sobriety.
at this point in time, sobriety is definitely linked to quality of life. We are each responsible for our
own happiness and trying to find happiness in another while neglecting your own self care almost
always leads to a less than desirable outcome.

nez

For a relationship to succeed, the individuals have to take care of themselves in order to be able to be there for the other person.

You are doing what you deem necessary in order to take care of yourself, so that you can possibly be there for her in the future. If she understands, it is a harbinger of a potentially beautiful relationship.

Take care of yourself and at the same time, water the bud that appeared 34 days ago. Mother Nature will decide if it blossoms.

EndGameNYC

Life became very predictable when I was drinking. And not in a good way. Good things can happen when we get sober.

You may find that there are many reasons to be hopeful; grateful too.

brighterday1234

Relationships will happen in recovery and there’s lots of learning to be done inevitably. If you’re living a solid life with a growth mindset then you’ll strike gold eventually in my experience.