Chavet1700

My spouse recently returned from a treatment facility. I'm also a recovering alcoholic. I'm still very much in love with her but she is not feeling the same. I'm pretty sure she has met someone in rehab and is planning on leaving me.
Do I ask her to move out since she doesn't want to work on our relationship at all. We've been married 20yrs im devastated and not thinking clearly.

BeABetterMan

What a horrible situation. I would say don’t make any decisions for the time being. Ask your sponsor or pray on it. Don’t decide out of anger or an attempt to control. Remember we can’t control ourselves much less others.

When all of you should searching is done, then and only then should you consider essentially ending a relationship with someone you love.

Have you asked her if she met someone?

tomls

Not a good situation. Sorry to hear this. All you can do is take care of yourself and your sobriety. Stay close to SR. Best wishes.

D122y

20 years is a long time.

It takes a long long long time to normalize after being a drunk for decades (in my case). The changes I went through can only be defined as insanity. I have stabilized nicely and only feel weird sometimes vs all the time when I first quit.

If you and your wife are on meds it is impossible to assess if what either of you are feeling is true since it could be a reaction to the meds. But, if folks need meds, they need them.

I go through a "love denial situation" with my wife of 20 years at least every other month. She starts denying my affection and she get angry instantly.

I am a pretty easy going person, with some OCD. But, I have my limits.

When she explosively yells at me, it takes a ton of restraint to not do the exact same thing right back.

i have done that in the past and I hate it. But, I will go there, but generally I can at least warn her it is about to happen.

This thing is not about sex, although sex is part of it, it is also about just loving me. I need love.

If the love is gone, I am moving on. I need my wife to love me no matter what.

We are not getting any better looking so the relationship has to be based on love. A definition of Love is a great interest and pleasure in something or someone. That is my goal.

Hope this helps to put things in perspective.

I would definitely prefer to wait and work on things for several months before making any big decisions, e.g. moving out/separation/divorce. But, if the love is being denied, I am pretty sure I would move on fairly quick (e.g. a couple of months).

Thanks.

Mizz

I am sorry for this situation you are dealing with. 20 years is a long road to be on with someone.

Are you "pretty sure" or "for certain" she has met someone? The "pretty sure" sounds like a conclusion that has been made without knowing factually what has taken place. Am I reading this right?

Have you sat down with her and had a honest conversation?

Chavet1700

I know she is not being dishonest with me because I read her journal. I feel like I violated her privacy by reading it. That's how my mind is working right now.

aasharon90

We do all that we can to save our marriages if possible.

Then, if you have done the foot work on your side with
willingness, openmindedness and honesty, then take
the next step forward.

For early on i always admired those couples I'd read
about celebrating different stages of their marriages.
Those Silver or Golden Anniversaries and would hope
I'd be one of them.

Unfortunately my 1st marriage ended at 25 yrs with
me being in recovery with a good amount of sobriety
under my belt.

It is recommended to us in recovery that we don't do
things in haste because we are forever changing on
our journey in recovery.

I have seen both husbands and wives attend recovery
meetings together and have heard each working their
own programs with possibly a marriage councilor as
added support to help strengthen their marriages.

There are marriages that do survive and there are
those that dont. Each is different in it's own respect.

When it comes down to not wanting to hurt another
in the long run, or not being completely honest in the
relationship then we do the right thing thing and not
keep the other person hanging on.

For me, we did attend a few marriage sessions which
fell at the waist side. I continued on with my recovery
program, praying and doing the foot work necessary
to achieve health, happiness and honesty.

Today, we are both remarried.

My present spouse and I celebrated 10 yrs this year
along with 30 yrs sobriety continuing to live and incorperate
a program of recovery, a guideline to living this life with
many blessings.

We did what we could at the time of our marriage
but not enough on both sides to save it. No regrets
tho.

Search your heart and soul and follow your recovery
program and do what is necessary for you both to solve
your marriage situation.

Mizz

You most definitely invaded her privacy.

It sounds like you two need to have a honest conversation about everything.

travelbug

Have you considered marriage counseling or clergy counseling? 20 yrs is a long time to walk away from a relationship.

Obladi

One of the very most difficult things I faced coming out of rehab was simply establishing a "place" for me that was fully centered on my healing and sobriety.

Sounds rocky over there, and that sucks. I'm sorry.

You can not and should not attempt to control or manage her. That's up to her to figure out. Take care of your self, do what you can for her sobriety and healing, and let the rest work itself out. Maybe practice gratitude each morning and do an inventory each night. That will help you to focus on your well being.

Obladi

P.S. I take medication and believe it would have been extremely difficult for me to make any progress without stabilizing my mood first. My experience is that my judgement is clouded without medication, not with it.

BornSurvivor

Communication is the key here. Talk to her (politely) and tell her how you feel.

Whatever you do don't let it build it and don't drink. Both of those will only make things worse.

thomas11

It wouldn't be right for me to offer advice. What I can offer is my support, and you have it. Tough situation.

Chavet1700

yeah thats what she said too I should've asked and she would've told me about the afair. Should I have asked her everyday or every week if she was having an affair. Great now ive lost her trust in me.

Anna

No, not every day or every week. If you asked her once about an affair that should be sufficient. If you don't trust your wife's answer, then it's a big problem. Have you considered couples therapy which might help you to learn to communicate better?

Chavet1700

Yes she admitted to it

Chavet1700

we did talk and I stayed calm thanks to higher power. She says she doesn't know what she wants. I said no rush on deciding because im gone when the house sales.

Chavet1700

it takes two for couples therapy. She didn't want it.

Chavet1700

I had a spiritual moment on the way home from my AA Meeting and it was a result of my higher power and the situation my wife put me in. Even if you don't know what you want out of life or a marriage, all you really have to do is figure out what you wont tolerate and draw a line. Eventually the only thing left will be what you tolerate.

Chavet1700

so far I am still sober. ODAAT